Author's Note: Let us imagine for a moment that Oz and the gang actually got around to cook that dinner they were out buying groceries for, right before Oz meets Phillip West. Alice is the B-Rabbit, after all, and such she has certain needs.

Sorry for any and all OOCness. The plot bunny pretty much went to town with this one.

Disclaimer: I don't own Pandora Hearts.


Rabbit Food

#

"Oi~!" drawled a voice lazily from behind him on the sofa, which – until only a few, precious days ago – had been exclusively his sofa and nobody else's.

Not Vincent's. Not Break's. And especially – especially – not hers.

"Are we eating soon or what?"

Yet there she was, proudly radiating an unholy level of confidence that Gilbert couldn't help but to just slightly envy her for; positively spreading throughout his modest apartment like a particularly aggressive strain of household mould.

Gilbert Nightray, scion of the Nightray Dukedom and contracted to its legendary Chain, survivor expert extraordinaire and recently voted fourth most eligible bachelor in Reveille, fairly shuddered under his apron.

The worst part was that he only had himself to blame, because even after ten years of waiting and hoping, Gilbert never stopped being Gil and Oz never stopped being Bocchan; and with the unfortunate unveiling of Alice as Bocchan's Chain, Gilbert grudgingly felt somehow obliged to look out for her, too. It didn't exactly help that his rearing (though not completely noble in nature for obvious reasons) was refined enough to leave him vulnerable to damsels in distress: even the borderline cases, where the damsel in question in fact was wholly responsible for her own distress, or when she just happened to be a stupid, violent, mostly defenceless rabbit girl. (Like now.)

Besides, it wasn't as if he was about to forgive Xerxes Break for that little stunt up at the old Vessalius estate anytime soon.

(Oz… Gilbert's heart clenched painfully at the mere thought. Oz could have died.)

Gilbert tightened his grip around the kitchen knife, visualizing the Mad Hatter's stupid face on the peeled potato sitting defenceless on the cutting board in front of him, before savagely cutting into it.

"Hurry it up already! I'm starving!"

Gilbert quietly ground his teeth, and chucked the finely-diced remains of Xerxes Break the Potato Face into the pot. Granted that she was the infamous B-Rabbit, Scourge of the Abyss, Alice sure wasn't behaving as if she was – always complaining, always running off on her own and always, always so damn hungry – and this made her not only extremely troublesome, but also a lot like a very spoiled, very human brat.

(Speaking of which, where was Oz anyway?)

"Where's Oz?" demanded Gilbert, a bit gruffly, because it still felt wrong to use Bocchan's given name freely like that.

"You mean that useless manservant?" huffed the Chain distastefully, tapping the heel of her shoe against the wooden floorboards none too gently. "He's out."

Gilbert immediately stopped cutting up vegetables. "Out?" he repeated in an attempt to properly process this new, crucial piece of information. "Oz is out?"

"Yeah," replied Alice impatiently. "What about it?"

Gilbert finally turned around, stiff as a board and with large, panic-stricken eyes, still brandishing his knife in one hand and a carrot in the other. "Oz is out?!" he screeched, gesticulating wildly. "And you... you let him?"

Alice looked unimpressed. "Like I could do anything about it," she said, prodding at the lump curled up and fast asleep next to her. "See? Out like a light."

Gilbert stared first at the Chain smirking triumphantly at him, then at the mass of blonde hair spilling onto the black cushioned seat; quickly put two and two together, and promptly wished for the carpet to rise up and swallow him whole when—

"What's that?"

He blinked. "What's what?"

She pointed at his right hand. "That."

"This?" Gilbert asked, and the Chain nodded. "It's a carrot."

"Acarrot?" repeated Alice, slowly, before scrunching up her nose. "That's stupid!" she declared.

"Not 'acarrot'," corrected her Gilbert smugly, pretending that he wasn't savouring the moment. "Just carrot. Ca-rrot."

Alice crossed her arms over her chest. "Che! That's even more stupid."

Gilbert rolled his eyes and was just about to turn his attention back to their dinner, when the Chain demanded, "...well? So what is it?"

"Stupid rabbit, I already told you! It's a carrot."

"You're a stupid seaweed head!" she shot back. "I meant, what is it for?"

"For? The carrot?" Gilbert sighed. "You eat it. It's food."

"That's food?" asked the Chain, eyeing the vegetable sceptically. "But it's so bright!"

Gilbert took a good look at the carrot in his hand and was forced to admit that its orange glow was rather disturbing. Then he threw it at her.

"Seaweed Head!" roared Alice, and Oz turned over in his sleep. "What's this, huh? You wanna fight?!"

Gilbert smirked. "Scared?"

Alice glared, sniffing at the carrot suspiciously. "If I die, I'll kill you," she said coldly.

Gilbert scoffed, but refrained from pointing out the most obvious flaw in her stupid logic.

(What, she? Alice? Kill him? That stupid rabbit? As if.)

It wasn't until he had finally added the meat that he heard the first, tentative crunch.

Then a little while later, Gilbert found Alice staring into space, a piece of carrot still between her teeth. "Hey Raven…" she said, chewing thoughtfully. "This stuff is actually pretty good."