A/N: Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies. Or very few ones, anyway. Congratulations to OutcastToReality, Yami-no-Hikari-7, and oOA Cry In The NightOo for correctly identifying the House reference in the previous chapter! The rest of you... no more guesses, obviously. Too late. Game over. Thanks for playing. I STILL LOVE YOU ALL FOR REVIEWING THO~!!! OH LAWD ILU ALL SO MUCHIES!

Ok so I was just being sarcastic about there being a prize… -waits patiently to be lynched- Uhhh… consider the new chapter your prize! 8D –shot repeatedly- Omg I suck so much… -bleeds-

Disclaimer: Still whole. Still not owning Death Note.

Chapter 4: Madness? No…

"What the hell is this?" Mello demanded of… well, anyone within hearing range apparently.

"I believe the lunch board states it to be 'beanie weenies'." Near replied in his usual emotionless tone, pointing up at the chalk board above the food pick-up station that did indeed proclaim the day's meal to be 'Boisterous Beanie Weenies! 8D'. Although the pale boy saw no difference between 'Boisterous Beanie Weenies! 8D' and 'beanie weenies' whatsoever. This is probably because there wasn't one. Unless you counted quality.

"It doesn't look like… that." Mello grumbled as they found places at one of the tables in the rustic-themed mess hall. The blonde could not bring himself to use a cutesy rhyme for the name of a food. "It looks toes in ketchup."

"Pases aaighf." Said Matt, wet flecks of 'Boisterous Beanie Weenies! 8D' flying out of his full mouth and causing the unfortunate black-haired boy sitting across from him to shriek and abandon his seat to avoid the gross little missiles. Translated into the speech of people without full mouths, Matt's statement was "Tastes alright."

"Ew." Mello replied simply, raising his eyebrows at his friend exasperatedly.

"Well, if Matt's willing to eat it than it cannot be intolerable." Near reasoned, carefully scooping a weenie onto his spork and lifting it towards his mouth.

"Near, you would be shocked at what Matt is willing to eat." Mello warned. The spork paused, indecisively.

Matt began, "Wuh ehf oohr 'ot oong-"

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, SWALLOW!" Mello clapped a hand to his forehead, his patience shredded. Matt swallowed.

"Well if you're not going to eat it," He continued unaffected, "Can I have yours?" Mello started shoving his tray at Matt when Near spoke again.

"We cannot go without food our entire time here." He pointed out. It was Mello's turn to pause.

"…I guess you're right." He sighed, ignoring Matt's crestfallen face as he pulled his tray back and viciously speared a weenie. Hesitantly, after a rather thorough examination, Near placed one of the weenies in his mouth.

"…"

"…Well…?" Mello asked anxiously, ready to perform the Heimlich at a moment's notice. Near chewed thoughtfully.

"Eht's 'ot oh-"

"NOT YOU TOO!" Mello wailed. "Dammit Matt! Look what you've done now! You've infected Near!" Near gulped.

"My apologies, I assumed you wished for a speedy diagnosis." He drawled, one corner of his lips twitching ever so slightly. "As I was saying, it's not so bad."

"…You enjoyed that you bastard." Mello growled.

"Yes." Near said with a gentle nod, allowing one eyebrow to quirk up cheekily. Mello's gaze narrowed, his eyes flashing with something that was decidedly not anger. He seized Near's sleeve and began tugging the boy towards the door.

"There's always dinner." The blonde stated, needlessly since Near was far from protesting.

"Uh… where are they going?" Amber asked, leaning over to Matt.

"I don't know, and I don't want to, and if you have any sense at all neither do you." Matt replied, pulling Mello and Near's abandoned trays towards him. No sense wasting palatable food.


"A-ah, Mello…" Near managed between feverish kisses.

"Shut up, I can't kiss you, get your shirt off, and talk at the same time." Mello growled back, contradicting himself by doing just that.

"Are you…" Near paused as he wound a lock of blonde hair around his finger and felt the blonde's teeth scrape against his bottom lip. "Sure we should-mmm… that was nice…"

"Your nose is a little sunburned. It's cute." Mello announced, licking the mentioned body part as he worked at his belt with one hand and pulled Near's body into him with the other. Near winced slightly, the saliva stinging the reddened skin, but didn't object. "What were you saying?"

"Oh, just wondering if it was alright to leave Matt alone." Near replied, a little blurrily. Mello scoffed and kissed him again.

"'Eah ee 'as owr-"

"Hypocrite." Near pointed out, pulling away for a moment. Mello stared for a moment before catching the joke.

"Oh shut up. It's alright." He said, pushing the boy down onto the bed and leaning over to catch the faintly smirking mouth with his own.


It was not alright to leave Matt alone. Especially not in a place full of children that weren't at least close to the redhead intelligence-wise.

"You are shooooo aweshum… you're like… aweshum and shtuff…" Lindsay giggled, then burped, lifted a hand to her mouth looking scandalized, then giggled again.

"Ya I know. I'm like… the aweshum KING!" Matt declared, pointing at the ceiling dramatically. Or where he thought the ceiling was, anyway. May have been the wall. Or the floor.

"Toooootallleeeeee." Amber agreed, lying on the ground and hiccupping. The lunch lady had disappeared into a catacomb behind the kitchen, aka her office. The two counselors in charge of lunch time surveillance had panicked and dashed off to find the camp nurse and Ms. Shelley, respectively.

Mello and Near came back in about half an hour too late. The few children who weren't lounging around or wandering shakily were huddled in a corner looking dazed and/or confused.

"…Matt." Mello said icily once he had located the redhead. "What the hell is going on?"

"MELLY!" Matt shouted, leaping backwards only to trip and land on his rump. Hard. Clearly he'd only just realized the blonde had returned.

"Matt… You appear to be displaying the symptoms of extreme intoxication." Near observed wryly.

"NO! No…" Matt insisted, forcing his voice to become serious. "I swear ta drunk, I'm not God." He told them gravely. "Wait… that waz wrong…"

"Where did you even get alcohol?" Mello asked incredulously. Matt stared dumbly for a moment, then his face screwed up as though he were deciphering hieroglyphics. Mello grabbed his friend by the shoulders. "Matt, where did you get the alcohol!?" Matt's face broke out into a goofy grin.

"Ohhhhh!" He exclaimed. "…I brought it. Roger never checked the bagsh." Mello released Matt's shoulders, the gamer pinwheeled his arms for a few seconds before falling back again, his head hitting the floorboards with a light 'Tunk!'

"I'm literally not sure whether to be impressed or disgusted." Mello shook his head, an affectionate smile climbing onto his face. A few feet away, Mindi threw up on Justine.

"…I have settled upon disgusted." Near replied. Mello just laughed as the camp counselors returned breathlessly, towing a doubting nurse and the ever-unpredictable Ms. Shelley…

TBC…

A/N: THIS. IS. SUNSHINE! –Roars and kicks Ms. Shelley into bottomless pit- …Ooops… -looks over edge and sees Ms. Shelley climbing back up like that chick from the Ring- OH FUCK! –Runs-

Revieeeeewwwwww!! Save me from The Shelley!