There was no thought to it, I put one foot in front of the other as I had been for years now. I guess I would never get off this road, and that thought alone seemed to put twenty pounds on my chest. I couldn't even began to entertain that thought now, and as the sun started sinking lower the air gradually grew a chill. I stopped and unloaded the my bag from my shoulders, pulling it forward so I could get my shawl from inside. And after persistent looking, and practically dumping the whole thing out I realized that I had let Rei borrow it the other day. She had always liked mine more, and everytime I pulled it out with both laughed at that memory of that time we stopped at the festival of flowers in the water country, and letting that drunk rich guy to buy these for us. He picked out the blue one for me, said it matched my eyes, and it was pretty spot on. The color blue was rich and deep, with some gray making it even more cool toned, though instead of my eyes it had reminded me of my last nanny, the one who I walked away from. Her grey hair was gray but it was so dark that sometimes it took a sheen of blue just in the right sunlight. Mito… I closed my eyes and squeezed them shut. I felt the pressure build behind my eyes, that same throb that I felt in my throat was everywhere now. I didn't even mind the cold anymore, all I wanted right now was to make this stop. I'm numb, I'm numb, I'm numb. I felt a familiar feeling well up in my chest, that sudden dark sadness. I couldn't ignore it this time, it's deep unsettling feeling washed over me. 'It's eating you' that little voice now whispered, and God did I ever want to claw it out. Though some sane part in me knew it was right, the darkness inside me was slowly encroaching its ways out, looking for the surface. I've been in this war all my life, losing ground and taking it back, in constant battle with that other side of me. It would always worm its way out in the most difficult times, starting with a simple thought or action, though most of the time I was quick to slam that mental door shut before it could reach any further. I wasn't fast enough tonight, and it had spread so quick, breaking down all those walls that I had built to shield myself from what I don't want to know. I didn't even feel the first tear fall, and as I looked up at the stars I noticed there was more where that came. I don't know where to go from here, and just admitting that felt like a stab in the chest, but I couldn't fight it anymore. I'm not smart like Rei, I before I had met her I was just barely making it by. Thinking back now it seems as though she had all the answers, and I wish she was here. I wish Mito could be here too, if only so I could hear just sing that sad song one more time. Right now, when I was truly alone, I missed the people who I had left. The people who I abandoned, on a dream that I could change. Before it was okay, I knew both of us would be better with me gone. I was okay with being alone, and they were better off without without me. Though I knew those were just lies I would tell to justify my leaving, for not resisting that call to my soul to protect itself. All of these feelings came all at once from deep within, the ones I had been refused to acknowledge for so long now taking their vengeance in the darkness that guided them. Guilt and shame. I know I hurt them when I left, it was written all over their face, and yet I still walked away. Like nothing we had meant anything, as if they were just disposable figures in my life. They both mean so much to me, but how could they ever know. The ice that I hate about myself protected me from getting hurt, let me put on a mask that hid everything that I felt. Made it easier for me to just pretend that the emotion wasn't real, almost as if it were never there to began with. But it was, it was always there, hiding inside with the darkness, waiting for its day to rush to the surface. I'm always running, whether it's from people, commitment, or just myself, there was no rest for a girl who is scared of everything. I felt more tears run down my face, I'm so scared to allow myself to let go because I don't know what will happen if I do. I don't want to be hurt, I've seen what it does to people and I don't know if I'll be able to come back if I sunk that low. My mother... But I'm tired of running, I'm tired of leaving, jumping into that cycle of pushing my feelings back until they break their barriers. I want to feel, I want to love, I want to be a better person. Someone who doesn't hurt, someone who isn't afraid. I want to be strong, like Rei and Mito. My soul was calling for a change, and I follow wherever she leads me. There's a change that's going to come, I don't know where or when, all I know is that I will be here for it.
Then I saw lights, dim but still shining. I couldn't help the smile that stretched my face, and I felt that little spark of life light up again. Yes, maybe this was my answer. Though before I could get too excited I straighten my face and tried to focus, okay, it looked to be some kind of bar or something, and in the distance I could see even more lights behind it. So this must be the halfway stop from that place behind me and the place in front of me. And after quickly throwing everything back into my bag, I walked closer and studied the people who I could see inside. Well, from where I was they all seemed to be bobbing heads, so their all alive, and I guess that was a good sign, right? No, remember what happened last time you walked into a place blind, all those people were alive too, and very mean. So I waited until I saw someone else walk in, it was actually two people. Both seemed to be travelers, with their cool matching cloaks shielding them from the cold. I watched to see if they would be rejected, and after about 10 min I couldn't wait any longer and walked to the entrance. What the hell, I can't get kicked out of two different places twice in one night, It will be like lighting striking in the same place twice… Hopefully. As I got closer the more I noticed it wasn't the nicest place, and it was most definitely a bar. With the shady atmosphere it gave off and the loud voices that boomed inside with laughter and grander there was no mistaking it. For a second I debated whether or not I really wanted to deal with this tonight. Just a few minutes ago I was crying my eyes out, and now all of a sudden I'm craving a drink. Meh, what better of a place to celebrate your new beginning than in a shady run down old bar? I was trying to chase this chill out of my system anyway, so with the call of a alcohol and stupidity on my side I walked in. The first thing I noticed was that it was, in fact packed. There wasn't a single space where you could sit back and relax, where ever you looked there was people. So I settled for the cramped bar, and after taking my seat that I'm pretty sure I stole from some guy who got up to use the restroom, I took another glance around, and suddenly my stomach dropped. It was all men. From left to right I scoured the place desperately searching for a feminine face, though the closest thing that I found was one of the two guys who had came in before me. Now that I was closer I could see that actually their matching cloaks were black with red clouds. There was a blond one and a red headed one, and the blond one was the one I wasn't really sure was a boy or a girl. He… She… it had very soft features, and had long hair, and was wearing makeup and nail polish. Though his or hers build was that of a lean man or a muscular girl. Maybe he was just a very feminine guy, or a masculine girl. Though maybe he or she didn't really care for the gender thing, and that was cool too. "What can I get ya?" I looked back to the expecting bartender in front of me, somewhat shy now after being caught in my thoughts, "Sake, please" . He smiled, "Would you believe you're the first please I've gotten all night?", he shook his head with laughter and turned around to fill the dish and set it in front of me, "You'd think there would be more people who still knew how to use their manners", and with that he sighed. This old man was nice, he reminded me of the field hands who I would work with when I traveled with Rei. His skin leathery, small bony hands calloused, with a gentle look in his brown eyes that seemed so sincere, and almost concerned. So I smiled back at him, "yeah tell me about it" and threw that little dish back. The burn was satisfying, in the way it flooded over my chest and up my neck with a warmth that chased that chill of numbness away. It sure as hell felt better than feeling nothing at all. I plopped it down in front of him again and watched as he raised his brow with question, "Had a rough day?". "Where do I even begin…" he turned around, though instead of refilling the glass brought the bottle in front of me. I couldn't help but giggle at the sight, "You looked like you could use it" and watched as I began to fill up my dish again. What the hell I guess I could, I'm celebrating after all. Though sober me was already warning tipsy me to stop after the fourth bowl, I couldn't be caught without my wits in a place like this. I took my backpack off and moved it so it sat in between my legs on the bar stool and heaved a sigh, I am really tired. I felt eyes on me so I looked up, back to the old bartender who was still standing there, "You know…" he began, reaching in front so he could pick up a tumblr and a rag to start drying it, "I don't make it habit of mine to ask questions where they aren't needed, but I have to know, what is a little girl like you doing in a place like this?". The question took me back, I didn't know what to tell him. 'Yeah today I left my best friend to go to this stupid town where they kicked me out before I could even get two feet in and then had a mental breakdown on the way over here' in my head I cringed. I guess I could tell him what I told Rei, "I'm looking for a new me", he snorted and shook his head, "well if you're looking for that, you're not gonna find it in a bar, especially this one". I smiled up at him, trying to contain my giggles, "well you know what they say, leave no stone unturned", to which he replied with a hardy laugh, "that may be true, though if you're looking for a new you, you should start with avoiding places like these. These types of places will bring you nothing but misery. I know, I own one. Seen it happen a dozen times." I smiled again, this nosy old mans concern made me feel real warmth inside, stronger than that of the artificial substance that I had just consumed, "I don't plan on making this a habit, actually I really don't have a taste for the stuff.", I looked away from his earnest eyes, "though sometimes, every now and then everyone needs a little liquid courage.". He sighed at that, "Ahh, I see. You're not trying to find a new person at the end of a bottle, you're just trying to work up the nerve to be one." I nodded at that, and took another drink, "So where are you headed too?". I could have laughed at that, and I almost did, though just settled with shrugging my shoulders, "your guess is as good as mine, old man." He stared into my eyes, it was unnerving, having someone dissect you with just their eyes, though his held a different quality to them. He wasn't just looking at me, but at who I was and who I wanted to be as well. "Nowhere to go, nothing to be, just trying to find a new me." he replied with a knowing look, a look I knew was beyond my years. One that read of understanding and something else I couldn't quite get my head wrapped around yet, and could only say "Well when you put it like that…" then the door opened again, and It was as though somebody had flipped a switch, all of a sudden nobody was talking anymore. I could hear the guy on the other side of me breathing, that's how quiet it was. Though the two strangers didn't seem to mind in the least, they kept their causal place and strolled to the table where the blond guy was. That's when I noticed, they all had the same matching cloak on, black with red clouds. Although these two that had just come in had a dangerous quality about them, something wasn't right. Based on their appearance alone they were questionable, I mean one was a giant blue shark guy and the other was a guy who looked like he hadn't had a good night's rest in weeks. Poor thing, though I didn't feel that much pity, it was as if I was standing in front of a hungry tiger, my body had froze and I didn't know what to do with myself. I was torn between making a dash for the door or jumping behind the counter, and honestly I think that's what everyone else had in mind too. After the shark guy had secured both him and his buddy two seats straight out from under two other guys, who after falling to the floor made a beeline for the door, they both took seats at the round table that their friends had secured before them. Then after taking some time to get settle in his seat, the shark guy took a long slow glance at the entire expanse of the room, as if telepathically communicating with every individual in there. And taking their cue, everybody stood up and made their way to the door, and just like that it was empty. I looked to my left and right, both men who had been there before were now nowhere to be seen, and I was left in the open. Slowly the bartender came around, and I hadn't realized from behind the counter that he was actually a lot older from the face down, and a lot shorter. He looked so frail trying carry all those cups in both his hands, and before he could drop one I ran over to help him. He gave me a thankful smile at first, that slowly melted into a look of horror as he kept bobbing his eye from me to the group on him on the other side of the room. "Miss, you have to leave!" he wheezed out. Well, looks like lighting can strike in twice, I thought with a deadpan look. I opened my mouth to let him know I was on my way out, but before I could I was interrupted, "Yo, Miroku, who's this?" I looked over to the shark guy again and saw that he was looking at the old man pointedly and nodded in my direction, waiting for his response. "Ugh- oh-uh…" the old man stammered, desperately looking for an answer to give the shark guy. Gone was the confident wise elder who I had been talking to just a few seconds ago, so I spoke up. What better a time to start being a better person than now? "I'm just helping out", his yellow eyes snapped to me, and for a second I felt like I was in the middle of the ocean, and I could see a that ominous fin racing towards me, ready to drag me under that deadly water. He rose an eyebrow, "Oh? So you finally took my advice and hired on some help, huh?" and before I could correct him, I was yet again interrupted, though this time by the old man, "Y-yes, I thought it would be a good fit, since she's from from far off a such…" I looked to the old man, and his gaze held mine, his look stern, as if daring me to question him. I knew something more was going on here besides just two men having a conversation, so I played along. Those sharp yellow eyes had zipped back to me again, "Is that so?". He gave me a once over, and I could tell he was about to ask me a question, but apparently it was his turn to get interrupted, "This isn't the time for chit chat, Kisame, let's get on with this! I don't want to be here all night", oh, so the blond on was definitely a boy, his voice being very much so masculine. The shark guy gave the blond guy an annoyed look, but then turned his attention back to me, "I'll see you tomorrow then". What just happened? I looked to the old guy, who had gone back to picking up dishes, so I joined. I mean, apparently I work here now so I guess. Just what did I just get myself thrown into?
