Hmmm... it seems my quota has not been met. Ah well, the offer still stands: give me fifteen reviews and I'll post on Wednesday instead of Friday, and I'll post a day earlier for every two reviews after that.

And now for the conclusion of "Chew"! (I'll admit, out of the six or so oneshots I've written so far for this project, this one's my favorite. ^_^ It makes me laugh.)


Chew, Part II

In which Max has a misadventure in proselytization.

Now, I'm sure most people who make a habit of ingesting food know that eating too quickly can cause things to go down the wrong tube, resulting in mad and uncontrollable coughing that lasts until the food is dislodged. Normally this situation isn't much more than a minor annoyance. But, as it turns out, when you've eaten nineteen and a half greasy, mass-produced hamburgers, the violent tensing and spasming associated with coughing is enough to set off an already destabilized gastrointestinal system. Even while the bile was rising as I hacked and gasped for air, I desperately commanded my stomach, You will not puke! You are Maximum Ride and you will not—and then I yakked up all over Total, the table, and the floor, bringing an end to my burger-eating frenzy.

Nudge and Angel screamed, seeing the kitchen was now coated by regurgitated burger juice. "Ew!"

Gazzy's face wrinkled up. "Gross," he remarked, stepping further away from the puke puddle.

"My fur!" Total cried. He almost looked like he'd been up-chucked along with the burgers.

A bad taste lingered in my mouth, I was covered in my own sick, and my unsettled stomach was about ready to throw up again. Fang, who took pity on me in my pathetic state of defeat, helped me from my barf-covered seat and gently led me towards the bathroom. "Come on, Max," he told me, sighing, "let's get you cleaned up."

"That's what happens when you eat your food too quickly, Max," Iggy called to me from the table, smiling triumphantly as he gulped down the last bit of his hamburger. Feeling too sick to be angry, I whimpered softly and let Fang lead me away. I was never going to live this one down.


"If it means anything, Max, I was highly impressed by your effort," Iggy remarked, leaning against the brick building I was standing in front of, "I mean, I was sure that you were going to be a goner way before burger number twenty!"

"I hate you," I grumbled miserably as I stood on the sidewalk, wearing the stupid outfit Iggy had instructed me to wear.

"Aw, c'mon, I'm not that bad," Iggy insisted, "I even gave you a whole day off before your twenty-four hours of servitude!"

"That's because we were both too sick to our stomachs to get out of bed!" I growled.

"Eh. It was worth it." Just then he perked up, and a smile crossed his face. "Hmmm, I think I hear somebody coming. How does she look, Fang?"

"Like a complete nutcase," he replied with a grin.

"Perfect."

I sighed. To add insult to injury, Iggy had brought Fang along to stand with us and make sure I wasn't flaking out on the bet. You'd think Fang of all people would cut me some slack, but noooo, he says I let my pride get the best of me and that I had it coming. Plus, I think he wanted to see me make a royal fool out of myself. Some friend he is.

"Alright Max, here he comes. Remember, you need to be friendly and bold about your faith—you are a light to the world! Oh, and make sure you're smiling. Is she smiling, Fang?"

Fang gave me a firm look, and reluctantly I donned the phoniest, most cheerful smile I could muster. "Yup, she's ready to go."

From between clenched, smiling teeth I muttered, "One of these days you two are going to fall sleep and never wake up." Then, without further ado, I walked up to my first victim and declared in a happy-happy voice, "Hello sir, I'd like to talk to you a moment about the Way of Iggy."

"Whaaa...?" The man stared at me as if I was a psycho, taking in my elaborate feather headdress, brightly painted face, and my bold-lettered sandwich board reading, "Iggy Is the Light of the World!"

"Yes," I continued enthusiastically, "You see, Iggy, the great sky god, has chosen me as one of his prophets, and I—"

"—Do your parents know where you are, young lady?"

I feigned a sad expression. "My parents never saw the love and perfection of Iggy, but it's because of their waywardness that I feel compelled to share my message with you, to save you from a similar fate. You see, Iggy is a superior winged being who flies around the world trying to make people's lives better, and if we all believe in him and offer him sacrifices the world will live in harmony and—"

"This is all very fascinating," he cut me off, "But I have to get to work and—"

"At least take one of my pamphlets?" I had been up all night typing up phony religious pamphlets that extolled Iggy's praises, much to my fury. The man didn't seem to appreciate my effort, however, because without saying another word he turned around began walking away at a very brisk pace. I sighed in relief. The humiliation was over... for now.

But, of course, then Iggy cleared his throat and oh so kindly reminded me, "Now Max, what do you have to say when a non-believer walks away?"

I am going to kill Iggy when this is over. Taking a deep breath, I called out after the man, "Woe is you, unbeliever! I am one of Iggy's chosen brides, and when this world is destroyed by wild donkeys he will take me and the rest of his followers to create a new civilization! Your children will never be counted amongst the Iggyites!" That, of course, only prompted the poor guy to walk faster, while Iggy and Fang continued to convulse behind me in silent, hysterical laughter. I swear, tears were forming in their eyes!

"Oh, you think that's real funny, don't you!" I whined, "Look, I did not agree to this when I took the bet. Haven't I done enough already?"

"Please, we haven't even started!" Iggy said, pausing between laughing fits, "It's early, and most of the stores aren't even open yet. There are still hundreds of souls that need to be shown the Way of Iggy before the day is out!" Then he resumed his previous cackling.

I was half-tempted to make a run for it while the boys were still doubled over with laughter, but I knew Angel was sitting in a nearby diner eating breakfast with the others, and that if I tried anything she'd probably use her mind powers to foil my attempts.

You're probably right, Max, Angel said sweetly, After all, if we let you get away, then we'd have nothing to record! Oh great, I'd forgotten that Fang was getting all of this on camera. I guess I know what video footage they'll be showing at my wedding reception.

"Can I at least have some breakfast, then?" I complained, "You've had me up since midnight doing your evil bidding, and I'm starving!" Seven straight hours of slavery and embarrassment had caused me to build up quite an appetite.

"Sure Max," Fang replied, his facial composure still interrupted by an uncharacteristically wide smile, "I'll go grab you something. You in the mood for a Big Mac?" Fortunately, I had plenty of time to beat the snot out of Fang before the next unbeliever showed up.


XD So whadidja think? Be sure to review and let me know!