CHAPTER 4: A Strange Proposition

Brain's car pulled up to Binky's house. Binky got out of the car and was muttering curse words under his breath. "Fuckin' beer, goddamn chandelier…ouch! My wrist! Fuckin ass shit cock dick…." Arthur rolled down the window and called to Binky. "Hey Binky, it's all going to be alright, okay?" Binky turned around and flipped off his friend. "I'll see you boys in hell!" he called sarcastically, and let out a strange laugh of insanity. "He's gone mad," Brain said quietly.

Next was Buster's apartment. As the car pulled up front, Buster began to cry hysterically. "My cat is probably dead by now! And that chandelier! My mom is going to take away my fleshlight, my cigarettes, my flask! Not my flask!" He dramatically pulled his flask out of his jacket pocket.

Arthur turned around from the front seat. "Buster, chill out. Your mom knows you drink and I bet the cat is just fine." All of a sudden, Bitzi Baxter opened the apartment door and stepped outside. "BUSTER BAXTER where the hell have you been!" she shrieked. Buster sank down into his seat. "Well, at least she hasn't checked my computer's history…"

"And you better explain these websites I found on your laptop!" Bitzi yelled. "Yup, that's one pissed MILF," commented Brain as he looked at Bitzi standing there like a bull ready to charge. Buster sat up. "She's not a MILF! She's a very nice lady," defended Buster. Arthur laughed. "Dude, half the guys in school have asked me if your mom needs a 'pool boy'." Brain tried to hide his chuckle but failed miserably.

Buster opened the car door and got out. "Shut up, guys. Cross your fingers. I'm about to get a can of whoop ass opened on my face."

Brain and Arthur laughed even harder. "You never said she was into incest!" Brain called to Buster. Buster turned around with a red face. "It wasn't supposed to be sexual! At least I get farther with a girl than just seeing her cameltoe!" He then let out a laugh and pointed at Brain.

Brain's eyes narrowed. "He makes out with Maria once and thinks he's Hugh Hefner," he said to Arthur. Arthur was still looking at Buster as he walked up to Bitzi with his head hung low. "Yeah, Buster is in some deep shit now," said Arthur. As Brain's car drove off, the two riders looked in the rear-view mirrors. Bitzi was chewing out Buster. She was wildly waving her arms and pointing a finger at Buster. Arthur turned his eyes back to the road.

"Brain, I'm really sorry about Fern tonight," said Arthur.

Brain shook his head and let out a sigh. "Thanks Arthur, but it's okay. You're right. I'll meet some great girl next year in college."

Arthur softly fist-bumped his friend's shoulder. "Yeah, and maybe you can finally get some of that booty!"

Brain laughed. "If my calculations are correct, my odds of getting laid are much higher in college than they are now, assuming the variables were correct."

After a few minutes, the car pulled up to the Read residence. Arthur got out of the car. "Thanks for the lift, Brain," he said over his shoulder. "No problem, see you later," called Brain, and he drove off.

Arthur looked at his house. No lights were on. "Whew, everyone must be asleep," he told himself as he walked to the back door of the house. He walked into the mud room, and breathed heavily on his hand then smelled it. "Nope, can't smell alcohol," Arthur thought to himself with a proud smile. He took off his shoes and walked upstairs to his room. When he got to the top of the stairs, he heard a noise. It was coming from DW's room! Arthur crept up to the closed door and placed his ear against it. He listened for a moment and considered the possibilities. "These sounds can mean only one thing," he thought. "James is in there with her." Arthur took a deep breath, opened the door quickly, and turned on the light.

Arthur stared at the horrendous and atrocious sight. DW and James were half naked making out on her bed! DW saw Arthur and pulled the blanket to cover her and James. Arthur crossed his arms. "So, DW, do mom and dad know James is here?"

DW laughed nervously, pulled the blanket down, and looked at James, who was shaking in fear of being caught by DW's parents. "Um, well, not technically, no," DW began, "but I figured if you were having fun tonight, then I could too!"

Arthur shook his head. "DW, you're 14. I'm an adult. You're too young to be sneaking boys into your room past midnight." DW's face went stern. "James is not just some boy. He's my boyfriend! And for your information, Arthur Timothy Read, that means I'm in a relationship. At least James likes me. Sue Ellen probably thinks you're a weenie with a micro penis."

Arthur scowled. "Sue Ellen? I don't like Sue Ellen!"

DW laughed. "Yeah right. You've been into her since she moved here," she said smugly.

James peeked out from under the blanket. "I think Sue Ellen is pretty hot, Arthur. I don't blame you for liking her," James said sheepishly. DW turned to James. "Shut up, James! I'm your woman, and I'm the only one you can call 'hot'!" "Yes ma'am!" replied James as he hid back under the covers.

DW turned back to Arthur. "Please don't tell Mom and Dad!" she begged. Arthur turned around and looked at his parents' bedroom door. "Hmm…I don't know, DW, I think they would love to show some hospitality to your late-night guest," said Arthur. DW got out of her bed and put a shirt on. "Listen, I got cash from babysitting," DW said as she walked over to her purse on the dresser. She pulled out some bills and walked up to her brother. "See? $25. It's yours if you don't tell Mom and Dad," she said with a convincing smile on her face. Arthur grabbed the money from his sister's hand. "Deal!" he said as he shut the door and walked back to his own bedroom, where he placed the cash on his desk. He took off his glasses, got into his pajamas, and crawled into bed. "Damn, what a night," he said softly to himself. "I can't believe I'm hooking up with Sue Ellen tomorrow." He smiled. Then came a few yawns, and Arthur drifted off to sleep.

Arthur opened his eyes and glanced at his alarm clock. 9:13am. He stretched out his arms and let out a big yawn. The morning sunlight had pierced through the shades on his window. Arthur grabbed his glasses and put them on. His room was a mess. There were clothes all over the floor. His trashcan was overflowing. His closet had old toys spilling out from it. "I need to clean up a little," he muttered as he climbed out of bed. He turned on the light, and began to pick stuff up off the floor. His laundry basket was right near his dresser. He picked up a shirt and smelled it. "Hm, this smells clean," he said, and walked over to the dresser. Right away, he noticed something. His underwear drawer was slightly opened! He opened the drawer and glared at what he saw. The bottle was gone! His bottle of vodka was gone! He threw down the shirt and stormed into DW's room. James was gone.

"DW! I know you took my bottle!" Arthur said as he shook his sister awake. She slowly opened her eyes and rubbed them. "What bottle?" she said sleepily. Arthur shook her again. "My bottle of…you know, stuff that kids shouldn't drink!"

DW sat up in confusion. "You mean alcohol? I don't like that stuff! I didn't take it," she said as she climbed out of bed. "By the way, thanks for waking me up, asshole."

Arthur's stomach turned to stone. "Oh shit," he said and turned to walk downstairs. As he walked into the kitchen, his mom was coloring with Kate. Mrs. Read turned to Arthur with an angry look. "Arthur," she began. Arthur put his hands up in surrender. "I know, I know, Mom. I'm sorry, it won't happen again."

"You know curfew is midnight. I heard you come in after 1," she said.

Arthur looked at her with surprise, then delight. "Oh yeah, yup. Sorry about that, lost track of time at the party!" he quickly said, and walked out of the kitchen. He headed for the garage. "If Mom and DW didn't take it, that means…" he heard his dad humming cheerfully in the garage kitchen. Arthur opened the door and looked at his dad, who was busy spreading frosting onto some cookies. Mr. Read noticed his son watching him.

"Good morning, Arthur! How was the party?" asked Mr. Read.

Arthur didn't get it. Wouldn't his own father be mad for finding alcohol in his room? Arthur walked up to table where his dad was cooking. "Um, it was a lot of fun, Dad," Arthur said. Mr. Read put down the cookies and wiped his hands with a wash rag. "Well, what did you do? You got home really late last night," said Mr. Read. Arthur gulped. "He knows I was drinking! He probably heard about the chandelier, about Fern slapping Brain, about Sue Ellen!" Arthur thought as he looked down at the floor.

"Arthur? What did you do last night?" repeated Mr. Read.

Arthur remade eye contact with his dad and cleared his throat. "Just watched movies and played some arcade games. You know Muffy, always has the coolest toys," said Arthur as he carefully watched for a negative response.

"Arthur, I know you're not telling me the whole truth," Mr. Read said as he started reading a recipe card. Arthur knew it. He was cornered now. "Dad," he began.

Mr. Read held up his hand. "Say no more, son. I understand."

Arthur perked up. "You do?"

Mr. Read put down the recipe card and smiled. "Yes, I do. I was a senior in high school once. And let me tell you, my friends called me the Beast from the East."

"Uh, what?"

"The Beast from the East. I could outdrink anybody. And I could get with the ladies too, if you know what I mean," Mr. Read said with a wink and a chuckle. "One time your mom and I had a fight, so I banged this smoking hot babe. What was her name? Oh yeah! Anna!"

Arthur almost fell over in surprise. His own father was a partier? And a slayer of women?

"Dad, are you serious?"

Mr. Read crossed his arms and closed his eyes. "Oh yes, David Read could destroy any bottle, and any pussy, for that matter. One time, your mom and I tried this sex position I learned from a magazine and -"

"DAD!" Arthur interrupted.

"Oops, sorry," Mr. Read said, as he chuckled again with satisfaction.

"So, I'm guessing you found my bottle of booze in my underwear drawer?" asked Arthur. Mr. Read nodded. "I was putting away your laundry, and saw the bottle. I was thirsty and said, 'what the hell? I'll drink it!' Hope you don't mind. By the way, you gotta find a better spot than that. I had a secret compartment behind a poster in my wall when I was your age. Took me days to construct that thing…"

Arthur couldn't believe it. He never knew this about his dad. "Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Can I ask you for some advice?" Arthur hesitated to go in this direction, but he was too afraid to bring anything up to his friends, especially Buster, who had a tendency to blurt out secrets at inconvenient times.

Mr. Read smacked his hands together, as if ready to strategize a great plan. "Son! If it's about Sue Ellen, I got everything you need to know." He pointed to his head and winked.

"How did you know about -"

"I've seen you checking out that feline for years, Arthur. At every school gathering with parents, you're watching that ass." Said Mr. Read. "Oh, and you suck at trying to hide it, doesn't take a Sherlock Holmes to figure that one out," he added as he tasted a morsel of the frosting.

Arthur put his head on the table. "If you know, Dad, everyone else probably knows too."

Mr. Read took off his apron and walked over to his son. He placed his hand on Arthur's shoulder. "Arthur, don't worry about a thing. So, everyone in Elwood City knows you wanna rail Sue Ellen Armstrong. Big deal. Trust me, I've been through worse. One time, I streaked down Main Street when I was drunk. Everyone saw the Dick That Every Girl Would Pick."

Arthur looked up at his dad. "Did you really call your dick that?"

Mr. Read conveniently coughed, then continued: "The point is, you need a few tricks up your sleeve. It's all about the reads, no pun intended."

"Argh, Dad! Okay, so what do you mean by tricks?"

Mr. Read leaned up against the table and put his hand to his chin. "Hmm…in your case…how about this? Next time you're alone with Sue Ellen, look for three key things."

"Three things?"

"Yes, three things. Number one: if she asked you to come up to her room, or into her car, or something similar, there's a sign."

"Well, she did invite me over to her house later today…"

"Perfect! Okay, Number two: she sits on the bed and invites you to sit on the bed with her. And Number Three…this one is trickier to recognize."

"What, Dad! What's Number Three?"

"She's wearing a matching bra and panties. If you can spot this one, you're about to enter the Porkin' City, baby!" Mr. Read raised a fist in the air triumphantly. Arthur carefully considered his dad's advice. "Dad," said Arthur, "Do those things really mean she's into me?"

"Well that means you'll be "into her", literally!" Mr. Read started laughing and he slapped his knees. "Oh, David Read, you sure are the best comedian around," Mr. Read confidently said to himself. Arthur shook his head. "Okay, thanks, Dad. I'll look out for those three signs when I go to her house later today." He started out of the garage.

"Oh, Arthur!"

Arthur turned around to see his dad holding up a small object. "Take a condom! I always carry one in my wallet, just in case. You should too!" Mr. Read threw the condom pack at Arthur. Arthur caught it, and wondered what his dad meant by "just in case." "If dad's cheating on mom with some skank, I'll pull his tonsils out through his armpits," Arthur said to himself as he headed inside.

As he opened the back door, a thought hit him. "Everyone always says Bitzi Baxter was a MILF…and dad carries around condoms and claims he could screw any girl…OH NO! Dad is banging Bitzi!" Thought Arthur in horror.

"Arthur? Are you okay?"

Arthur snapped out of his thoughts and saw his mom standing there with a concerned look. "I'm fine, Mom, just waking up still," lied Arthur as he headed upstairs.

"What did you need to talk to your father about?" called Mrs. Read after Arthur.

Arthur stopped dead in his tracks and turned around. "Just about college life, you know…professors, 3 hour exams, that sort of stuff." He gave a nervous laugh and tried to remain calm. Mrs. Read gave a suspicious look. "Oh. Alright. What are your plans for today?"

"Going over to Sue Ellen's house this afternoon…" Arthur said slowly. He hoped and prayed his mom would stop talking to him so he could strategize in his room.

"Sue Ellen? She's such a nice girl. And so pretty too! If you need any advice, just come talk to me. I know all about girls, if you know what I mean." Mrs. Read laughed a little at her own words.

"Uh, okay. Thanks, Mom!" Arthur raced upstairs. "What the hell did she mean by that last sentence? My parents are so bizarre," he thought to himself as he shut his bedroom door. He looked at his alarm clock. 9:31am. "In a few short hours, I'll be doing the dirty business with one hot cat!" Arthur said as he continued the chore of picking up his room.

2:50pm. Arthur was dressed in some nicer clothes. He had put on his cologne, shaved, and brushed his teeth again for the fourth time today. As he stood in the bathroom mirror looking at himself, he felt his heartbeat. It was racing. "Breath, Arthur," he said quietly to himself. "In less than half an hour, you'll finally be a man." He puffed up his chest, flexed his bicep, and then walked out of the bathroom and out of the house.

Since his mom had to run errands, Arthur was forced to ride his bike. He pedaled faster than usual. As he rode along the street, he kept nervously glancing at his watch. 2:54pm. 2:55pm. Being late was the last thing he wanted to do. "I can't keep my woman waiting!" he thought to himself as he crossed onto another road. Finally, he arrived at Sue Ellen's house. He looked at his watch: 2:59pm. "Perfect timing. Damn, you're about to get some pussy," Arthur told himself as he parked his bike by the front porch.

He walked up to the front door, and looked at his watch. 15 more seconds…he quickly checked himself over to make sure there was nothing wrong with his outfit. Still looking good. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. "Showtime," he said under his breath, and rang the doorbell. He waited for a few moments, then he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. The door opened. There was Sue Ellen, standing there with a big smile on her face. "Arthur! Come on in!" She held the door opened as he sheepishly walked in.

Sue Ellen's house was covered with lots of exotic artifacts. With her dad being a diplomat, she had lived all over the world. Masks, vases, weapons, coins, you name it. From every continent, too. Arthur looked around, trying to act like he was admiring her house, even though there was a hurricane raging inside of him.

"Wanna come upstairs to my room? My parents are in LA for a diplomat conference, but it will be comfier up there," said Sue Ellen as she headed up the stairs. "Uh, sure," said Arthur quietly, as he followed her. "Number One down," he thought to himself, "I can't believe Dad might actually be right."

Sue Ellen opened her bedroom door up and walked in. "It's kinda messy, but I figured as an upcoming college kid you'd understand," she said with a laugh. Arthur laughed too, but it sounded rather fake. "You've been in my room before, haven't you?" asked Sue Ellen as she watched Arthur look around. "Oh yeah, a couple of times over the years," replied Arthur as he checked out the various postures and exotic pieces.

"You know, it's crazy to think we've known each other for over a decade now," said Sue Ellen as she sat on her bed. "Yeah, it is crazy," said Arthur as he awkwardly stood there. Sue Ellen laughed again. "Arthur, come sit down," she patted the spot next to her with her hand. Arthur's heart skipped a beat. "Number Two!" he thought to himself, "I'm almost to Porkin' City!"

Arthur walked over to the bed, and stopped. "Uh, Sue Ellen?" he began. He pointed to her bed. Sue Ellen looked where he was pointing: "Oh sorry, Arthur!" She quickly picked up the bra and panties that were next to her. Arthur almost had an aneurism: the bra and panties were matching! They were both blue! "Number Three! Well, almost Number Three. She's not wearing them, but hell, I'll take it," he thought as he sat down next to her.

Sue Ellen threw the articles of clothing on the floor. "Gotta love Veronica's Secret," she said with a laugh. Arthur blushed. Sue Ellen turned to him. "So, Arthur, I need to talk to you about something," she said with sincerity. Arthur was waiting for the magic words: "let's fuck."

"Arthur? Are you listening?" asked Sue Ellen.

Arthur snapped back into reality. "Yes, sorry, I'm listening."

Sue Ellen looked at her fingers as she nervously fiddled with them. Arthur noticed. "She's nervous too!" he thought. "That's okay, two virgins can still figure out which part goes where."

"Arthur, we've been pretty close friends for over 10 years now…"

"Yes, true."

Sue Ellen was still looking at her hands. "Well, we have always trusted each other, and I felt like we can tell each other anything, right?"

Arthur felt blood rushing to certain places. He started to feel a little dizzy. "Yeah of course," he said. "You can trust me with anything," he added, then realized how stupid that probably sounded.

Sue Ellen stopped looking at her hands and looked at Arthur. She put her hand onto his hand. Arthur knew it! That was the breaking point! "I'm going in!" Arthur thought. He moved in to kiss Sue Ellen. "Hallelujah" was echoing in his head.

"Arthur! What are you doing!" Sue Ellen put her hand up to her mouth before Arthur's lips reached them. Arthur pulled back. "Fuck…goddamn it!" he thought, "I blew it just like Brain!"

Sue Ellen's face went even more serious. "Arthur, I'm sorry, but I have to remain celibate."

"Celibate?" asked Arthur with a slight squeak in his voice.

Sue Ellen nodded. "Yes, celibate. I wanted to tell you that I'm going to live in Tibet and study to become a Buddhist nun. I know you were raised Christian, but I wanted you to come with me."

Arthur was shocked. Tibet? Buddhist nun? Come with Sue Ellen? His stomach did a somersault and landed somewhere in his throat.

"You want me to come with you?" he asked.

"Yes. But I understand if you don't want to. I want a friend there too, who can learn the culture, religion, and language alongside me."

Arthur couldn't believe what he was hearing. "So…that means we can't have sex?"

Sue Ellen laughed yet again, which made Arthur angry. "No, nuns must remain celibate, Arthur. I must prepare myself for a life of learning Buddha's ways." She pointed towards a miniature statue of Buddha on her dresser. "I thought about going to college, but decided that I was destined to live a life of enlightenment, meditation, and martial arts."

Arthur stood up, and turned to face his friend. "Sue Ellen, I'm flattered you asked me, but I can't go to Tibet! I'm going to Elwood City Community College next year! I got all my classes lined up and everything!"

Sue Ellen's expression remained stable. "I know, Arthur. I just thought I'd ask…you are one of my best friends, and I knew you would understand my calling."

Arthur tried to look like he wasn't mad. Sue Ellen dragged his ass to her house, all alone, brought him up to her bedroom, showed off her matching bra and panties, sat him on the bed, and then confessed to becoming a celibate Buddhist nun? Celibate?!

"Arthur, please don't be upset. I know you've always liked me," confessed Sue Ellen with a smile. "If truth be known, I've always liked you too, but it looks like our lives are taking separate courses."

"Yeah, I guess so…" said Arthur softly as he looked at his feet. "Well, I'm happy for you. I hope you find peace as you live in Tibet and embrace a new lifestyle."

Arthur started out of her bedroom, then, "Arthur, wait!" Arthur turned around and felt Sue Ellen's lips pressed against his. She wrapped her arms around him, and he wrapped his arms around her. Sue Ellen smelled so good, and she was so beautiful. They kissed for a few moments, then Sue Ellen let go. "There, consider that our goodbye," she whispered.