Day 23

Their camp had turned out not to be so bad, after all. Sure, they missed sleeping on regular beds rather than air mattresses, but all in all, for life after a zombie apocalypse, it wasn't terrible. Walkers really didn't wander far from the urban areas, as the book had told them. They were right by the river, so fresh water wasn't lacking, and they'd stocked up pretty well, but knew they could make trips into the city for food and supplies if needed. Some nights, the girls slept in the RV and the men in the tent, some nights, it was the other way around. The biggest problem they faced now was what to do if winter hit and they hadn't found any help.

"We'll have to either head back and take our chances with living in the city, or we'll have to get ourselves to a warmer climate," Eli mused.

"I think we're just going to have to take things as they come," Gillian always replied. The fate of the world was far beyond their control now. All they could do was hope that someone drove past them on the nearby road, or that they'd come across some other living being during a supply run.

With Cal gone, Gillian made it her sole mission to keep Emily safe and help her through her grief. This made it difficult for Gillian to deal with her own grief, but she didn't have any desire to, anyway. She felt as dead inside as those zombies were.

"You know it's not healthy for you to go on like this," Ben said that evening, sitting down beside Gillian in front of the fire Eli had started earlier that day. She was wrapped in a blanket and stared into the flames, lost in thought. Ria, Emily, and Eli were in the RV, already asleep. Ben knew Gillian probably wanted a bit of alone time, but he also knew she needed to get a lot of feelings out. She'd never let herself do that if she didn't have a little help.

"I know," came her soft reply after a few moments of pause, "But I don't really know how else to be right now."

Ben carefully rested his arm over her shoulders. He wanted so badly to take her pain away. Her pain hurt him, and knowing he couldn't help her pained him all the more. "We're gonna get through this. I know right now it all seems impossible, but…we're gonna make it, somehow. We can't stop believin' that," he told her, squeezing her gently.

"That's what I keep telling Emily. I just wish it were so easy for me to believe that myself. I think she knows I'm an unreliable source. She's gotten good at reading us," she said with a sigh, "It's not fair of me to feel this way. She lost both of her parents in one day, I only lost-" she paused, not sure how to finish, "I didn't lose as much as she did," she decided to say.

"You lost a lot, too," Ben told her, "Just because it was a different kind of loss doesn't make it any less painful."

"Thank you," Gillian said softly, tears welling in her eyes. Ben knew she silently cried herself to sleep most nights. He reached out to wipe her tears away, but she buried her face in his shoulder and finally let herself cry out loud. He held her for what seemed like hours, letting her spill salty tears onto his shoulder until she had none left.

"For you," he murmured, stroking her hair, "Anytime."

She sniffled and lifted her head to look into his eyes, "I'd never have made it through all this if you weren't there," she told him, her voice shaky but grateful.

"You would have," he assured her with a gentle smile, "You're a pretty kick-ass lady, Gillian Foster, in case you hadn't noticed."

She let out a short chuckle and shook her head, "I'm not as tough as I seem."

"I know," he said, pushing a lock of hair from her face, "It's a good thing you're not in this alone, then, huh?"

"Yeah," she whispered, closing her eyes and resting her forehead against his.

"Gillian," Ben murmured. He knew he shouldn't do what he was about to do. He knew he needed to leave her be, let her heal, but damn if he didn't want to be the one to help her put the pieces back together. Gently, cautiously, he caught her lips with his own. She responded slowly, and as the kiss became more urgent, more intense, Ben could feel more of her tears, hot against his skin. He broke from her, an apologetic look on his face, which she quickly disregarded.

"No, Ben, please," she implored him, "I need this. I need you." Her lips were against his again before he could bring himself to object, and by then, he was a goner. He broke the kiss again, but only long enough to lift her into his arms, carry her into the tent, and lay her down on the air mattress.

"Are you sure?" he whispered to her. She signaled her consent with a nod.

Neither one of them slept that night.

Day 24

Gillian was the first to rise that morning. Ben had finally fallen asleep around 4 a.m., but Gillian laid awake for another hour or so before deciding sleep was a lost cause. She slipped her undergarments back on, grabbed the rest of her clothes, and went to submerge herself in the fresh water of the river.

Her head was spinning, and she felt as though a large rock had been dropped into her stomach. Her body was sore and her skin sticky. All she wanted to do was wash everything away. Being with Ben was supposed to make everything better; it wasn't supposed to feel like this. She wasn't supposed to be in this much pain or experiencing this much regret. No, perhaps not so much regret as it was…guilt. She'd betrayed Cal, the man she loved.

It was an irrational feeling, and she knew it, but she just couldn't seem to push it away. Cal hadn't even been gone a month and there she was, hopping into bed with someone else. You're being ridiculous, she told herself. You and Cal weren't even a couple, he never even knew how you felt about him, she tried to rationalize. It didn't help.

She emerged from the water, still feeling unclean, and quietly crept into the RV for a towel and a change of clothes. By the time she exited the bathroom, the others were waking up.

"Morning," Emily said groggily, rubbing her eyes.

"Morning, sweetie," Gillian greeted her, walking over and kissing the top of her head.

"Did you sleep in the tent?" Emily asked.

"Yeah, I did. Ben and I were up late talking and we didn't wanna wake you all up," Gillian lied convincingly, a pang of sorrow shooting through her at the same time as she recalled something Cal had once told her. "You know, you scare me sometimes, you do, how good a liar you can be." She knew she was going to have to implement that skill now.

Ria's eyebrow lifted; Gillian may have been able to deceive Emily, but the young protégé detected facial tics the youngest Lightman missed. She kept quiet, though, knowing better than to reveal anything Foster so obviously didn't want Emily to know.

"Alright, well, I'm gonna go for a bath," Emily said, kissing Gillian's cheek and grabbing her things before heading out to the water's edge.

Ria took the opportunity to satisfy her curiosity. "What was that all about?" she asked.

Eli paused his raid of the cupboard to look at the pair of them. "What was what all about?"

"She had a look," Ria explained, "Guilt. It's still there, and it was even stronger when Emily asked if you slept in the tent. What's going on, Gillian?"

"Nothing's 'going on', Ria, just stop with the interrogation, alright?"

Torres' eyes widened, "Defensive much?"

"Drop it, Torres," Gillian deadpanned, and Ria backed off immediately. Curious as she was about her suspicions, she knew it was in her best interest not to piss off her (former?) boss. Gillian took a granola bar, though she really wasn't in the mood to eat anything, grabbed a book, though she knew she'd be too distracted to read it, and left the RV. Thankfully, Ben was still in the tent. Gillian wasn't quite ready to face him yet.

"Something's going on," Ria told Eli once Gillian was gone.

"Oh my gosh, really?" he asked sarcastically, "Leave it alone, Ria, she doesn't want to talk about it. It doesn't take an expert to see the pain in her eyes. Let her deal with it her own way."

Ria sighed, "If she loses hope—"

"We won't let her. But we still need to let her grieve. Best thing we can do is help Emily so Gillian can help herself."

Ria nodded, and the duo went on with their breakfast.

Meanwhile, Emily had finished washing up and changing, and Ben's figure finally materialized from inside the tent. "Morning," he greeted the girls.

"Morning," Gillian and Emily responded in unison, Gillian avoiding his gaze.

This reaction didn't go unnoticed by Ben. "Em, would you mind giving us a minute?" he asked her kindly. A look of worry crossed the young girl's face, but a nod from Gillian reassured her, and she went back to the RV to join Ria and Eli for breakfast.

"We gonna talk about last night?" he asked softly, once Emily was out of sight.

Gillian sighed, "Ben, I…I'm sorry. I thought I was ready, but I'm not. I can't…" she paused, shaking her head and looking in his eyes, at a loss for words. "I'm sorry," she repeated quietly.

They sat in silence for a minute or two, until Ben spoke up. "I'm not."

"What?"

"I'm not sorry," he clarified, "Last night wasn't just an impulse, Gillian, it's somethin' I've been wanting for a long time, and even if you regret it, I'm not sorry it happened. I love you. I've always…" he trailed off with a sigh, seeing her wide-eyed, shocked expression. "Look, I know this is about him," he said, referring to Cal, "And I understand. Hell, I can't blame you for it. You feel for him what I'm feelin' for you. I'm not delusional, I never expected you to return my feelings, but…maybe someday you will. So if you need us to just be friends right now, I can deal with that, but if you ever change your mind…I'm not goin' anywhere," he told her, kissing her cheek before standing up. He left her alone to think on his words, and went to the RV for some food.

Gillian cried herself to sleep again that night.

Day 42

Things had been rather uneventful. They kept themselves occupied with games and books, and Eli wrote them several amusing songs. Emily kept a journal. Gillian had begun to perk up slightly, but it still seemed to take a lot to make her laugh. Ben implored Eli to try and provoke one from her every chance he could with his music. She smiled more often, but they weren't always completely sincere, and true laughs were a rarity.

Gillian approached Ben again that night, while the others were fast asleep in the RV. "Hey," she said softly, stepping into the tent.

"Hey," he replied, looking up from his book of crossword puzzles.

"Mind if I join you?"

He shook his head and smiled, "Course not," he answered, nodding towards the open space beside him on the air mattress.

"Need any help?" she asked, looking over his shoulder at the puzzle.

"Sure. What's the French word for 'twenty-one'?"

"Vingt et un," she spouted, with a flawless French accent.

"What?" he asked with a laugh, "You're gonna have to spell that one for me."

She laughed in earnest, a sound he cherished, and took the pen to scribble it in the 21-across space. With Gillian's help, the puzzle came together quickly.

"How 'bout a 4-letter word for 'adoration'?" he asked, a more serious look on his face.

"Where does it ask for that?" she asked, searching the clues.

"I'm asking that," he told her, leaning in closer.

She took a breath, finally catching on. "Oh," she said, exhaling softly, her eyelids fluttering shut as she closed the distance between them. She let the kiss deepen and continue, barely coming up for air. This time, he didn't question her readiness. He knew he should have, but they both knew she wouldn't have refused him. She didn't want to stop him. She wanted the pain to stop, and she wanted someone who loved her to try and take it away. She wanted to get lost in him and forget about everything else in the world; forget about the past, forget about Cal, forget her worries for the future, and just feel better.

Sadly, this was not the case.

Day 43

She woke up the next morning feeling empty inside, except for the guilt, which had once again settled itself in the pit of her stomach. She dressed herself and stumbled groggily from the tent, but this morning, Ria had woken up before her, and was sitting by the fire with a book.

"Morning," she said, looking up from the page.

Gillian couldn't look her in the eyes, knowing Ria would read everything on her face if she did. She also knew that her avoidance would be read just as easily, but she didn't know what else to do. "Morning," she said quietly, taking a seat next to her.

"You wanna talk yet?"

"What?" Gillian asked, though she understood the question perfectly.

"This is the second time you've slept in that tent with Ben, and both times, you've woken up looking like you just murdered a puppy. You're in pain, you're grieving, and you're not dealing with it. You slept with him," Ria said, not accusingly, not unkindly, but almost with an air of sadness, "And it hasn't made you feel better. It hasn't helped. The guilt on your face…it's because of Lightman, right?"

"You don't know anything about it," Gillian said with an icy expression, "Do not talk to me about this." She stood, marching to the RV for a change of clothes. Hot tears stung her eyes as she rifled through her bag and pulled out a shirt and a pair of jeans.

"Hi, Gill," Emily's sleepy voice startled Gillian.

"Morning," she said, wiping her eyes.

Emily didn't miss this action, and she sat up, brow furrowed. "What's wrong?" she asked in heavy concern.

"Nothing, sweetheart, I'm alright," Gillian told her, putting on a smile that the youngest Lightman noticed did not reach her eyes.

"Are you sure?" she asked skeptically.

Gillian nodded, "I'm fine," she insisted.

Ria chose that moment to enter the RV. "You aren't fine, Gillian," she objected, "And you can't keep using sex as a weapon to deflect your grief."

"Wait, what?" Emily broke in, suddenly more awake. "What's she talking about, Gill?" Gillian shot Ria a look that sent shivers up the protégé's spine. "Gillian, what…oh, my god," Emily continued, the truth finally dawning on her, "You slept with Ben, didn't you," she accused, her voice breaking. Gillian's eyes told Emily all she needed to know.

"How could you do that?" she shouted, springing out of bed, "Dad…he loved you, and you loved him, and he hasn't even been gone two months! All that talk about how much you miss him, how much he meant to you, how you'd sacrifice yourself for him if you could, while all along you've been sleeping with Ben? Everything you said was just a bunch of lies, and you're nothing but a whore!" Emily seethed, actually more sad than she was angry.

Her dad and Gillian were supposed to be together, and then he was just gone. Emily had always wondered when the two of them were going to admit how they felt about one another; she just never imagined it would be too late when that happened. She'd imagined Gillian being her stepmom. She'd imagined a lot of things, including a stable future, and college, and maybe marriage and kids, and having her parents and Gillian help her raise those kids. None of that seemed even remotely possible now, and her world seemed to be unraveling even faster with the idea that Gillian didn't love her dad anymore. That she'd moved on so quickly when everything was still such a mess and Emily herself was still so broken.

Gillian had stood there through Emily's entire speech, letting her tears fall, but remaining quiet. As soon as Emily spoke her final words, Ria jumped in. "Enough!" she exclaimed forcefully. "Emily, you have no idea what Gillian has been going through! She's been so busy helping you with your grief and taking the time to be there for you and make sure you're alright that she hasn't gotten to grieve herself. She misses your dad every bit as much as you do, and this has been hell on her! Her being with Ben does not mean that she's stopped loving your dad, and you owe her a huge apology."

Emily's eyes widened in shock. Gillian looked at Emily apologetically, and Eli stood there, not quite sure what the hell was going on. "Emily, I'm so sorry," Gillian finally said, her voice soft and broken. "I love your father more than I even know how to say, and I always will. I made a mistake thinking it would make things better, but it only made them worse, and I'm sorry."

Emily contemplated these words for a while. Then, wordlessly, she shuffled over to Gillian and wrapped her arms around her, burying her face in her shoulder. Gillian was shocked, but soon melded into the hug, holding Emily close. Both of them cried, and Ria rubbed Emily's back. Eli walked over and put a hand on Gillian's shoulder.

When Ben entered the RV, the sobs had quieted, but all four were still standing in a huddle. "What's goin' on, everything alright?" he asked. Gillian sniffled and looked over at him sheepishly, as if to say, 'they know'. Ben caught on to her expression, and nodded once. "Can I talk to you outside?" he asked, and Gillian nodded this time. She gave Emily one last squeeze and then stepped out of the RV with Ben.

"I'm sorry," she began, "They figured it out. Well, Ria did, and then…" she sighed, "I can't do this anymore, Ben. I care about you, and you mean so much to me, but I'm just not ready. The guilt is tearing me apart, and I can't—" she cut herself off, a soft sob escaping her.

Ben ran his hand through her hair, "It's alright," he told her, "Please don't cry. This is my fault, I knew you weren't ready. I wanted so badly to make you feel better that I didn't think about what would happen if you didn't."

Gillian shook her head, "I should have said something, and I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't ever hurt me intentionally, it's just—"

"You're still in love with someone else," he finished for her.

She nodded and looked down, "I'm sorry."

"Hey," he said, lifting her chin, "Don't apologize to me. You don't have anything to be sorry for. You've been through hell lately. I just want you to know that I'm here for you, however you want me to be."

"I could really use someone to talk to," she said softly.

"You got it," he agreed, kissing her forehead.

"Hey," Ria said, poking her head out the door, "Are we all good now?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.

Gillian gave a soft smile and nodded, "Yeah. Could you send Em out here?" Ria nodded, and a moment later, the teen was standing next to her. "Girl talk?" Gillian asked.

"Yes, please," Emily consented, taking Gillian's hand, "I'm sorry I called you that," she whispered in shame.

"Don't be," Gillian assured her. They sat by the fire and talked the hours away while Ben, Ria, and Eli chatted in the RV, and for the first time since losing Cal, Gillian began to feel better.