a/n: Yeah I know I messed up the sequence in the book

a/n: Yeah I know I messed up the timeline in the book. Laurent's attack was before the scene when Jacob was in Bella's room. Read and review please.

P.S I do not own Twilight. I am a disclaimer. And yeah I know 2 chapters in a few hours… I already wrote this chapter on paper like 3 days ago… chapter 2 was based on this. So yeah I'm going to say it now, there are going to be a few chapters on Edwards POV. When the chapter has no name after the chapter, its Bella's point of view.


Chapter Three

Lost and Found…

Edward Cullen

"It will be as if I'd never existed." Those were one of the few words I had said to the person that I love—only going to love in my lifetime—forever.

The words are what I hear every time I close my eyes, when I wallow in my loneliness. For the past decade I've been trying to live everyday—tying to be normal. But how can I be normal when I had left my heart somewhere else—in Forks.

Even though my heart had stopped beating for over a century, now I could feel the hollowness in chest where my heart would have been. My heart doesn't exist anymore, Bella Swan has it. She doesn't really need it, since I know she's happy now with Jacob Black.

How do I know this? Even though I promised that I was not going to come back, I lost the battle with my noble side. I came back to Forks about six months after I left. I was ready to beg for Bella to take me, to forgive me for hurting her, and to tell her how my life was without her.

But when I climbed up to her window, I saw her… her wonderful smile flashed on her beautiful face that made my insides jump to rejoice, at the same time my heart broke into a million pieces when I realized that the smile that she had on her face wasn't even for me.

There was a boy in there with her, I recognized him—Billy Black's son Jacob. He was that boy who danced with Bella at prom giving her warning and threats from The Quileutes. I wasn't really listening to any of them. I was too distracted by my own pain. I fought the urge of bursting into her window to beg her to take me back.

So I jumped off her window and ran as far as my feet could take me. I was ready to breakdown, yell, to destroy things. When I finally couldn't take the pain I just fell on the ground—I still could taste the dirt on my lips.

I reminded myself that was my plan, for her to be happy—without me. I just wanted her to be happy. Ill just disappear from her life completely. Now that she's happy, I should be happy for her too.

That's a lie. I've been living a lie for the past decade. I'm just living for my family now. Being broken and useless hurt my family very much, I did not want them to suffer with me—especially my parents. So I tried to live my life, reminding myself every second of everyday that Bella is happy.

Maybe I'll go back to Forks or track her down fifty or sixty years from now—just to see her happy again. And if when I find her and she had passed away then that's when I'm going to end my existence, to end my suffering for not being with her.

A smile escaped my lips. That's the only thing I'm looking forward for—to end my lies and suffering.

Oh my god, did he smile at me? I heard a voice yell in my head. At that moment the buzzing noises that I tried to tune out were suddenly yelling in my head.

He is so cute—

Stop staring at him!

I hope he's single—he's intimidating though…

Anatomy for my next class—

Oh, there is a classmate right there, so I walked a bit faster to follow a guy with dark hair about an inch taller than me. He's a good person to hide from giggling girls.

When we entered the lab, I immediately sat on the first seat in front of the room. I knew that people usually avoided the front or anything near the teacher desks because Professors usually ask the people beside them ask the favors to distribute the lab materials.

I just stared at the door waiting for Professor Smith. I tried to keep the noises in my head into buzzing noises. It's easier for me now since all I had to do is close my eyes. Imagine her face, her smile and her chocolate brown eyes melting into my gaze—blushing before I would lean in to kiss her.

Besides college students usually think about hormones during classes that include the human body parts—it's hilarious to think about so I was really glad to tune them all out.

I decided to go back to school last year. And I hated it every minute I had in high school. It made me miserable because it reminded me of her the entire time I was there. I just went to high school to get my diploma so I can go back to college. I would have gotten the paper works for it, but I really wanted to distract myself—to be away from the house at least.

I do have enough science classes that I can immediately go in my residency. I also decided that I wanted to be a doctor—it's a very good distraction. But I wanted to start over college and of course my family was very happy about it. I heard them thinking that I should live my life again.

My siblings was inspired by my all of a sudden impulse for education and wanted to go to college too. Emmett and Rosalie are attending Harvard University.

Alice and Jasper are attending Cornell University. Of course I knew why Alice and Jasper chose a school that is only about 2 hours away. She's worried about me and is taking a close look at me with her sight. She's making sure I will not be planning to do anything stupid. She saw my death once when I realized that I couldn't live a world with out Bella existing in it.

As for me I'm attending college in Binghamton University. Rosalie thought I was insane that I wasn't going to an Ivy League school. I told her that it was none of her business.

My attention got caught back to bring me back in reality, when the professor came in.

I was as confused as the other students who had Professor Smith before, because another man entered the room. This isn't the man I saw in some of the students' memory.

Stupid Michael why did he have to sleep with a student. Now I have to teach 5 subjects this semester. I heard him complain as he started to prepare for his class.

"Well I know all of you are expecting, Professor Michael Smith to teach this class. But due to an unfortunate event," he cleared his throat. He tried not to roll his eyes—disapproving, angry at his old colleague. "I am going to teach this class for this semester."

The class had gone wild, some of the confused and curious about the unfortunate event, most of them were excited that Professor Joseph Landau was teaching the class instead of this Michael. Only a few percentage of the class knows the real reason why, they didn't seem to talk to their neighbors about it.

Then at the same moment I heard a familiar voice. "Yes!"

In an instant I turned my head to the direction of the voice. Even though it was just a whisper I heard it clearly. My eyes had landed on golden eyes—it was more a darker shade of gold though. A Vampire. But she looked familiar, unusual pale as a skin color, her hair was darker shade, perfect arch for a jaw line. Beautiful—more beautiful that she had been.

My insides started to shake, Bella?

I just froze in place my eyes still locked into her confused gazed. The beautiful creature I am seeing is Bella. But it's impossible—I know she's in Forks a happy human—right?

But if it is Bella, then she shouldn't look at me like that like she's confused or this plain blank expression on her face. She should look at me with certain determination that I felt that I deserved—anger, disgust anything but the confused look.

The vampire who can't look away from my locked gaze—is Bella, I was positive now after I inhaled a strong scent of freesias in the room. Finally the silence where she's sitting at—her mental muteness was also a proof to that.

I noticed Bella's lab partner was exchanging glances between me and Bella. Why is he looking at her like that? The way she had thought that sounded protective. The mental images of her wanting to cover her friends face with a notebook or wanting to throw something on me to break the gaze between me and Bella, made me realize that she's Bella's trusted friend.

So its 100 positive that that's Bella right there, the human girl said called her Bella and I also saw a glimpse on the Professor Landau's mind. He was looking at the two girls on the back of the room. Ah, Miss Turner and Miss Swan are in my class. Good.

"Why is he staring at you?" I heard the girl ask Bella in a whisper. Her voice sounded shaky, she was so worried about her friend. She frowned at me before Bella finally met her gaze.

Bella paused as she bit her bottom lip, then she leaned in closer to her friend's ear. Her voice was so low that I wouldn't be able to hear anything. But of course with my talent I heard her loud and clear through her friend's head.

"I don't know Freya, but I think I've seen him somewhere…" her voice gave my insides a good shiver. Even though I didn't hear the sound of her voice through my ears it somehow started to mend my broken heart.

"Like… a memory?" Freya whispered back. She reached for Bella's hand and held it.

My eyes flickered at both their hands. Freya didn't even flinch at Bella's cold hands. I scanned Freya's mind thoroughly, the girl didn't know Bella is a vampire. And the fact that they had been friends for awhile gave a proof that she's used to how unusually low Bella's temperature is.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Bella nod.

I turned around to face the board. The lecture had started but I wasn't even paying attention to the professor. My attention was on Freya's thoughts—she answered my question about what 'like a memory' had meant.

Poor Bella, ever since that car accident she had years ago, she had lost her memories.

I clenched my hands into fists. Accident? I'm sure that the car accident that on that human girl's mind is a pretense. I'm positive that the accident is Bella turning into a vampire.

But how? When? Who? She became a vampire and then lost her memory?

A lot of questions came rushing in my mind. Questions I can't even ask Bella myself because she might not even remember it or because it was none of my business. Bella physically looks like she's eighteen, nineteen maybe twenty. What age had she frozen into?

All these unanswered questions made me angrier, I could taste the bitter taste of it on the tip of my tongue. Who ever turned her is going to be destroyed—be killed for damning my Bella.

I smirked at my possessive hold on Bella. She isn't my Bella. I had no right to call her that. I lost my privilege to even say that when I left her in the woods that night—telling her that I do not love her. Leaving her for her own good… trying to prevent Alice's vision about Bella being one of us.

I hated myself even more than I had been. Fury had totally washed all over me, fury all flung towards myself. What if I never left Bella? Would I have prevented her being damned like me—never changing? What if I busted through that window and begged for her to take me back? What if—

I smiled darkly to myself, What Ifs… that's the only think I can think of now. I can't ever change the past—what is done is done.

But if she had lost her memory, would she know who I am? Guessing from the look from her face, I think not.

Should I talk to her? Would she talk to me? The fact that she whispered to her friend like that, I know she knows that I am a vampire too.

I remembered Jasper telling me about a yellow eyed vampire that Peter and Charlotte had come across in Michigan—it was Bella. I wished I was there in Oregon when they had visited, I would have seen in their mind—I would have known.

I finally realized how old Bella is physically and mentally. She was eighteen when she was turned. Ten years without a memory, I cringed at that thought that would have been hard on her. Probably a lot harder than Alice had felt because she doesn't have the visions like Alice has.

I was able to stop myself from shaking too much. I was still shaking a bit, but not for human eyes to see.

If I was human right now I would have shed a tear from my eye. Of all the places I would have gone, I chose to go where she is at. Where she peacefully stayed without me--probably not remembering me at all. Not remembering the fact that I love her so much that I couldn't do anything without her. Loving her so much that I was able to leave her to be a normal human.

But all that fight is left in vain. Now that she's the same kind as me—would she still love me the same way? Or would she despise me of what she had become. I know it's not my fault that she became a vampire, but it is my fault for exposing her to a world that never stops, that freezes.

In spite of my hatred that I had felt towards myself, I despised myself even more. I feel selfish right now. I had lost my heart 10 years ago. Now my heart has found its way back to me—more like I found a way back to my heart.

I am stupid excuse of a lover.


a/n: So? What do you think? Read and review please… Give me inspiration to write please!