DISCLAIMER: ... I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE MY OWN COMPUTER WHEN HOMESTUCK WAS MADE... WHAT IN THE WORLD MAKES YOU THINK I OWN IT?


== DAVE: Show disappointment in the race you died hundreds of times to save


"Hey Dave."

"What?"

"… Why did we revive the human race again…?"

You open your mouth attempting an ironic answer, but… as you look at the sheer stupidity of the scene before you… you feel you cannot give Egbert an answer and settle on closing it.

Instead, you shrug.

He laughs awkwardly, "I… I honestly can't come up with an answer either."

Did that little shit just read your mind? You believe your boyfriend is telepathic…

"For this scene… I… I honestly have no words." The said stupid scene you and Egbert are currently looking upon you ask?

Your name is Dave Strider and you are face palming at a DOG PILE OF WAL-MART SHOPPERS. Did you stutter?

You don't believe you did.

You also didn't think there were people out there that would actually do this shit. But apparently you had overestimated the human race. You don't even blink when yet another shopper, slips and slides on the wet floor and adds more mass to the steadily growing pile.

After moving all of the wet floor signs to various carpeted areas in the North Wing, you and Edgbert began walking back to the entrance, then, you and your boyfriend noticed a certain pattern in a certain meat isle…

Then… it grew.

And grew…

And grew…

Then, security came.

You both decide it would be best to ABSCOND.


"Really? This happened in your wing too?"

"You got it, Harley." You say taking a seat in the furniture the eight of you were all hiding out in. "And what's up with Roxy and Jane, they both seem a bit out of breath."

"We aren't as young as we used to be Davey." Says Roxy with a wink as she sits down in a lawn chair across from you.

You raise an eyebrow, that was a new one, "One, stick with sexy. My name ain't Davey – "

"Davey, I believe the word you are looking for may be 'isn't' am I right?" Lalonde states with her usual pursed lips as she looks up from her book, "Your Texan is showing Dave."

You stand, "You askin' – asking," what was wrong with you today? Your façade was usually unbreakable Egbert must have been influencing you with all of his consoned – no, no, no, goddamned that would have sounded way too southern, "for a strife Lalonde?"

"I wouldn't mind one." She stands as well, pursed lips smirking tightly.

When you are about to reply someone grabs you by the collar and lifts you a couple feet off the ground (the fuck, you're seventeen years-old). You inwardly grimace. This grip… there was no other person, Bro.

"You're losing your cool Lil' man." He states as you tilt your head back to look at him. "Cool your tits."

You nod and he sets you down. You mutter something about Bro's puppets and how when you get the chance you'd burn them.

"What was that Lil' man?

"Nothin'."

"You mean 'nothing'."

"Fuck you."

You look over to Lalonde and smirk. She gets a similar (passive-aggressive of course) lecture from Roxy.

Life. Is. Sweet.

"Dirk, I'll do number five I suppose." Jegus, did English have to inform your Bro of everything? …

This feeling…

Oh fuck no

No, no, no, no, no… You are not jealous of your Bro's weird-ass boyfriend man-grittier-version-of-Egderp. No. This is too ironic to comprehend; even for you. You grind the backs of your teeth in a feudal attempt to erase these thoughts; a hand rests itself on your shoulder. Oh.

It's John. He gives you a bright grin.

You relax and quote unquote "chill your tits".

English walks over to a cart and takes a hefty pumpkin (… aren't those out of season?) from some fat lady's cart. She looks extremely baffled, "What the –" He draws in a breath.

"SECURITY!" holy – and you thought gentlemen weren't supposed to raise their voices more than two octaves….

A nearby wannabe-policeman hustles over to the scene, fat belly bouncing in rhythm with his steps. "Sir…" wheeze. "what…" fucking wheeze."… seems…" mOtHeRfUcKiNg wheeze."… to be the… problem…?"

… You decide Wal-Mart needs better security.

"This kind madam was trying to steal my pumpkin!" ever the English gentleman you suppose.

Anyway, the argument over the pumpkin lasts for a solid twenty minutes (damn fat lady must really love pumpkins…) and the incompetent security guard just sits watches like an idiot.

Eventually, everyone realizes that English is actually fighting for that strangely out of season pumpkin now… that you don't understand of course, but by the looks of it neither do Jade, John, or Rose so at least you aren't alone. The other three…? They seem rather annoyingly used to it.

Another ten minutes pass before you watch your Bro flash step over to the scene, throw English over his shoulder with ease, grab the pumpkin and flashstep back – all in a span of a tenth of a second.

What? What in the world would you expect? He's Bro. Simple as that.

Anyway, while English was sitting contently on a couch snuggle up with your Bro – do you have to keep on repeating how fucking weird this is to you? – Lalonde reads the next quest on the list.

"7. Hide in the center of the clothes circle where people find shirts, and jump out and yell "!"… not it."

"Not it." Your Bro swiftly adds and you follow soon after.

"Not it." Says Jane.

"Not it." Roxy sips a bit of her… tequila…? The fuck? When'd she go and get that?

This leaves Jade, John, and English. You briefly feel sorry for your boyfriend but shrug it off. This was Egderp. The self-proclaimed "Prank Master", he'd be fine.

Your apple phone goes off yet again and you flip it open to a certain pesterlog… Who the…

Oh God damn it…

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -

CG: HUMAN. ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN.

CG: NO USE PRETENDING.

CG: I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME I CAN SEE YOU FOR FUCKS SAKE

CG: DAVE

TG: the fuck do you want

TG: jegus

TG: dont you all have some

TG: sort of wet troll bullshit dream

TG: for john?

TG: go pester john

TG: wait

TG: ignore that completely erase that from your head

TG: i would really prefer you not to have

TG: sloppy makeouts with my boyfriend

CG: PLEASE, I NO LONGER HOLD INTEREST IN YOUR MATESPRIT HUMAN. I HAVE MY OWN.

TG: oh yeah

TG: you have that whole love triangle

TG: tv drama bullshit going on

TG: with terezi and gamzee (what the hell do you see in gamzee?)

CG: SHUT UP. JUST SHUT THE *FUCK* UP FOR ONCE IN YOUR INSIGNIFICANT HUMAN LIFE AND LISTEN TO YOUR GOD. ITS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? IT IS YOU SHUTTING THE FUCK UP DAVE STRIDER.

TG: … so which one is the one youre going to be having sloppy makeouts with from now on?

CG: GOG DAMNIT STRIDER. WHAT THE HELL DID I SAY ABOUT SHUTTING THE FUCK UP? FUCK, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW YES. GAMZEE AND TEREZI ARE BOTH FLUSHING FOR ME AND I'M CONFUSED AS FUCK. HAPPY? SATISFYED? FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC. LETS MOVE ON.

Fucking with KK never gets old, not even when you were stuck on an asteroid with him for nearly three years. It's still fun.

TG: so this begs the question

TG: what the fuck

TG: do you want?

CG: JUST TELLING YOU THAT TEREZI MIGHT BE TELEPORTING IN VIA TRANSPORTER. I CAN'T SPEAK FOR THE OTHERS EITHER I MEAN, FUCK. NEPUTA IS BECOMING DIFFICULT TO RESTRAIN WITH HER LOVE FOR ROLEPLAYING AND GAMES AND ALL THAT SHIT. SO JUST DON'T BE SURPRISED IF SOME OF US POP IN SOMETIME SOON. TELL THE OTHERS AS WELL.

TG: yeah yeah got it

CG: GOODBYE HUMAN.

TG: see you around kk

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -


A/N: Sorry this is up kind of late lol… My parents threw me an 8th grade graduation party =3. With cupcakes… yummy homemade gourmet cupcakes… yum…

*ahem* Anyway your goddess was distracted~.

But I hope you liked the chapter anyway =3.