4- The Ghost of Christmas yet to come

December 24th, 5am

It wasn't really like waking up, because it hadn't been really like dreaming. It had all been so vivid, so utterly real. And yet, it surprised her when she found herself curled up in her sofa, the TV still on on some shopping network. She was tired and irritable, her throat was sore and she felt terrible about what she'd heard from Booth. She felt shame which was something she hadn't felt for a very long time. She knew she wouldn't be able to sleep any more because her brain was in overdrive. Booth had told her to switch off her brain and put the heart in overdrive. She knew she hadn't really tried that. She knew she'd been too scared to do it. It scared her because it made her vulnerable. She had been so worried about that nervous flutter in her stomach every time he so much as called, so worried about the possibility that he might reciprocate in some way that indefinable emotion, that she had done everything to keep her distance. She did not want to get close just in case he might want the same, and then, if he did, just in case he might change his mind or regret or feel obligated or, or, or... her brain was in overdrive. It had multiplied the catastrophic scenarios ad nausea.

She tossed and turned on the sofa, trying to get comfortable. To no avail. She wanted to call it a night, get up and start her day but it was still dark outside, there was ice in the air and she felt like she had been hit by a train. While she debated whether to stay or go, there as a noise, someone clearing their throat. She looked around but did not immediately see anyone. Her heart jolted. She fully expected to see, the way her night was going, Buggs Bunny or some other animated character. If she was really unlucky, the Wicked Witch of the West. Or Elmer Fudd.

"Excuse me, Miss!" Brennan closed her eyes resolutely. No, she wanted no more. She was too tired.

"Go away! Whoever you are, go away."

"Well, I'm kind of stuck, you see... I haven't really done this before... Apparently, I need practice." Brennan looked around.

"I can't see you..."

"Just because you can't see me, doesn't mean I'm not here... Oh, very well," the manly voice sounded despondent. "Let me try again!" She heard some movement, a shifting of sorts, something that sounded like a grunting and fingers snapping. Then, with a whoosh, a 30 something year old, black and white James Stewart appeared sitting, legs dangling, sitting on top of the bookshelf to her right, smack between her art books and a shelf loaded with African artifacts. He gave her his trademark crooked smile. She couldn't help but smile back at him. At least it was not Elmer Fudd.

"You look straight out of 'It's a wonderful life'..."

"Well, there are several explanations for that: the rational, the magical, the sentimental and most certainly, the true one. But I don't really think it's important, do you?" Brennan nodded. Suddenly, her breath had hitched and her throat tightened impossibly. James Stewart hoped off his perch and walked to sit on the sofa next to where she was curling up. "I know you had a difficult night. Do you know the night is always darker before the sun rises?" He patted her hand companionably, which was weird because it felt like a pat from a grandfather when, in fact, the man standing before her- black and white though he might be, was still... wow, as Angela would put it. He smiled at her unuttered thought. "You are a very good looking girl yourself!" She smiled. She couldn't help but to.

"Are you going to take me to see something? You are, aren't you?" He nodded in assent, the easy smile a reassurance. "Well, I've traveled through my wardrobe, my fridge... I'm not entirely sure what's left as a portal, Mr Stewart..."

"Just call me Jimmy. I'll call you Temperance. Let's shake on it." And he held his large hand for her to touch. She wasn't really hoping for a tangible hand. She was hoping for her hand to go right through his. It did not. It was a very solid hand and a strong grip. Much like Booth's. "And now we're friends. Now, we have things to do, places to get to and people to see. Are you ready, Temperance?"

"No", but she sighed a smile, knowing it was going to happen whether she was ready and willing or kicking and screaming.

He scooted over in her sofa, held her hand and told to close her eyes.

"Just remember, whatever happens, that we make our own choices. And that you're not alone. You never were." She was going to argue. She was going to remind him of the years in foster care, of the years after she'd escaped that into dingy, old, lonely rooms , but he patted her hand once again.

"I know, I know. But you were never alone. And you've earned tonight." She wasn't entirely sure how that was about earning as much as it was deserving in the the punishment sense, but this was Jimmy Stewart and his eyes inspired trust.

"Close your eyes, Temperance"

***********

It wasn't like the two previous times. It was... serene. When she opened her eyes, tentatively at first, she was sitting in her office at the Jeffersonian. Nothing seemed to have changed much from what it was the previous night. She had a sudden outbreak of hope that she'd been dreaming the whole time, since she first saw Miss Piggy sitting in that very same sofa. But there were little details that were off. There was that massive pile of files on the pending tray that hadn't been there before. There were two more shelves full of artifacts and the general sense that whoever worked in that office was severely overworked. She looked around and Jimmy was nowhere to be found. So stood up and walked around the office. The screen saver was on and it still read the same Emc2. So she worked there. It was disturbing. Booth and her team had always made sure she did not take on too much. That as much work as possible could be cascaded down to her grad students or to her assistants.

A girl walked in, someone she had ever seen before and deposited a pile more of files on her pending tray. Brennan walked to the girl to ask who'd sent the files but when she spoke, the girl did not acknowledge her. Instead, she just stood there admiring the artifacts, not quite daring to touch them. Brennan moved forward and called out yet again. The girl did not stir, undisturbed in her contemplation of the pieces. Hodgins walked in and called out to the girl.

"What are you doing? She's asking for you."
"Already? I just dropped the files! And I hurried..."

"She just gets impatient. Don't take it personal."
"Everybody is always saying that. But quite frankly, I do. I don't like the tone. I admire the intelligence, the brain, but I don't like the person. She's snappish and never acknowledges something well done. Just the mistakes. She's supposed to be teaching."

"Don't tell me you're giving up... I expected more from you..." There was a sheepish smile from Hodgins. Brennan knew that look. It was the one Booth used whenever she wanted something from her. Hodgins had been catching up, it seemed.

"Dr. Hodgins... Hodgins," she corrected at his raised eyebrow, "I want to learn, not just... bask in the proximity of celebrity. She's not a good teacher. In fact, even as a person, I'm sure she lacks something. She strikes me as someone so unhappy that has no other outlet but to take it out on everybody else. And it's not just me either. It's everybody. Why else would Angela have left?"

"It's really not like that..."

"Oh? How is it then? Why more than 14 interns in less than six months? You know it's exactly how it is. Even to you. I don't know why you put up with it. You could be working somewhere else where you are appreciated, where your boss does not bully you on a daily basis. Instead, you stick around... I don't get it"

"Dr Brennan and I go back a ways.. If I were to leave... she'd..."
"Be completely alone? Yeah, she would. And you know what? It would be completely her fault. No one wants to work with someone like her. It's just not worth it... all the lab equipment, all the knowledge she accumulated, all the really cool requests no one else gets, like that Egyptian Mummy... man! There was a time I though I'd kill to work here... now, I just want to find a away to leave without screwing up my changes of getting another internship."

"I'm so sorry to hear that..."

"Yeah, well.. I'm sorry to say it too. And I'm sorry for her. She could have had it all. Now, she doesn't even have a life outside the lab..."

"It's hard to know what you lost..." Brennan wanted to ask what she'd lost. But no one acknowledged her presence. So she walked out, trying to find something she wasn't even sure what it was. She walked around the lab. She knew she wouldn't find Angela. From what the girl had said, Angela was one of the things she'd lost. The sense of shame she'd felt overhearing Booth talking to Sid overwhelmed her. How could she be failing all those she loved? Her cheeks burned as her throat tightened into a blind knot. I want to go home, get this over with. I'm not this person, am I? I'm not callous and mean. Sometimes I expect too much, but I'm not mean... She wondered through the empty lab. The usual buzzing of people in the lab had given way to the soft humming of fluorescent lights. Where is everybody? She walked into Limbo. She could always find some of her grad students there. But instead of students, she saw an older woman she instinctively recognized as herself. It was the same hunching over a pile of fragmented bones, the same hair tied in a pony tail, the same lab coat over the same slender frame. But there was something new she had never noticed about herself. Her shoulders were hunched down as if the weight of the whole world was on them. She walked around the examining table and looked at her own face, only slightly aged. She examined the person standing before her as she would a suspect or a victim on the autopsy table, with detachment and objectivity. There were radiating lines around the eyes that were not from smiling, vertical lines around the mouth that could only be attributed to the near permanent pursing of the lips and horizontal lines on the forehead signaling intense concentration for very long periods of time. When her older self got up to walk to a desk nearby, Brennan noticed how the shoulders did not regain levity, how her gait had lost spring, how she looked, globally, absolutely miserable. There was no warmth in that person. The warmth she had been able to expand since Booth had become her partner, the sweetness, the empathy that he managed to bring up in her because it had always been buried in her heart, seemed to have dried up, to be non existent. She wanted to feel sorry for that person she couldn't quite connect to, but was unable. That was the person the girl in her office had been talking about. Not her. Not the person she knew she was. That person would not have hurt Angela into leaving the lab, would not bully Hodgins into submission and though she may have done it sometimes unknowingly, would not ignore her students' needs for learning. If anything, she'd always been good at teaching- even if she wasn't the most personable teacher they' ever have. No, that could not be her. Booth would never let be like that without having a go at her, without calling her on it and, especially with Angela, he would have found a way of helping her, at least, apologize. And where's Booth in all of this, by the way? He wouldn't let anyone talk about me like this. He was her night in shining armor. He'd always been there for her. He never let her be sad around him.

"Dr Brennan?" Hodgins walked into Limbo, alone. No reply. The older Brennan was engrossed in the analysis of the bones. She didn't even look up. "Dr Brennan... Sally left." Again no reply though Brennan saw a flicker of recognition in her eyes. Yes, she'd heard Hodgins. And was ignoring him. Hodgins walked around the examination table and stopped at Brennan's side. "Dr Brennan... Temperance..." He held her by the shoulders and tried to turn her to him, tried to get her to pay attention. "Sally left. She doesn't work here anymore. She's gone. And she's good. You know she is. She just needs some guidance, some patience... she..."

"I know what left means, Dr Hodgins. Let her go. I'm here to teach, not to baby anyone. I'm not anyone's mother. And this is a a job, by the way, not a family." There was such harshness in the tone, such coldness. She pushed Hodgins and walked out of his reach.

"There was a time when this was a family, remember? A very quirky, weird, maybe even slightly dysfunctional, a family nonetheless. We weren't alone, remember? There were people around us that cared... Remember when you were Bones and we were the squints, your brain trust?" Brennan was finding it painful to breath while Hodgins tried to reason with that woman. Where had things gone so horribly wrong? "Booth called, by the way..." No reaction. "Heard you did not take the call. His little boy was born yesterday, by the way. Both mother and baby are doing OK, just in case you want to know." Brennan felt her heart stop. The older Brennan did not seem to hear the news, but she felt it so acutely that her heart ached. Her hand clutched at her chest and she carved her nails in her skin. She had to concentrate on something else that was not that pain in her heart. She couldn't breath and wanted to scream. Booth had left her. He'd abandoned her. That had to be why she was so cold to everybody else. It had to be Booth's fault. He had promised that he'd never betray her, but what else was it but treason if he was having a baby with somebody else? She curled up at a corner. It was a nightmare and she needed to wake up.

"Hodgins, don't you see I'm busy? Just do what you're paid to do which does not include lecturing me."

"Temperance..."
"Dr Hodgins, I think you said quite enough." Brennan saw Jack walk out of the office, sighing. She got up from her corner on the floor and walked out after him, leaving that unknown person behind. She wanted to apologize to him, for what that other Temperance had said. But when she walked out the door, she looked back. That other woman had straightened up in her seat and her eyes were lost somewhere that was not that room. She stood there, looking at a silent picture of devastation.

"You know, Temperance," Jimmy Steward had materialized behind her, "it's not that she doesn't feel..." Brennan begged him for an explanation with her eyes. He took her hand in his. "She was always too scared. At first, too scared of what she felt for Booth. Then, too afraid he might feel the same. And then, that he might change his mind... So when he told her how he felt, when he asked her to spend Christmas with him, she said she did not share the feeling, that she was too busy. Come, Temperance, walk with me..." Hand in hand, the Technicolor Temperance and the black and white Jimmy Stewart walked the empty corridors of the Jeffersonian.

"Why?"
"You know that one, Temperance. You've been feeling it for a long time now."

"Fear..."

"Yes, fear."

"What happened?"
"Well, Booth stuck around for some time. But that chemistry between the two of you dried up...you kept on pushing him away and never told him how you felt. He couldn't tell how scared you were because you did not let him get close. He felt lonely. You just refused to talk to him about anything but cases... so when he met Peyton... he felt someone was finally being a friend to him. You weren't really there for him, Temperance. That Christmas you were too busy running. Running from your past, running from what could be your future, from what you two felt that you forgot how to be a friend as well. Peyton did not replace you. She doesn't understand him and she doesn't just know how great he really is like you do. To her, he is an enigma. But she does tell him she loves him..."
"And now they have a baby..."

"They are a family, yes"

"We used to be a family here..."
"So you did. But when he moved away, you pushed people away. Everybody. And it became very difficult to work with you. Impossible, for most people."

"She seems very lonely..."

"She is."
"You said we make our choices..."

"That's right. Now you're thinking with your heart! Each of our choices impacts on events. Even the tiniest little ones."
"So this is only a possibility. It's not like this is already written..."
"Of course not! This is just one in a million of possibilities. Why else do you think we went to all this trouble? You can't change the past. But you can not let it influence what your future is. The future will be what you want it to be." He put his arm around her shoulders and guided her forward. "Close your eyes, Temperance"
"Are we going home?"

"Shhh. Just close your eyes." She did. And for a second or two she felt like she was suspended in mid air, warmth spreading through her body, very much like falling asleep, except she was not in her bed and as far as could remember, she was standing, walking down the Jeffersonian's corridors. But she felt warm and cozy, relaxed and just perfect. Like she was in the best place in the whole world. Wherever it was, she did not want to open her eyes. She did not want to feel miserable again. She was surrounded by warmth and comfort. And then she heard the soft breathing, and the arms around her felt solid and her body recognized another body enveloping hers, her nose recognized the scent. She tentatively blinked her eyes open to see her hands around his and closed them again. Her face felt the soft pillow against her skin on her left side and Booth's breath on her right cheek. She took stock of her body. She was in a soft bed, laying on her side, Booth hugging her, sleeping softly. It was the best place to be. If this was one of the possibilities Jimmy had told her about, she would take this one. She would stay there forever. She relaxed against his body and absorbed his body heat, felt it push away at the heart ache and cold of the night. Her eyes closed softly and she felt her body relax into sleep. Booth's hand slid form under hers and ran down her, down her breasts, lingered there for a few seconds, making her smile. It felt really good to sleep in his arms. His hand continued down to her belly. Except her belly felt different. His hand stopped there, open wide, cupping it. And then she felt something moving inside her. It was more of a flutter, really. Could have gone unnoticed, except Booth's hand rubbed her belly and the movement recurred. Like it was responding to his touch. Booth scooted closer to her, his arm under her neck bringing her closer to him. The movement inside her continued. She did not dare investigate what it was, though she had her own suspicions. She stayed very still, concentrating on her belly, on the movement inside it. There it was again. It felt funny. Her hip hurt slightly, so she adjusted her body and the movement stopped. She went back to being still. And the heat dispensed by Booth's hand on her belly felt like it was spreading through all of her. She opened her eyes and looked around the room. There was a pale light seeping in through the closed curtains that indicated morning. She tried to look down to her feet, but it was too dark to see anything. So she took a deep breath and slid her hand down her body. Her breasts first, that felt bigger and then her belly. She gasped. She was big. She was very big. Her hand roamed around her very round belly and the movement restarted. It felt stronger against her hand.

"Are you OK?" Booth's sleepy voice in her ear interrupted her exploration.

"It moved" It was said somewhere between amazement and shock. Booth smiled.

"I felt her."

"Her?"

"I still say it's a girl" And his hand roamed the roundness of her belly, eliciting further movement from inside. Her heart was pounding in her chest. This was not exactly something she'd always wanted to know how it would feel. In fact, she felt terrified. And excited. And confused. "It's still early. Go back to sleep" And he snuggled in her neck, breathing deeply. She felt herself relax against him. That was the part she'd imagined how it would feel and had always been too afraid to even open to the possibility. It was something she'd kept locked in her own head, without letting it reach her heart. But she'd caught herself often enough, lying beside almost perfect strangers, or alone in her bed, hugging a pillow, and her mind drifting to being in Booth's arms. She would swat the thought away, the longing for that warmth, put it down to exhaustion or to the fact they spent about 80% for their waking time together. She would scold herself repeatedly for mixing together things that were unrelated, like a work partner and silly feelings of loneliness. And then, when she'd felt him go cold in her arms after the shooting, the thought materialized in her mind that she was not ready to live without him around her. It had been something of the mind first. Her brain had always been faster than her heart. But then it had seeped into her heart, and she'd felt it break. She did not dare accept the word love in the beginning. To her mind, Temperance Brennan did not feel that. She had never known how to. The penny had dropped when her fist connected with his chin. She did not need Sweets to tell her it had been a very passionate reaction. By that time, she knew it. She did not need a 12 year old to tell her. She had just needed the time to adjust to the panic, to come up with a plan of action. And what a stupid plan of action it had turned out to be. Pushing away at him each time he tried to come closer. Only to end up with that stupid fight in the lab, making him feel like he couldn't trust her. Shame burned in her cheeks all over again and her throat closed. Her hand closed around her belly and she felt movement again. It gave an exhilarating feeling of completeness, something so opposed to the loneliness she'd always felt was her lot in life it was difficult to put into words. Even by a New York Times best selling author. She was being given a second chance. Not exactly how she'd have chosen a second chance to be, but she'd take it. She'd take this warmth over the cold, mean and lonely Temperance at the lab any time.

"She's restless." He nosed her neck.

"She's keeping me company"

"Oh, is that what she'd doing?"

"Huh huh."
"Are you ready for breakfast?"

"Yeah... I'm starving"

"You're always starving these days..."

"Am I?"

"Cornflakes?"

"With maple syrup, please..."

"Oh, yes, how could I forget the syrup?" But he was smiling. He got up and she made to follow him. "It's cold. Stay there." He pointed at the bed, walking out. She sat on the bed and looked down at herself. There was no doubt about it. She was very pregnant. She got up and walked around the room, not entirely sure of what she was looking for until she found it in the bathroom, a body length mirror. She covered her eyes, a childish embarrassment at what she'd see. She stood before the mirror and slowly uncovered her eyes. There it was, the same face she saw everyday in the mirror, make up free, the tousled bed hair. But there was a glow about her, in her eyes, in her skin. Was that what happiness looked like on her? Her eyes got caught in the rounded shape of her body. She turned sideways and observed the improbable balance of her body, the cocoon it provided for what had moved inside her. Her, Booth had said. The cocoon it provided for her. Really? Temperance Brennan a mommy? Unable to stop herself, she slid the pyjama top up revealing her belly. Six, maybe seven months gestation. Wow! Her hand roamed up and down, the baby inside her responding to the caress. Overwhelmed, she walked back to the room and sat on the armchair by the window. There were tears in her eyes. Jimmy Stewart materialized by her side and took her hand in his.

"Why did you show me this one like this? I mean... I was just a spectator back at the lab but here... Look at me! I'm in it." He smiled at her and patted her hand.

"Call me a romantic fool" There was humor in his eyes. "We thought you needed more than seeing it. Somethings you don't take at face value, Temperance, you're one of those souls that needs to experience it to believe it.

"Well, I choose this one. I want to stay here" And her hands cupped her belly, protectively. "I'm sold, I'll take this one. You can go now. You've persuaded me." She could feel despair growing. She did not want to move from there.

"If only it were that easy, Temperance. This is a possibility, it's not real."

"Yes it is, can't you see?"
"Temperance..." There was patience in the tone. "Remember when I told you you'd deserved tonight?" She nodded in agreement. " Well, it means that you deserved to see your life from a different perspective, what has been, what is, and what can be. This is what can be. We make our choices. If you want this, you need to choose it, actively. Not just accept it as a given. You need to fight for it. To deserve it. Right now, you don't really... qualify... let's say it like that."
"I owe Booth an apology..."

"Among other things... You always chose your path, you've made yourself from whatever you were given, carefully. Now it's time to decide if you want to be careful, play it safe and keep on choosing by yourself, or if you want to risk all that carefully built life and put it in someone else's hands, change it for something that might not work out, that is a potential disaster but that can..."

"Feel this warm..." She completed. Jimmy Stewart nodded in agreement. He held his hand to her.

"Five more minutes, please..." But she took his hand when he didn't reply. She closed her eyes and the tears she'd been holding on to for so long fell, copious, generous, through her closed eyelids. Jimmy's hand felt solid in hers, but the warmth was fading.

She opened her eyes to her living room, the light of the TV illuminating her surroundings. Her hand moved instinctively to her belly but there was nothing there. She felt the loss acutely and more tears fell while she curled up in the sofa rocking rhythmically, trying to comfort herself. Jimmy touched her hair, in a soothing gesture.

"Temperance, look at me..." She obeyed. "Remember what I told you? We make our own choices?" She sniffed a yes. "Well, then why are you sitting here with me and crying your eyes out for?"

And with that, he stood up and walked out of her living room waving goodbye.