Break, mend and shatter
Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Vampire Diaries don't belong to me. Credit goes to the rightful owners.
Chapter 3: It's a long way to nowhere
Damon
I should have thrown away my phone, crushed it under a rock or ran over it with my car. The ringtone sounded eerily like it was telling me this was all too good to be true. It was.
But like a good little boy, I made sure Elena's family had a way of reaching us not matter how much I wanted to be completely isolated with her. For crying out loud, I'm a vampire and supposedly instinctively selfish. Yet here I am, on the phone with Elena's brother and more than just a little concerned that everything is not a-ok back in Mystic Falls.
"Damon, is Elena there? Something's happened. Jenna…well she's missing," Jeremy said over the phone uneasily, as if he was worried that someone was listening.
I was about to hand over the phone to Elena but she shook her head, lips drawn in a thin line and fists clenched in a tight ball.
"Yeah she's with me. She's fine but she's not up to talking. Before you get into any details, is someone with you?" I asked not taking my eyes off Elena
"Uh, yeah Alaric, but he's been stabbed, I wanted to call 911 but he insisted I call you," Jeremy replied, his voice wary
"Does he have his ugly ring on?" I said as I watched Elena pale ever so slightly in front of me
"Yes," he answered
"Good, he'll be fine," I continued, my eyes trained on Elena, "Do not, under any circumstances, let anyone in. Call Bonnie and tell her to go to your house. She can protect you for now. Do not pick her up; she has to come to you. You do not leave the house for ANY reason. Stay put and get hold of any weapon there, I'm sure the teacher is loaded with them. We'll be there as soon as possible. Call me if anything happens."
"Yeah, thanks man. Look I know it's just wasted effort, but tell my sister not to worry too much." Jeremy said before the line went silent
I let my hand drop to my side as I watched Elena carefully. She stared back at me, her eyes full of anxiety, "I thought you said we had more than five minutes this time?"
I exhaled loudly and pulled her into a tight embrace, "I know but I'd rather take that away from you than someone from your life. Get your things and we'll go."
Elena nodded mutely and headed towards the small shack. Seeing the change in her, literally within seconds, made me want to run off and just tear the limbs of those responsible for this.
I settled for the next best thing—I put out the fire and watched as it flickered before completely dying in front of me. At least some things remain simple, and when they die they stay that way. It's better to be in the darkness anyway. I needed to believe that but after a day like this one with Elena, I wasn't so sure I bought it.
Elena stepped out and stood beneath the moonlight, bag in hand, and a lost look in her eyes. She was made for the light but the darkness keeps shadowing her in like a curse, like always, and like it never should be.
"Jeremy asked me to tell you not worry," I called out as I walked towards her
"You know that's impossible." Elena said, all the humor now gone from her voice
"I know, but he asked me to tell you, so I said it," I said with a shrug as I took the bags from her
"When did you learn to follow what other people tell you to do?" she said with one eyebrow raised, the shadow of a smile on one corner of her lips
"When I need you to not freak out on me on the ride home," I said opening the car door for her, reaching out and putting the seatbelt on her.
"I'm not fragile Damon," she said unlocking the seatbelt before putting it back on in defiance, just to show she could do it.
I rolled my eyes at her, "I'm not taking my chances, not with you, not ever. Keep it on."
I started the car and backed out into the street, headlights flooding the road before us. I reached out to turn on the radio but Elena's hand stopped mine. She shook her head and looked out the window, but it didn't escape me that she didn't let go of my hand. She kept it clasped with hers on her lap.
"You know that's not safe right?" I asked her, "I do need to shift gears, you know."
"Please, Damon, be serious with me just a bit longer." Elena pleaded, "Just…just don't let go unless you have to."
I nodded, somehow knowing that request wasn't just for this night, "I won't. Get some rest. You'll need your energy when we get there."
She nodded in response but looked out the window, lost in thought and anxiety. I wanted to take her pain, compel her into forgetting. It would be so much easier for us. I could run away with her and she'd never even know what she left behind.
But as tears fell down her face, the only thing I could do was reach out and wipe them away. The monster inside me remained to be a caged beast, silenced by my need to be a better version of myself to be worthy of my place in her life.
It took about two hours before she stopped crying and finally fell asleep. I slowly tried to take my hand away but she tugged it back, keeping it in hers and I couldn't help but smile. If only we were under better circumstances, I'd have pretended it meant something. But I couldn't lie to myself anymore than I could to Elena.
I listened to her breathing and the rhythm of her heart, steady and peaceful until she let out an ear-splitting shriek as she practically threw away my hand.
"Noooooooooo!" she wailed, her eyes wide open in fright
"Elena!" I called out, "Talk to me."
"Stop the car! Damon, stop the freaking car!" she yelled
"All right, all right, calm down Elena." I said trying to appease her, slowing down the car on the side of the road.
The moment I pulled over, she was out the door, slamming it behind her, poised to run. But I was, and always will be, faster, so I blocked her path and held her in place by her arms.
"Hold it. What did I say about not freaking out?" I said my eyes narrowed at her, wondering what was going on in her head
"Damon, let me go." Elena said with a fury burning in her, slowly boiling into rage
"No," I shot back, "If I recall correctly, you made me promise not to. What the hell is going on Elena? We're almost there and you choose now to go crazy? Or do you just want to make a run for it? Cause in case you've forgotten, I can outrun you any day of the week, just try me."
"They're all dead Damon! I saw them, all the graves lined up, one after the other and I'm the only one left standing." Elena shouted back
"It was a nightmare Elena!" I told her as I kept my grip on her, resisting the urge to shake some sense into her, "You fell asleep, you had a bad dream. But here, this right now, this is real. We're on our way back to Mystic Falls, where Jeremy is at home with Alaric, and hopefully Bonnie. We'll find Jenna and that dream of yours won't be real for another fifty odd years if I have anything to do about it. Get a grip, Elena."
"No, Damon, don't you get it?" Elena said fiercely, "It's a dream now but that's what I'll be going home to. It's inevitable, they'll all DIE and I'll watch it all happen. They'll die because of me. I'm the reason why they're in danger, I brought it into their lives. And I'm tired of fighting. I'm always running around looking for someone to save that I don't even realized I've destroyed myself in the process. I don't see the light anymore Damon, I'm just stuck in the dark and I can't get out…"
I took a deep breath, trying to get a better control of my own frustration with hearing her talk this way. I could see her give up, how torn up she was inside and it would be so easy for her enemies to catch her weak.
I was jolted by her warm hand on my cheek, forcing me to look at her. She swallowed before speaking, her eyes already begging me, "Please don't let me break. I don't know how much more I can take. Tell me to run away with you and I will."
In a second, I held her face in hands, "Look at me," I said, "Can you really just walk away? Think, Elena. Do you really want to roam the world not caring, not knowing whatever happened to your family? Elena, if that's what you want, I'll do it. We can turn around right now and go wherever you want. But you and I both know that you don't want that. You're afraid, I get it, but falling apart now will not accomplish anything. She's missing. That's all we know. Don't go through all the possibilities in your head. We need clear heads for this if we want her back. Focus, don't fade on me."
"Why does it always happen to people I care about? Just when I thought…Maybe if I never made it out of that car…" she trailed off, clearly spent, tears freely falling from her eyes.
"Do not even go down that road, Elena. No regrets. Don't be sorry you're alive because you feel that the world is falling into a thousand tiny pieces. You can't throw away ALL the things in your life right now, because there's still some good in it. The only thing that counts right now is getting through to the next moment and the one after that. "
Elena broke free from my grasp and pushed me on the chest.
"Why should I even bother Damon? If we get her back, what if Jeremy is the next victim? Why can't we just let it end with me now?" she yelled out in frustration
"Do you even hear yourself? Have you gone insane? You're taking on the blame for all of this, what are you a walking, human plague? Why don't you take the blame for floods, earthquakes and whatever disasters out there? Elena, I love you, but the world doesn't revolve around you. You didn't do anything wrong, this is on them, whoever they are, NOT YOU. Don't make it easy on them by not fighting."
Elena was frozen in place, her hair billowing in the wind, as she stared at me. I wrinkled my eyebrows in confusion and replayed the last few seconds in my mind, wondering where I lost her and stunned her into silence. And then there it was.
I love you.
I didn't even realize I said it aloud. Well, I did once before but she was catatonic so it didn't count. I guess it does now.
Elena's mouth was hanging slightly open, shaped in an 'O', as if she couldn't believe what she heard. I wish she wouldn't but as it's true, I wasn't going to take it back.
"After everything I've said, that's the one thing you pick up?" I said incredulously
"Oh come on," I continued as she stood perfectly still in front of me, "as if you don't already know that."
She frowned and inclined her head slightly, still not speaking but at least her tears had dried up into messy tracks on her face.
I sighed and shook my head, stepping closer to her, wondering how it was, that even a mess like this, I still found her more beautiful than Elena 2.0, the evil version.
"I love you," I repeated, giving her a pointed look, "But that's something for later."
She remained immobile, watching me, words completely deserting her.
"So, I really need to spell it out for you huh? Is it really that hard to believe?" I said, a bit of hurt evident in my voice with the last question. I shook my head and counted off, "One, look, I'm sorry I said it because you obviously aren't ready to hear it and it's obviously not the right time to profess undying love or any kind for that matter. Two, please focus Elena, we don't have time to discuss this because someone needs a white knight or any kind of rescue mission, and you're going to want to be part of that despite your little tirade. That means you need to forget, just for a little while, that I opened my big mouth. And three, because I'm an idiot and partly insane, I'll say it again, I love you. It's that simple. Not earth-shattering, as I suspect it's been true for a while now, even if it's not been obvious to you. End of story. Get back in the car Elena."
Elena's frown deepened into a scowl as she glared at me, "One, don't ever apologize for something like that but yes I'm not ready to hear it, just like the first time you said it. I wasn't fully asleep. But I needed to know it Damon. I don't have the words to make it feel right or make anything out of it, yet. Give me time. Two, I'm sorry, I lost it. It's just," she paused, taking a deep breath as she balled her fists in front of her, "not right that I'm living my life looking over my shoulder for signs of trouble. I don't want this but I will live with it for as long as I can. I just wish the people in my life don't have to be as paranoid as I am. Three, I don't deserve to hear it again because I don't have anything to give back and that's worth apologizing for. I'm sorry Damon."
I smiled ruefully at her, "Who said I was asking for anything? I just needed you to know. I'm all about unrequited love you know, I'm a pro."
I expected a snarky remark or a look of pity but not her arms wrapping around me and her voice muffled against my chest, "For what it's worth, right here, I think you just saved my life. Thank you."
I kissed her on the forehead, "Don't tell anyone, I have a reputation to protect. Now, can we please get back on the road?"
Elena nodded and hugged herself as she walked back to the car. I got in after her, making sure she was not going to suddenly jump out and run.
We were five minutes out when she started to talk again, "How many hours away are we now?"
"Just one," I answered quietly, both hands gripping the steering wheel, trying to control the urge to reach out to her and just pick up things right before she woke up from her nightmare
"Damon, you're going to crush the wheel if you don't loosen your grip." Elena said pointedly, one hand over mine, easing it off and placing it in hers
"Oh the lies you tell to get my hand in yours," I joked, silently thanking her for putting me out of my misery.
"Fine," she said letting go, "happy?"
"No," I said taking her hand again, "Look, sarcasm is a crappy defense mechanism and my timing pretty much sucks, but I'm just trying to distract you okay? I need you to give me the rest of this drive to at least allow you time to breathe easy. Between this point and your house, worrying your pretty little head to the loony bin won't help matters so just please try to relax while you can."
Elena nodded in acquiescence, and turned to face me, "Let's play a game. I'll ask you three questions, and you promise to be serious. Just like this morning."
"That's just a game for you Elena, not for me. I don't see me winning any prizes in that one." I said
"I didn't say it was going to be a fun game for you, " she said, "Fine, you ask three too."
"I'm so going to regret this but go ahead, rob me of my pride woman," I said with a wave of my hand
"Why are you always wearing black?" she asked, thankfully going the trivial route
"Uh, I look good in it. And it's not ALWAYS. My turn, why did you tell Jenna I was an ass, back when we had 'family night'?"
"Because I knew you could hear me, which I'm sure you already figured out," she said with a satisfied smile, "and because it was true at the time. And excuse me, you always wear black."
"Yes I knew, but confirmation is always good." I replied simply, "And I'll wear blue one of these days to prove you wrong."
"Okay, how did Isobel know that you loved me?" she asked quickly, as if it would make the question less serious or shocking for that matter
"Love you," I corrected her, "Present tense, not past. Simple, I slammed her on the floor and told her she can't come waltzing in and threatening people I care about. In short, I basically told her. My turn again, in Atlanta, why did you beg for my life?"
"I didn't beg," she started to protest
"Oh, I believe you used that word," I said
"Fine, I don't know," she said, "it's the truth, lame as it sounds. I just acted on instinct, I remembered what Lexi said and I went with it. I couldn't walk away."
"Dangerous ground you're treading there Elena," I said quietly, "I'm guessing Lexi told you that with you and brother dear in mind, not me. You're supposed to walk away from me, Elena."
"You really don't see yourself clearly Damon," she said with wonder in her voice, "You don't get it—how I always run to you and why. Because I never could turn my back on you, whether it was for your crazy schemes to open that damn tomb or someone trying to burn you; and I don't intend to start anytime, ever."
"Last question Elena, make it count," I said softly, not knowing what to make of what she said
"If she asked you to go instead, would you have left?" Elena said quietly
"I was obsessed with her, Elena, for over a hundred years, I would have gone, so it's a yes," I answered honestly, "BUT I'm glad she didn't or I wouldn't be stuck in a car with you, answering all these wonderfully thought-provoking questions. And we're down to the end of our little game, my last question is—would it matter to you if I did end up leaving with the evil queen bitch?"
"We're here," she said abruptly, looking out the window, watching for movement in the house
I parked and turned off the engine, believing the game to be over, thinking she probably wouldn't answer anymore, but Elena always managed to catch me off guard.
"Stefan would have been around to numb the pain, but it would matter because it would have broken something inside me." Elena said as she was halfway out the door.
I followed suit and walked up the porch steps after her, when the door swung open, a woman standing inside, smiling at us with a wicked glint in her eyes.
"Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised to find you together. You took too long though. But never mind that. Welcome home, darling daughter."
Elena's eyes widened as she whispered the name,
"Isobel."
