Entry #4! I think it might be my favourite so far.
I don't own FML. BUT I LOVE IT.
Enjoy!
My first impression of humans:
Wow, some of these guys have extremely killer suits. Jealous!
Second impression:
Calm the fuck down, folks! What's so terrific about a sinister-smiley lady with Bieber hair?
Third impression:
I'M GONNA BE ON TV!
I watched the recording later - thanks Joshua! At least SOMEONE knows how to work the PVR.
You can't really tell from the video footage...but inside I'm dying of excitement. Really! No one ever believes me..
And then, they go in for a nice close-up on the oh-so-fascinating Bieber lady, and yep that's me in the background. See? The thing that looks like a blurry...rock? That's me! I'm serious. Me. All me. At least until the camera pans around and I dissapear behind her inflated head. There I am again, coming out on the other side! And there's a nice little group shot of us...I'm only half obscured by Anna. That's pretty good. Usually she eclipses all of me like the frigging sun. Whatserface standing behind me looks kinda constipated. And buddy behind her...well, he looks like he's about to sneak his hand somewhere where hands shouldn't sneak on national TV.
"We are of peace. Always." *insert smirk* she says.
Um, LIES. She was not of peace when I spilled crumbs on her white desk thing. Or the tie incident. Or when she caught Samuel using his work screen for online dating. Or when I put her washing mashine on high rinse instead of medium. Or when me and the boys showed up at a meeting with a hangover last year. Or - you get the picture.
Anna = not of peace.
Well, back to watching me on TV. There we are marching spiffily through the hall by the guys with the little hats...
For some reason right now I have a feeling that out there somewhere, a kid with a stupid haircut is watching this intently.
...Let's get a big SHUT UP from the people holding up the thingies and asking questions. Buddy, if I don't get answers, do you really think she's gonna tell you shit?
I'd love to tell these fellas where they can shove their mics and their scientists, but unfortunately I'm not allowed to open my mouth under any circumstances.
Enter Chad Decker. Mouthy little shit with funny hair. Kinda reminds me of me. Minus the height and intimidating persona. Oh - and he's allowed to make facial expressions the likes of which have never happened to me.
Leave it to Anna to be on Earth 5 whole minutes and go all fuzzy with a brand-new crush. Typical. One sucker-up compliment and she's long gone. FML I can just see it now...I know what she's gonna be talking about for the next 24 hours every day for the rest of my life.
"Is there such a thing as an ugly Visitor...?"
Dumbass! Can you not see the chick standing right beside me? Not Anna. The one with no name. Not to mention the other 2 fellas. Eesh.
"Thank you. You're not so bad yourself."
She's not even facing me and I can see that evil little grin through the back of her head.
Chad looks pretty thrilled at this point. Would not be suprised if he was...what do humans say? Shitting a brick. Uh oh, he's smiling at her...making the eyes...great. More ammunition.
Then she walks out. FINALLY. Maybe she sensed I was about to do something drastic, like point hopefully at the door. Yeah. I'd go there!
Oh crap. Just saw on the recording I kinda walked in front of her as she turns around to smile creepily one more time. Maybe she didn't notice... Just in case, I'll blow up the PVR thing when I'm done watching. Hey, I never said I knew how it works. The Delete button is NOT marked.
Well, I saunter (aka walk normally) up to the scheming/dictating room just in time to see-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Chad did NOT just say we have a sense of humour...I gotta rewind that. OH MY - HE DID SAY THAT. Someone sure thinks he's a little expert. Does that blue tie make you feel like a big man? Does it? I think it does.
Apparently Anna thinks so too.
She looks at me with the evil smirk on full blast and informs me...
"I want HIM."
That sounds vaguely like an order, so I leave the room. Iunno if she wants me to run out and find Chad or what, but I don't wanna be in the same room as a lady with a crush. In fact, I'm delighted that I'm not Chad Decker. Because he's as good as fucked, to be totally honest.
Later that day...
You know its bad when you're doing paperwork later, she's sitting beside you...and all she's writing is Mrs. Anna Decker in swirly-twirly font with hearts and stars and that all that pansyshit.
Um...aren't these papers supposed to be returned to the U.N.? Since the only reason we're writing on paper rather than screen things is because they are to be returned to the little people?
And we don't have any whiteout. I won't mention this because she will most likely say "You were supposed to take care of the whiteout. When I told you 'Prepare for landing' I meant 'find whiteout'."
Usually I'm pretty good at deciphering vagueness. If I wasn't, it'd be bye-bye skin. But there's a limit. I don't even know what whiteout is.
What's worse is when she writes Mrs. Anna Decker on your hand (aka MY hand. Knew I should have been keeping an eye on it.) and doesn't even realize it because she's busy writing it again for the 39642nd time.
FMarcus'sL IT'S PERMANENT INK.
Option A) Legally change name to Mrs Anna Decker.
Option B) Amputate hand (Joshua? Got a second?)
Option C) Scrub like hell.
Off to explore aforementioned options before the rumours start up.
Reviiiew please :)
RXP
