[ A/N: Some scenes in this chapter have been inspired by two fics by LadieLazarus called Mid-Life Crisis and Last Call. I found her settings so perfect for what I had in mind myself, I couldn't resist placing them here. So tip of the hat to you, milady! :P]

I never really became much of a pilot, unlike my father or grandfather before me, or even my mother. But strangely enough, I felt most relaxed in and around ships. I would still spend time with the aging pilots, as often as Jedi missions permitted. Uncle Han and I remained close as ever, more than a father and more than a son in each other's estimation. As for Dad, the loss of Mom made us fiercely protective towards each other as we inwardly vowed never ever to lose the other the way we had lost her.

The drinking and partying and reckless driving ran their course and I eventually outgrew them all. But the women were another matter. I had never pictured myself as a playboy, I had always been shy as a child, but I found the persona suited me. I dated infrequently, formed relationships even less, but casual sex was par for the course. I paid attention to my physique and appearance, even as a Jedi, and was rewarded with the unabashed attention of the ladies. The shyness of my childhood and the brash recklessness of adolescence came to be replaced by a charming confidence, bordering on the arrogant. The influences of Wes Janson, my uncle, Han Solo, and particularly choice advice from Lando Calrissian were much in evidence. Add to that calm Jedi composure, and you'd get a fair idea of my methods. I had become a hunter like my mother. I stayed silent and preferred to remain unobserved, but when I made my move, I could make every word, every gesture count.

Love hurts. This I had learnt at a remarkably early age. When it hurt so much and so deeply to be constantly separated from the two people you loved most in the entire universe. It was a pain that was to become a constant in most of our lives. Wars never ended. Neither did the call of duty. We snatched our few moments of family togetherness in the face of ceaseless committments. Love hurt when the man I near-worshipped as a mentor and older brother turned against everything I had ever held sacred, against the Force, against family, against love… against me! Love hurt the worst when the one person I had ever loved above everything and everyone was ripped away from me by aforesaid "brother". Love continued to hurt, every time I saw those I loved or cared about hurt by love. There was only one woman whom I realized I was not afraid to love. But then, she hurt me too.

Relationships often baffled me. I learnt a lot of what NOT to do in a relationship watching my cousin sister Jaina battle out her issues with her various suitors, principally Jagged Fel. I'd always liked Jag best of all her boyfriends. I'd never understood how Master Kyp Durron and she had ever hooked up. I would never have thought them to be suited for each other. Neither had I ever quite taken to Zekk. I mean, he was fine, as a guy, I guess, but honestly, Jag was the only one I'd ever felt had a chance of making a long term relationship work with Jaina. All that she'd been through in her life had moulded her into who she was and that was someone I had often felt in awe of, much like Jacen. Jag was the only one with a past as chequered and emotionally ambiguous as hers, plus he was a pilot. Jaina could never have truly fallen for someone who didn't feel for starships the way she or her dad did. And the fact that he was a non-Force sensitive only added to my appreciation of him as an eventual brother-in-law. But I'd seen what he'd done for her. I'd seen how he'd weathered the emotional storms Jaina had been through and put him through. I knew how hard it was to accept someone's committment to duty as a rival to their commitment to you. My respect and sympathy for him had only grown with time. A few times I had been there in the hangars too when they'd thought they were alone, having hard, emotional arguments, fighting for some time to spend together as a couple. I'd felt the torrent of their feelings in the Force. I'd heard Jag once or twice literally beg Jaina to give them one more chance, that he'd do all it took to keep them together. And my heart had bled for them. I'd wanted to knock Jen's obstinate head against the wall! I could well relate to the way he felt. As a child, I remembered at times begging Mom not to leave again. I also remembered that she still had and how distraught and angry that had always made me feel. I couldn't blame Jen, of course, just like I'd never been able to blame my mother. I knew all too well the nature of her duties. But I still knew what it felt like.

Myri Antilles had also seen her sister traumatized by love. With the destruction of the GA Second Fleet in which Syal Antilles's fiance, Tiom Rordan, had been flying, by Centerpoint Station, Myri had witnessed what love and the loss of it could do to a person. Syal had been devastated, forced to chart out her life alone when she'd had such hopes of joy with another. Myri had watched her beloved sister grieving in shock and had silently sworn never to let love hurt her like that.

We'd all been hurt by love, and we'd all installed our own defences against it.

My story with Myri begins when I was about 15 years old. Of course, she'd known me since childhood. We'd been in Shelter in the Maw together during the Vong War. I had been very young at the time, the youngest child there, under the care of Masters Kam and Tionne Solusar. Her father was a close friend of the family's, a long time comrade of my Dad's, General Wedge Antilles. I'd met Myri off and on over the years, mostly on social occasions, so we'd been friendly enough. But I'd never devoted special attention to her. Last I'd heard of her, she was working undercover on the Errant Venture, gathering intelligence information from its patrons while playing the part of a card-dealer in the casinos onboard. I remember thinking that was pretty cool.

It was during some of their down-time on Coruscant that Wes Janson, Hobbie Klivian, Face Loran, Kell Tainer and Gavin Darklighter suggested a short vacation to the Errant Venture which had briefly docked in the system. I had always wanted to try my hand in a casino, so I jumped at the opportunity to accompany them. When I told Dad, he smiled.
"You were born on the Errant Venture, did you know that?" he said, with a far-away look in his eyes.
"Sure. You and Mom told me that. Can I go then? Please?"

We'd arrived on board the Venture earlier that evening, pumped with anticipation, expecting a night of raucous entertainment. It must have been atleast twelve years since I'd last been on it, but it had still brought a nostalgic smile to my lips. We'd met the Captain and delivered our regards in person. He'd clapped me on the shoulder, smiling broadly through his beard and I'd beamed fondly up at the buff old man. Once we'd all taken a quick shower and changed appropriately, we'd hit the floors. I had to admit, for a bunch of seniors, they still had it in them to take on a young man's world. Gavin and Kell were married with kids, but it was almost like they became different people when they were out with their squadron buddies.

Myri found us out at the bar. She tapped Wes on the shoulder. He turned to her and his whisky sour nearly spilled from his hand. I pushed away the pink daiquiri I'd been sipping on and straightened myself up quickly, trying to look as coolly macho as possible. She was hot! There was no other word for it. She had a slim, petite figure and wore her hair short, pixie style, platinum blonde. I thought it suited her. And she was wearing- whoo!. She was wearing a black shiny skirt which barely grazed mid-thigh with knee length shiny black boots and a glittering deep red halter vest... with nothing underneath! My throat went dry very quickly and suddenly those two sips of daiquiri seemed enough to set the world spinning around me.
"Uncle Wes! I heard you guys were on board from the captain. It's been so long!"
She reached over and hugged him and then proceeded to greet all her "uncles" the same way. They all returned her affections with stunned smiles and varied levels of awkwardness. I saw Wes mouth Wedge. Antilles. Youngest! Daughter! over at Hobbie while he tried to return her enthusiastic hug as platonically as possible. Finally, she reached me. My collar felt like it's temperature had reached a hundred degrees. Her eyes went round when she saw me.
"Ben! " she yipped, "Goodness! You've grown!"
I tried my best imitation of the Solo lopsided smile, but was later told it had come out with less flair than I'd hoped.
"Hey Myri," I said and was alarmed to hear my voice croaking. I hastily cleared my throat.
"You look...amazing!"
She grinned and gave me a mock curtsey.
"Thank you! Hey, what're you doin' later? I get off in a couple of hours. If you can survive the oldsters a while longer, I'd love to show you around!"
The "oldsters" had looked rather indignant at this, but I'd weakly grinned and nodded enthusiastically, my heart beating so loudly I thought she might even have heard it!
"Wow! I'd-I'd really love that, Myri!"
"Cool! So, will I be seeing any of you guys at my table?"
There had been non-committal mutters, so she'd placed her hands on her hips and glared.
"You won't get the odds I give with any of the other dealers, I'll guarantee you that!"
At this Kell and Wes had weakly acquiesced and she'd left with them, but not without a gentle touch to my hand, reminding me of our pending committment.

I spent the next hour or so shifting restlessly on the bar stool, downing my daiquiri and ordering another. I downed that one too and instantly felt better. But I couldn't get comfortable and was beginning to feel terribly impatient. Face and Gavin were checking out girls of several species while Hobbie had disappeared. I made a scant excuse leaving the bar, though I had the distinct impression they were too pre-occupied to notice.

I wandered around, finally discovering Hobbie yelling and pounding on a slot-machine. I grinned to myself, but left the aged pilot to his own devices as all-too colourful curses came pouring out of his mouth. I wandered the corridors, taking in the various attractions of the Red Level, observing different cultures taking part in different raucuous merriments and staring out into the vastness of space through the occasional viewport. It was as good a way to kill time as any. As I circled back to the Hot Streak Casino again, I saw her. She had a small handbag slung over her shoulder and she was chewing her lower lip as she looked from one end of the corridor to the other, as if she were searching for someone. I hurried up to her, surprisingly feeling more at ease and less flushed.
"Looking for someone?"
"Oh, Ben! There you are! Uncle Gavin had absolutely no idea where you'd gone when I asked him."
I smirked.
"Good thing I'm old enough to take care of myself then!"
She raised an eyebrow as an amused smile tugged at her lips.
"Well you better be if you're going to be baby-sat by Rogues!"
I laughed, knowing that was one thing we'd probably had in common.
"So hey," she continued,"You tried your hand at anything yet?"
I shrugged.
"Naw, not yet… Dunno if I should…" I blushed furiously, feeling like a kid in front of her again.
Myri looked at me incredulously.
"You've got to be kidding me! Don't tell me the Rogues didn't teach you any better than that! Betting is like breathing to Wes Janson! Come on!"

I let her grab me by the hand and pull me through the crowds to the most packed arcade on the ship. We had to literally shove our way through the throng of people. I felt a medley of raw emotions churning through the Force within the dim confines of the rather smallish hall we were in. A lot of it was intense competitiveness and greed, even lust. My curiosity at all the frantic shouting and shoving and flailing of fists propelled me towards the centre of the room where, in a giant depression lined with sand, two nexu were circling each other. 'Nexu baiting!' I thought, fascinated. It was an evil sport where men bet on nexu in a fight to the death. I had heard Uncle Han mention it once or twice, but I'd never actually seen a fight in progress before. I was only able to catch a glimpse of the fight before I found my way blocked by the bulky figure of a man.
"Just where do you think you're going, boy?"
I looked up into the face of the Captain, Booster Terrik.

"No!" said Booster Terrik vehemently, wagging a stern finger not even an inch from my face.
"No Jedi play in my casinos. I won't have it. Why, they'd rob the house blind! You don't need luck when you've got the Force! I may be an old man, but even I'm not fool enough to allow a Force-user near my card dealers and roulette tables! It wouldn't be fair to the ordinary folk," he tried to end on a gentler note. I stared at him in dismay. But he meant what he said. Booster Terrik's 'No' stayed a 'No'.

I have to say Myri fought valiantly on my behalf. My throat had gone dry at the fierce glint in Captain Terrik's beetle black eyes. However it had been to no avail. Finally, in a heated temper, Myri had grabbed my hand and stalked off, pulling me weakly protesting behind her. She slowed down as we reached the mess halls, now converted into full-scale food plazas.
"I'm sorry about that, Ben," she said, chewing her lip in obvious embarrassment.
"Hey, it's cool, Myri. No sweat." I replied, discreetly rubbing my wrist. She had a terrifically strong grip.
"I guess my dad wouldn't have wanted me to blow credits on a nexu fight anyway."
She smiled warmly.
"If you had, I doubt you'd have told him anyway."
She had me there. I smiled ruefully.
"But Booster's awfully particular about some things, and it looks like this is one of them. Trust me, when Booster says No in that tone, even Mirax wouldn't be able to change his mind!"
I was impressed at this. Aunt Mirax, when she put her mind to it, generally got her way in almost everything. It was one of the traits she'd shared with my Mom.
"Come on," I heard Myri saying,"Let's get something to eat. I'm starving."

We talked as we ate a dish of noodles and fries. Pretty soon we were chatting and joking like old friends. She had a remarkable way of putting me at my ease. I soon forgot the fiasco at the nexu pit and began truly enjoying myself for the first time that evening. Myri filled me in on how she joined up with her mom, a prominent Corellian intelligence agent, in gathering crucial information while undercover on the Venture. She'd decided to continue while her mom had left to join her dad, a key supporter of the Correllian rebellion. Inwardly I winced at this and debated whether or not to reveal my history at the GAG under Jacen's command. We had been instrumental in attempts to crush the insurgency. But that thought only flashed for a second. It was impossible that she not know my recent activities. Leaving aside the fact that she was an Intel agent, I was a Skywalker. The entire galaxy knew most of my life history. It came with the name. I decided it would be safest to trust to our friendship to ride this one out.
"Dad's not too happy with the arrangement, though," Myri was saying.
I had no doubt. Wedge Antilles would be hard put to it to be pleased about his daughter working at a casino in such provocative outfits, regularly dealing with a fair bit of the galaxy's scum and villainy.
"Dads seldom are," I agreed.
Myri smiled.

It was getting late, the diner we had been sitting in was beginning to empty, but it seemed our flow of conversation would not stop. Bottles of wine and lomin ale had served to loosen our tongues. I realized I had never connected with anyone this way before. I had been born at an awkward time, the last of my generation and an only child. I had never had any friends my own age. My own cousins had been almost two decades older to me. I had grown up in the company of people older to me. Myri had been seven or eight when I'd been born. That made her as close as I ever got to contemporary. Despite the difference in our ages, I was most grateful for the fact that she didn't treat me like a kid. As the night progressed, we'd even lightly flirted with each other!

Finally, as the establishment pointedly refused to serve us anything further before it closed, we had to settle our bill and leave, quite reluctantly, in fact, as we had become so comfortably settled. I didn't even care how late it was. I was on vacation and refused to be time-bound. Besides, I knew the Rogues would be passed out in their beds tonight and not notice me until morning at the least. I was free. We linked our arms through each others as we walked, neither of us exactly steady after the amounts of liquour we had consumed. From somewhere close by, strains of loud and pounding music reached our ears. In unison, our feet were drawn towards the doors of the particular establishment. It was a regular dance club where the party appeared to just have gotten started. Since neither of us was in any mood to go home just yet, we entered the club instead. Myri seemed totally at home in the place and after a while started to groove and sway gently to the music. In later and wiser years, I deduced that the ambience of a nightclub is designed to appeal most particularly to inebriated senses, and ordinarily (by which I mean sober!) I would probably not like to be stuck in a place where the music pounds upon your eardrums and strobe lights are quite likely to turn you blind. Nevertheless, these were not ordinary circumstances and Myri was pulling my hand, dragging me forward into the giddy melee.

Now here's a little secret that I've kept even from my close family. I'm a pretty neat dancer. I have the teenage instinct of how to party and know how to move it! I think I impressed Myri in there too, matching her step for step. I never really gave up the hope, I guess, of someday being able to lead a normal teenage life. That was the greatest thing about this night. It was so normal ! It didn't have the element of self-bashing that all my wild nights of revelry on Coruscant had had. For the first time, in more than a year, I was almost able to forget that I had been betrayed by my brother and turned into a cold-blooded killer, that my mother had been brutally murdered and the ice-cold days I had spent seeking revenge, that till date my father was still wallowing in that grief forcing me to become a man before my time. Tonight I felt like a fifteen-year old acting like a fifteen-year old… and maybe even developing his first crush.

The wine had started flowing again and we had taken to the dance floor. I was leaning on the counter for a breather after a particularly energetic number, when Myri pushed through towards me, two new shot glasses in her hand and a glint in her eyes that made me look at her a tad warily.
"Ben, would you do something if I dared you to?"
My suspicions were confirmed. I had a bad feeling about this. I narrowed my eyes at her, but still went on to ask,
"What?"
She pushed one of the shots into my hand. Her grin was positively maniacal by now.
"I dare you to get up on this bar and do a solo...with your shirt off!"
I swayed unsteadily.
"You-you want me to strip?!" I asked incredulously. Was this what the night was going to turn into? An older woman taking advantage of a drunken me?
She literally bounced.
"No silly! Not strip, just take your shirt off!"
"That counts as stripping in my book, Myri. And no. I'm not drunk enough to be taken advantage of like that just yet."
Her eyes gleamed evilly once clinked her shot glass against mine.
"That's why I got you this."

I had known I would regret it. We Skywalkers have an inherent talent for digging our own graves. It seems I'd inherited the trait. She begged, she cajoled, she threatened. When I still refused, she used her secret weapon. She shrugged as if admitting defeat, downed her shot in one gulp and bounced off to dance with someone else. I stayed back, still holding onto the bar for support, still staring dubiously at the lethal shot. Myri was paying no attention to me and I found my gaze involuntarily straying down to her tightly skirted behind, now grazing against some other guy's hip. That did it. I was prudent enough to send a mental prayer for forgiveness upwards before I tilted my head back and threw damnation down my gullet. Still relatively unnoticed, I scrambled up onto the bar and with the help of the Force, switched the music off. That did it for the rest of them. Now everybody's eyes were on me as I staggered to my feet on top of the counter and attempted making a bold, if highly slurred, announcement.
"Ladies and gentlemen, human or otherwise, I wish to hereby publicly accept the dare proposed to me by one Ms. Myri Antilles. Myri, challenge...accepted!"

I didn't know whether at some point I had mentally filed away a song just for such an occasion (I had a nasty feeling I may just have!), nevertheless, the one that now played was slow and sultry with just enough acoustic to give it a raw edge. The crowd hooted and I saw Myri shoving her way to the front, her eyes round and disbelieving. A slow smile spread over my face as I finally let myself go to the groove of the music.

If I may say so myself, I think I did a pretty good job of pulling off Myri's dare. When I finally did take off my shirt and threw it into the crowd, her jaw dropped and even if I did only imagine it, I believe her eyes traced down my well-toned torso. After my little number, I had many individuals sidling up to me through the remainder of the night, female and male, young and old, species not restricted, making attractive offers, even asking me to name my price! I seemingly basked in the sudden swathe of attention just to tick Myri off. At the end of the night, as the crowd thinned, we were once again the last to leave. We had finally run out of steam. I had to hunt for what shreds remained of my best shirt and shrugged it on, yawning hugely. I caught Myri's eye and as if on cue, she yawned too. We laughed, turning around, and the laugh died in my throat. For the second time that night, I found myself looking up, straight into the eyes of Booster Terrik.

"That was quite a show you put on up there, boy," he chuckled enjoying my embarrassment.
Myri had gripped my arm convulsively. The fatigue of the night had suddenly crept up on me and I doubted how much longer I'd be able to keep standing upright. A steady headache was also beginning to make itself felt, just in between my brows.
"Tell you what," he said. "I'll cut you kids a deal. You," he said, jabbing his finger at me,"Put on a show like that for the public whenever you're here, and I'll let you gamble for as much as you want anywhere on my ship. Deal?"
Both of us gaped at him.
"P-p-public?!" I gasped. Things were beginning to get out of control. A sudden image of what my Dad's face might look like if he even got a clue as to what I'd been up to tonight flashed in my head, and it was so terrifying that I clasped my eyes shut trying to get rid of it.
But Myri was staring at him.
"Really? You mean that, Captain?"
"Myri!" I couldn't believe her. What in the nine Corellian hells was she thinking?!
"In lieu of monetary recompense, of course," Booster,the consummate businessman, provided smoothly, lighting up a large cigar.
"Wow!" Myri breathed. "That's astral !"
"No!" I finally managed to choke out. "No kriffing way! Are you two insane?! My Dad'd flay me alive if he knew about-about this! And besides, I'm not going to be staying here forever! I've gotta get home! To Coruscant!"
"Hey, one show, every time you visit, and your credits're on the house."
"Ben!" Myri hissed. "He's making you an offer you can't refuse! Don't be a fool!"
I glared at both of them.
"No", I said, and attempted to stalk out with what dignity I had left. Booster didn't even try to stop me, but I heard Myri come up from behind and forcefully turn me around.
"Ben! What would it hurt? You're a good dancer, you enjoy it, the crowd loves you and do you have any idea how much you could stand to win?!"
I looked at her coldly.
"I'm sorry, I don't feel I'm quite ready to join the flesh trade."
She looked at me in shock for a second, but her expression hardened in an instant.
"In case you hadn't quite heard what the Captain said, Jedi Skywalker, no one is exactly asking you to perform a strip-tease. You have a talent for song and dance and that was merely being appreciated. Not to mention that I don't know what moral high ground you're claiming."
Now it was my turn to sneer.
"What exactly is that supposed to mean?"
She looked me in the eyes, unflinching.
"You're reputation isn't exactly unknown even here, Jedi Skywalker."
"And what reputation would that be?"
She leaned in towards me, even though we pretty much matched, height-wise.
"I'm an Intel agent, Jedi Skywalker, and a good one. Even if you haven't been keeping count of the number of women you've already slept with, I have."
I felt my stomach churn and my head reel.
"Are-are you trying to blackmail me then?"
Myri folded her arms in front of her.
"I won't be blackmailing you. The Captain's given you a choice. I just want you to know who you're dealing with...And I expect you to accord the Captain a certain amount of respect."
I was beginning to feel sick. I could be so stupid sometimes.
I looked at the two of them, nodded at the Captain, and without a further word, left the nightclub.

"You were a bit too harsh on the poor kid I think, Myri."
"He'll survive."
"I think he was developing a thing for you."
"Then it's a good thing I nipped it in the bud. He's far too young for me."

Somehow I managed to find my way back to my room and promptly passed out on the bed. My accompanying pilots found me still sleeping late,wearing a torn shirt and with what looked suspiciously like a lipstick stain near my belly-button.
"Wow! The kid really got some action last night, huh?"
"How come we were never as lucky at his age?"
Needless to say, when I woke up, I was completely hungover.

My next encounter with Myri happened just two nights later, my last day aboard the Errant Venture. I had gotten into an amorous entanglement the previous night and as soon as I awoke, I was preparing to extricate myself from it. In other words, I had just had a one-night stand and was preparing to leave after waking up in bed with a girl whose name I couldn't even remotely recall.

A very predictable scenario. I had been at the bar as usual with the Rogues, a couple of chicks had come up to ask me if I was THE Ben Skywalker and if I was, would I like to join them? They had been reasonably attractive, part of a larger reasonably attractive crowd. I had sensed potential. I had accepted their offer with the Rogues' blessings and what had ensued had been a regular booze and spice party in one of the Venture's larger luxury suites. It had ended with me bedding one of the girls and passing out, barely clothed, alongside her.

As I surveyed the wreckage of the aftermath once I'd come to my senses, it was obvious more revellers had swelled our numbers during the course of the rather forgettable night. I barely spared a glance for the girl I had had intimate relations with just a few hours previously as I hunted down the remainder of my clothing. It was the regular feeling of self-destruction that had set in and my mood was no better now that I was awake. I made my way to the small pantry to see if there was something I might be able to scavenge for breakfast, and stopped short as I stepped in. The only other person awake at this hour aside from myself was standing inside, dressed only in an over-size shirt, casually stirring a cup of caf and smirking at me. Myri.

I tried not to scowl, but I think I still managed to make my displeasure at seeing her evident. She continued to smirk. I ignored her and went to get myself a cup of caf and a toaster pastry.
"Yep. You sure do have a reputation for a Jedi Knight."
I swallowed the scathing retort I might have made about her reputation, seeing as we were in the same situation, and neither for the first time. I wasn't going to give her the pleasure of bringing me down to her own level when she was obviously provoking me. Therefore I evenly replied,
"I'm not a Knight yet. Just a padawan."
She didn't reply. Just sipped her caf and continued following my movements with her eyes.
I sat down at the table with my cup of caf and bit into my pastry.
"So which of the guys were you with last night?" I asked casually, deciding to break the silence. Not that I cared, of course.
"One of them", she replied, airily, vaguely waving towards the inner cabins. "Which girl were you with?"
"One of them", I replied, equally triflingly, indicating in the direction of the couch.
She smirked once more and came to sit facing me at the table.
"Today's my last day on board," I said, once again breaking the silence after we'd sat simply staring at each other for a while.
She shrugged. "Okay."

I'd finished my breakfast and slowly people around were beginning to stir and come to their senses. There was nothing for it but to take my leave. But something made me stop after I'd gotten up and turn around to face her again.
"You know, all the girls I keep screwing, all the meaningless sex … it's all just to try and fill this hole in my heart. But it never makes the pain go away."
I turned back after that and left as quickly as I could.

Myri continued to stare after him, but something in her eyes had dimmed.

[A/N: Roller-coaster? You bet! Expect the unexpected in this fic! Lots more coming up so watch out next week!]