Red vs. Blue...vs. Green
Story Three: Cheat Code
Chapter Four: Facepalm
Welcome to the last chapter of Story Three! So far, this has been my favourite to write. Chapter Four really opens up the loose ends of the three stories to drive into the fourth story, but more about that later. You've got some readin' to do. Enjoy!
"That was a momentous waste of time!" bitched Enemy. "We come up with a plan and just like that everything goes to hell! It's such a cheat that that guy gets to keep himself alive and he doesn't even tell us!"
"It was kinda obvious though." Said Phill.
"Yeah, kinda obvious when you think about it."
"I think the plan worked perfectly." Said The Commander. "Nice work, Name."
"What? He failed! Your plan was a total fucking bust! You must be good at squat, because that's what the hell your plan turned out to be!"
"Name and I made a deviation from the plan. You remember how you said it was obvious that he'd use the cheats for himself?"
"Yeah."
"We kinda figured that and decided that instead of temporarily having him dead, we'd up the ante so to speak."
"What does that mean?" asked Phill.
"It's the opposite of upping your uncle, right?" asked Parts.
"What? No! No, that's not what that means at all!"
"Are you calling my uncle a liar?"
"Name," continued The Commander, "would you like to explain."
Name stood there. He didn't want to acknowledge with any type of signal, express with any part of his body or attack them with anything in his arsenal just so they would have the satisfaction of getting to him. Although the urge was very strong.
In an alternate universe somewhere, Name walked out of the cave, made friends with ShitFace, got him to remove the Respawn and killed everyone. When he was airlifted back home he was awarded the Medal of Honour, Medal of Valour and Medal of World Liberation for getting rid of such appallingly bad soldiers which, statistics claimed, would be responsible for half the army's casualties. Unfortunately, our Name never thought of this eventuality and so the events never took place.
"Okay then, I'll explain." Said The Commander. "When I figured this out, I told Name that after he killed ShitFace, scan the armour and steal the codes thereby buying ourselves some assistance and leverage for blackmail. In our hands, it's a nuisance, but if accidentally broadcast to the whole sentient universe it'll be a bitch."
"Wow, that's actually a very good idea." Wooed Enemy. "Did you have a brain transplant recently that I wasn't told about?"
"Phht! This is ridiculous!" exclaimed Phill annoyingly. "He isn't using 'cheat codes', that's impossible!"
"Then how else do you explain what's going on here? Divine intervention? I doubt God would be so kind as to bring you back to life in the exact same place that makes you want to kill yourself."
"He's probably got some kind of cloning laboratory or a healing device or a physical time reversal machine."
"Time reversal? Don't make me spit." Argued The Commander. "Time travel isn't possible and if it were, there's be so many copies of us that the paradox created by them would swallow the galaxy whole. But at least that means there will be no more New Jersey."
"Parts, back me up on this would ya." Pleased Phill. "You don't believe this crap."
"Meh, I'm easier than a one dollar male hooker."
"You mean female, right?"
"Hmm? Sure, if you're into that kinda stuff which I am totally not. Damn, I miss home."
"Remind me never to ask for help again."
The Commander continued explaining things; "Name faxed me the codes he stole-"
"That doesn't seem physically possible."
"-and I picked out what I thought would be the best one for our cause: invincibility. Can't die, can't get hurt, can't hurt you guys but sacrifices have to be made I guess. Just don't tell Snot when he gets here; if he finds out that none of us can't come close to death then he'll just complain. I don't think even codes can stand up to that."
"This whole invincibility thing just seems insane. It's the kind of plot in a story that removes the drama and the jeopardy from the situation and I mean, what kind of idiot would write that in?"
"You read my FanFiction, didn't you?" asked Parts.
"Parts, what would you say if I said 'two girls, one cup'?"
"No idea what that even is."
"...Okay, slight edit; 'two guys, one cup'."
"Quit stealing my plots you copywriting bastard!"
"Quiet!" shouted Enemy. "Just relax, we'll get out of this soon and then we'll be on our way home. Just don't tell Snot about the invincibility cheat codes and how we can't die or get hurt."
"What's this about an invincibility cheat code that stops us from dying and getting hurt?" asked Snot who had silently snuck up behind them like a ninja wearing bunny slippers.
"Nothing!" exclaimed the squad.
"I will accept your surprised yelps to divert my attention away from your previous conversation acceptable." He said. "What's new?"
"Nothing much." Said The Commander. "So, didn't kill y-"
"No. No he did not. Fed me more of his 'we're part of a game' shiz which I didn't buy for a second."
"Thank you!" yelled Phill.
"Commander, how long until the cheat is operational?" whispered Enemy.
"It shouldn't take too long now; I started uploading it three hours ago and the hourglass is still turning so-"
"Wait, three hours? What kind of operating system is your armour running?"
"Windows '98. I know it's a little slow, but I like the layout of Word better than the newer versions."
"That isn't slow, it's old. Mine is so much more advanced, like right now, it's telling me that an intruder has just entered the cave behind me and is pointing double machine guns at me. Why does this sound so familiar?"
"Die bastards!" roared ShitFace. Faster than light was too slow for the Greens to run, so they made it look lazy. Bursting from the cave amidst a shit storm of shrapnel and rock chips, they scampered down the incline, tripping and sliding as ShitFace continued his assault.
"How the hell longer 'til those things kick in?" asked Phill as he stumbled down the slope.
"Just a few more seconds!" responded The Commander, attempting to keep his footing. "No!"
"What?"
"Not you!" shouted The Commander. "No, I do not want to run an anti-virus scan! I don't care if Norton says so; he's not wearing my armour! Get that paper clip the fuck off my visor!"
ShitFace blew his way out of the cave, firing clip after clip at the fleeing soldiers. Half of them managed to take cover behind the rocks.
"How the hell is he still shooting?" asked Enemy out loud, enough for ShitFace to overhear him.
"My weapons never run out of ammunition." He proclaimed, obligingly answering Enemy. "They each have a small factory inside where tiny people manufacture bullets out of thin air."
The Commander leapt in the air, shouting; "I bloody knew it! Prove me the hell wrong now!"
Snot left his rock behind, charging at ShitFace. "This is my chance!" he shouted. "You can't ignore an attacking soldier, can you? Come and kill me!"
"Snot, no!" called Parts. "You've got so much to live...for?"
"You wanna die?" asked ShitFace. "You really wanna die? Then so be it." ShitFace aimed his twin machine guns at Snot.
"Goddamn it! I hate you sons of bitches! The one time! The one fucking time and you've gone and done this crap! Can't a guy catch a break? I am gonna nag you all until the end of freaking time now! Wanna stop me? You can't! I'm immortal!"
"You're a piece of work, you know that?" said The Commander, turning to Phill.
"What the hell did I do?"
"All that time in the cave; 'I don't believe in codes', 'these guys don't know what they're talking about'. But as soon as you set foot in the line of fire, you're all; 'get those codes running', 'hurry up with them codes'. Why don't you figure out which bowl you're shitting in 'cos if you're gonna be swapping sides and flipping stories all the goddamn day long, I ain't picking you up and choosing for ya." The Commander stormed into Blue base, Name right behind.
Name was confused; he had to admit it to himself. He was also very scared. Sure, he couldn't die, but after finding out your life is just part of some sort of artificial form of entertainment, he couldn't help but wonder if his own life was being played with.
"Don't mind him." Assured Parts. "He is under a lot of stress and I'm sure he'll come out of his rut sooner or later. Maybe I can entice him with a nice full body massage." Parts followed The Commander into Blue base. Enemy put his hand on Phill's shoulder.
"Dude, we've been friends in this, right?" he asked.
"I guess. We've kinda been the closest ones here."
"Please! You ain't seen close until you've caught Parts with his parts showing and him slipping them to The Commander. You've got to understand; I didn't make my mind up on this overnight. Even if I wanted to for obvious reasons. Just look around you at everything that's been going on. All this crap we've had to fight our way through, so many things we can't explain and a lot of things I don't wanna know. You just need to ask that one question we've all been thinking; why are we here?"
Phill nodded, then turned to Enemy; "I used to think I knew the answer to that question. I thought it was so clear to me that no one and nothing would take it away. Now that we are here, I can't help but wonder if everything I know is wrong. What if we're not here for Earth? What if ShitFace is right? What if The Commander really is the best Green Command had?"
"I think we all know the answer to that question. All of us."
"Most of all...where is Snot?"
"Please!" pleaded Snot. "You have to change it all back to the way it was! I don't want to be immortal! I don't want to live forever, and I'm sure you don't want us to live forever either!"
"You do make a good point."
"Then you agree? You see it my way?"
"Yes. But do I have your complete cooperation on this matter?"
"Absolutely. You have no idea how much I am willing to do for this."
"Then deliver the message to your team. I shall meet you in the canyon later today. All codes will be wiped from the system; there will be no unlimited ammunition, no invincibility, no respawn. From this moment on, we are all at the mercy of each other and there is nothing we can do to stop that. Go now, before I decide to kill you first."
Snot didn't move.
"I realise now that that probably wasn't the best incentive to get you to leave. Okay, leave now or I shall spare your life."
"Gone." And Snot ran out of Red base, leaving ShitFace to his faculties.
"I had better call in some friends, hadn't I?"
"You did what?" shouted The Commander, holding Snot up against the wall.
"I made a deal with ShitFace to remove all cheats so that we could all die. It seemed like the thing you guys all wanted."
"No Snot! That's the thing you want!" yelled Phill.
"I thought you would all want to go out fighting with pride!"
"No!" shouted The Commander, Phill, Enemy and Parts.
Name shook his head.
"What did you guys have in mind?"
"Blackmail." Said The Commander. "We have his cheats. So he lets us live in exchange for us not releasing them to the whole Universe so they can use them."
"That's boring, and more over, it doesn't help me."
"We realise that! That's why we didn't tell you! Now you've gone and ruined the whole goddamn plan and we're all gonna die!"
"But now that he doesn't have any cheats on his side, we've got a better chance against him."
"Snot, did your mom play basketball with you as the ball when you were a baby or were you born this brain-dead?" asked Enemy rhetorically.
"That's rhetorical, right?" asked Snot.
"Yes."
"Good, 'cos I was about to answer that."
"Ugh! Snot! There is nothing stopping him calling in reinforcements! He did it before and he'd be an idiot not to do it now!"
"Can't we call in reinforcements too?"
"Hello!" roared a crazed Phill. "What freaking army do you serve in? When the hell has Command ever, and I mean ever sent anything our way that could remotely constitute as help in any way in the broadest possible sense?"
"..."
"Guys, can I say something?" asked Parts. "You all just seemed to have a lot of great arguments against Snot; I just wanted to get in on it. Ahem! You are a lousy tennis player and I want a second opinion on that last call! The ball was definitely out! There, that's it. Thank you for listening." Parts sat back down, stared at by the rest of the squad.
"Name? Got anything to add?" asked The Commander.
Name shook his fist angrily at Snot.
"Well spoken." Complimented The Commander. "Well, there's no point in fighting over it now. We've gotten what we wanted; a chance to kill that son bitch in regular untainted and un-boring combat. I mean, seriously? Cheats take all the fun out of games, kinda like when they removed the explosions from Grifball. Who needs auto-aim? Who needs your invincibility, your super speed, invisibility and unlimited ammo? I prefer a good old fashioned fight because it reminds me of why I'm here. I'm here because I can be me and I'm damn sure you guys are here for that same reason."
"That was a great speech sir." Complimented Parts.
"A wise man once told me never to take compliments from someone below or equal to me, only above."
"Was that a compliment or an insult?" asked Phill who never received and answer.
"Except that you said 'invincibility' twice." Parts continued.
"No I didn't. I said invincibility and invisibility." Argued The Commander.
"Sounds the same to me."
"Look, they're two different things; invincibility is not getting hurt or dying, invisibility is not being seen."
"I'm still not following you."
"Come on, let's go die."
ShitFace stood proudly in the exact centre of the canyon. Soon it would all be over, one way or another. Well, more likely his way than the other. I mean, if the last couple of hours were anything to go by, this would all be a piece of cake. The Greens couldn't fight off hunger let alone another person, so he'd be done scraping them off his armour and logged off in time for Cheerios. Ooh, Cheerios! He'd completely forgotten he had them in the pantry. They tasted so good it only made him want to kill the Greens even quicker. Where the hell were they? "Stool face! Stool face!" crooned a familiarly gruff voice from the cliff top.
"Hey, that's Shit to you! Wait..."
"We had a deal I hear; I expect you've honoured it."
"Yes I have. The cheats are off. I'm a little short-handed on vehicles though, the jeep isn't completely repaired so I won't be able to use it during this fight. I really screwed that puppy up bad."
"That's fine, tank is still busted. Got a fire we can't put out. You got any advice for that?"
"Hmm. Have you tried shooting it? Always seems to do the job for me."
"Well, enough of this teatime banter!" asserted The Commander. "Its high noon and I say it's about time we had ourselves a fight."
"I'm glad you decided to encounter me honourably and fairly."
"Who said anything about fair?" The Commander took a deep breath then shouted; "Attack!"
"Wait, was that a rhetorical question?" asked ShitFace. He quickly disbanded that train of thought when he noticed the six Green soldiers closing in from every direction. He cracked his knuckles, stretched his neck and performed a couple of lunges. This would be all too easy.
Snot stopped away from where the action was taking place. He wanted to be somewhere where he would get killed but without all the pain and torture of the minutes getting beaten up beforehand. Choosing a prime position where he figured a lot of fire would end up; he stood there waiting to be accidentally shot. "Okay, I can feel it in my fingers; I feel it in my toes. Someone just shoot me now. Anyone." He waited for a moment, and then BOOM! He opened his eyes to see that The Commander had misfired one of his rockets, but it had just missed Snot. "Damn it." he cursed, then moved over to where the rocket had struck. "There we-" Another rocket misfired and hit the place where Snot had been standing. "Damn it!" he cursed again. This time, he moved over to unscathed ground close by where the fire had been concentrated. "This time-" Another rocket fired and hit in the first crater where Snot had just been standing. "Son of a bitch! You're all doing this on purpose, aren't you?"
"Yes!" the rest shouted back, including ShitFace.
The fight had been going smoothly so far for both sides; no one had died or been injured which was a good average. ShitFace knocked Name and Phill away from him as they charged. Then Parts decided it was his chance, so he jumped in front of ShitFace and began slapping him continuously on the face. This didn't really hurt. Then he started slapping ShitFace on the chest which hurt even less. Then Parts started, what felt like, massaging his chest, which really hurt ShitFace's ego so he kicked Parts in the groin. "There goes the baby maker." Squeaked Parts as he fell to the ground.
ShitFace was then kicked to the ground by none other than the silent warrior of the Greens; Name. Pissed and unbelievably furious, Name was ready to die today. He went to stamp on ShitFace's helmet, but ShitFace blocked the blow, twisting Name's foot and flipping him over.
Suddenly, The Commander's silhouette appeared over ShitFace with a fist ready to break his nose. Rolling away just in time, ShitFace kicked The Commander's arm, almost snapping it but sending him rolling downhill. Enemy swung left and right at ShitFace who narrowly avoided every blow. A rock pelted him in the head and he glanced Snot throwing them from afar. While ShitFace was distracted with the combined forces of Enemy and Snot, Phill knocked him in the helmet with The Commander's rocket launcher. Sparks flew from the armour, but ShitFace was quick to respond; grabbing the striking end of the rocket launcher and swinging it around with Phill still attached. Phill's legs whipped dangerously through the end, kicking Enemy away. He was then launched into the air where he collided with Snot. Name and The Commander were about to attack when suddenly; "Everybody stop!" shouted ShitFace.
"So, you've had enough, have you?" taunted The Commander. "I knew it. Only Greens could be this consistently annoying."
"No, that last blow to my helmet started malfunctioning my drives. I'm not sure, but I think some of my codes could have been randomly accidentally activated."
"Which ones?" asked Enemy.
"I don't know, I guess we'll just have to wait and-See!" he screamed as the gravity was turned off. The seven people in the middle of the box canyon suddenly began falling towards the sky. They screamed and screamed before ShitFace made any sense out of it. "That was the anti-grav cheat!"
"No shit, Sherlock!" shouted Phill. "How the hell do we turn it off?"
"Bash my helmet! We can try and get it to swap to something a little less deadly!" And so one by one, they started hitting ShitFace in the head. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow!"
"Sorry." Apologised Enemy.
"Don't apologise to him! He's the bad guy!" ordered The Commander. "Do you apologise to every bad guy you kill?"
"At the moment, I'm apologising to the only bad guy I've ever fought."
"Ow. Ow. Ow. Who's the one hitting my arse?"
"I am not sorry." Said Parts.
"Ow!" ShitFace's helmet sparked again. "Yes! I think that..." They all noticed the lack of momentum they were now experiencing. "...worked."
"I've got a bad feeling about this." Said Enemy.
"I don't." Said Snot and they all began gaining downward momentum, screaming just as loudly.
"Great! Instead of dying from space suffocation, we're gonna die from falling!" bitched Phill.
"Dude, there's no point in putting 'space' in front of a widely used term for the purposes of saying it's in space!" complained Enemy. "It's just unnecessary because it's all the same kind of suffocation: you don't get oxygen! Saying 'space' just makes you sound stupid!"
"Oh, and what do you call water suffocation then?"
"Uh...drowning!"
"...Touché."
"Brace for impact!" shouted The Commander.
"Brace what?"asked ShitFace.
"I don't know. Whatever you can find!"
"I'm bracing something." Inflected Parts slyly. The ground grew in size as they closed in. Falling back into Blood Gulch, they all closed their eyes and awaited their deaths.
"I didn't realise the ground was so soft." Said The Commander.
"No wonder I've failed killing myself all these years." Moaned Snot. "Even the ground is working against me."
"This must be the graphics softener code." Informed ShitFace. "The ground broke our fall."
"Duh." Said Enemy. "It really is bouncy."
They all stared at each other, then the Greens turned to ShitFace. "Get him!" ordered The Commander. Jumping at ShitFace, the Greens continued their attack. ShitFace jumped out of their way, rolling to safety. They charged once more, but ShitFace slammed the ground with his fist sending a ripple across the canyon and tripping up the squad. The Commander rode the wave down and tackled ShitFace. As the waves collided with the canyon walls, larger waves were reflected back across causing an ocean-like effect. ShitFace was carried away by one of the waves, The Commander by another. Phill bumped into ShitFace who punched him square in the face.
"Argh! Son of a bitch! What is it with you guys and my face?" ShitFace grabbed him by the throat and began choking him. Enemy barrelled down the wave and toppled ShitFace. He and Phill were ready to take him down, but ShitFace belly flopped on the wave between them, causing it to knock them both away. ShitFace was picked up by another wave, but he steadied himself atop the apex. Heading straight for him was another wave of equal size and standing on it was Name. They stared each other down as their waves smashed into each other, sending them flying through the air at each other. They grabbed each other in mid air and struggled until they hit the familiarly hard ground. They both looked up to see that the waves had disappeared and the rest of Green squad spread out around the canyon.
"That was so much fun!" exclaimed Parts, clapping. "Can we do that again? Please! Please!"
"No!" shouted The Commander. "Go and steal some ammo from Red base."
"Sure thing, sir." Parts began skipping towards Red base.
"Snot. Snot! You go with him!"
"I don't think I will." Said Snot. "Now that the ground is hard again, I have half a mind to fling myself off a cliff. Good d-Argh! Argh!" he screamed in pain as his head inflated.
"What the hell is that? And, moreover, is it contagious?" asked Enemy.
"Big Head code." Said ShitFace.
"And what's th-Argh!" screamed Enemy as his head inflated. Phill chuckled at him.
"You look ridic-Owiee!" he screamed as his head inflated also.
"Did you wanna continue on with your sentence?" asked Enemy.
"No. No, I'm good."
Name's head inflated, followed by ShitFace and The Commander's. Everyone stumbled around, falling over because of the weight of their massive craniums. The Commander and ShitFace attempted to fight each other, but neither one could reach the other their heads were so big.
"Parts!" called The Commander! "Has your head expanded?"
"Uh..." thought Parts. "You mean the one on my shoulders?"
"Yeah!"
"Then no."
Noises of disgust issued from everyone else. "I did not need to know that." Said ShitFace.
"After a couple of months, you get used to him. But we all know that is actually a complete lie. So...how long are we stuck like this?" asked The Commander and got his answer almost immediately when everyone's head deflated back to regular size. "Well, that wasn't so bad." Said The Commander. "Hey! Where's ShitFace? Why has he turned into a flash bang grenade? Oh jeez." Flash! BANG!
"Ammo. Ammo. Ammo. Ammo. Why is there only a big purple plane?" asked Parts as he searched through Red base. "Oh well, I guess I have nothing else to do but finish this sentence without somebody discovering me in here and trying to attack-" Just then ShitFace discovered Parts in Red base and tried to attack him.
"You shouldn't have come in here!" he roared, swinging a punch at Parts. Parts ducked out of the way. "Stealing is a very bad thing to do!" ShitFace kicked him back into the Banshee. "And I have every right to kick your arse!" ShitFace formed a fist and sent it directly at Part's head. Parts wished he could take a step back, so he did. Clang! "Argh! Mother f-" cursed ShitFace, biting his lip. "What the hell?" He was confused; Parts had walked through the Banshee. "I thought we agreed no codes!"
"But I'm not using a code!" claimed Parts. "I wouldn't even know how to use one!" ShitFace rounded on Parts who backed into the wall, then straight through the wall to the outside.
"Fine! If that's the way you wanna play it!" shouted ShitFace who ran straight at the wall, then straight into the wall. He fell to the ground, rolling in pain. "Goddamn it! What the hell is going on here?"
Parts didn't want to stick around to find out. He was already back to the rest of his squad by the time ShitFace got to his feet. "Guys! Something weird is going on here!"
"I never thought you'd figure it out." Said The Commander.
"What? No, I just walked through a wall but I wasn't using any codes and it couldn't have been ShitFace because he couldn't do it either."
"That's called luck. You shouldn't bitch about that sort of thing when it happens." Advised Enemy. "Just nod and accept it."
"YOU!" hollered ShitFace atop Red base. "I thought this could be an honourable battle and we could all face our fates respectively, but I see now that this was not part of the deal! If you can't be faithful to our agreement then I will ensure that when my allies bombard Blood Gulch from the sky! When they see my signal, a whole armarda will launch and drop enough explosives to blow this hole into one massive crater! I may be killed with you, but at least I will have the satisfaction of knowing that you all died with me!"
"...This place is already technically a crater." Said Phill. "Just saying."
"We need to do something now." Said Enemy. "Stop him signalling his allies."
"I know how he'll do it." said Parts. "He's got a Banshee in the hangar. I saw its insides when I walked through it; its set on autopilot and the self-destruct was online. He's gonna blow up the Banshee in mid flight like a flare."
"How long have we got?" asked Snot.
"Two inches. I mean minutes."
"Just had to slip that one in, didn't you?" sighed Enemy.
"I'm an expert at slipping one more in."
"Kill me now."
"Then there's nothing we can do to stop the Banshee from launching, but maybe..." thought The Commander. Suddenly, he turned around. "Hey Litter-Box-Mc-Crappy!" he shouted at ShitFace. "It just so happens that we have a code here that will transport us safely out of Blood Gulch! You wouldn't want us to do that, would you?" They heard ShitFace's growl of anger from where they were standing. The Commander turned to the rest of the squad. "Name, Enemy and I will keep him busy. Phill, I am relying on you, Parts and Snot to keep ShitFace and his Banshee in tow. Do you understand me?"
Phill thought for a moment; what was The Commander on ab-"I get you, sir."
Phill, Snot and Parts left Name, Enemy and The Commander to face off ShitFace who was advancing across the canyon towards them. "Do you have a plan to keep him busy that keeps us alive?" asked Enemy.
"Just fight as if your life depends on it." said The Commander. "And if that ain't the reason why we're here, then I don't know what is."
Crack! Phill snapped the tow reel off the Warthog. He, Snot and Parts scurried into Red base where they found the Banshee sitting in the hangar just like Parts said. "While Parts and I attach this to the Banshee, you take this and get it to the others." He told Snot.
"Why me?" asked Snot.
"Why not you? I just gave you an order and I expect you to obey it."
"But I mean, why me? Why do I have to suffer through all this torment and torture just to have nothing gained? When will I get a break and get what I deserve?"
"Snot, if there's one thing I have learned...it's never pass up an opportunity at revenge. This is your chance; take it or leave it."
Snot took the tow cable. "Yoink!"
The battle was not going too well; the Greens were almost exhausted and ShitFace's anger was giving him the extra strength to hold all three of them off at the same time. "We can't keep this up much longer, sir." Said Enemy after being thrown away.
"Imagine you're beating up a celebrity you hate, that keeps me going." Brushed off The Commander. He didn't want to admit it, but if Phill didn't finish up his end of the plan soon then they would all die for certain.
Name was doing the best with ShitFace; he had at least landed some punches. There was nothing more that he wanted than to see ShitFace gone for good; he couldn't stand the idea of one of his victims still living especially after his kind of career.
The Commander was knocked back once more, but this time, he found the rocket launcher he had been missing. Quickly loading it, he aimed straight at the two fighting soldiers and fired. The rocket fell short, only blowing Name and ShitFace closer to Red base. ShitFace landed on top of Name and pinned him down, punching him continuously. It was then that he noticed the three soldiers inside the hangar messing about with his ship. Punching Name once more, ShitFace stood and ran towards the base.
Snot saw him coming, and figured this was about as good a time as any to exact his revenge. He charged at ShitFace, holding the tow high in the sky. Unfortunately, it wasn't that long so Snot was pulled back to the ground when he ran out of line. ShitFace wasn't paying attention to Snot, he had to stop Phill and Parts screwing with the Banshee. Snot seized the opportunity as ShitFace walked by, he ties the tow around his leg. ShitFace saw him and picked him up by the neck. "You can't win. There is nothing you can do to stop the launch now!"
"Who said we wanted to stop the launch?" asked Snot. ShitFace noticed the line attached to his boot and that it was connected to the Banshee. His internal clock counted down 'Launch in 3...2...1...'
"Got it!" informed Parts just as the ship powered up.
"Get down!" shouted Phill, pushing Parts to the ground as the ship flew out of the hangar.
"Easy tiger."
"Oh, shut up!"
The Banshee began flying into the air. ShitFace knew he was done for. He turned to Snot one last time. "You will all still die."
"Fine by me." ShitFace was whipped away by the ship as it flew higher and higher into the sky carrying his screams with it.
"There goes the Albatross." Sighed a relieved Enemy.
"Okay, now I know you're wrong." Said The Commander. "It's not an Albatross, it's a Ban-" BANG! "...shee." Immediately, they all heard the rumbling and felt the vibration signalling the armada's approach. In this distance, hundreds of ships of different sorts made their way slowly over the horizon towards Blood Gulch. "Here they all come."
"Wow, his friends have everything; they've got Albatross' and Seagulls."
"What? Now this is just getting ridiculous. I admit, you were right about the Warthog, but that is not called an Albatross! It's a Banshee! And those 'Seagulls' are actually Pelicans! I mean, what do you call that smaller version of a Banshee that hovers?"
"The Poltergeist."
"Ghost! What about the Mongoose?"
"I don't know a Mongoose. All I know is that we have these things called Skunks that are-"
"Screw it all! I am ordering you not to name another vehicle as long as we are alive. This time."
Phill, Snot and Parts returned to the rest of the squad. "Nice job, Snot. You really are a soldier."
"Well, you know." Mumbled Snot. "Anything to keep us alive."
"Seriously?"
"Sure." He said through gritted teeth.
"This sucks." Complained Parts. "I don't wanna go out this way. I liked it better when I was crushed by the Banshee right here where that wire is."
"Yeah...wait, what?" They hadn't noticed before, but since that battle, a large grey wire had been poking out of the crater left behind from the impact. They stared at it, ignoring the ships headed their way.
"What is it?" asked Snot.
"It says something." Said Enemy, kneeling closer. "L.A.N. What does that mean?"
"No idea." Answered The Commander. "This could be part of that virtual world ShitFace was talking about. Maybe this is what is keeping us here."
"Don't start with that crap again!" complained Phill. "This isn't a videogame; this is real life where wires don't just appear out of nowhere. For all we know, this is what keeps us in contact with Command whom we can call to call of the bombing attack!"
"Command wouldn't do that. You know as well as I do that they couldn't give two licks of an envelope to send us away in the post and you expect them to stop a bombing run?"
"But for all we know, this wire could be our lifeline." Interrupted Enemy. "Cut it and we kill ourselves."
"I think we shouldn't touch it; take our chances in the caves." Said Phill.
"That would sentence us all to certain death!" shouted The Commander. "Cut it and live."
"Leave it!" shouted Enemy. They all began arguing amongst themselves, all the while the ships drew closer, almost directly above Blood Gulch. They were preparing to drop their payload. The fighting was about to turn violent, until...
BANG!
The Greens turned around. The wire was split open sending sparks flying. They looked up to see Name standing with his pistol drawn and recently fired. The way he figured; what's the worst that could happen?
And then, the universe stopped existing.
"Hello. My name is Sir."
"Hello?" said Phill groggily, awaking in the strange room.
"I am here to help you." Continued Sir.
"Where am I?"
"You and your squad are no longer in the universe."
"That's funny, I could swear I just heard you say we're not in the universe."
"That is correct."
"Where are you?" asked Phill.
"I am watching you."
"Where's my squad?"
"We're here." Said The Commander's voice. Phill turned to see his squad waking up around him. "It's true, the universe is gone and it's entirely our fault."
"Do not be discouraged, Commander." Said Sir.
"How'd the disembodied voice know my name?"
"I know much about you, many things that even you have forgotten. Now they are things you must be reminded of."
"What do you mean?" asked Phill.
"For a while, you have asked yourselves about the meaning of your existence; 'why you are here'. I am here to tell you why. I am here to answer your questions.
I am here to tell you everything."
The last chapter of Story Three, now onto Story Four. I had to rush through this one, as I will probably be doing so with the next story in fact. While I have enjoyed writing Red vs. Blue vs. Green, I have wanted to move onto other projects and am currently devising another story I am very much looking forward to writing for you. Until then, there are four more chapters that await you. Thanks for reading Cheat Code, and don't forget to review!
