Chapter 4
Love is awful.
Why would anyone want to fall in love? Why is it so necessary to have love in acting? She was doing fine acting without it this past year. Besides, it's not like the actors love their fans. There were all nameless blurred faces in a crowd. All throwing their love at someone they don't even know without any hope of ever getting anything in return. She knew that feeling all to well. Her love with Sho was one sided, and now her love with Ren was one sided. Was this the love that President Takarada wanted her to regain?
Kyoko thought she learned her lesson with Sho. Don't love, just spare myself the pain of it. Now she knew the truth of her lesson, love never left her. Doubt, anxiety, and resentment just intertwined with it. Kyoko made her way home, the path there was unremarkable. She retreated into the sanctuary of her room and collapsed on the floor, huddling against the door.
It was over before it even began. Kyoko wanted to rant and scream at someone, but she only had herself to blame. Neither man asked for her love. Neither did anything special with her or treated her any differently from other woman. They were just apart of her life like Maria was or the Daruma-ya couple. It was her brainless heart that decided to fall in love with them. She can't be angry at them if they never wanted her love to begin with.
Kyoko's eyes went lifeless as she thought it through. It's my fault. As usual I'm the one with the problem. Maybe there was something inside that she can't see, something wrong with her that made men not capable of loving her.
What if I turned gay? Moko-san is really pretty.
Kyoko's lip quivered and slowly spread into a smile, and then she laughed. She would probably still have the same problem. She pulled herself off the floor and walked over to her shelf, to put her purse away. Her eyes lingered at the rose she got from Ren. The queen was perfectly preserved in its elaborate vase. Her fingertips gently ran down the holding cell, and she had to fight herself from throwing it on the floor. Kyoko knew she would hate herself later if she did that.
She sighed and forced her eyes away only to land on another picture. It was of her and the Ishibashis after the show. Kyoko thought she looked horrible in it, forced to take a picture after sweating in the Bo suit for an hour and a half. No one seemed to mind, the three of them huddling around her, grinning like idiots. She smiled softly and lifted the picture, her mind focusing on a certain man in it.
Hikaru likes me.
She stepped back and sat before her little table. She set the picture frame down in the middle and rested her chin on her forearms. She stared at it, at him. He looked like his normal self, smiling brightly with laughter in his eyes. He had his arm around Shinichi but hovered around Kyoko more than the other two Ishibashis. She let her mind wonder at the thought of him.
Should I go to dinner with him? That would be a date, my first date. What would Ren say?
Kyoko shook her head. It didn't matter what Ren thinks or says. She was her own person. If he was taking models home then she could go on a date with Hikaru. It would be such a switch to be with someone who actually liked her instead of the other way around. Not that she didn't like him, it just never occurred to her to like him in that way.
Could she do it? Most people dated to see if there are real feelings between them so why couldn't she? There was no law carved in stone saying a person had to be in love in order to date someone. She tried to put Hikaru into the dating section in her mind and found it difficult. He was like a big brother to her.
This is the first person to ever like you, Kyoko.
She smiled. Kyoko really liked the thought of that, someone out there wanting to be with her just as much as she wanted to be with Ren. Her smile wilted as she thought of him again. Her phone rang, making her jump in shock. Kyoko quickly looked around the room and remembered that it was still in her purse. She got up and answered her phone without looking at the Caller ID.
"Hello?"
"Hi, how are you?"
Kyoko's heart slammed into her chest as Ren's voice filled her ear. She licked her lips not knowing what to do, what to say. She missed him so much. The silence was starting to get too long so she quickly answered, "Good. You?"
"I'm doing well. I finished my day and heading home. I called to ask you something," his voice paused as if he was trying to find the words.
"What can I help you with?" She answered immediately. Kyoko could feel her body wanting to move, getting ready to leave and meet him at his apartment.
"Did you come by my set today? I thought I saw you there, but I wasn't able to catch you before you left," Ren asked confused.
Kyoko gnawed on her lower lip and lied, "Nope. I did Box-R today, checked into some things and went home." There was a pause on the phone, and Kyoko was worried he didn't believe her.
"Oh, hmm, okay then," Ren sounded disappointed it, but surely that was just her imagination. "Did you find whatever you were looking into?"
Kyoko's brow furrowed thinking about his question. She was checking up on him, so technically yes. The results weren't what she wanted, but she found her answer. He treated her like everyone else. She was a simple kohai to him, giving her treats in the form of smiles and disciplining her when necessary.
"Sort of," she finally answered, "I got an answer but I don't like it."
"What is it? Is there anything I can do to help?"
Tell me you love me. Kyoko smiled at her betraying thoughts. She smiled softly into the phone. "No, it isn't something that can change. I just have to deal with it."
"You don't sound very happy about it," he replied.
Kyoko laughed softly. "I'm not," she confessed, "but I can't do anything about it. I promise I'll be fine." She sighed. "You shouldn't worry about your kohai. You should be thinking about what to eat for dinner."
Ren laughed, "Yes, ma'am. I promise I'll have a nutritious dinner, though it won't be nearly as good as the meal I'm going to have with Setsu tomorrow."
She felt her heart swell at the thought of seeing him again, at spending some real time together just the two of them. She smiled a bright, genuine smile, "I'll probably end up cooking again. A restaurant will beat that any day of the week."
"I disagree completely. I love your cooking, nothing can compare," he admitted. She could hear how sincere he was, but the sweet comment made her want to cry. Why couldn't he say something like that about her, rather than her skills in the kitchen? Was she destined to be the little housewife to someone who didn't love her? Maybe that was the best she could hope for.
"I'm happy you enjoy it so much," she said trying not to let her voice betray her thoughts. "I'll cook you up something special tomorrow. Anything you want, we can shop for it after we get into character."
She could hear him smile. "You know I don't care what you make. Everything is tasty," Ren declared. Kyoko shut her eyes tightly, fighting herself, her emotions.
"Well the offer is on the table, if you do think of something. I'll see you tomorrow," she said, trying to end the conversation. She needed to leave, to end the call before he caught on that she was not alright. Nothing was alright anymore.
"Yes, I'll see you tomorrow night," his voice was soft, endearing, "Goodnight, Mogami-san."
Kyoko swallowed a lump in her throat and licked her lips before speaking, "Goodnight, Tsuruga-san." Her thumb rammed down on the end call button and Kyoko let out a strangled cry. She curled up into a little ball, wrapping her arms around herself, trying to keep herself from bursting out of control. After what felt like hours, she relaxed, her body falling to the side, her mind tired from all the stress.
"Why couldn't it be mutual," she whispered into the room. It was still rather early, but she was fighting to keep her eyes open. It was dark outside so why bother staying up. Kyoko pushed herself up on her hands and knees and crawled towards the little table. She went to her knees and lifted the picture that was still sitting there.
Kyoko looked over the picture once more and something inside of her clicked. She realized what she was doing to poor Hikaru. He was in the same boat she was in, forced to live in a one-sided love. Every week, he had to endure seeing her, taking his heart out and letting her rip it apart every time she unknowingly rejected him. She hated this heart wrenching feeling, and if she could help her friend overcome that then she will do whatever she can. She didn't know how she felt about him, but everyone deserves a chance or at least some real closure.
