Author's Note: Something different I want to try…. I'm not really sure it belongs in this collection, but it does involve interaction between a Ra'zac and a human so…?

I think it starts off rather ambiguously. Sorry about that. I just wanted to try something.


Quote Pulling:

Hearts

"Hearts? I am a champion of the people and have for more hearts than he!" Eragon exclaimed haughtily.

Hissing in exasperation, pain, and contempt the Ra'zac dropped his head into his hands. Here he was trying to aid this self-righteous brat in his quest to rid the land of Gabatorix's crazed rule, putting his life on the line to do so, and his effort? Rewarded with a response lacking the intelligence of a rock.

He supposed it was a small comfort that he'd be joining his sister momentarily so he wouldn't live to see the mistake he may have just made-perhaps- if this Shadeslayer was the future of the riders, Alagaesia was safer in Galbatorix's insane hands. At least Galbatorix had more intelligence than a rock. But still he had more hearts, and that's where the beginning of Eragon's troubles lie.

xxx

And indeed many miles to the west in his mighty palace in Uru-baen, Galbatorix sat at a round table in a posh chair. "Ah Murtagh, isn't this game so delightful?"

Across from him Murtagh looked up over the cards clenched in his fingers. Playing cards with a man who constantly tried to break into his mind to see his hand was anything other than delightful. It felt like razors cutting onto his scalp. Actually, getting his head cut open with a razor might have felt better.

"And I win!" Galbatorix threw down his cards, and Murtagh froze.

"Sire the object of the game Hearts to give your hearts to your opponents. The man with the fewest wins-"

"Really? I don't remember them mentioning that at the academy."

"Yes, but that was for dragon-hearts. Eldunari-"

"Ah, but these are dragon cards! See the dragons printed on the back of them! Let that run rings around you logic."

A long silence reeled out between them, followed by loud a whump and the sound of cards fluttering to the stone floor.

With his head ringing from its deliberate collision with the oaken table surface, Murtagh scowled. There really was no arguing with the man.

"Care for another round?" Galbatorix's voice slithered through the pounding in his ears.

"Yeah,sure." Only if I can stab myself in the head first….

Galbatorix gathered the cards from the table. He was impressed by Murtagh's tenacity, but even still the son of his former colleague could not defeat him, for he would always end up with all the hearts.

XxX

"So… he's found a True Name…of hearts?"

Aghast the Ra'zac stared, all coherent thought stripped from his mind. What the-what sort of question was that?

"I thought that was just a card game." Eragon frowned at the cave floor. Stymied, the Ra'zac chittered hopelessly. "I sssaid he had more fucking heartsss than you. And that he had found the, true name. Two ssseparate sentencesss with no relation to each other."

"Ah yes, that makes sense. So what does the true name belong to? Me? You? Saphira?"

The Ra'zac shook his head. "No, definitely no, and yesss-but no."

"The true name of… of what? Not cards…."

"Lingo? I variety of Verbal Communication? Various idiomsss that thrown together by the muscle inside a person'sss mouth?! Not fucking cardsss"

"You mean the Ancient Language?" Eragon drummed his fingers on his staff.

Finally! The idiot had figured it out!

"Yeah, um I don't think there's a card deck in the world loaded enough to defeat this guy. Thanks though, I guess. I'll honour our pact. You will remembered forever."

The Ra'zac paled with a coldness that hadn't been there before.

"On sssecond thought forget it."

Taken aback the Rider tilted his head. "You sure?"

"I'd jussst like to die now, if that'sss alright with you."


Basically I took a line from the books and wrote a parody about it. Unfortunately I don't own the third book, and I'm nbot sure where my notes are... but I put that quote up at top.

If there's a specific quote someone wants to see spoofed, PM me and I'll see what I can do.