---Chapter 3---
Olivia awoke the next morning to an empty bed. She heard the shower running and sighed deeply. She didn't want to talk to anyone this morning-- her head hurt and she felt like shit. Once a year for five years, she had dealt with this day alone. She would take off from work, sleep until her body wouldn't let her any longer, and proceed to get thoroughly drunk, hoping it would take away the memory of what happened half a decade ago.
This year was, by necessity, quite different. Olivia had taken off from work, like she had for many years, but this time, instead of drowning her sorrows in whatever bottle of liquor she could get her hands on, she would be attending an OB/GYN appointment with her wife, to see a sonogram of their child. She knew that she couldn't be in a pissy mood all day—Casey needed her, and she had assured her pregnant wife that she had indeed gotten over the loss of Alexandra Cabot. She lied.
Casey had been a part of Olivia's life just as long as Alex had not, and so she was quite accustomed to Olivia's ritual drinking away her sadness every September 29th. She had been assured that Olivia had accepted Alex's death. If the previous night was any indication, Olivia lied. Casey was livid. She could understand that Olivia was sad about the loss of her very dear friend, but to lie about it was another story.
Casey got out of the shower and changed into the clothes she had brought into the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror, and she honestly tried to tell herself that it wasn't fair to hate Alex. It wasn't her fault that she was killed and that Olivia still loved her. But she knew she was just fooling herself. Because without ever having met the woman, Casey despised her. Then it dawned on her. She wasn't really mad at Alex. She was mad at Olivia.
Casey entered the bedroom, surprised and a little disappointed to find Olivia awake in their bed. Casey grabbed her shoes from a nearby chair and exited the room without even acknowledging her wife.
Quite honestly, Olivia didn't even notice getting the cold shoulder. She was too focused on finding any way to avoid making Casey mad at her today. She dressed quickly and went into the kitchen, where she found Casey drinking a large glass of juice. She tried to pour herself some coffee, only to find that there wasn't any made. She thought about making it herself, but that would probably make them late. She poured a glass of orange juice instead.
"Morning," she said to Casey as she kissed her on the cheek, "did you sleep ok?"
"Fine," Casey said, not bothering to elaborate.
"Are you excited for the appointment?" Olivia asked, once again trying to make conversation.
"Yeah," Casey answered, continuing to drink her juice.
"Are you ready to go?" Olivia asked, one more time trying to get Casey to talk to her. She still figured that Casey was upset about Olivia not reaching an orgasm last night. It never even crossed her mind that Casey knew that she was mourning the loss of her previous love—again.
"Sure," was all Casey said before she turned to get her purse.
Without another word, Olivia grabbed the keys and waited for Casey. They exited the apartment, got in the car, and started the trek to the doctor's office without saying anything to each other.
They arrived at the doctor's office on time, despite a good amount of traffic. The practitioner led them into the exam room, and told them that the doctor would be in to see them in a few minutes.
"Can you please leave while I change into my gown, Olivia?" Casey asked. It was the most she had said to Olivia all morning.
Olivia was dumbfounded. "Uh, yeah," she said and stepped out of the room for a few minutes.
She knocked a little while later and asked if it was okay for her to come back in. She barely heard the faint confirmation on the other side. She pushed open the door and stood next to the exam table that Casey was laying on. She stood there in silence for several seconds, and was relieved when she heard the door creak open again.
A young looking man entered cautiously, as if waiting to make sure Casey was completely covered before entering. "Hello," he said once he was completely in the room, "My name is Dr. Michael Peterson, I'll be filling in for Dr. Kirsch for the time being, seeing as she was called in for an emergency birth over at County."
"How old are you?" Casey asked bluntly, with a hint of annoyance in her voice. Olivia smiled inwardly, she was glad that Casey was at least still fiery towards someone.
"Old enough," he answered back, equally annoyed.
Casey shrugged and pulled her gown tighter around her body. She was expecting Dr. Kirsch, a woman whom she trusted. Not this 20-year-old frat boy.
"So," Dr. Peterson began, "Miss Novak, are you having any problems that you're concerned about?"
"No, not really," Casey answered honestly. It did not go unnoticed by Olivia that she did not correct the doctor when he addressed her as "Miss Novak". Usually, Casey liked to be addressed by her 'married' name outside of work.
"Good," he said, looking at Olivia for what seemed like the first time, "Your sister?" He asked.
"My partner," Olivia answered when Casey said nothing.
He nodded solemnly and continued with Casey's exam. He took her blood pressure, measured her weight gain, and asked Casey to lie flat as he prepared the ultrasound equipment.
He squirted the cold gel onto Casey's stomach and looked for a blip on the screen.
"Do you guys want to know the sex?" Dr. Peterson asked.
"No," Casey said, just as Olivia was about to answer "Yes."
Olivia was once again stunned. She kept opening her mouth to say something, but no words came out.
"Alright then," Dr. Peterson continued, "here's the baby's head," he said as he pointed.
Casey looked at the screen in astonishment. Each time she went to the doctor's office, that little blob on the screen started looking more and more like a baby. This time she could actually see her baby's eyes, nose, and mouth, and the image took her breath away. She wondered if it had a similar effect on Olivia, but she didn't dare look at her wife.
The doctor finished the sonogram, printed out the picture, and told Casey that everything was looking good, but her blood pressure was a little high.
"Is that a serious concern of yours?" Olivia asked, ignoring the scowl Casey had on her face.
"Not particularly," Dr. Peterson said, "but please do try to keep the stress to a minimum, alright?"
Casey nodded.
"Great, you can call the office if you have any concerns, or if you change your mind about knowing the sex of your baby." With that, the young doctor left the room.
"This picture is amazing, isn't it, Case?" Olivia asked in astonishment.
"Yeah, it's really great," Casey said with little conviction, "I, um, need to change…"
Olivia nodded and left the room, her heart breaking at the coldness she was getting in response to all of her questions.
Casey emerged from the room fully clothed, and ready to go. The drive home to their apartment was as icily silent as it was on the way to the office,
Casey walked up to the apartment without another look at Olivia. Olivia had had enough at this point. She was ready to confront Casey and find out what the hell was making her so angry.
"Casey?" Olivia called sweetly, having every intention of doing things nicely.
When she received no response, she walked into their bedroom and found Casey crying on the bed.
"What's wrong, baby?" She asked, sitting down next to her, making a move to hug her.
"Don't touch me," was all that Casey said.
Olivia began to get angry, but thought she could handle it. "Case, what happened last night wasn't your fault," Olivia told her.
Casey laughed bitterly. "Of course it was," she said through her tears.
"What are you talking about, babe?"
"You know very well what I'm talking about, Olivia. I'm not an idiot, you know. I may not be as good a lawyer as Alex was, but I think I know a woman in mourning when I see one," she could hardly contain her anger.
Olivia was stunned. This whole thing was, of course, about Alex but how Casey knew that was beyond her. "Casey, I…I'm sorry," she offered.
"That's bullshit, Olivia. You swore to me that you were over her, and honestly I could have understood if you weren't, but you lied to me," Casey was livid.
"How…how did you know?" Olivia asked lamely.
"Besides the fact that one year ago today I almost had to take you to the ER because you drank so much?" Casey asked bitterly. "I heard you talking in your sleep last night."
"Casey, I'm so sorry. I really did think I was over it, I swear." She moved again, trying to get closer to her wife.
"Fuck off, Olivia," Casey said rather calmly.
"No, Casey, I won't 'fuck off'! I don't think you're being fair to me!"
"Are you kidding me?!" Casey started yelling, "Fair? Do you know what's not fair?! Me sitting here looking at my wife who supposedly loves me, knowing that she's thinking about how much she's rather be having a baby with a woman who died five years ago," she started sobbing, "That's what's not fair!"
Olivia started crying now, "Don't you ever say that again, Casey. I love you more than anything in the world. Did I love Alex too? Absolutely. I'm not going to deny it," she almost stopped when she saw the look of immense pain that flashed across Casey's face, "But I love you now. I love you more than I ever thought possible. It's you that I want to have a family and grow old with, as corny as that sounds."
"I'm having a hard time believing you," Casey said, "are you telling me that if Alex came back and walked through that door right now, you'd tell her that you've moved on? That there's not a chance you'd get back together with her?"
"Of course, Casey. I mean, yeah it still hurts me that I couldn't save Alex. That I probably could have done something to save her life, but I didn't. I don't know if I'll ever get over that completely," she said honestly, "but when I'm with you, 99.99 percent of the time, Alex never even crosses my mind."
"And the other .01 percent?" Casey asked, softening a bit.
"Is this day, and this day only," Olivia said, relieved that Casey seemed to be calming down.
Casey nodded, "Can you please talk to me about it if it's bothering you? Or anything for that matter? I hate not feeling connected to you. It hurts me."
Olivia knew the admission was hard for Casey to make, "I promise I'll try."
Seemingly satisfied, Casey sat on the edge of the bed. "You know it's going to take a little while before we're back to normal, right?" She told Olivia.
"I figured as much," Olivia confirmed, "but I'm definitely willing to wait." She put a comforting hand on Casey's back, but Casey shrugged it away.
Casey slowly got up from the bed, her hand on her stomach. A look of panic crossed her face and she rushed into the bathroom.
A short time later, Olivia heard retching and gagging. She shot up and raced to Casey's side, holding her wife's hair out of her face.
"Thanks," Casey said meekly when she was finished.
"All of that yelling probably wasn't good for the baby," Olivia said solemnly.
"You're probably right," Casey said as she finished brushing her teeth, "let's not do it anymore, okay?"
Olivia smiled, "Sounds like a plan."
"Um, Liv?" Casey began.
"Yeah, babe?" Olivia answered, almost crying with relief at the use of her nickname.
"In a day or two we can call the doctor's office and find out the sex…that is, if you still want to know."
Olivia nodded, "I'd love to if you would."
"I actually would," Casey said, "You got me excited about it."
Olivia smiled. Maybe they wouldn't take so long to get back on track after all.
AN: Ok, I know it seems like the story is pretty much over, but believe me it's not. I haven't quite decided what I want to do with it yet…there may be another Alex conflict in the future (don't worry she's not coming back, I promise) and there might also be some baby health drama…I'm still unsure. I'd really love to know what you think!
I promise that I will try to get the next chapter out faster than this one! I'm sorry again!!
