"Shiawase" (part 1)
Author's Note: Shiawase (幸福) is actually quite a hard word to translate. Most of the time I see it translated as happiness in English but I don't think this is fully accurate. I think in Chinese (幸福) is pretty similar to the japans word, but in English it is quite different. I think it is probably better to say that Shiwase means both happiness and enjoying life, feeling that you are lucky as well.
This story started off as a one shot but then it ended up being in two parts.
As always, this story is independent from the previous one shots. In this story, Kaen (OC) and Benkei are actually married.
This story ends up being in three parts but I actually didn't intend it to be three seprate parts, it was just intended to be a oneshot.
This might well be the last time that he sees her but he was not going to let anyone, especially not her, see how much he actually loved her. He would not let this mask of indifference slip and destroy his three years of hard work.
Even as he acted out the role of the indifferent husband in the final scene of this play that he wrote, he would memorise every detail of her face and body, so that he could summon this vision of her when he finally faced his end.
But this was not how he would choose to remember her: a pair of very sad eyes due to what she just saw. If it wasn't for that then she might be smiling at him as he was actually approaching her without being forced to by his brother.
"Benkei, do you finally wish to divorce me?" she asked. "Is this why you bring that girl there and even kiss her when you know that I would be in that garden?" (1)
"Kaen, you know as well as I that we married due to my brother and your father. We cannot get out of this marriage unless death ends it."
She was the illegitimate daughter of a noble and a peasant girl he took a fancy to when he was very young, while he was the product of rape that was only alive due to the goodwill of his mother's husband. Despite the rest of their family being quite well off, they did not have much chance of being married into a family of equal status. (2)
Marrying one another then solved this problem, only that this marriage of convenience seemed to have ended up as one big failure as the husband must not be able to stand his wife since he only spend one night alone in the same room as her, and that was the inevitable wedding night.
"Yes, I know how reluctant you are, as you protested to your brother during every minute of the arrangement." Kaen said bitterly. "I also know that you didn't want to be burdened with this piece of unwanted good."
Despite knowing how much these words would hurt her, he still said them.
"But why do you wish to see me now?" she asked again.
"This war is getting out of hand and to tell the truth, I don't know whether I can actually survive. If I die," The way he said this made the extremely serious matter sound so light, "You are free to remarry."
"Benkei, you know that I won't remarry so what is the point of this conversation?" Kaen said.
"I am merely telling you that you will be free from all obligations once I die. If you die…I will do the same." He lied very coldly.
She was still young enough to bear children and he thought that she was very beautiful. That was why he was sure that she could find happiness with another man once she forget about him, and he was sure that she would not have the misfortune of being loved by another man who was afraid to love her.
"That is all I want to say."
"Wait." There was a sharpness and authority to her voice that he never heard before, preventing him from leaving.
"When I was still a young girl…before I was taken in by my father, my mother and I lived near a monastery. I had to go to pick herbs from there everyday and I ended up being friends with this young monk who had a similar job. He was also like me because we both bore bloods of nobility that were shameful. (3)
"In time, that friendship changed into love and he would give me flowers whenever we meet. The flowers were," She said very softly, "hydrangeas, as there was a field of hydrangeas near the herbs.
"When I was sixteen my father decided to take me in. The one I love told me that he would leave the monastery and try to achieve some sort of success in his life so that he can marry me. (4)
"So I waited and waited, delayed and prevented all suggestions of marriage because I know that he will come to me and fulfil our promises with some hydrangeas in his hand. And then…"
Luckily, his back was facing her so she won't be able to see his face, or that he was clutching onto the omamori he wore around his neck. (5)
"It is a pity then." Benkei said very coldly, preventing her from reaching the most important bit. "That you didn't manage to wait long enough as you ended up marrying another man."
"Perhaps this is my fate all along." Kaen said very darkly and her hands were shaking as well. "Because the hydrangeas have the meaning of fickleness. However, I will not give up believing that he will return to me."
Everything would soon be over because Kiyomori would be purified. While Benkei was not idealistic enough to believe that this would stop the war, he knew that the war could not end if this did not happen.
"Finish it…" he whispered as he clutched onto his omamori for support.
Perhaps his grip was extremely hard due to the pain that he was in, or maybe it was because he had clutched onto the omamori for so many times, but the strings snapped, causing it to be opened.
The pair of earrings in the shape of hydrangeas fall out, and it was too late for him to hide them.
"There were meant to be given to Kaen when I asks her to marry me." he explained very sadly as he held the precious objects in his hand. "But I never ended up asking her. I couldn't anymore."
A few months later after these earrings were finished, he made that decision which completely changed and destroyed his life along with numerous others.
Ironically enough, his brother chose to arrange a marriage for him when he was not able to make any woman happy. To be married was bad enough as his wife was destined to suffer, but the worse thing was that Kaen was his victim! He did not want to destroy her life.
He couldn't allow that, that was why he protested against the marriage. When that failed, he decided to treat her in a very cold way so that she would stop loving him as that path would only give her grief, especially when he knew that he could only find redemption with death.
Hydrangeas were the flowers of fickleness but fickleness was not always the same. His feelings changed and fade, yet did not change or fade. His love for Kaen remained, but the way it affected him changed. (6)
He once wanted nothing more then to be with her, but he changed his view after the incident. He wanted Kaen to be happy with someone else because he could not give her any happiness.
(1) I think divorce has a very different meaning in society at that time. For a woman, being divorced is not so much just divorced, but being cast away by your husband. If a woman is divorced then it is actually very shameful.
(2) In regard to Kaen being illegitimate, I meant that her mother was not her mother's concubine, but just his mistress. As for Benkei, I think I make his past life like this due to reading about the parentage of the real Benkei.
(3) Since Benkei ended up being a kusushi I feel that he might have been taught herb lore in the monastery. I felt that Benkei was send to the monastery and due to learning about herb lore he ended up deciding to become a herbalist.
(4)She is two years younger then Benkei (in my fan fics Kaen is always only two years younger then Benkei.) unless I specifically mention it.
(5) An omamori is a Japanese amulet and they are usually made of cloth and contain paper or pieces of wood. They are sort of like a personal charms and I think they are worn in a variety of way- I think it is very possible that they might be wore around the neck.
(6) Yet another reference to one of his character songs- "Mangetsu no shizuku wa biyaku" again- this line: "the hydrangeas has the meaning of 'fickleness', these feelings change and fade, yet cannot change nor fade." The main idea is that his feelings were fickle because he has probably promised her that he would always be by her side, but even though he break this promise, it doesn't really meant that his feelings are changing, because he still loves her.
Author's Note: I don't really think that Benkei is being out of character due to what he did to Kaen, because we see him doing a similar thing in the actual game. He wishes for those he care about to be happy, even if that meant he would lie to them and let them hate him. In the game, he takes Nozomi as a hostage and does not explain why he did this, risking her hating him. Likewise, in order to make it appear as if he is a traitor to the Genji, he actually mocks Kurou by telling Kurou that he thinks too high of himself.
