A week had passed and Blaine still hadn't heard from Kurt. He had called a few more times and still hadn't gotten a response. He was definitely going to his house that weekend. He had wanted to earlier but hadn't been able to get away from school. But then Saturday had finally rolled around.
Kurt was home alone when Blaine got there. Peeking out the front window he saw Blaines car, he hadn't thought he would care enough to actually show up. He really couldn't avoid him anymore. When Blaine knocked he opened the door.
Kurt looked like shit, there was no denying it. His eyes were sunken and ringed in dark circles, his skin was an ashy unhealthy grayish, his hair looked like it hadn't been styled for a week, he was frighteningly thin, and was wearing tattered sweatpants and an oversize sweater. Blaine knew then exactly how serious things were. It sounded stupid but when the always stylish and impeccable Kurt Hummel not only let himself get to that state but let someone see him, something major was going on.
Blaine showed himself to the living room, Kurt following listlessly. "Ok Kurt you need to be honest with me. I can tell your not ok and haven't been for awhile. I want to help you, please just tell me."
"You know Blaine, awhile ago that was exactly what I needed to hear. Now it doesn't matter. I wanted someone to care, no one did, now I don't care. People pretend, but in the end I'm alone, just like I always have been." Kurt's voice was completely emotionless. In a movie it was a voice Blaine would have assumed belong to a cliché zombie, or robot, or mindless serial killer, and laughed at for being overdone. In real life it was terrifying. Even Kurt's eyes, usually so revealing of his inner thoughts and feelings, were empty.
Blaine reached out and tried to take Kurt's hand, but as soon as his hand had barely brushed Kurt's he jerked his whole arm backwards. The sharp movement caused his sleeve to inch up just enough for Blaine to catch sight of one of the jagged cuts. "Kurt let me see your arm." Blaine asked softly. Kurt crossed his arms tucking them against his chest. Blaine had planned on being gentle, but he had to know if Kurt was hurting himself. He reached out and grabbed his arm.
Kurt couldn't believe Blaine was treating him like this. As if pretending to care wasn't bad enough now Blaine was trying to find out more for his own morbid curiosity. He sighed, Why fight? Maybe once Blaine saw how f***cked up he really was he would finally leave. But some remaining vestige of pride kept him from admitting how weak he had become. Blaine forced his sleeve up his arm.
It was horrible. The sight of Kurt's arm made Blaine want to throw up. It was swollen and dark red, criss-crossed with deep jagged tears, some almost holes. He honestly couldn't believe someone would actually be able to do this to themselves. How bad did things have to be to want to...mutilate yourself like this. "Kurt." he whispered his name. "Call me whatever you want Blaine, I can practically see you thinking it. Freak, disgusting, unnatural, wrong. Go ahead if it makes you feel better."
"Why would I want to say those things, why would it make me feel better?"
"Because its true, I can see the disgust in your eyes."
"Kurt you need help."
"Why couldn't you realize that when I wanted help."
"Kurt I was wrong to not say something sooner. I could see you slipping downhill, but I didn't realize it was this bad."
"I know theres something wrong with me. But there always has been. I'm just done fooling myself into thinking I matter."
"You do matter, you cant keep doing this, what's going to happen when you accidentally cut too deep and hit an artery and bleed out?"
"It would just make that choice that much easier. You pretend to care now Blaine, but you still haven't realized that as bad as the physical wounds are, you can't even imagine the internal emotional torment. Do you know what it's like to be replaced by your own dad when a more masculine son comes along? To be tormented to the point you believe the people who make your life hell, because you finally realize they're right, that you're just lying to yourself, wanting to be part of something and not really belonging anywhere. I'm too far gone to be fixed, this is what happens when reality hits and shatters that bubble. Everyone has one, a bubble they live their lives in where they matter, where people actually give a shit about them. And then that bubble pops and people are too fragile to handle it, no matter how strong they pretend they are. I've learned to face my reality, at a steep price. I'm done lying to myself. I suggest you try it, stop pretending you can fix me, I'm too broken. And I don't want to be fixed, I don't want to pretend anymore. All life is is lies and pretending."
At that precise moment Blaine realized what Kurt had really been saying. He felt so worthless he had already decided to just kill himself. The man Blaine loved was discussing his desire to commit suicide right in front of him. And Blaine couldn't even find the words to tell Kurt how much he was really worth, especially to him. He blamed himself. Kurt had trusted him, confiding in him about what was happening, and he hadn't done anything really. This was his fault and he couldn't even find words to help even marginally. He finally admitted to himself, he loved Kurt Hummel, but if he didn't do something Kurt Hummel wouldn't be breathing much longer.
"Blaine leave please. I want you out of my house. Come back if you think you should but I have nothing else to say to you. Just leave." Not knowing what else to do Blaine left, cursing himself every step. He left, but he wasn't going to stay gone.
Xxxx
With Blaine finally gone Kurt collapsed onto the couch. Just saying that little had exhausted him. Somehow Blaine had done something to clear some of the haze of pain and numbness and make him see what he was doing. But far from helping it just made him as, the poison, the noose, the knife, or the gun. Pushing his sleeves up he gouged his fingers into the gashes covering his arms, his fingers sinking in repulsively deep, coming out coated in blood.
Xxxx
Blaine couldn't take the helpless feeling anymore so he did the one thing he hoped would have some sort of affect. He flipped open his cell and called Kurt's dad, telling him almost everything.
