Chapter 4

Beware of sadistic Hello Kitties because well…they're sadistic.

A pink dragonfly sits on the tatami mat. Perhaps it's indulging in the padding's rice-straw texture or maybe it's just resting. Who knows? It continues to crawl in circles across the mat before it raises its wings and lands on Sougo's eye mask. What's a dragonfly even doing flying around in the middle of winter?

Well, Mister or Miss Dragonfly, just incase you're trying to insinuate something outrageous, I need to make something clear right now. I know I previously complimented Sougo on his appealing sadistic self, and my mind just went off tangent when we were undressing, but don't get me wrong. I don't feel anything for the brat at all. Seeing Sougo undress, strip, expose—no, remove his clothes for the first time in a long while (after I decided that bathing in my assassin's presence was not exactly a bright idea) just surprised me. That's all, so go away, and take your absurd notions with you.

The dragonfly silently leaves the room through the window, but I can almost swear that it just shook its head and giggled as it exited, swiftly flapping its wings.

"Sougo, Toushi, are you awake?"

Yes, that's all, you bizarre pink dragonfly. Who would dare consider being infatuated, much less being in love, with this kid anyway? I don't even think he's human. No human would constantly pursue the assassination of a single person as if his whole life depends on that one goal, no human parallels his sadism, no human can hide his mendacity as well as Prince Sadist, and no human can surpass his level of his treachery. No, he's not human.

"Toushi, you're dazing off."

He's a sadistic robot with a monotone voice program. I bet his bazooka is built inside his body, and that's how I never see where he hides his bazooka.

"Toushi, are you okay? You're not sick, are you?"

No, that's a bit far fetched. His physique doesn't even resemble a robot. Maybe—

"Toushi!"

Water stings my eyes. I glance at the most likely culprit, Sougo, but it seems that he didn't expect that water assault either as unpeels his eye mask.

"Toushi, Sougo, I have a job for you two." It seems that Kondo, who's eagerly swinging a water bucket, is the culprit. I want to demand the reason behind the water assault, but the gleeful commander immediately runs down the hallway, seemingly excited about something…something that hints more burdensome antics. He returns with a bulging suitcase and unzips it.

I can feel my eyes protruding from my sockets. "Kondo-san, are those cosplay clothes?!" I know that what I'm seeing right now isn't an illusion, but I do wish it is. The entire bag is filled with various cosplay dresses! How did Kondo get a hold of these things? On second thought, I'd rather not know.

Sougo rummages through the suitcase. What the heck is he doing?! He picks up a gothic Lolita dress with frills, satin ribbons, ruffled cuffs, an elaborately-designed apron and why am I paying attention to its details? "Ne, Hijikata-san, I think this would suit you very well. This will really accentuate your feminine side." Sougo parades the dress before me, holding it by the collar. I stare at the dress, I stare at Sougo. Actually, Sougo should consider wearing the dress since it would look great on him, and why am I even picturing Sougo in that dress?

"Sougo, that dress is perfect for you! Here's a pair of cat ears. Now, go change!" Apparently, Kondo and I were thinking along the same line. I willingly offer Kondo the key to unlock the handcuffs, and as Kondo pushes a confused Sougo into a separate room, with his hands clutching the dress, I can't help but smirk out of revenge. It's now Sougo's turn to be tortured.

"Now, as for you Toushi…" Looks like I'm going to be tortured, too.

I hastily reach for my sword. "No, Kondo-san, I'm prepared to commit seppuku before you order me to wear a dress."

Kondo stops me from unsheathing my sword. "But it's for the Shogun, Toushi!" With much enthusiasm, Kondo extends a PINK ballroom dress to me.

I keep my arms to my side and form tight fists, refusing to accept the extravagant PINK dress. "Kondo-san, what kind of mission for the Shogun is so important that it requires a man to wear a ballroom dress?"

Let's not forget that it's PINK!

"Hmm, you're right! A ballroom dress is too much for a mission like this!" Kondo drops the ball gown and searches through the pile of cosplay dresses in the suitcase. He selects a new ensemble: a cream shirt with puffy sleeves, layered with a PINK jumper dress and a huge ribbon.

I sigh, smacking my forehead. "Kondo-san, why is this mission so important?"

Kondo places the dress aside and with a serious mien, he answers, "Because it's for the Shogun and because we're the Shinsengumi."

And immediately, I understand.

To fail the Shogun can mean failure for our Shinsengumi.

I nod. "Alright, just not that dress. It's too short."

Smiling, Kondo eagerly filters through the suitcase. This time he doesn't choose a dress. It's now a PINK schoolgirl uniform with a small PINK ribbon and a PINK skirt.

At last, my tolerance explodes. "WHY DO YOU KEEP CHOOSING PINK?"

"Toushi, you have to respect this color. Only real men wear pink, you know. Now try it on." He throws the uniform onto my waving protesting arms.

I groan in defeat.


A few minutes later…

Kondo scrutinizes me in the pink uniform. "You…you look…you look like…" He places one of his hands on his chin for a second, uncertain about how he should describe me.

A heavy tension encloses the room.

"You look like a man in a schoolgirl uniform." Kondo wears an apologetic look. "But it's just my opinion, and—"

I shake my head and raise my hand, implying that there was no need for an apology. I'm actually relieved that my masculinity is still preserved even with this uniform.

"Kondo-san, it's not your fault that not all men are feminine enough to pull off a woman's outfit."

"You're right. We'll have to think of another costume for you." Kondo searches the bottom of the suitcase. He pauses in his rummaging with a manic gleam in his irises. "This will perfectly match Sougo's dress, and I think you'll look great in this one!" He extracts a black suit, a tuxedo to be specific, from the suit case.


Several seconds later…

"Why does it feel like something horrible is about to happen?" I grumble to myself as I fix the black tie and smooth out the collar.

"Nonsense! You look great! Nothing can go wrong!" There's a wide Chesire cat grin implanted on Kondo's face. It seems a bit too wide. "Here, put this on." With that same suspicious grin, he throws a pair of cat ears to me.

It's for the Shogun and the Shinsengumi, so just wear the damn cat ears. I let my eyes linger on the furry pair of cat ears for a moment before grunting in defeat and attaching them.

A door slides open with a creak. "Kondo-san, will you please help me attach these ears?" Sougo sashays into the room, the Lolita dress swishing as he saunters to Kondo. Sparkles are gleaming in his eyes and around his dress, and roses have miraculously surrounded him. Where did Sougo suddenly get the sparkles and roses? (This is only an illusion, right?)

Kondo's hand brushes Sougo's hair as the pair of cat ears is attached. (Hey, Sougo, why don't you let me attach those ears?) More sparkles and roses encircle Sougo as he turns to me, and damn it, I can't say anything when those stupid compelling eyes are staring at me. However, I'm glad that my lips are glued shut because do I really want to shout "MOE"?

Just look away, Toushi, just look away. I manage to tear my gaze from Sougo and force my eyes on the tatami mat.

"Now Toushi, Sougo, your mission is to attend a Loveless cosplay event in which cat ears and costumes are essential in order to blend in with the crowd. The shogun will be attending the event as well, and he has requested you to be his bodyguards just in case someone plans to attack him."

Great, I'm going to be stuck in a cosplay convention, chained to this sadistic Hello Kitty, and I don't even know what this Loveless thing is. It's probably a really depressing anime. Why else does it have that name, and why do we need to wear these ridiculous cat ears? Wait, Loveless and cat ears? Is it that boy-love anime with cat people roaming about? The one where people shed their cat ears when they lose their virginity? What the hell did I just agree to?

"Kondo-san, can't we just wear our uniforms?" Sougo asks, raising a good point, but still probably not aware of his own predicament.

"No, the Shogun thinks that the presence of Shinsengumi members might pose fear to the people attending the event, so you need to pretend that you're only coming because you want to attend the event, not because you need to guard the Shogun." Kondo locks the handcuffs, placing the key in his pocket. "Got it?"

I nod, still forcing myself to somehow find the patterns on the tatami mat intriguing. Why is the Shogun even attending this event?

Kondo gives us a shove, breaking my concentration on the floor and causing my ears to sense a peculiar warmth as I get another glimpse of the Sadistic (Yet Sexy) Princess. Kondo laughs. "Now off you go! Good luck, you two!"


Author's notes

To Scarabrough:

Thank you so much for being honest with me about the references to other anime because I initially feared that I would not successfully imitate Sorachi's humorous allusions to numerous anime. I understand that you want me to remove all of the anime references, but I'm afraid that I can only partly fulfill your request because I still wish to try echoing Sorachi's comical allusions in order to capture that Gintama flavor. Plus, I cannot remove all of the references since this story is an alternate version of my other story, Torture Days, which contains numerous anime references. However, I shall make sure to limit the number of anime references as much as possible, and I shall strive to make these references more humorous so that they're not bothersome.

To the readers:

Thanks for reading this chapter!