Author's Notes: Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.
This takes place sometime in the first season of the show. I tried to keep it in line with showverse, except for Camille. I love her and I love writing her, but she didn't fit into this, so she doesn't exist.
As always, a huge thank you to my writing buddy kathrynew30. She was my cheerleader and my sounding board for this, and I probably wouldn't even be writing again if it wasn't for her. I owe her a big hug when I see her again.
ALSO! You can all thank gleechild for the fact that you're reading this today and not tomorrow. She gave me the motivation to post the last chapter now instead of later. :)
XOXOXOXOXOXO
Unsure what to expect when he walks through the door, James opens it slowly and glances around. At first the place seems deserted, but then he spies a glow coming from the dining area. Logan's laptop.
But why didn't Logan turn on any lights? James makes his way to the table, where Logan is intent on a video game. "Hey, it's dark in here."
"Huh? Oh." Logan saves his game and leans over to flip the switch, causing them both to blink a few times. "Whoa. It got dark around me and I didn't even notice."
"How long have you been sitting here?" James makes a detour to the kitchen for Oreos and milk, returning without plates or glasses. They can white-trash it tonight.
"I don't know. How long have you been gone?" Logan reaches for the milk carton and drinks from it.
"Dude! What are you doing? There are germs on that! My germs, in fact!"
Logan wipes his arm across his mouth after lowering the carton. "I know." He belches, then grins. "So how was your date?"
"Not exactly how I'd planned it. It started out okay, but then—wait. It wasn't a date. It was just-"
"A date. It's okay, James, I won't freak out if you're gay," Logan smirks.
"Have you been drinking? You're acting weird."
"I feel giddy. Probably from all the gaming. Haven't taken a break in hours."
Logan sat here all night playing a game. Alone. James lets out a huge sigh. "Logan, I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For taking off like that. I should've stayed, made sure you were okay, I know how upset you were about Kendall and Jo, and I should've-"
"I wasn't upset about Kendall and Jo."
"Logan, it's me. I know how you feel about Kendall."
"No, you know how I did feel about Kendall. Things change, James. I'm the one who convinced Kendall to try again with Jo."
James sits back in his chair, stunned. Surely he heard wrong.
Logan reaches for a cookie and bites into it, waiting for James to say something.
"You're saying you don't love him anymore?"
"Not like I did."
"When did that change?"
Logan shrugs, wiping cookie crumbs away with his hand. "Sometime when you and I were hanging out, I guess."
"And you're just now telling me this?"
Another shrug. "You never asked."
"How can you be so calm about this?"
"Why are you freaking out?"
"Because! Dammit, Logan! I thought you were heartbroken here, and you didn't even care that Kendall is with Jo again?"
"Is that why you came home early from your date? Because you thought I was heartbroken?" Logan is smiling again, and damned if it isn't a smug grin.
"Maybe. Maybe I was worried about you, okay? Maybe I couldn't stop thinking about you, about how sad you were when I left. Because Kendall was gone and suddenly you needed James again, good old James who's always there when you need him and even when you don't."
Logan stops chewing to stare at James, swallowing before he speaks. "Is that what you think? That I don't need you?"
"Not when Kendall's around, you don't. I might as well be invisible!"
"James," Logan says softly. "You're never invisible to me. How could you think that?"
"Because!" James explodes, and finally it's all coming out. He prays no one else is in the apartment to hear this but really he doesn't care at this point. He pushes himself up off the chair and towers over Logan. "You took him to the zoo after we made plans to go! You went everywhere with him and didn't even ask if I wanted to go! It was all about Kendall, because you love him so damn much and I'm nobody!"
"Are you serious? You think you're nobody? James, is that what the panic attack was about? Is that why...oh my God."
"Don't worry about it, I'm over it," James mumbles, but the truth is evident in his eyes.
"Oh, James. I'm so sorry. I thought you knew, I thought...I didn't invite you because I knew Kendall wouldn't talk if anyone else was around. Kendall was hurting, he was going through hell without Jo, and he needed a friend. No matter what you and I are, I'm still the best friend he has and I needed to be there for him. Not because I loved him, but because that's what friends do. That's what you did for me, right? When I was heartbroken over Kendall, you were there for me. Not because you were in love with me, but because you're my best friend. I needed to be there for him, too. And that's all it was, James! I swear! I thought you understood that!"
"But...you loved him!"
"Not by then! By then, my feelings for him had faded, because..."
James watches Logan struggle, watches the frustration mounting in Logan until Logan too has to stand and face him. "Because why?" James asks. "You realized you're not gay?"
Rather than answer, Logan counters with a question of his own. "When did you realize you were?"
"Were what?"
"Gay, James. I know you went out with a guy tonight. And it was a date, don't lie to me. So when did you realize you were gay?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Of course it matters!"
"No, it doesn't! Because my date was fucked up and I'm never gonna have what I want so I don't know why I even bothered! Fuck!"
"James. Hey."
"I'm going to bed."
Logan edges around the table, faster than James has ever seen him move, and suddenly Logan's hands are wrapped around his biceps. "James. What do you want?"
James looks away. "Doesn't matter."
"Of course it matters," Logan whispers. "It matters to me because you matter to me. You're my best friend. Nothing's gonna change that, unless...unless we become something else."
Something else. What else could they be? Friends, enemies...boyfriends. We can be boyfriends. No one else will ever touch you. And again, the idea of someone touching Logan rips James' heart out. He can't risk losing this again, even if he has to wait a year. Two years, even. Five. James blinks and gazes down at Logan, into those dark eyes that threaten to swallow him. "I'm stupid, okay? I ruined this."
"Ruined what?"
"Our friendship. I messed it up. I fell for you but it was too late and you were gone and-"
"You fell for me?" There's a twinkle in Logan's eyes.
"It's stupid, I know you think I'm some dumb Neanderthal kind of guy but I—"
"I'm proud of the fact that you used that word properly in a sentence. You do listen when I speak."
"Of course I do. Even when it's boring, I listen to every word, because it's you."
Again Logan is struggling, and James waits until he can bring himself to speak. "I stopped loving Kendall because I started loving you. Because you're everything I want. Kendall's great, but he doesn't need me. He takes care of himself. I need to be needed. I need to take care of someone. I need to be the smart one, just like you need to be the pretty one. I would never have imagined that you would be perfect for me, but...you are, James. You're everything I need. You make me laugh, and we always have fun together, and you let me cook for you and take care of you, and...you're so fucking gorgeous it takes my breath away sometimes."
If James wasn't so stunned by Logan's words, he would probably laugh because it's almost exactly what Ryan said earlier. Logan's use of the "F" word is a shock in itself, as Logan never resorts to what he considers "crude" language. But sometimes, James has told him, no other word will do. Apparently this is one of those times. He slides his hands up under Logan's arms, settling them on Logan's shoulders from behind. "You're not just saying that?"
"Why would I say something like that if it wasn't true?"
"Because you don't want to hurt me."
"James," Logan says softly. "I wouldn't lie about this. I only wish I'd know you were feeling like that, doubting everything. You mean so much to me. I didn't know I came so close to losing you. I can't ever lose you, okay?"
James' heart is thundering in his chest, but this isn't a panic attack. This is being on the verge of getting something you've wanted for what seems like ever. "Can I...Logan, please let me kiss you."
"Since when you do ask?"
"I just...don't want to mess this up anymore than I already have. This is too important."
"I'd say the only way you could mess this up right now would be to not kiss me."
This new assertive side of Logan is pretty damn hot. James still can't believe this is really happening, that Logan feels the same way, that Logan actually wants to kiss him, and it doesn't sink in until Logan's lips are against his, until Logan is opening his mouth to James and pulling James down to his level for better access.
He loves me. Not Kendall. Me. And he's mine. His chicken dinners, his lectures about the moon, his weird experiments with chemicals that I can't even pronounce—it's all mine. I even get his perfect lips and those hands that are running down my chest and closer to my- James suddenly pulls back with wide eyes. "Logan!"
"What? Just because I'm a nerd doesn't mean I have no libido. Most nerds are horny 24/7!"
"Really?" James asks with wide eyes.
"Of course. Everybody knows that."
"Well then. Carry on."
Yeah, this new side of Logan is definitely hot.
XOXOXOXOXO
