Author's Note:

Thank you Lynda G. for helping me getting a couple of these points right ;)

This was a hard one to write and took me a whole day.

Please let me know what you think!

Yes it shows complete, but there will be at least one more!

Enjoy!


Steph's POV

three weeks later

"I have talked to Dr. Sullivan and we both agreed that you deserve some time away from this place." Dr. Braddock says and comes to stand next to me at the window. I love the view from his office, which is even better than the one from my room. "You have made great progress in the last couple of weeks."

"How long?" I question and turn to look at him. Dr Braddock is in his mid 40's, skinny, with dark brown hair, brown eyes and a killer smile.

"A weekend" he replies and smiles back at me. "But…"

"Of course there is a but...there is always a but with you…" I say and roll my eyes.

"But you will need to have someone with you. You cannot go out alone." He continues as if I didn't say a thing, and I hang my head low. Great, I will need a babysitter.

"Then what is the point of getting away?" I ask angrily.

"The point is that you can see something other than this place and that you can slowly start to lead a normal life again." Dr Braddock explains.

"Normal…"I scoff and shake my head. "I think Doc, you haven't been listening to me these past two weeks. My life hasn't been normal in... I think in like 10 years."

"I have been listening...maybe it is time you go back to normal. Just a normal holiday, sometime away." He suggests.

"I attract abnormal...or crazy and chaos like a magnet...highly doubtful that that has changed" I mumble and look back out of the window. Truth is though that I cannot wait to get away for a couple of days. Les has come here every weekend for the past three weeks and has taken me out and I can finally skip rocks properly now, but at the end of the day I always have to come back here.

"You could ask Ranger" he proposes, turns away from the window and walks over to his coffee machine. "Coffee?"

"Hot chocolate" I answer without missing a beat. "And no, I won't ask Ranger."

"Why not?" Dr. Braddock probes. My other shrink, Doctor Ryan had a death in the family and left to be with them on the west coast. Doctor Braddock replaced him and he sure does not believe in pussy footing around.

Yeah...Why not Ranger, Stephanie? My heart, the traitor, asks, but I ignore it. Ranger has moved on and I can't just ask him for some time away. How is he going to explain that to his new girlfriend?

"Why not?" The Doc questions again, as he hands me the cup of hot chocolate a few minutes later.

Apart from...apart from the incident, Ranger is another topic we have yet to talk about. Every time the Doc brings him up, I refuse to answer. It hurts too much and having to see him every week for a one on one session, which we spent with him making small talk with the shrink and me being silent, just doesn't make it easier. On top of that Ranger shows up here nearly every day.

"Because...because he has a business to run and can't just take some time away." I answer and take a sip from the cup. He seriously makes the best hot chocolate. I gotta find out his secret.

"Try answering that again...and this time don't lie." The man is a hard ass. He has called me out on my shit regularly since I started talking to him.

"Aren't shrinks supposed to be calm, soothing and waiting for the patient to open up?" I question sarcastically not for the first time.

"That's what they teach you in school, but I don't believe in it...sometimes you gotta push people a little" The Doc smirks "...now stop avoiding the subject...Why do you not want to ask Ranger to spent some time away?"

"He has a girlfriend and I don't think it is appropriate to ask him." I tell him, pulling a grimace as the words come out of my mouth. Plain and simple: it still hurts.

"What makes you think he has a girlfriend?" Braddock probes further. "The man got you in the best psychiatric hospital in the country and has come here nearly every day to see you."

"I didn't ask him to come here nor to do this for me. He should have just left me for dead...that would have been easier" I answer harshly.

"Easier for whom? You, him...your friends?" Doc questions softly.

"All of us" I simply reply, sip my hot chocolate and continue to stare out the window. Damn him, he has a way of making me talk that Doctor Ryan didn't have.

"See the thing is that dying is easy, watching people around you die is the hard part. So to think that it would be easier for you to die and leave them behind, believe me it is not! Because they keep on living, knowing that you are gone and they are still here." He leans against the window and looks at me.

"Did you just quote from a Walking Dead episode?" I ask with a smirk, making him chuckle.

"I did...but it is the truth." He points out. "I get the feeling that he really cares about you, or he wouldn't have done this for you."

"I told him I loved him" I admit and turn to look at him. "He didn't reciprocate my feelings and then...after the incident he didn't come by anymore. I heard that he took a woman to one of our local restaurants."

"After what you have told me in the last couple of weeks, how he keeps on saving you, that all speaks of someone who cares a lot about you." the Doc indicates and moves to sit on his one seater. His office is such a cliché. It is spacious and painted in light colours, has multiple book cabinets; a desk, which is cluttered with papers and magazines; a one seater and a beige couch. "I dare to say that you are important to him."

"He saved my life countless of times, I am sure it is second nature to him by now" I retort and walk over to sit on the couch. I pull the woollen blanket over me and snuggle into the corner of the couch, with the hot chocolate.

"I had hoped that he would pull me out of the hole I found myself in, after the incident, and that he would tell me he forgives me for getting nearly getting his cousin, but that didn't happen...so…" I shrug and take another sip from the cup. The chocolate is getting cold, but it still tastes like heaven. I miss my tasty cakes and doughnuts.

"So you were waiting for him to save you?" The Doc questions.

"I guess...but he didn't so…" I shrug again.

"Then part of you must have hoped that he would be saving you that day too" He points out.

"No...that day I just wanted to be gone...make it easier for everybody else. To be finally away from pressure, from obligation, from the constant badgering and negativity. To be at peace." I admit out loud for the first time. "Ranger deserves to be happy and if that happiness isn't with me then so be it. It couldn't go on like this...it was the best way out for all involved."

"Then why didn't you move away?" he enquires. "That would have been the smarter choice."

"No, the smarter choice was to end this once and for all" I comment without thinking.

"I don't believe, that you think that that was the smarter choice...I get that you wanted to be at peace, but there are other ways to reach that. Were you afraid that he and his men would have made it harder for you to leave or that they would have followed you to wherever you went? These men you keep talking about seem pretty loyal to you." The doc remarks, leans back in his seat and looks at me.

"I nearly got his cousin killed... and...and his best friend...I...I cost his best friend the person he loves... So I don't think they are loyal to me anymore...maybe they never were. Ranger always ordered his men to watch me...they are loyal to him...Moving away didn't even cross my mind...I ruined a lot of people's lives and the guilt was too much. If had moved away, the guilt would have followed me too...it wouldn't have made a difference. But dying, that made a difference...as I was lying there I could feel it go away... I could feel the pressure easing away. It was great." I recall and swallow hard.

"You have told me that whenever things got tough, with your boyfriend, Joe, or your mother, or with a skip you sought out Ranger...why not this time? Why didn't you seek his help after what happened?" the doc probes on.

"Like I said I got nearly his cousin killed and his best friend lost the person he loves...no way was I going to seek his help only to be turned away." I admit for the first time out loud.

"You said earlier, that you waited for him to save you, to get you out of that hole you were in. But if he had come, you would have turned him away because you couldn't face him. Am I getting this right?" Doc questions.

"I guess so.." I nod and look into my now empty cup.

We fall silent for quite a while and the only noise is coming from the wind outside.

"Maybe it is time for you to face Ranger, face your feelings head on" And we are back onto the original subject. "What better way is there, than to ask him to spend the weekend with you?"

"I did face my feelings head on...I told him I loved him and he didn't answer with anything but silence." I exclaim and shake my head at the same time. "I can't do it...not again...I can't get rejected again...you know how much that shit hurts?" I wipe away an angry tear and glare at him.

"I do...rejection hurts and it doesn't get any easier, but for you to get better and to let go of that guilt you have, you need to face him eventually. You asked for Lester's forgiveness...maybe it is time to ask for Ranger's?" he suggests.

"I think our time is up Doc" I remark, as I catch a glimpse of the clock on his wall. "I see you tomorrow."

"You can't keep running" He points out in almost a whisper.

"Watch me" I retort loud enough for him to hear, as I close the door behind me.


Ranger's POV

"Thank you for coming" Dr Braddock says and shakes my hand.

"Where is Steph?" I ask surprised. I figured this would be another one of our sessions.

"She just finished hers. I wanted to talk to you...I am sorry if I was misleading on the phone" He says, but looks nowhere near apologetic. My guess is, that he did this on purpose.

"What is this about?" I question and he motions for me to take a seat on the couch opposite of his one seater.

"You." He admits and picks up a file from the ground next to him. "Elite Soldier… US Rangers, you served alongside Lester Santos, Bobby Brown and Pierre Le Blanc in about every sandbox uncle sam had his hands in and then some... You retired at the age of 30 and opened your own security business, which now has branches in Boston, Miami, Atlanta and Trenton...A pretty impressive life you are leading."

"I know my history Doctor Braddock...what do you want to know?" I question irritated. I do not understand the point of this meeting if Steph isn't here.

"You also have a daughter, Julie, to which you have signed away your parental rights" He points out, making me more irritated.

"I do and I did" I nod. "But I still don't understand what this has to do with anything regarding Stephanie and how did you even get this information?"

"Why did you do it?" The Doc questions, ignoring my own.

"What does any of this have to do with Stephanie?" I ask again.

"Humour me and answer the question" he says and looks down at the file.

"Because I wanted her to have a better life. Something I couldn't give her... I was still in the army as she was born, there was no point in trying to be any kind of father when I was thousands of miles away and could have been killed at any time." I answer. "Her Step-Dad was able to be a better father and the smarter choice."

"So you keep yourself emotionally distant from her?" he probes.

"Some what" I nod.

"Why is that?" The Doc looks at me and places the file back onto the ground.

"In my line of work emotions are bad. I couldn't be open to the possibility of being made emotionally vulnerable. Someone could use her to get to me...and I have made plenty of enemies who would love to explore that side." I admit.

"And then there was Scrog, who did exactly that. He had her and Stephanie to get to you." He points out.

"He did" I nod.

"Must have been hard" Braddock comments.

"It was" I nod again, wincing as pictures flash through my brain from that day.

"Did this change your view on emotional distance?" he leans down, picks up a mug from the floor and walks over to his coffee station. "Coffee?"

"Yes please" I answer and get up myself, to look out the window.

"Huh…déjà vu" The Doc says, as he hands me the mug and I look at him with an raised eyebrow. "Stephanie loves this view. She spends her session with me staring out onto the ocean….anyways..so did this change your view on emotional distance?"

"No, it made it even more clear that I have to keep my distance" I take a sip from my cup and continue to stare out of the window. The doc has gotten me curious. I wonder where he is going with this and that is the only reason I am still here. I didn't even allow the army shrink to ask these kind of questions.

"That is strange." He comments and falls silent.

"How so?" I ask and look at him with a raised eyebrow again.

"You keep in touch with your daughter more than you used to. Also you saved Stephanie's life more than a few times and now you are paying for her to be here at the most expensive psychiatric hospital in the country. On top of that you have been sleeping in a house close by and you come here nearly every day to see her. If you are trying to keep your distance, then why are you doing this?" Now the Doc raises an eyebrow at me in question.

"One has nothing to do with the other" I inform him and look back out of the window. "And how do you know where I am living?"

"That's where you are wrong. One has a lot to do with the other...is it that you maybe have changed your view on emotional distance, but you don't want to admit it? Because it would mean, that you wouldn't be able use it as an excuse to keep the people you love away anymore?" He questions, successfully ignoring my own once again.

"I think we are done here" I tell the Doc and turn away to leave. I don't need him to examine my head, I need him to concentrate on Steph.

"You two are more alike than you know" he points out, as I am about to leave the room.

"How so?" I question and close the door again.

"You run away when things get tough and admitting your feelings is even worse...Fact is, you tried to keep your distance, but you fell in love with her. She is your drug and she has shown you life outside of your dark world. That's why you keep her alive. You can't bear to lose her, because you would fall right back into the darkness that is your own life...am I doing alright so far?" The Doc exclaims and looks at me for confirmation. He is good, I have to admit.

As I don't answer, he adds "I am guessing I am bang on track….She told you she loves you months ago, but you didn't respond. Afraid that you would finally have to admit your own feelings too. You may have shown her plenty of time that you do, but women need words, not actions. So before she tried to kill herself after that shooting, you kept your distance, figured she needed time, because she shut you out."

"I have tried everything" I nearly shout angrily, letting out verbally, what I have been trying to let out with my fists on the boxing bags for two months now. "I sat day and night beside her hospital bed, but she refused to talk to me or to any of my men. I figured distance was the best way."

"And now you want to give up, but you can't because she is what keeps you together…" Dr Braddock remarks and sits down in his one seater. Smuck Bastard!

"She is still refusing to even look at me...you have seen it in the sessions." I point out and hover around the door.

"She feels guilty for nearly getting your cousin killed and for the death of her best friend, causing Mr le Blanc to lose the woman he loves" he points out, what I already knew deep down.

"Did she tell you that?" I ask and come to sit on the couch.

"I can't tell you anything she said, that falls under doctor-patient confidentiality" He explains, but something on his face gives him away. Maybe he did it intentionally, maybe he didn't, but what he just told me would explain a great deal.

"We are letting her leave for a weekend, however she needs to have someone with her at all times" The doctor informs me. "I think it would be in the best interest of the both of you, if you were that person to go with her."

"Are you sure?" After how Steph has been behaving towards me, I hardly doubt it is in her best interest.

"Yes, I do. However she shouldn't go home to Trenton. You can stay around here or take her somewhere she hasn't been before, for a sort of mini vacation, but under no circumstances take her back to Trenton." He says with a serious expression. "We have not yet discussed the death of her friend or her parents and it may take a while for that to come out. If you were to go back there, I fear it would make her state worse."

"Thank you Doctor" I shake his hand and get up again.

"Anytime" He nods and I leave his office. I have a mini vacation to plan, for someone who can't even bear to look at me.


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