Alexander & Jane: Interlude – Chapter 4
She went limp, her entire body numb and spent from the sheer force of her release. Every muscle in her body, which had all been so taut and tense for the better half of a day, were now all relaxed and loose. Her body was so slack that she couldn't even hold herself up anymore, so she let him. She let him hold her, keeping her in place against his chest so that she wouldn't tumble down.
Kate couldn't care less about the precarious position they were in, the edge of the desk was barely enough to keep them from collapsing on the floor of his office, tangled in sweaty limbs and panting breaths, their bodies heaving and trembling from the awesome heights of euphoria that were produced from their mutual desire and need to give their all to each other.
So, she let him hold her. Why? She really couldn't say. Sure, it brought her some small comfort, yes, but it also made her feel weak and pathetic that she actually needed him like she did. Involuntarily, she curled further into him, silently loving and hating the fact that their bodies were still connected in that most intimate of ways.
Part of her felt guilty for just taking him like she had. She'd probably just confused the hell out of him, sending him mixed signals. At the hospital, she'd yelled at him, all but saying that they were going to take a break from this sort of thing until she'd had some time to think about what he'd done.
Yet now… now she'd just completely contradicted herself by showing up at his home and practically forcing him into having rough sex on top of his desk. Though… he hadn't complained, had he? No, of course not. He wouldn't. He was a red-blooded male. No man would have refused a woman such as her when she'd been as aggressive and demanding in wanting him, as she'd been earlier.
Kate narrowed her eyes, staring blindly at the pulsing vein along the side of his neck, allowing her concentration to shift away from her own failings and towards him. She breathed in his scent, musky and male, and so very him. Her eyes closed and she sighed, unable to stop the flutter in her chest as she recalled past rendezvous in the night: Him sneaking into her off-campus housing, waking her roomies as they did deliciously wicked things to each other, whispered words of adoration and awe as she snuggled into him in a post-lovemaking bliss, his hand stroking up and down her bare back as he sighed 'You're the most amazing woman I've ever known, Jane' over and over again.
A tight knot formed in her stomach as she recalled those evenings and how he'd murmured such tender and loving sentiments all the while calling her by the false name she'd given him and neglected to correct. She still felt some guilt over deceiving him like that, and some shame over her reaction to finding out that he'd kept his true name from her as well. But had he kept his true self from her? No… she didn't think so. When Alexander was with Jane, they both had been themselves… no matter the name that had been used.
But now the additional baggage that each brought to the table only served to further compound things. She longed for those simpler times, when she was Jane and he was Alexander, and they just were together and nothing else mattered. Thinking such things were futile and a waste of time. She needed to be in the present and accept the consequences of her actions.
It didn't help that he kept soothingly rubbing her back while also murmuring sweet reassuring nothings into her ear, and occasionally dropping a light kiss onto the top of her head.
"I'm here, Kate. I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere."
He… he just couldn't say things like that after what he'd done. It… it wasn't fair. It made it harder on her to stay mad at him. But still, despite how incredibly stupid he'd been, she knew he loved her. She knew. She didn't doubt that. She just doubted… other things. Heaving in a deep breath, she released a sigh, knowing it was probably time to pull herself together and offer up some explanations.
Anxiety coiled tightly in the pit of her stomach as Kate bit her lower lip and eased herself off his chest. She immediately missed the comforting warmth of his skin, which only made her more conflicted and perplexed by her own actions. Risking a glance at his face, she gazed up at him with a somewhat apprehensive expression. She had no clue where to begin to explain her present state of mind.
Castle tilted his neck and looked down at her, his lips tugging upwards in a faint hesitant smile. His eyes were wide and questioning. Good, she thought, he's just as confused and nervous as I am. Kate parted her lips, intent on speaking, but her throat was dry and raw from their recent strenuous—albeit still highly pleasurable—activities. He quirked up an eyebrow, and for a moment she thought he was going to offer to get her something to drink. If he did, she'd refuse. Clearing her throat, she set her brow and glared at him.
"I'm still mad at you," Kate stated flatly, her voice coarse and rough, but decidedly firm and calm, which pleased her. It wasn't what she had originally intended to say first, yet it had still been the first thing to come out of her mouth.
He closed his eyes briefly and released a sigh, only to then opened them and gaze at her with too much shrewd understanding in his eyes. "I know," he replied, a smirk tugging at his lips, always cocky. Who the hell did he think he was? Han Solo?
Her nose scrunched up and she frowned at him. He raised an eyebrow in question… or was it in challenge? His eyes sparkled in a way that made her realize he was probably thinking, you really don't know how adorable you are when you do that? Do you? She squinted her eyes at him and he swallowed slowly, as if readjusting his unspoken thoughts.
"Um… Kate?" he questioned tentatively, his warm breath dancing across her face. She froze… suddenly noticing a smell that she'd somehow missed out on earlier. She cautiously licked her lips and groaned in disappointment when she could still taste the lingering bite of something all too familiar.
"Have you been drinking?" she asked, leaning closer to him as she took a cautious sniff of the air around them.
"I… um…," Castle lowered his eyebrows in confusion, maybe shame; she couldn't really tell when he wasn't looking directly at her. "Why do you ask?"
"I can smell it on your breath," Kate informed him, tilting her head slightly to give him another little glare. He knew very well she had issues about turning to the numbing effects of alcohol during times of stress. Hell, even she'd been tempted after what happened in the hospital, but she had refrained from doing so, drinking tea and taking a bath, which had helped somewhat. That stress and frustration she'd had pent up from their fight from earlier had only begun to fade after she'd stormed into the loft and jumped Castle's bones.
And from the expression on his face at the moment, she had a feeling that it had had a similar impact on him as well, with the addition of maybe also sobering him up.
He sighed in defeat, tightening his hold around her waist, keeping her planted on his lap, as if he was afraid she'd bolt at any moment. It was also an attempt on his part to contain her volatile reaction to the truth of his weakness.
"Can you blame me?"
"It's not healthy," she asserted, hiding her face in his chest, and closing her eyes against the welling up of tears. She didn't want him to see her cry. He didn't deserve to see that. Not right now. Not after what he'd done.
God… her emotions were running out of control. She was so conflicted. She was still so angry and disappointed in him, yet at the same time, she deeply cared about him and she hated seeing him attempt to drown his sorrows in alcohol. Her father had tried that after her mother had died, and it had nearly destroyed not only her relationship with him, but himself as well. She did not want to see that happen to Castle, no matter how mad she was at him.
Kate took in a shaky breath, attempting to restore order over her conflicting emotions. This had to stop. She had to regain control over herself and her actions. There had to be some sort of rational justification for what she'd just done. She'd been stressed and had needed something to help ease that stress. Yet that didn't mean she had to then fall into his arms and have rough angry—and admittedly hot—sex with Castle to find that release. Did it? In the past, whenever she'd needed sexual release, Kate had always been able to find it with a bath and the skillful use of a vibrator, her fingers, and—quite embarrassingly—a cardboard cutout of her favorite mystery author.
So… following those methods, if that had worked in the past, her bath this evening, which had included a quick session with her fingers, should have been enough… but damn it… it hadn't.
Growling in frustration, more at herself than him, Kate abruptly lifted her hips, pushing up with her knees, severing their connection. She wiggled out of her grasp, and shoved herself away from him. Yet despite her determination and firm resolve to put some physical distance between them—at least for the moment, she still groaned in displeasure at the loss of intimacy as she slipped off his lap.
"Kate?" he bleated out her name like a lost and forlorn sheep. And there it was. The pout. The infamous pout.
She huffed, blowing some strands of her hair away from her eyes, and fixed him with a glare, letting him know that it wasn't going to work this time. God… him and his pouts. It was his secret weapon when dealing with her more stubborn temperaments. She knew that. She'd seen him pull it out in every context. A smile tugged at her lips as he gulped, losing his nerve under her glare. She watched his Adam's apple bob as he averted his eyes, a blush beginning to stain his neck.
Shaking her head, Kate spun around and hunted for her jeans. Thankfully they weren't that far, having pooled on the floor where she'd stripped them off. Without preamble, as she'd gone commando (which she knew Castle probably thought was utterly hot), Kate tugged her jeans up her long legs and locked the button back in place. She paused for a moment to straighten her blouse and rein in her pounding heart while also bending down to slip her black flats back on feet.
When she turned back around, Castle was finishing the task of tugging his pants back up, and refastening his belt. She swallowed and pursed her lips, crossing her arms over her chest as she watched him worked as quickly as he could with fumbling fingers at buttoning up his shirt. Trying not to stare, Kate endeavored to put herself into a determined stance, with straight posture, controlled and resolute.
"So, Beckett, what exactly was this…?" he gestured between them. She noticed he made a point of calling her by her last name, which she was actually grateful for.
"Sex," she answered immediately, without much thinking involved.
"I know what it was!" he glowered at her, his nostrils flaring. "I'm asking why?"
Why indeed? She was asking herself that very same question. He let out a long exhale and raked his fingers through his mussed hair. Kate had to bite her lip to prevent herself from smiling at the sight. He was just so cute sometimes, especially when his brown locks were all tousled and messy.
Castle shook his head and let out a frustrated huff. He pushed off the edge of his desk and walked around it, purposefully turning his back to her. Kate watched the tense line of his shoulders and couldn't help but think that maybe their round hadn't relieved any stress at all, but only generated more.
"Look, you're angry, I get that," he said, looking back at her, his blue eyes displaying both understanding and confusion. "But I don't get what we're doing now. I…," his voice caught for a moment. He swallowed past it, and steeled her with a hard look. "I thought you wanted to take a break, take some time to… 'process things'. You said you'd call when you were ready to talk."
She nodded, not knowing how else she could respond to that. Back in the hospital and when she'd gotten home, that was what the plan had been. Somewhere along the line, it had changed and she had wanted something more. Honestly, she was still shocked at what she'd picked to deal with the stress.
"So are you ready then? To talk?"
"No," she shook her head, then sighed, running her fingers through her hair and stepping back to lean against the doorframe, needing as much space between them as possible, yet still remaining close enough so she didn't have to raise her voice for him to hear her. "I'm not ready to forgive and forget. I… I just needed—"
"Sex," he snapped, his tone biting, making her flush with shame.
Kate averted her eyes, and shrugged. "I don't know, really… I just, um… just acted on impulse. I wasn't really thinking." Which was something very rare for her. She was usually so meticulous in her decision making. She rarely acted on impulse. Perhaps Castle reopening her mother's case had caused her to revert back to her past coping mechanisms from her youth.
He sighed, his shoulders slumping in defeat. "I thought as much," he replied. "Well, at least I can take some solace in the fact that you came to me for sex and not… not some—"
"I wouldn't," she asserted, cutting him off, not wanting to even hear that. She may have fallen back on her youthful reactions to grief and heartache, but she would never do that. Never. She locked eyes with him, wanting to make this crystal clear, knowing his own issues.
Back when she was Jane and he was Alexander, he had told her that Meredith had cheated on him when Alexis was still little. He'd recently divorced the red-haired actress before they had met in that club all those years ago. It almost felt like it had just been yesterday that she had spied him looking across the bar at her with big soulful eyes, sad and raw, and so very real. They'd had an instant connection the moment their eyes had met; a connection that she hoped could stand the test of time and distance.
Kate licked her lips and looked up at him, desperately wanting him to understand this one point, because his insecurities over not being enough stemmed deep and were long lasting. It was something she had hoped had dissipated over the years, but evidently it hadn't. And, for just that alone, Kate hated Meredith just a little bit. How could that woman do that to this man, who loved with his whole heart and being? Then again, Kate had done something just as painful. She'd left him back then, after discovering his real identity, and had been too afraid and hurt to confront him about it.
"I may be mad with you at the moment," she said, purposely looking him in the eye, "but I would never do that to you. Never. You've got to believe me." She was not Meredith. And she wanted him to know that.
Castle stared at length before conceding with a nod. "Yeah, I know."
He didn't sound entirely convinced. Hell, she didn't even know if she was. Kate was already concerned with what appeared to be a regress into her semi-wild and uncontrolled behavior after her mother had been killed, where she'd tried to lose herself in mindless sex with strangers. Back then she had thought that it would have been life affirming, being with another in the most physically intimate way possible, but she had been wrong. It had had the opposite effect. She'd felt dirty and pathetic, an empty shell of a human being.
During that time in her life, she had only ever felt that affirmation of life—and love—when Alexander Rodgers had waltzed into her life and claimed her heart. He had been her salvation. And now here they stood again, on the precipice of maybe letting everything fall away.
God, everything was just so frustratingly complicated. She loved him, of that she had no doubt. But this thing with her mother's case, it was almost unforgivable. Yet, at the same time, she'd already wasted nine years of their lives trying to hide and run away. Kate didn't want to do that again, no matter how pissed she was at him. She did not want him out of her life. She never did… never would.
"Castle, I… I'm sorry, okay," she said, feeling the need to apologize, even if he still hadn't. She wondered if things would be different right now if he had apologized back at the hospital, and that instead of having mindless angry sex on the hard edge of his desk, they'd be making love with the soft silky sheets of his bed surrounding them. She glanced to the left, looking through the opening between the shelves towards the bedroom. Sighing in resignation, she pulled her eyes away from what could have been and focused on the present. "I shouldn't have come over and put this on you."
"I'm not complaining," he interjected softly, his fingers playing across the desktop, as if he was itching to tidy things up from the mess they'd created, both figuratively and literally. "I'm just… confused."
"I know," Kate answered with a bob of her head, bringing her hands up in a show of supplication. "And honestly, I wish I could answer your questions, but right now… I just don't know what is going through my head. I'm still so angry at—"
"You made that point abundantly clear at the hospital," Castle interrupted, his brow set low, his eyes hard as stone.
She narrowed her eyes, annoyed at his tone. "Yeah, well…," she nodded. "Just… I just don't want you to read too much into tonight. It was just sex."
"Hot angry sex," he added with a smirk.
Kate couldn't help herself, and returned his wiry grin with one of her own. "Yeah, it was, wasn't it?"
"Yeah," he agreed, his eyes softening for a moment, the love bleeding through.
She allowed it to seep over her for a second, before she clamped down on the feeling and pushed it aside. She needed to remain focus. Kate briefly contemplated opening up to him a little more, revealing that she was scared she was teetering towards reverting to past coping mechanisms for when life seemed so bleak and useless. But she held her tongue, not wanting to give away everything, not just yet.
However, upon further review, Kate remembered that she had already confessed that part of her past to him. She'd done it on their first date, no less. It had been a surprise to her when he hadn't judged her for her reckless sexual behavior. And she had been even more stunned when his desire for her hadn't wane, knowing what he then knew about her sexual past. In her own words, she'd been a slut, and she'd been ashamed of it. But he had still wanted her, and that had brightened her world back then. It had been something she had sorely needed, and he had given it to her.
But, that had been a long time ago, and she wasn't in the mood to rehash those memories, afraid to damage the already fragile thread between them. Because, no matter how long it took her to forgive him for digging into her mother's case (and for him to apologize, for that matter), she was hoping there could still be a future for them.
Especially considering they had Alex to think about.
Kate did, however, feel the need to offer him something more to explain her behavior. "It's just that… it brought back some old memories," she elaborated, referring to her still heavy grief over the loss of her mother, and then she added, "and emotions."
Castle furrowed his brow for a moment before realization dawned on him. His eyes turned downcast and sorrowful. She watched with curious eyes, wanting to document his responses for later review and analysis. From the tension in his shoulders, it looked like he wanted to reach out to her, but he was holding back, the desk between them helping to prevent him from doing so.
"God, Kate…," he said instead, his voice sincere and regretful, but still no apology came from his lips. "I wasn't thinking. Well, I was… but not about that. I… I just thought I could help and…"
"Please, can we not talk about it now?" she pleaded, looking at him with large watery eyes. The last thing she needed to do at present was dive back into the hollow pain of her mother's death. She still grieved for her, from time to time, but always in private, never with anyone else… not even her father or Alex.
He swallowed and gave a nod, acquiescing to her request.
"Okay."
"Thanks."
Castle only bobbed his head in response, before looking down and crossing his arms over his chest. After an extended period of awkward silence, in which they both made a point of ignoring each other's gazes, he opened his mouth and asked, "So, now what?"
*A slight cliffhanger... the conversation will continue in the next chapter.
