A/N:
.bdobd.
Jim had asked for Pike to comm him after the inauguration ceremonies and give him a quick rundown - the Base's holovid frequencies weren't set up yet, and Jim hadn't wanted to ship out. But the man was so frantic that it took ten minutes of concentrated soothing for Pike to be calm enough to be intelligible.
Things didn't really improve from there.
"Wait, they did what?" Kirk asked incredulously.
Admiral Pick sighed. "The Zedakitians brought two warships to the ceremony." He rubbed at his eyes. "And don't ask me how they got the damn things; no one I've talked to has a clue."
Jim blinked in confusion. "Wait, what do you mean, no clue? You didn't know they had warships?"
Pike was stunned. "You knew they had warships?"
Jim was beginning to get worried. "… Well, yeah. The first thing they did after that stupid gala was take me on a tour of the hangers. How didn't you know about it?"
The older man leaned forward, both palms flat on this desk: "You knew they had warships and didn't tell us? Why didn't you say it on your logs, that's what the damned things are for!"
"I did say it on my logs! If you'd've seen them, you'd've known!"
An apprehensive Federation Council runner - the Council's version of a yeoman - had appeared beside the Admiral, "Admiral Pike, sir, you need to –,"
"For god's sakes, not now!" he snapped, "I'm busy."
The unfortunate underling soldiered on, "Sir, I'm sorry, but the Zedakitians ... they've ordered their ambassadors back to their planet..."
Pike eyes widened and he whirled to face the messenger. "What? When?"
The yeoman flinched, "Just now, sir. They say we've been... ah..." the man looked at the PADD he was carrying, "'too rude to bear', and they want all of their people back on their homeworld."
The admiral glared furiously at Kirk, "Do you know anything about this?"
Offended, Kirk snapped. "No! And you wouldn't think I did if you'd just read the goddamned logs!"
Pike threw up his hands and turned back to the runner. "Well just, what does the Council want me to do about it?"
The man seemed to sink into himself, his eyes flickering between the two fuming superiors. "They want you..." he swallowed and started again, "They want you to call Captain Kirk and convince him to be the temporary Zedakitian ambassador."
"WHAT!" It was Kirk who yelled this time. "How do they expect me to be an ambassador, a Base head, and a Captain? I'm barely doing the two as it is!"
Pike, who'd been doing a truly remarkable impression of a fish, answered him with acid, "Well, seeing as the Enterprise is already at the planet, it won't be very hard after all?"
Jim blinked again. "Wait, what? Why's the Enterprise at 41 Beta?" Spock's reports hadn't been sent yet, and until they got to the base Jim was completely cut off from the ship's news.
Pike clearly didn't believe him. "Oh, spare me. We got annoyed with 41 Beta's government, the Enterprise was sent for 'diplomatic purposes'."
"I thought we were relieved of that mission."
Pike shook his head. "No, no. It happened again. Just now. You were reassigned a half hour ago."
Kirk ground his teeth. "Well, christ, what do you need me for? You've already taken my ship."
"I... don't know." Pike turned to the runner who was still standing awkwardly off to one side. "You. Runner... "
"Neilson, sir."
"Runner Neilson. Why's Kirk needed?"
The man's gaze moved reluctantly to the captain. "The Zedakitians requested him specifically." He looked back to his PADD, "'No Kirk, no deal,' are their exact words. Well, translated. They don't know Standard yet."
The admiral threw Kirk a wry look. "You've gotten pretty popular."
The blond was shocked. "I – I swear sir, I had nothing to do with this. I didn't even know about the ships until you called me."
Pike stared at him a moment longer, then sighed. He turned to the runner. "Dismissed, Neilson."
"Yes, sir." The runner, used to dealing with much older and more politically correct superiors, seemed relieved.
The admiral swiveled back to Kirk, "Amazingly, I do believe you. You love your ship too much to want to be an ambassador." He sighed again and flopped backwards in his chair. "But whatever I think, other people are going to be suspicious.
"We still need you to get down to that planet. If having you there will make these people talk, then they have you. If only for a little while. I'll assign your replacement for the Base head; you don't need to worry about that."
Kirk nodded dumbly, stunned by his sudden luck. "When's the shuttle picking me up?"
"Erm." Pike checked the PADD the yeoman had left. "Tomorrow. 1000 hours. You're going straight to the Enterprise, and beaming down from there."
Jim began to beam. "Really? That's great; I haven't seen her in weeks." He paused for a moment, then: "Who's going to be the new First chair? Anyone know yet?"
"Well, since you don't have a Second chair, that'll be up to a –,"
Jim narrowed his eyes in confusion. "Wait. I have a Second chair."
Pike froze, as if he could somehow undo this unwelcome bit of information by staying very, very still. "When did you get a Second chair?" he asked slowly.
"A few days ago. The reports should be in by now."
The admiral was now frantically scrolling through a PADD. "The only thing I have here is that your mother visited –," his eyes widened. "Kirk, you didn't. You did NOT nominate your mother. Please, please tell me you are not that stupid."
The younger man stiffened. "She's qualified, I can trust her – "
"She's your MOTHER, for god's sakes! Do you know – jesus, you must know – how bad this looks! You come in, get your Mom in, you leave to go play ambassador, she gets her own Base! Fuck, I mean - !"
"I never meant it that way, she's qualified!"
"I know you didn't, it's the rest of the quadrant you need to convince!" Pike groaned and ground himself into his seat's backrest, "How did you expect this to work? There's a plan, there always is with you, you couldn't've done something like this without some expectations..."
"Honestly? I figured if I crammed enough politicians together into one little room, they'd all think I had a plan, and would work around that. And then I could see what they thought I thought I was thinking, and I could just use their crafty plans – the ones they thought I had, that is."
The Admiral looked as though Jim had just admitted he got off on stomping kittens. "You didn't have a plan?"
"No, I had a plan, but it's not my plan, you see. I'm counting on other people thinking I have a plan, if I dohave a plan it'll screw up the entire plan, right?"
Pike just sat, stunned. "Jim. You've doomed us all."
The blond grinned recklessly, "Oh, don't be so morbid. It makes you sound like Bones."
Pike was shaking his head from side to side. "No. You don't get it. We are completely and totally screwed."
Jim flapped a hand nonchalantly. "Nah. It'll work out. It always does."
.bdobd.
Spock wasn't nearly as happy to see Jim as Jim was to see Spock.
"Spock! How ya been?" Kirk was climbing clumsily out from the transport shuttle into the Enterprise's shuttle bay.
"Captain." The hybrid was standing totally still doing his trademarked Vulcan Glare that consisted of stiffening his neck and narrowing his eyes slightly. It was terrifying. "I just finished conversing with the Admiral Pike."
Jim froze in-between the shuttle's last step and the hanger floor, a duffle bag dangling precariously from one shoulder. "Oh. Um. Well. What'd he say?"
Spock walked stiffly over to the blond and took his bag. "He told me that you gave your mother command to the Second Starbase chair without a plan for the easily foreseeable political repercussions."
"Politics really isn't my job though, that's the –," He broke off at the distinct non-expression on the commander's face. "Anyway, that's not quite true. I'd simply planned for more time." He stepped onto the hanger deck and beamed. "Oh, it's good to be back."
The commander nodded formally, "It is pleasant to have you returned to us, Captain."
Jim nodded regally, "I appreciate your restrained approval."
Spock looked as offended as he ever did – not very much. Still, it was there. "Captain. I do not believe I behaved in any manner deserving of insult."
Jim laughed and clapped him on the shoulder, choosing to ignore how Spock stiffened. "Just messing with you."
If Spock were human, he'd have rolled his eyes. As he was not, he merely quirked an eyebrow. "Illogical."
"But quite fun." The blond started towards the hanger door. "When're we to go down to the planet?"
The commander had to speed up slightly to catch up with the enthusiastic human, "We are to attend a conference to day after tomorrow."
"Do we have any information on their culture yet?" He'd turned out of the hanger and was now striding towards the nearest lift
"Yeoman Rand is collecting all data received; her report is due in three hours."
"Excellent." Jim entered the lift, Spock at his heels. "Sickbay."
Spock went still. "Sickbay, Captain? You are needed on the Bridge."
Jim shook his head, "Bones said if I didn't head to Medical first thing he'd order me to strip on the Bridge. I'll only be there a few minutes, you don't have to worry."
The lift halted smoothly as Spock pressed the 'Hold' command on the lift's wall panel. Jim stared at him quizzically. "May I suggest," the commander started slowly, "having a conference with Lieutenant Uhura? She had received a Starfleet transmission three minutes before you landed."
"Priority One?"
"Yes sir."
"Damn. That means they're going to yell at me." The human sighed gustily, "You have the conn until I get to the Bridge," He pressed the 'Hold' command again, and the lift smoothly resumed its motion.
"Yes, sir."
Jim paused momentarily as the lift doors opened, so as to fully enjoy the stunned expressions of the medical team. Everyone knew the Captain never came to Sickbay of his own volition. McCoy must've forced him somehow, but how did he –
"Damnit, Jim, I told you to warn me before you came down," The CMO strode over and whipped out a tricorder, "I don't have a station set up for you yet!"
Jim raised his eyebrows. "You carry a tricorder in your back pocket?"
McCoy was furiously scanning the danger-prone Captain, muttering darkly. "Don't trust those damn Base people, can't tell a cut from a cadaver-"
Kirk peered around the agitated CMO and tapped an intercom unit on the wall, "Uhura, conference room 7."
"Yes, sir," replied the intercom. Jim pivoted to see Spock standing awkwardly just inside the lift.
"Mr. Spock. You have the conn." Kirk motioned for him to get going. The commander nodded once and wordlessly handed over the duffle bag. "Ah. Yes. Thank you." Spock and the lift rose to the Bridge.
Uhura caught it on its way down. When she arrived it was clear that she was fighting to keep from smiling. She was winning the battle right up until the three of them – Bones had followed, bitching mightily – had entered the conference room that adjoined Sickbay.
"Captain, would you like my report before or after your checkup?" she asked as the doors closed, clearly bemused.
The Captain sent her a wry grin. "Now, Lieutenant. Just an outline, skip all of the thee's and thou's."
"Yes, sir." She nodded and sat down at one of the terminals imbedded within the conference table. The report soon began scrolling on the holoscreen in front of her. She winced as she scanned through it. "Damn. Their translations are off a bit, this may sound weird…
"Right. Ok, the Zedakitians have specifically requiem-ed – requested, probably - the presence of the Enterprise and of the – mistake not mine, theirs – of the Captain Kirk to act as the liaisons to the – from the – United Federation of Planets.
"The Captain and a diplomatically – diplomatic - team of no more than three are to beam down to the Planet 41 Beta on the Stardate of 2259.62 at 1300 hours to meet to head of the – to meet with the head of the Zedakitian ambassadorial party." Uhura leaned closer to her screen. "Annddd… warnings from the Council not to screw this up… some 'by the order of's… and… that's all the big stuff, really."
Kirk nodded once, withholding a smile, and moved so that McCoy – who was now roundly cursing every Starbase medical personnel to have ever existed to a painful and everlasting death – was not blocking his view of the Lieutenant. "Send the whole thing over to my chair, I want to read through it personally."
"Yes, sir."
"And Bones," who was now pressing Jim's left shoulder rhythmically between his palms, "I'll come down to Medical for a full review after Alpha shift, alright?"
The Doctor scowled deeply, "Jim, I don't trust those Base doctors, they don't know your quirks, you need to –"
"I need to be on the Bridge. I'll come down after Alpha shift, I swear."
Bones pursed his lips. "Fine. But when you get sick because something's been festering for four hours longer than it should, don't come crying to me."
"Will do." Kirk turned to Uhura, "Are you still on Alpha?"
She shook her head, "Beta, I got off two hours ago."
"Right, I need you on Alpha tomorrow, alright?"
Uhura snapped a slight salute, "Yes, sir."
"Great," Jim waved over his shoulder, "Bye Bones!"
McCoy, who'd turned back to his station grumbling caustically, didn't look up.
.bdobd.
Rand's report was pretty sparse – evidence of how little the almost fanatically thorough woman had had to work with.
The Zedakitians were a humanoid race that had governed by hereditary royalty while in the Cardassian Empire, but when they'd split they'd switched to a single-party system. They were so exasperated by the corruption that had run rampant through their last government that their lower classes were composed of prostitutes, entertainers, merchants, and lobbyists – lower class being defined as 'those who catered to the base desires of unprincipled people' (p. 4 Zedakitian Cultural Review, translated from Zedakitian).
There was, however, an interesting footnote that to the effect that the population still enjoyed the services of the prostitutes, entertainers, merchants, and lobbyists, so, really, all bets were off.
They sounded like pricks to Jim. Spock disagreed. Of course.
"While their current use of a caste system is unfortunate, they have promised to modify their behavior. It is unwise to base your emotional opinion of them on these facts alone."
Spock, Uhura, and he were standing in the transporter room, preparing to beam down to the planet. "But that's logical. I'm basing my opinions on all of the available data."
"I am positing that your perception of the information is wrongly biased. It is your extremely negative connotations with their social structure that I am contesting."
Jim frowned and strapped his holster into place. "The Fed agrees with me. You can't become a member if you use a caste system. That's been in there since the Constitution."
Uhura, who'd been watching the exchange with interest, suddenly broke in. "From what I've seen, the reason people aren't making a fuss is because it's very flexible. You can change your social status really easily."
The captain shook his head. "Yeah, by arguing your case to a board appointed by the Senior Cleric. I've seen the transcripts of those rulings. They're so corrupt it's funny."
Spock almost-frowned at the blond. "I see little of the Terran concepts of humor present in the high levels of corruption on the High Royal Debate Board."
Jim threw the man a thoroughly amused look, "High Royal Debate Board? That's a bit of a mouthful."
Uhura snickered. "Admi-Nistra-Teurs."
Jim blinked. "Administrators?"
Her lips quirked again. "No, Admi-Nistra-Teurs. Admi means high, Nistra is royal intellectuals, Teurs means deliberation committee. It's just one of those meaningless coincidences."
Spock raised an eyebrow. "Interesting."
Jim smiled, "We ready?" Nods all around. "Then let's go. Scotty?"
The Chief Engineer answered in his trademark almost-impenetrable Scottish accent. "Aye, Keptan, weh're ready. Ah'll be beamin' the translator's down in a few minutes, theh're too fussy to go down wi' you ahll."
The threesome stepped onto the transporter pad. "Energize."
The team appeared inside one of the larger government buildings. A small group of dusky purple bipeds were waiting anxiously off in one corner. Jim leaned over to Spock, "Was there supposed to be a welcoming party?"
Spock seemed almost-concerned, "Negative, Captain. We were to be allowed time to privately converse before meeting with any statesmen."
The team of Zedakites suddenly loped towards the Starfleet officers and faced Kirk. Bowing deeply, the aliens spoke quietly in a language that sounded like they were attempting to sing around a mouthful of water.
Jim turned awkwardly to Uhura, "You have any idea what they're saying?" They'd planned for the translators to ease the way; the Lieutenant had had only a week to get a hold on the language; that wasn't nearly enough time…
She looked from him to the purple hominoids, who hadn't risen. Nibbling her lower lip, she hesitantly responded. "I can get the gist, but nothing really specific without the translators for some of the nouns…"
Kirk looked at their hosts. The fact that their knee joints were about a foot behind their pelvis made it a bit harder to concentrate – Zedakitian legs were built backwards, like flamingos. "Do what you can."
Uhura stepped forward and addressed the group. Her accent was clearly off, she sounded like she was stuttering – it was probably her stopping in the middle of sentences and restructuring them to avoid unknown verbs.
The apparent head of the party straightened abruptly, his legs snapping out from beneath him. He directed some sort of an angry comment at the Lieutenant.
She turned back to Kirk. "He wants to know why I'm the one talking to him, not you, Captain. It's an insult to be addressed by a subordinate, apparently."
Kirk's jaw clenched. "Tell him that we didn't have adequate information to prepare for this meeting, and that your words are mine."
The Lieutenant swung back to the now-irritated group – all standing – and started stuttering again, translating the leader's response out of the corner of her mouth over her shoulder.
"He asks if the one possessing height – that's probably you, Commander – knows the language." Jim opened his mouth to respond angrily, then closed it again, turning to Spock.
"Do you know Zedakitian?" Spock tilted his head slightly to the left, the Vulcan equivalent of a wishy-washy symbol.
"I have the basic knowledge of the tongue. With the translator's assistance I am fully fluent." He paused. "I believe that hearing more dialogue will greatly aid my study."
Kirk turned back to the Lieutenant. "Tell them yes, he will be in three minutes."
She quickly complied, and Kirk savored the confused looks of the natives. One of them piped up with a query that was hurriedly translated, "They want to know, when the Commander becomes able to speak of the world – becomes fluent – if he will be able to negotiate, instead of me." Her mouth twisted. "They find me unworthy."
The Captain's planned furious denial was cut off by the arrival of the translators in a sudden, relieving swirl of bronze light. The lieutenant all but lunged for one of them.
There hadn't seemed any reason for a third device. Kirk was going to be accompanied by either the Head Communications Officer or the teacher of the Head Communications Officer, so there had been no reason to pack and ear bud for Jim.
Uhura already had hers screwed into place and motioned for the Zedakitians to again begin speaking. "They say…," her eyes widened, "oh, whoops. They're not asking for me to be absent from negotiations. They want you to give them advice."
"On what? Why do they want advice from me? There've been political slimeballs all over this place for the last five months; why didn't they ask them?"
"They say…," she paused again, "as you are on the Board of Administrators, you will be in the best position to give assistance."
"What board?"
It was the commander who spoke now, "They are most likely referring to your recent service aboard Starbase XI, Captain."
"Ah." Kirk pivoted back to the lieutenant, "Tell them I'll be happy to help, but only after I've talked to the government's official liaisons."
Uhura started stuttering away, but before she'd finished the leader had broken in – rudely – and she stopped to convert it. "Sir, they say they are the official contacts. The subjects this group wants to discuss are the government is having troubles with."
"Confirmation?" The Lieutenant rotated to question the leader. He produced a badge from an inside pocket of his uniform and brandished it proudly.
Spock stepped forward and anticlimactically began scanning the ornate metal disk. "His identification is valid, Captain." The leader, clearly piqued, thrust the badge back into his pocket.
Kirk nodded, "Alright then, where are we to talk? Not here, I'm assuming."
The disgruntled leader nodded after Uhura had finished. "You're to follow them, he says," she said.
Kirk was opening his mouth to consent when Spock started in, "Captain, it is unwise to attend an unscheduled meeting in an unknown area with unknown participants without security personnel."
The blond nodded. "You're right. Uhura. We'll follow, as will the three security crew who're beaming down now." He flipped open his communicator and began ordering a guard team to be transported as the leader began to sing furiously.
"He says no more are allowed sir – "
"Tell 'em that they can deal. More are coming."
The leader, hearing this converted, threw up his hands and sent one of his minionsscurrying down one of the chamber's adjoining hallways, presumably to warn any ambassadors that the guests were bringing guests.
"The leader says to warn you… that as a precaution either all of the proceedings will be conducted in Zedakitian, or the security team will be put behind ClearShot."
ClearShot was a transparent, soundproof material that phasers could fire through. It was popping up everywhere; Security loved the stuff.
"Allow the ClearShot," Kirk said, distracted, as the security crew beamed down. When everyone had assembled, the Captain returned his attention to the liaisons. "Very good then. Mr. Spock, can you translate if anything…"
The Vulcan nodded. "I am passable, Captain. I will improve with time."
The newly beamed Enterprise crewmen were checking that their weapons were set to the correct levels. "Excellent." Kirk pivoted to face Uhura, "Tell them that we're ready when they are."
The natives, upon hearing this translated, motioned down the hallway the minion guy had just sprinted down. The expanded Enterprise party started in the indicated direction, but were stopped by the leader, who started singing at Uhura again.
"They say…, " she frowned, "They want me taken back to my residence – the ship. They say I am no longer of use."
Kirk fought the urge to kick the leader and just glared at him instead. Then he looked back to Uhura and sighed. "It'd be best if you went back to the Enterprise. The Commander can take over from here."
The Lieutenant clearly wasn't happy, but obediently commed Scotty and was beamed back up.
The Starfleet complement then – finally – followed the Zedakitians down the hall.
.bdobd.
