Guess who's back from the dead, so to speak! I'll give an internet lollipop to anyone who guesses right. If you're not aware of who it is, I am disappointed. Yeah, it's me…and I am finally updating this story. I feel bad for neglecting Sav and Clare for so long. But I was busy; aren't we all?

I do not own Degrassi. If I lived in Canada, though, I would have auditioned a long time ago to be on it!

By the end of the day every single last one of my nerves had been frayed past the point of exposure. I was feeling jumpy, vulnerable, and stressed.

Sav and Alli never made it to school which meant there had been a serious civil war at the Bhandari household. I wondered if Sav was okay, but more importantly I hoped that Alli had not been pushed into a deeper depression. I spent all day, and all my energy, worrying about them and their well-being.

I would have rushed right over to their house after school if not for the fact that Eli Goldsworthy was supposed to be coming to my house. Without parental supervision.

I mentally cringed for the thousandth time since solidifying the plans with Eli in English. As much as my mind was focused on two of the most important people in my life, I couldn't help the little, worried voice in the back of my head the kept up a constant string of concerns over having Eli over.

But it was too late to back out…Eli stood at our lockers, an expectant look on his face as I approached.

"I haven't got all day, Edwards. I've seen slugs move faster than you."

His mood was oddly buoyant- a contradiction to his usual dismayed behavior. It felt strange; the contrast in our moods was backward. I was normally cheery, and he was usually sulking. I didn't like the switch.

"Then you should go track them down and see if they'll make a better debate partner." I didn't have the energy to match his light banter. I had too much to be concerned about.

Eli paused, reading my mood quickly, a puzzled expression taking place of his playful smirk.

"Is everything okay, Clare?"

I must have looked bad- Eli never used my first name. I hadn't crossed by any mirrors, but I could only imagine how haggard I looked after an entire day of biting my nails. "Peachy."

"You could at least try to be more convincing. That was weak, Edwards."

"Well, then I guess it's a good thing this project does not require me to have any kind of acting skills."

"Is everything okay with Sav and you; was there a reason he wasn't at your locker this morning swooning over you like the whipped guy that he is?"

I gritted my teeth, hating that Eli had jumped to that kind of conclusion. I would have decked him if not for the small amount of genuine concern on his face. But that still didn't mean I wanted to discuss my personal life with Eli. If he was going to be so secretive about his life, why should I open up about mine?

A small voice in the back of my head warned me that I was close to my snapping point…all that stress was getting to me in a big way.

"Even if things were not perfect between Sav and I, what gives you the slightest inkling that I would in any way, shape or form discuss that with you?"

"Always so sassy," Eli noted, the hard smirk very much present in all his features. "And, what you're saying is, everything is fine with Sav?"

"Are you always so pushy?" I demanded, tired of this game. Eli just gave a tight nod, still smirking. The jerk was enjoying how frustrated he was making me. "Then, if you must know, yes- everything is fine with Sav. Are we going to get a move on, or not?"

I thought I saw just a flash of disappointment in Eli's eyes, but I was probably imagining things. After all, I wasn't exactly firing on all pistons. "I guess we should. To Morty!"

"Excuse me?"

"My hearse," Eli shrugged it off as if the answer was painfully obvious.

I searched his face for any sign that he was kidding…there wasn't any. "You drive…a hearse?"

"Scared?" Eli asked as if he already knew the answer…and was enjoying himself far too much.

I could only imagine the sarcastic comments I would have to endure if I answered with an affirmative. So I lied. "Nah, I was worried where we were going to put my bike, but I guess you have tons of space in the backseat, so we're good."

Eli rolled his eyes, and I could tell he didn't buy my feeble deflection. "It's okay to admit vulnerability every now and then, you know."

"So you're the pot and I'm the kettle in this scenario, right?"

"Funny; I would admit vulnerabilities if I had them, but I don't."

I saw right through his cocky attitude- his eyes were radiating pain again. But his voice, as well as the rest of his face, remained hard. The impulse to push, to ask questions was nearly overpowering. But I was afraid that asking for more information would only make him trust me less…if he trusted me at all.

With a sudden, dizzying moment of realization I understood that I really wanted Eli to trust me. I wanted to earn his respect; I wanted to know him.

I had stopped walking, trying to sort through all the confusion in my brain. Eli turned back after taking several strides before realizing that I had stopped following.

"We could work on this some other day if you're really not feeling well," Eli assured me quietly as he walked back to stand in front of me.

"Eli, why do you talk to me? You don't talk to anyone else at school- why me?"

I hadn't expected one of my many questions to escape, but now that it had I couldn't retract it. And I didn't really want to. I was beyond curious, and this was among the least intrusive of my inquiries.

He searched my face for a few minutes, his intense stare affecting my heart rate in strange ways. Neither of us moved for a good minute, and he smirked as if he could hear the irregular pattern of my heart beats.

Then, without warning, he turned on his heel and started back toward the parking lot. What the hell was that supposed to mean?

I was rooted in my spot, and Eli turned only once to beacon me forward. I unhooked my bike from the rack and started to wheel it toward the direction Eli had disappeared. It didn't take me long to spot the hearse…I don't know anyone who could miss such an absurdity. He was standing at the back, the doors open, watching my approach. His eyes looked guarded, calculating. I wordlessly handed over my bike and he shoved it into the spacious back.

"It's unlocked," he informed me quietly, and I gave a nod and climbed into the passenger seat. I looked around and shivered. This was weird…not necessarily creepy, but also not a pleasant experience to know this vehicle had once transported dead bodies. I didn't even want to know how Eli had obtained it. Or, maybe I did, if it would help unravel the mystery that he was.

Eli then climbed into the driver's seat and asked for my address. He nodded as I prattled off the familiar string of numbers and letters, my brain focused on other things- like Eli's reaction to my question and the part of my mind that was still focused on Alli and Sav.

He started talking so suddenly that I literally jumped out of the seat.

"You're just a good person, Clare. I could tell. I've known a lot of bad people in my life… so the distinction is pretty recognizable to me. There was just something pure about you. You're naive. You're sweet. You don't judge people…you haven't judged me. You make it so easy to like you, Edwards. That's why I talk to you."

He pulled up to my curb as he finished his unexpected speech, slipping the hearse into park and turning to me. I met his gaze, and I saw that I had not really seen the extent of his pain before…not till now. I flinched at the sheer torture raging in his expressive, green eyes. My breath caught in my throat, and the atmosphere between us became thick, impossible to breathe. There was a conflict raging inside him, and I watched with wide eyes as he let me experience his internal battle.

Finally, he released my eyes, opening the door. "We should get started on the debate."

I nodded, numbly removing myself from the hearse. This was so weird. But I was slightly euphoric that he had opened up to me a bit. He thought I was sweet…he liked me.

There was a small smile on my face as I unlocked the door until a certain face crowded my vision. This face had friendly, warm brown eyes. He had silky, dark skin. He had a smile that was adoring and made me go weak at the knees.

How would Sav feel about me having Eli over my house while we were alone?

I knew the answer to that question, and it made the guilt in my stomach nearly unmanageable.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" I asked Eli, trying to distract myself.

He was letting his eyes take in every part of the front room. I saw him linger on the embarrassing pictures of Darcy and me through various stages of our awkward adolescence.

"I'm fine, thanks."

"Okay, I'm going to get my laptop from my room. Feel free to make yourself at home…I'll be right back."

I raced upstairs, took a few deep breaths to calm myself, and flew back down the stairs- laptop in hand. I tried not to think about how alone I was in the house…with a boy…who wasn't Sav.

I was going to hell.

I found Eli in front of the thin wall where a vertical strip of picture frames was hung. He was studying one in particular and I approached him slowly. It was a picture of the four of us together. My mom and Dad weren't looking at the camera- they were staring at each other lovingly. Darcy was sticking her tongue out at the camera, and I was smiling widely. Darcy's shirt was clutched in my fist…I was afraid to let go of her for even a second. The background was Niagara Falls- one of our very first family vacations.

It was one of my favorite pictures…we were all so satisfied to be together back then. Now Darcy was in Africa and my mom and dad lived in different houses.

"You all look so happy together," Eli commented softly, almost to himself. It almost sounded as if he couldn't conceive such a complicated notion of a family being happy.

"We were," I replied simply.

"And now?"

"We're still happy…just not as together."

Eli looked like he wanted to say more- ask something else, but he thought better of it. "We should probably get to work…"

"Sure," I replied easily, settling into the couch and firing up my laptop. Eli sat down, too, but as far away from me as the couch would allow.

I tried not to be offended; after all he was careful not to make contact with any human around. And I knew that, had noticed it several times, but he really didn't need to sit quite so far away.

Or maybe it was a good thing that he did- all things considered.

"Is falling in love a choice? It's creative, I'll give you that. How in the world did you come up with that again?"

"Sav helped me…if you really don't like the idea we could pick a different topic."

"I'll make you a deal, Edwards…," Eli started, but he soon trailed off, focusing on the blank TV screen. His expression was deeply thoughtful, as if he wasn't seeing the room in front of him. I watched as he started off into space, and it was hard not to notice that he was fairly attractive: the strong jaw-line, the endless green depths of his eyes, the way his shaggy, deep brown hair fell over his forehead and just right over his eyes. Actually, once he let some of his guard down, he was really attractive.

I snapped off my mental train of thought…I didn't want to dwell on it, and I didn't want to go there ever again. In fact, what thought? There was no thought.

"What kind of deal, Goldsworthy?" I asked, trying to get myself on a healthier, saner track.

"We pick a more sensible topic for our debate, but we don't have to abandon your idea completely."

I was officially intrigued. "Meaning what, exactly?"

"Let's make it a personal project…"

"I'm going to need a bit more elaboration than that, Eli. Spit it out already."

"We could compile data and opinions based on the question of love being a choice or an emotion out of our control as human beings. See, we could talk to an equal amount of people in relationships and people who are flying solo, and then we can see if the evidence is conclusive. Based on what we find we could, like, make this huge display about love conquering hate, and what a powerful emotion it is. It would essentially be a public art project. And…we could get to know each other a little better if we spend that kind of time together."

I had to admit, his enthusiasm was catching. Not to mention the idea was a good one- fun, different and interesting.

Eli had shifted toward me during his speech- turning on a charisma that I had never experienced in his presence before.

I, in turn, moved just an inch closer to him. "That sounds awesome. We could install the project in the courtyard with the J.T York memorial."

Eli's face flushed with a new wave of excitement. "I don't know who J.T is, but I've seen the memorial before, and the spot is certainly ideal. It sounds like a perfect idea to me."

Just then, Eli's crafty side comment from his earlier pitch caught up with me. "Wait, you want to get to know me, Goldsworthy?"

This time Eli's move in my direction was deliberate, and it closed most of the remaining space between us. "Like I said, Edwards, you're an easy person to like. But you can't be sunshine and rainbows all the time. I want to know your story."

"That's a two way street, you know. If I open up to you, you're going to have to do a bit of the same."

I could hear the skepticism in my voice, and I was sure Eli would be able to pick up on it as well. Sure enough, he raised his eyebrows as if to challenge my thoughts.

"No promises. I wouldn't want to corrupt your pure, innocent soul with my gruesome history."

His tone was playful in nature, but I could hear the serious desperation behind his words.

I allowed myself to slide close enough to him that we were almost touching; a mere inch between our knees.

"Try me…maybe I could help."

The, carefully and deliberately, while I sent Eli a warning with my eyes, I placed my knee against his.

He jumped a tad, but didn't move away. It felt like there was an electric current flowing fast and relentless from somewhere in his body right through mine. Not to mention he was staring at me with those eyes…the cocky smirk remained on his face with a little effort.

"I'm kind of past the point of help, Clare."

He said the words in a tender voice that didn't match the actual meaning of what he was saying. What had he gone through that had been so tragic?

I hadn't realized that we had both been leaning toward each other, but when the door knocked open in a gust Eli and I snapped up and slid away from each other immediately.

But it was not soon enough, apparently…

"Alli said you would let her spend the night if things got too rough at home, and they did, so I…."

Sav was talking before he was even inside my house, but he cut off midsentence as soon as he saw Eli and I jump away from each other.

"What's going on here?" Sav whispered, a strange mix of confusion, anger and disbelief in his voice.

Alli walked in behind him, a bag slung over her shoulder. Her eyes were red and puffy- she had been crying.

"Ooooohhhh," was all she said before running up the stairs. But that was not before she shot me a loaded glance. She wanted the story with details, no doubt, of what Eli was doing here.

This was not good.

"I should go," Eli decided after looking between Sav and me a few times.

"Yeah, you should," Sav agreed- anger becoming the dominant emotion in his voice.

"See you in English tomorrow, Edwards," Eli muttered as he carefully slipped past Sav.

"You have some serious explaining to do," Sav informed me emotionlessly after the door had closed behind Eli.

I hadn't done anything wrong. There was a simple explanation as to why Eli and I were alone at my house, and I hadn't been unfaithful.

So why was the guilt in my stomach so stifling that it was hard to breathe?

Only one answer sprung into my head, though I wanted desperately to ignore it. I wanted to pretend like the thought didn't exist. But it really was the only reasonable explanation for the guilt- I was attracted to Eli Goldsworthy in ways that I should not be.

Yup, I was definitely going to hell.