AN: sorry this took a little longer to post. I've had exams to revise for and crap. But whatever, you don't care. I don't know what you're going to think of this. it's a little different. Its more deadpan and kinda depressing if I'm being honest. But I hope you all understand why I've done what I have with this story. Sorry to disappoint some of you. Oh, and I just wanna thank without spaces so much for flattering me with great reviews. Literally, you make me smile for hours dude. (READ HER STUFF; ITS FUCKING AMAZING) So, yeah, I hope you enjoy this. I love you all so much for your reviews. You're all too sweet for me. I swear.

She couldn't believe time had gone so fast. She couldn't believe she had one day to wait. She couldn't believe it was happening tomorrow. It always feels like time goes faster when you wish it would slow down. She'd barely recognized herself these past few days. She'd left the house as little as possible, she couldn't sleep and she'd barely eaten. She hadn't wanted to talk to anyone; Zac especially. She didn't want him to see her like this. She'd ignored his calls and when he'd come over to see her, she'd pretended to be asleep so he didn't stay long. She was so scared…

3am. She knew she should be sleeping but instead she sat in the living room, in the middle of the couch hugging her legs to her chest. There wasn't a single light on and all the curtains were closed. Her tears had long since subsided. All that was left inside her now was hate. Hate and resentment and guilt. For no one, no one but herself. Yesterday had passed by in a blur. Going to the hospital, returning home and sitting motionless on the couch. She had never hated anyone as much as she hated herself right now…

She felt Zac holding her hand tightly, pulling her across the parking lot to the car away from the flashbulbs of the press, but she didn't register anything. She didn't know how her legs kept walking, she didn't know how she stopped the tears from falling. She knew Zac was talking to her but she didn't hear what he was saying. She felt herself sit in the car and fasten her seatbelt but the ride home was invisible. She didn't speak, though she knew she was being spoken to. She wondered why the car had stopped before realising they were home. Something snapped her out of her dormant state.

"Go home Zac," she simply said, picking up her purse.

"But baby I-"

"Go home. Just leave me alone,"

She got out the car and headed into her house. She threw her purse down on the kitchen floor, closed the drapes in the window and walked into the living room.

She sat down on the couch. The house was deadly silent. Usually, silence bothered her, as did being by herself. She liked to have someone with her and she hated silences. But today was different. She relished in the silence and welcomed being alone. She wasn't sure when she began to cry but by the time she realised, her cheeks were already completely tear stained. She didn't bother to wipe her tears away and she didn't make a sound. She just sat, silently, as an ocean poured from her eyes…

She stopped the memory from playing in her head again. Before she'd realised what she'd done, her hands cradled her stomach where only hours ago, her baby had been. Her baby. Her baby that had been taken from her while she'd laid there and let it happen. She'd never regretted anything more in her life. She hated herself so much…

Before she knew it, it was morning, The humming birds sang, the sun began to shine and light began to flood the room through the curtains. She'd fallen asleep but she didn't remember when. It couldn't have been long ago as it was only 6:30am now. Lifting her head up from the arm of the couch, the hate returned deep within her. She didn't try to push the thought away; she deserved it. She deserved to suffer.

Suddenly, she heard a key in the door. The only other person who had a key to her house was Zac; the last person she wanted to see. She stood up quickly, aiming to get him to leave, but she felt extremely light headed. Blue and green orbs danced in front of her eyes and her stomach nauseated. She was sure she was going to pass out and she felt the floor move closer to her. Just in time she was caught fro behind.

"Vanessa?" It was Zac, of course.

She wanted to push him away and yell at him to leave but her head was violently spinning and her legs buckled under her.

"Baby?" Zac asked, clearly worried.

"Catch me," she mumbled, letting her legs collapse. She closed her eyes and tried to make this awful feeling go away. He sat her down gently on the couch and held her hand. She laid down and prayed for her head to clear.

"Nessa? You're scaring me baby, talk to me,"

"I'm fine. Give me a second," she managed to say.

Her second was a long one but Zac didn't ask her anymore questions. He just sat on the floor by the couch holding her hand, stroking the top of it with his thumb. Finally, the ringing in her ears subsided and her vision returned to normal.

"Sorry," she whispered.

"Sorry! You scared the hell outta me baby,"

"I know. I'm sorry,"

He sighed.

"I've been trying to call you,"

"I know,"

"Why didn't you pick up baby?"

Vanessa shrugged.

"I didn't want to talk to you,"

"Why baby?"

"I just didn't okay? I still don't. Just go," she said, raising her voice.

"Sweetheart…"

"Don't Zac. Just don't. I said I don't want to talk to you so leave me the fuck alone,"

She sat up and snatched her hand away.

"Vanessa…" Hurt flashed in his eyes. But Vanessa couldn't stop the words tumbling from her guilty mouth.

"This, is your fault! Its all your fault! Its all your fucking fault! You made me do this! You made me believe I had no other choice! I had another choice! Of course there was another choice! But no, I did what you said like a fucking idiot and now look! I let them take my baby Zac! I let them kill my baby! My baby! Do you know how that feels? Do you know how much I hate myself? I could walk to the kitchen right now, take a knife and end everything! That's how much I hate myself Zac. And its all your fault! I hate this. I hate me and I fucking hate you!" She screamed the last three words and fled the room, hurrying up the stairs to her room as fast as she could. She locked the door and threw herself on the bed, pulling the pillow over her face as tightly as she could. Hot, angry tears flew down her cheeks. Her fists clenched and her teeth gritted together. She screamed furiously into the pillow before standing up quickly. Before she realised what she was doing her hand swept across the shelf, sending photographs and awards and other sentimental objects crashing to the ground, the glass from the frames smashing as it collided with the hard wooden floor. She tore the comforter from the bed, ripping the fabric with her nails. She swung at the pictures on the walls, knocking them to the floor. She ran to the closet and ripped almost every item from its hanger, tossing it onto the floor. She kicked hard at the full length mirror, smashing the glass into tiny fragments, blanketing the floor with jagged shards. She sobbed heavily, over and over, barely able to catch her breath. She fell to the floor, clutching her chest, crying harder than she'd ever before. She'd never been this crazy, this violent, this distraught in her entire life. She sobbed loudly, hitting her head against the wall over and over. Amidst all this, she hadn't heard Zac follow her upstairs. She didn't hear him approach her. She only realised when she was pulled into his arms.

"Don't!" she screamed, hitting him, trying to make him go away. She punched his chest, scratched at his arms, trying to stop them from winding around her. She fought hard before something inside her changed. She stopped fighting and gave in, letting him hold her in his arms. She wept against his chest, soaking his shirt.

"Ssssh," he whispered, over and over.

"Zac, I'm s-s-ssorry," she sobbed.

"Its okay baby, its okay. I'm here now. I got you," he pulled her tighter towards him. She buried her face into his neck and stayed there until her crying subsided.

"Zac, I'm s-" he cut her off.

"Its okay Ness, its really okay,"

"No. Let me speak. I need to apologise. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean a thing I said baby. I really didn't. I was just angry and upset and you were just there and I just… I couldn't… I don't…" she stopped. She didn't know what else to say.

"Its okay sweetheart. Honestly, its okay,"

"No. Its not okay. Its far from okay. I was a complete bitch! I was so selfish. I know how hard this must be for you too and all I thought about was myself. I'm so sorry. I don't deserve you. I'm so sorry Zac,"

He smiled and hugged her tighter still.

"Be quiet you silly girl. Its okay! I forgive you. I know you're just upset. I know you're angry. I know that. Its okay. I promise you,"

Vanessa kissed his cheek softly.

"I don't forgive me," she said.

"Baby, please don't hate yourself. Its not your fault. There's really nothing else you could have done. Believe me please,"

She looked down.

"Nessa, please,"

"I'm sorry okay? I cant believe you. I just cant,"

He took her face in his hands.

"Nobody blames you baby. Nobody. It was for the best. It was to protect us, to protect you. Isn't that what you want?"

"Of course that's what I want. I just didn't think it would have to be like this. I never thought I'd have to become a fucking murderer,"

Hurt washed through Zac's eyes. Vanessa saw it and it scared her.

"Don't say that," he whispered.

"Why not? it's the truth," she said.

"Don't say that Vanessa,"

"I'm sorry. I just…" she stopped.

"Don't be. It just… It breaks my heart when you say that baby,"

"Why?"

"Because, its not true. Its really not,"

Vanessa didn't answer him. She looked down again.

"I hate myself Zac," she whispered.

"Vanessa, please,"

When she looked back up at him again, tears were in his eyes.

"Baby, I'm sorry!" she said quickly, stroking his cheek with her right hand. "I didn't mean to, I'm sorry. Please don't cry. I cant bear it if I've made you cry, I'm sorry,"

"This breaks my heart Nessa. Literally. Seeing you like this and knowing that its partly my fault is killing me. I cant be the reason you're hating yourself so much. I just cant. Please just don't," A tear trickled down his cheek. Vanessa caught it with her forefinger.

"Its not! Baby, its not your fault! I told you its not your fault! God, I'm so sorry. Please don't be sad, please. I'm so sorry baby. I love you so much, don't cry please," She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him closer to her, hugging him as tight as she could. He hugged her tightly back.

"I love you too," he whispered into her ear.

"Its gonna be okay y'know?" she said, quoting his exact words from that day they spent at the beach.

"I know," he quoted back.

"We have each other remember? And that's all that matters now," she whispered.

He looked into her eyes.

"Forever," he whispered back.