Whee! Hello, you beautiful, beautiful people! Its a lovely day, and I just wrote an entire man-on-man sex scene that is being sent to one of my friends for her birthday. (No, its not the only thing I'm giving her) And YOU all dont get to see it... yet. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Oh, and half this chapter is pure crack, take none of it seriously and I'm not trying to offend anyone (I am a girl, for the record.)
Important bulletin at the bottom, make sure you read it
I dont own Naruto, I dont pretend to, and if I did I'd turn it into a mass porno
Then next morning I awoke curled up on the kitchen floor, using a tablecloth as a blanket, to the sound of the phone ringing. I contemplated anwsering it, but then decided against it and curled up deeper into my tablecloth, hoping El Asshole who had interrupted my slumber would hang up soon. I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of linolenum flooring, waiting for the phone to quit.
Thirty seven rings later, it became apparent that the moron on the other end wasn't getting the message. Cursing, I stumbled to my feet, and yanked the phone out of the cradle.
"WHAT?"
"Well, good morning to you too, sunshine." drawled a framiliar voice. "Whats wrong, sexually frustrated?"
I covered my eyes with my arm, getting a good whiff of my B.O, and slumped against the wall. "What the fuck to you want Hyuuga? You woke me up." You fucking douchebag! I added mentally.
I heard him chuckle on the other end. "Just calling to tell ya that we're all going to the beach today, then to that bar. Whats it called again? Shit - HINATA!" he yelled into the reciever, causing me to jerk it away from my ear. "Where are we all going tonight again? You know, the fag bar?" he paused. "Oh yeah, Dicks on Dicks." he finished.
"You mean Richards on Richards," I mumbled. "And nice going, you probably blew out half my hearing." I let my arm covering my yes flop to the ground, I'd had enough of my stench.
"Glad to hear it." Neji said. Then he paused. "One moment." I could hear his voice, even though he had pulled the phone away. "Yeah, I'll call you later." Incoherent female voice. I raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, yeah, okay, bye now."he started talking into the phone again. "Women, geeze."
I smirked. "Two in two days, Neji? You little manslut, you."
"Hey, at least I'm getting some. When was the last time you got laid?" Before I could protest, he continued. "And no, thats the same chick from the club two nights ago. She thinks I want to date her now that I've slept with her. She doesnt get that it was just a hookup." he sounded more and more irritated as he kept talking. "It was a pain in the ass to get her to leave the first time, and then she came over again last night!"
I raised both my eyebrows. "And yet you fucked her again?" Silly Neji. She'd never leave him alone now.
He sounded exasperated. "What the hell was I supposed to do? She threw herself at me! You know I can't resist it. But -" I could tell he had scrunched up his nose, even though I couldn't see him. "It felt like I was fucking a window. I could have probably fit my head inside her cunt."
I laughed. "Hey, don't be cold, bastard. Besides, she's probably desperate if she was with you."
"Fuck you, Uchiha," he paused, and I heard Hinata yelling something in the background. "Oh yeah, the blimp says you're in charge of convincing Naruto to come. See ya!" Right before he slammed the phone down I heard Hinata scream at him that she might be big as a house, but his penis was the size of a - and then I got hung up on.
Hinata and Neji lived together in the Hyuuga mansion. Hinata's father, Hashi, who was also Neji's uncle, was a world class asshole. Not as bad as my dad, but an asshole nonetheless. I remember that when the two were younger, he was always pitting the two against each other in school, sports, life, everything. It made the two grow an intense hatred for one another. It was only a few years ago that the two made up and became friends, but Neji still had a twinge of jealousy towards Hinata because she was the favored daughter while he was just the cousin, the burden with the dead parents. Then Hinata got pregnant and her father all but disowned her and started focusing on her little sister Hanabi, and that was when the two became really close. Hinata now gets a million dollars a year to stay out of her fathers life and buisness, and after her baby is born she'll get two million a year for the rest of her life. She split the million she currently has with Neji.
Groaning, I slammed the phone down before picking it up again and punching in Naruto's number. Ring ring, Then -
Voicemail. He's working today. Dammit! Jealousy boiled in the pit of my stomach, but I forced it down and dialed a different number: his private one. Its the one he gives to frequent clients who want a discreet fuck in their office during lunch hour. He gave it to me for emergency use, like if someone was in the hospital. Well, everyones going to a gay bar tonight, and he doesnt know. Good enough emergency for me.
The phone rang a few times before I got voicemail again, meaning he was with a fat bastard right now. Shit! I figured I'd leave a message. At least I knew he'd reply to this one ASAP.
The beep at the end of the message signaled it was my time to talk. "Hey pretty, Robbie here," I said in a deep, breathy voice far different from my own. "I had fun with ya. I think I'd like to see ya again... soon. Give me a call, mmkay?" Then I left him my cellphone number, knowing he wouldnt recognize it. Then I hung up. Now all I had to do was wait for him to call me.
Hanging up the phone, one thing became apparent. I reeked! Last time I showered was... three, maybe four days ago. Its easy to lose count during the summer. Making my way to the bathroom, I peeled off my clothing. Shirt lost in the hallway, one boot got thrown in the kitchen, the other went into my bedroom. Pants were discarded... somewhere. Nobody was around, what did I care if I was naked? Eventually I ended up in the bathroom where I gratefully entered the shower and let my skin be cleansed by the steaming water. Maybe I'd stay in here for an hour... or three.
-
My blissful state in the shower was interrupted about fifteen minutes later when my cell rang. I made a mad dash out of the shower for it. I skidded to a halt, ungracefully falling on my face due to my feet being wet. I grabbed the phone and flipped it open. "Hello?" I said, far too eagerly, forgetting the voice.
"Hello... Robbie there?" purred Naruto in his sexy voice. I would have got a boner just listening to it, but him saying another mans' name stopped any rising action.
"No, dipshit, and there never was. Its Sasuke." I paused, waiting for the storm. Sure enough, it came.
"Bastard!" he yelled. "I told you to only call for an emergency!"
"But Naru-chan, it is an emergency! You see-" I paused, knowing he'd get pissed off the longer I took, but wouldn't hang up. "You see, theres plans to go to the beach and then Richards today, and yopu didn't know about them. So I had to inform you, you see, sweetheart?" I threw in the name just for a bit of extra venom.
"I'm working today, moron." I could hear the disappointment in his voice. He clearly wanted to come, but was torn between it and making some money.
"C'mon, Naruto, we want you there. Hinata will probably flay me alive if I show up without ya."
"Well..." he was weakening. I almost had him.
I threw in the final touch. "Please?" he had to give in now. I never ask for anything, its usually just orders.
He sighed. "Fine." I did a mental victory dance. "But lemme make another fifty bucks," Mental victory dancer just got shot in a dive-by. "And then I'll come over to your place." Victory dancer was raised from the dead by a satanic cult. Rejoice!
"'Kay, see ya then," I grunted.
"Oh yeah, Sasuke?" Naruto quipped.
"Eh?"
"Don't call this number again unless its a real emergency. Its reserved for naked, horny bastards who pay me extra." he was grinning. I could tell.
"Well," I purred. "I am naked..."
He hung up on me. Then my home line rang and I scrambled to pick it up. "House of Fag, how may I help you?"
"Hey, Sasuke, its Ino. Shika's car just died, can you come get us?"
Swearing, I stalked around my room to find a fresh pair of pants.
-
"Thanks for comming to get us, Sasuke." Ino chirped from the backseat. Shika was slumped next to her, not giving a fuck about anything.
"Whatever," I grunted, pulling into the driveway. I yanked the keys out of the ignition and pitched myself out of the car and headed back to the house. I glanced back to see Shika helping Ino out of my car. The perfect gentleman.
That or she's got him whipped.
"Listen," I called over my shoulder. "We gotta wait for Nauto here, and I got to get my shit together for the beach. So, yeah. Make yourselves at home, eat something from the fridge, got through my closet, all that crap."
As I turned around I heard Shika mutter "So troublesome." Then came the yell.
"SASU-BASTARD!"
I grinned and turned around. "Well, hey there, Naru-chan, nice of you to show up."
He stormed right up to me and shoved his finger in my face. "You drove right by me, asswipe! I was right there!"
My smirk only got bigger. "So? You can walk... or at least you can today." The expected blow was dodged easily and I turned around and headed back inside. Naruto followed. Shika and Ino passed me on the way in, and Ino shot me a funny look. Whatever. I started heading upstairs when Naruto's voice stopped me.
"Yo, Sasu, can I borrow something I can swim in? I didn't feel like heading all the way back to my place." He leaned against the wall at the bottom of the staircase, and I'm pretty sure he was unaware of how fuckable he looked with his big, innocent blue eyes staring up at me.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure." I breathed, trying to think of something that would redirect the blood flow back to my other head. Neji was right, I do need to get laid. Then Ino piped up.
"Oh, Sasu-honey? Do you have anywhere I can change?" Blood flow redirected.
"Ino, if you ever call me that again I will rip off your tits and make you eat them, got it?" I growled. Ino squeaked and covered the mounds sitting on her chest, their growth courtesy of birth control pills. Naruto, on the other hand, was looking at me with a smirk on his face. I ignored him and started up the stairs.
"Sasu-honey?" Naruto's falsetto carried up the staircase after me. I stopped.
"Same goes for you, Naru-chan, now shut up."
"But I dont have any tits, honeycakes." I could hear the mocking laughter in his voice.
"Well then," I said evenly. "I'll just have to take a pair of hedge clippers to your dick. Now do you want a bathing suit or not?"
"Yes," he squeaked. He didn't know the clipper threat was bullshit. I'd never do anything to harm my little Naru-penis. I started up the stairs (yet again!) and he followed.
"Sasukeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Ino's whine followed me up. "I gotta chaaaaaaaange!"
Ino finally got her rag then. "Just change there. Nobodys watching."
"Shika is. Plus theres no privacy."
"I'm your boyfriend, woman! I've seen you naked more times than I can count!" I turned around to see Shika looking at a blushing Ino very suggestively. "Plus... you did promise me a striptease..." he licked his lips and I turned away, trying to hold the laughter in. The sounds of Ino protesting, not in someone elses house followed me up the stairs.
-
"Here," I tossed Naruto a pair of black trunks. He eyed them suspiciously. "What?"
"They're black." he spat the words out accusingly. He looked at my legs. "Yours are black too."
I stared at him. "So?"
"Everything you own is black." he paused. "You're like a frigging vampire."
I rolled my eyes. "Bullshit. Theres nothing wrong with black, and besides, I was wearing a white top yesterday... and the day before."
Naruto quirked an eyebrow. "The same one, you nasty bastard." he started rooting through my drawers. "Lets see here..."
"What the fuck are you doing?" I yelled. A pair of pants flew by my head.
"I'm checking your wardrobe, Vampiro." he snapped. Then he pulled something out. "Oh look, a pair of NORMAL blue jeans! Not black, BLUE! Its a miracle!"
I sat on my bed. "You're on crack." he progressed to my shirt drawer.
"Look at this. Look at this! T-shirt, longleeeved, button down, concert t-shirts - Sasuke, who the fuck is Atreyu? All in black!"
I rolled my eyes. "Atreyu's a band, and they're good. Shut up."
"Whatver." he dumped all the shirts on the ground. "Holy fuck - is that what I think it is? A wife-beater - and its white! And a white button down. And a gray t-shirt! Actually, I think it used to be black and just faded, but still!"
"Naruto, why- are you going through my boxers?" My jaw slackened.
"Look, even your underwear is black! You need some colour, man! It wouldn't kill you."
"Alright, thats enough." I grabbed him by the shoulders. "Stop being a retard and get changed. I'd like to leave sometime today." I dragged him through the hallway and threw him in the bathroom.
"Oi, Sasuke?"
"What?"
He smirked. "Dont be afraid of colour, honey."
I slammed the door on him. From downstairs Ino and Shika's laughter drifted up. "Kindly do NOT have sex on my couch, please!"
There was a pause, then shika called up. "Too late." and the two burst out laughing
Great. Now I'd have to burn that thing.
I was planning to write more, but I like to keep the chapters short so that the attention-span-challenged (like me!) wont get bored. I'm just so considerate like that. A couple more chapters, and then the shit will rain on the characters from the sky! If they were real, they would hate me...
Anyways... Important bulletin: I'm having a contest. Name Hinatas baby! It can be anything, Japanese or English, girls or boys, it doesnt matter, and anything from something simple like Nan Iznuka (yes, I know thats spelled wrong) to something completely out there, like Gizmo Tank Army Hyuuga-Iznuka. I only ask that you be kind to this poor kid. The name will be selected by me, so the kids already screwed
Review (and name!)
