Chapter IV
"You know..." began James as he reclined back on the arm chair. "Everyone always says I like her because of how pretty she is. But that's really stupid." He drank a good amount of firewhiskey. "There's lots of pretty girls at Hogwarts, but Lily - she's just special." His eyes glazed over as he though of her.
Across from him Remus smiled. He liked seeing his friends drunk. "Yeah she's great."
James slurped forward with narrowed eyes. "But - but you think she's great for me."
"Oh yeah, no need to get paranoid."
"Good." James rested his head against the cushion again and closed his eyes. "You know I like to think that if it wasn't for Snivellus she would be with me."
Peter, who slouched next to him snorted. "I don't think she'd ever be with you."
"Why ever not?"
"Well Evans is just really serious. She's like super mature, that probably why she liked Snape. He's no fun at all."
"She never liked Snivellus! They were just friends - she probably just felt bad for him." James nodded his head to his own comment as if that increased it's validity. "Don't you think so Moony?"
Remus exchanged an amused glance with Peter but agreed with him all the same. "Of course."
"Anyhow none of that is goanna matter pretty soon-" continued James as he took another swig of alcohol. "This time when I defeat him it's goanna be definitive. He's goanna be so embarrassed he'll wish he had an invisibility cloak."
As he continued to slurp along half-coherent sentences, Remus rolled his eyes and reclined on the sofa. It had been a long day. And he was tired of drinking and hearing James's delusional discussions about Lily. It really was getting very tiresome.
Especially because James's problems looked like nothing compared to his own. James could have and be anything he wanted. He was rich, good looking, talented, and well human. While Remus was just a lonely werewolf who would never amount to anything because society wouldn't permit it.
It was hard no being envious of his friends sometimes. Specially James because he was the one who least appreciated everything he had. He had lousy priorities. With him it was all about Snape, and Quidditch, and pranks. It was like he didn't realize that five years from now none of those things would really matter.
If Remus had been in charge of his friend's life he would have made him concentrate on important things. Like wooing Lily, and getting good grades. So that when the time came to graduate James could marry the girl of his dreams, and work in the ministry like his father. He could even become a war hero with his dueling skills. It was a really a pity that James had never taken his advice on anything - he thought Remus worried too much.
But if he did he couldn't help it. It was only natural to want him and Sirius to be happy, especially cause he knew his own happiness would be too hard to achieve outside of school. No, he had understood long ago that these were the best years of his life, and that it was pretty much just downhill after graduation.
As he watched James begin to drool on the chair, Remus leaned forward and snatched the bottle from his hands. He took a deep drink, feeling it burn through him. He hated alcohol, always had. The very smell made him feel sick but the truth was in a disgusting way it was comforting.
Maybe because it stopped him from thinking too much.
ooo
Sirius and Lily sat on her bed. Not talking and not touching. Her hair was pulled up in a lopsided bun, and she was wearing pock-a-dot pajamas and neon socks. Even through the seriousness and intensity of the situation, he was smiling a little. She always had a way of surprising him.
Her hands were bunched up together on her lap and she was staring at his mud-caked shoes which had left a trail from the window. He was looking at her.
"I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you." He said wondering if he had woken her up. The blankets on her bed where ruffled and covered in books and parchments. He eyed them discreetly. It was all school work, but some of these assignments she was working on weren't due for weeks. "Are mad at me still?" he asked turning back to her.
She shrugged.
He took a breath and leaned forward, his head hanging down. "You're not making this any easier."
"You think this should be easy?"
Sirius sighed. "I guess you're right, but I don't know what to do."
"About what?" her voice sounded tense and she still wasn't looking directly at him. He took this to mean that she was being cautious - keeping her distance.
"You - us."
"So now there is an 'us' again?" She looked puzzled.
"I'm not sure - I just know I miss you. I miss you all the time. I didn't know it would be so hard."
"Well I miss you too. But I miss a lot of things."
"I know I was the one who ended it but I'm not sure that was the best idea now. I mean it doesn't change anything - I still betrayed him. And I still feel guilty about it. And now I also feel guilty whenever I see you because these days you always look miserable."
"Well that's not only because you."
"I know -" He stopped and lifted his head back up. "But that makes me feel worse." He paused as he tried to vocalize another faction of his remorse. "I'm sorry I was so selfish. I never should have started this. I mean you were very... vulnerable. You would never have done this if you hand't been so confused."
She stared at him. "I wasn't just with you because I was lonely. I'm not that different from others girls you know. You're gorgeous and complicated ... I've wanted you for a long time in my own way."
He felt speechless, she never talked like that. "I didn't know that."
"So you really don't have to feel sorry for me. I'll be fine."
"I'm not here to apologize Lily. I'm here because I came to a really important conclusion today."
"Yes?"
He glanced over at her apprehensively. "Do you want me to leave?"
She stared back at him.
"It's alright if you do, but just say so, alright? Are you still that angry? Because you are not being yourself."
Lily leaned against one of the four posters of her bed. "I just didn't expect to see you again - like this. I thought you meant what you said. I'm not used to talking to you anymore."
"Oh."
"Well, what did you figure out Sirius? What was your big revelation?" It surprised him how cold her tone was. She was keeping very guarded. Something was scaring her.
But it didn't really matter to him. He had to say it, even if she didn't want to hear it. "I've never been so happy with anyone as I have been with you." He waited a moment for her to speak but she didn't. Once again she kept quiet, those beautiful green eyes starring back at him like blank mirrors. "And I know I make you happy too."
"Yes, you do."
"Well then, don't you think that means that we're supposed to be together? I mean we've both have shit years. Especially you and yet when we're together we just forget about it all."
She had turned away from his slightly. Her eyes looking back down at the floor. "Are you saying we should be a couple?"
"Maybe. Yes," he found himself encroaching on her space. His hand moving tentatively from her side to her tight.
"And we wouldn't hide?"
"No, I don't want to do it like that like that anymore. I think I love you Lily."
She moved his hand off and tried to breathe as if her whole world wasn't coming apart again. "What are you talking about?"
He shifted back. "I'm saying I'm ready for more. And I wanna help you."
Lily shook her head. "Now I have to deal with this on my own."
"Why? Isn't it always better to let someone in? That's what I learned with you."
"Yes, letting people in is good-" she said breathlessly. "But there comes a time where you have to learn to depend on yourself."
He stared back at her. "What are you talking about?"
She put her head in her hands. "You're the one who's not making any sense at all. And I mean what about James, what's goanna happen when he finds out, have you thought about that?" Her head snapped back up.
His cold eyes narrowed. "I know it's goanna sound sick but I don't think I care anymore."
"You don't care about your best friend?"
"I don't care about anything except you."
ooo
At the end of the party (around 4 AM) Peter and Remus carried James back to the dormitory. He seemed heavier than the last time they'd had to do that. Or maybe the difference was that this time the werewolf got Peter for assistance instead of Sirius.
The unconscious boy grumbled incoherently as they set him down on his bed, which thankfully was the one closest to the door.
Peter massaged his aching shoulder. "Man I'm exhausted."
"Yeah," replied Remus. "Prongs is drinking too much. He's really lost it over that fight with Snape."
At the mention of it Peter stiffened. "I wish I hand't run away that time."
They looked at each other and neither said anything for a while. Instead they got changed and got into their beds and it was only when Peter was almost asleep that the werewolf realized he hand't seen Sirius all night. "Hey do you have any idea where Padfoot is?"
Peter thought uncomfortably back to the party. "I had a bit of quarrel with him."
"About what?"
"I don't know. Greta told me that he hans't been meeting with his 'girls' and that worried me so I tried talking to him and he got really angry."
Remus sat up. "Did he pull out his wand?"
"No, but he left."
"When was that?"
"Around 11 maybe? I don't know. I'm pretty angry at him still to tell you the truth."
In the darkness Remus looked around the room. "He should be here by now."
"Ah, he'll come in when he wants to. You know how strange he gets when he's in his jerk mood."
Remus collapsed back onto his pillow and closes eyes, partially wishing he had drank more. He was sick of worrying.
ooo
Sirius didn't sleep much that night.
Even after running to her and sleeping with her, and watching her dream soundlessly against his chest in that classroom.
Her hair was blonde, and her eyes were brown.
And everything was wrong.
ooo
A/N: This chapter is shamelessly overdue. Thanks you Fallowing Thunder for nudging me in that direction.
