a/n: Hello again! Thank you all for your follows, favorites, and supportive reviews: it means the world to me that people read these stories and are willing to help me improve them.
Someone mentioned Ed encountering horcruxes... yeah, Ed's going to have a field day with Tom's pitiful attempts at immortality.

But on with the story!

Quick Key:
~~~v~~~ = time skip
~o(0)o~ = change in viewpoint


Chapter 4: No Snape, No Stripping, No service

It turned out that Minerva had been right about Lupin: the man was a marvel when it came to Defense Against the Dark Arts. While Ed was glad to have found Lupin and convinced him to teach on such a short notice, he discovered soon enough that Minerva had…forgotten to mention a few details about their newest teacher.

Ed noticed the first problem during the start of term feast. Or rather, the first three problems. One was named Severus Snape, the other was called Remus Lupin, and the last was the grudge of undying hatred between the two. The two teachers had unknowingly sat next to each other as the students trickled in. Curse their stubborn pride that made them refuse to move to a different seat until the other did. It only served to give Ed a headache as the pair began a subtle prank war during the Sorting Ceremony. Or at least it was subtle to the students–from the head of the table Ed had a full view of everything that was going on.

"Abbott, Hannah!"

As Remus went to clap for the new Hufflepuff, a swift kick under the table made him yelp in surprised pain.

"Bones, Susan!"

When Snape reached for one of the fruit bowls that had been set out for the staff members, Lupin twitched his wand and the bowl of apples scooted away from the potion master's fingertips.

"Boot, Terry!"

Lupin, victorious in keeping the fruit away from Snape, snatched an apple from the bowl and held it up in exaggerated appreciation. He sent a small grin Severus's way before biting into the apple…only to find that it had been transfigured into an onion.

"Brown, Lavender!"

Snape made sure he was turned away towards the Slytherin table as Remus turned to glare at him. Which is why he failed to notice the slight flick of Lupin's wand, or to see his goblet tipping over in time to prevent pumpkin juice spilling into his lap.

"Bulstrode, Millicent!"

Now it was Remus's turn to look the other way as Severus whipped around to send a scathing glare at the other man. Not really the wisest choice considering what had just happened when Snape had done the same. A whispered spell later and Lupin was attempting to discreetly scratch his back as the result of a rather inconveniently placed itching hex.

"Finch-Fletchley, Justin!"

By his time, both men looked as if they were seconds away from getting rid of the subtlety and going for an all-out duel in the middle of the Great Hall. Maybe on another day Ed would have let them, but Minerva had told Ed to watch for a 'Harry Potter,' and it was impossible to watch for anyone with those two duking it out for Alpha male. He was not about to disobey Minerva McGonagall.

Clap. The small sound went unnoticed by the students, but Remus and Severus suddenly found themselves pushed painfully into the table as their chairs scooched themselves forward. They gasped as the air was momentarily nocked out of them, and, when they found they were unable to scooch back, sent each other a glare that blamed them for whatever had happened.

"Behave." Ed hissed, and the two looked at him in surprise…before pointing fingers at each other like children. "No, I don't care who started it, but if you don't stop I'll get Professor McGonagall to–"

The pair immediately stopped struggling against their seats and began watching the Sorting Ceremony with far more enthusiasm than was required.

~~~v~~~

Of course, there was a second thing Minerva forgot to mention, which might have been the tiniest bit important: Remus Lupin was a werewolf.

On the night of the full moon, Ed was on his way to Lupin's room after McGonagall had told him Remus was looking for him. Actually, looking back on it, Ed realized Minerva had withheld information for the purpose of forming this exact scenario.

Ed raised a fist to knock on Lupin's door, but before he could, he spotted a silver figure gliding down the hall. Is that…? Crap! It's Peeves.

Lucky for the alchemist (because Peeves never seemed to tire of tormenting him about his height), it only required a small clap to create a passageway into Remus's room. Ed stepped through, and another clap closed the opening behind him. He hoped that the ghost hadn't spotted him, otherwise Peeves would simply phase through the wall to follow him.

"Edward?!" Remus yelped from behind him.

Ed turned to face Lupin with an exasperated sigh. "I've told you a thousand times: it's Ed, not…Ed…ward…" The alchemist blinked. "…WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STRIPPING?" Because really, how was he supposed to react when he saw a fellow teacher in the middle of removing his pants?

Lupin gave an unmanly squeak and scrambled to pull a discarded robe off of a chair to cover himself. "I-It's not like I asked you to stare! What are you even doing here?"

"I– I–" Ed frowned as he tried to gather his thoughts. What had he been…oh, right. Minerva. "Professor McGonagall told me you wanted to see me, but–" The alchemist let his gaze wander to the pile of clothes tossed haphazardly on the floor. "I guess you weren't expecting company?"

"Um, no."

Well, this is awkward.

"Sooo…" Ed shuffled his feet as he tried to think of something to say that wouldn't increase the tension. "Do you normally strip in the middle of the room?" Needless to say, he failed.

"No, only–" The ten o'clock bell rang in the distance, and Ed realized that the sky had grown dark outside the room's windows. Lupin jumped at the sound and shook his head, eyes wide. "You need to get out of here!"

Ed backed away as the wizard rushed towards him in an effort to push him towards the door. "What? Why? If this is about discovering your weird hobby, I swear I won't tell Severus."

"It's not that! You just need to leave noWOOooO!" The end of Lupin's sentence changed into a strained howl, and the man stumbled backwards.

"Remus?" Ed went to offer help but stopped, caught in a mixture of confusion and horror as Lupin's body began to change. Limbs snapped and reformed, and coarse hair sprouted from previously pale skin. The transformation stretched and pulled against the fabric of the robe until the garment tore apart with a mighty rip.

The alchemist stared at the black cloth as it fell to the floor, a small voice in the back of his mind reminding him that it might be a better idea to pay attention to the newly-transformed wolf. "…So that's why you were stripping."


a/n: We have two-ish more chapters left in this "arc" of the story, at which point the updates will stop until I finish the next arc and then the next (each should encompass roughly one HP year). Thanks for reading!