"A Sordid Kind of Thing"
Disclaimer: I do not own Jesus Christ Superstar, nor do I own the Bible. I am not too concerned with historical inaccuracies, because I'm basing this story on a musical, and also for other reasons that will soon become quite obvious...
Author's Note and Warning: This story contains slash, suicide, murder, angst, sexual content, and profanity. This story describes same-sex relationships between biblical persons! I do not believe these people were historically gay; instead, I am basing this fanfiction on the 2000 film remake of Jesus Christ Superstar (because Jerome Pradon is made of awesome, and there is undeniable sexual tension in JCS 2000). Flames will be ignored, but any other comments are welcome and encouraged!
A Further Warning: This particular chapter is quite a bit longer than the previous three, mostly because it's the last chapter of the "prequel" section, before I get into the "retelling" chapters. Also, this chapter has a heavy amount of sexual content. It's not complete smut, but it's definitely more graphic and pervasive than the sexual content of the previous chapters (or of the chapters which are to follow, as far as that goes).
Chapter Four: "Sad Solution I"
~Judas~
I had to stop! I had to get myself under control. If I didn't, Jesus would certainly make me leave; he'd have no other choice. Not only would I no longer be an apostle, but I wouldn't even be permitted as a "follower." And, with all this new talk of God, Jesus would probably declare me Damned.
But how could I be calm and docile with everything that was happening around me? Not only were we now in danger of attracting negative attention from Rome, but following Jesus' celibacy requirement was taking its toll on me. Yes, I had denied myself for the first thirty years of my life, but that had been followed by three years of absolute carnal ecstasy with Annas.
And now I actually loved a man... And although I had denied myself for his sake for these most recent three years, I knew what I was missing.
Poor, foolish Jesus... He had no idea what we could be sharing together, the physical aspect of passion...
No! Jesus was right about one thing: I did need to conquer my lust for him. Because, otherwise, I was going to lose him, and I could not bear that.
But how could I calm myself? How could I behave like a gentleman, when every inch of my body was tense, every single muscle held taut, ready to snap?
Yes, the tension was the problem. I needed to let go of the tension.
* * *
On the surface, the Temple may have seemed to be an ironic destination. But I hadn't gone there to pray; I was looking for flesh, and flesh was in abundance at the Temple. I suppose Annas was to blame for that. At this moment, however, I wanted to thank him.
Boys, boys, everywhere... I did not want boys. I wanted a man.
No. I wanted Jesus.
After awhile, I stumbled across a boy with stringy blonde hair. I feared this was likely the closest I'd find to what I really wanted.
"Hello... It's awfully warm in here, don't you think?" I casually began.
"Yeah, I s'pose," he slurred. "I know a place with a cool little pond, though..."
"That sounds lovely. Perhaps you could show me?"
The boy looked me up and down. I put a lot of effort into maintaining my body, so I felt quite confident about the whole thing, until I saw his eyes linger critically on my hair.
"I don't usually do bald guys... You got any opium?"
Resisting the urge to beat the boy to a pulp, I weighed my options. Of course, I didn't have any opium. But it was now clear that the boy was not going to fuck me for pleasure's sake; he wanted me to pay him.
I didn't have any money of my own; as an apostle, I'd forsaken it long ago. I did, however, have some of the communal money with me, because I was the designated treasurer. I couldn't exchange any of this money for a sordid carnal act with an opium addict. Could I?
"I don't have any opium, but I do have a fair amount of silver..."
* * *
Once we reached the pond, the boy immediately started undressing.
"You can use whichever hole you want, but you have to give me the money first. And I don't kiss tricks. No exceptions. Okay?"
"I have no interest in kissing you," I muttered.
The truth was, I'd never kissed anybody. Annas and I performed almost every sexual act imaginable, but we never kissed, because kissing meant something. And my recent attempt at kissing Jesus had been disastrous.
I handed the now nude boy 500 pieces of silver, money that was supposed to be used to pay the printer for fliers advertising Jesus' sermons.
Taking off my jacket, I asked: "So, what's your name, then?"
"Sebastian. You?"
"It doesn't matter... Would you mind if I called you a different name, something other than 'Sebastian?'"
He laughed at me, showing a mouth full of rotting teeth.
"Oh, you wanna pretend I'm somebody you know, then? Do I look like him?"
"Your hair is the same color, nothing more."
"I s'pose it doesn't hurt anything. I won't even charge you extra. What's the name?"
"Jesus."
The boy's face turned a sickly gray color. Perhaps he was in withdrawal from his precious opium.
"You're one sick bastard, then, ain't you?" he gasped.
"Excuse me?"
"Look, I need the damned money. I'll let you fuck me, but no way in hell are you gonna call me by the messiah's name. Got it?"
I couldn't believe it... This filthy creature, earning money for opium by selling his body at the Temple, not only knew of Jesus, but had also heard the idiotic talk of him being the messiah. This whole thing was getting out of hand...
What was I doing, anyway?
I couldn't have sex with this boy. Even if I didn't care about my apostolic vow of celibacy, I couldn't be unfaithful to Jesus. Especially not with a stinking opium addict who believed the lies.
"Nevermind, Sebastian. Just forget it. I can't stand the stink coming from you, anyway. Put your clothes on and get out of here."
"Oh, yeah? Well, I ain't giving back the money, so maybe you better think about that again."
"Keep the fucking money! Go buy your opium; I'm sure your beloved messiah would approve of that."
"Fuck you, man," he said, snatching up his clothes. "Can't stand my 'stink?' At least I still got my hair."
Once he was gone, I sat down by the pond and cried.
I would have to find another way to release this pent-up tension...
* * *
~Jesus~
What do You want me to do about Judas Iscariot, Father?
No response.
Why don't You answer me when I pray about Judas, Father? How am I supposed to interpret Your silence? I'm doing everything You ask... I just need to know how to better reach Judas. How do I help him accept how things must be? Why is it so hard for him? I don't have this problem nearly so much with Mary Magdalene... She struggles, I know, but she still manages to accept it.
Nothing.
* * *
Simon was badgering me about the Romans again. I was so very weary of the war-mongering recently taking place in our group.
"Simon, when will you stop with all this? I've told you time and time again, we are not going to stage an uprising against the Romans. Why do you insist upon bothering me with this all of a sudden?"
"Because now we know the truth about you, Jesus! At first, you just came across like a teacher. But now that you've revealed yourself as Christ the messiah, it's only natural that we should be eager for you to fulfill your destiny!"
"Oh, really?" I laughed. "So, you know my destiny, Simon? My Father has revealed it to you before revealing it to me?"
"Christ, everyone knows, has known for centuries, that the messiah would come to save the Chosen People. And we are under Roman occupation now; you will be the one to lead us to victory against the Romans! Why are you fighting your destiny, when it's so-"
"Oh, Simon, stop for a minute!" I shouted in exasperation. "Does anyone know where Judas is? He has the money for the fliers you are supposed to be having printed for tonight, Simon. Well, anyone? Where is Judas?"
As the apostles variously shrugged their shoulders or shook their heads, I noticed Mary Magdalene running into the room. She was a welcome sight: The only one of my followers who hadn't been hounding me about one thing or another. I smiled at her, but she didn't look at me. Instead, she went straight to Peter. He had become quite protective of her lately.
As she whispered something to him, Peter cast a sideways glance at me. Mary started giggling, and Peter stood up, a solemn look on his face.
"Jesus, I believe Judas may be at the pond next door."
* * *
Indeed, I found Judas at the pond. He was standing close to a tree with his back to me. He hadn't seen me entering the adjoining shadowy plaza, so I started to call his name. Then, I noticed something strange about his posture; his hand seemed to be moving near the front of his pants. I assumed he was urinating. I hesitated to say anything to him, because I didn't want to embarrass him.
Many moments passed. Surely, he should be finished by now! But his hand was still moving in front of his pants. Was he ill? Concerned, I took a few steps closer.
Then, Judas turned slightly to lean against the tree. I could see him in profile now, but he still did not notice my presence, because his eyes were closed.
My breath caught in my throat as Judas' activity became obvious. Impossible! He knew this was forbidden!
His right hand was inside his unfastened pants, making quick stroking motions. As I watched, he lifted his left hand and put a finger into his own mouth, and... It was obscene!
I had to stop him, had to say something...
I had certainly been angry with Judas in the past, but nothing compared to the anger I felt toward him at this moment. I could hear him moaning, could hear his heavy breathing, even from where I was standing. Suddenly, he stopped sucking on his finger, and the muffled moans turned into a murmured name. My name...
"I love you so much, Jesus..."
My anger melted. Obviously, this really wasn't mere lust on Judas' part... Still, though, he knew that we had to love each other chastely. And he wasn't honoring that vow.
I really did have to stop him. I couldn't let him continue sinning this way, especially considering the fact that he was thinking about me while he degraded his own body.
And, yet... I found myself unable to move from where I was standing.
In spite of myself, I was becoming rather captivated by the scene taking place in front of me. I had always found Judas attractive, but I had always been careful not to pay too much attention to his appearance. It was safer that way, after all.
But this? This was not safe, not in the slightest.
Fortunately, I could not clearly see Judas' genitalia. It was dangerous enough simply seeing the motions his hand was making inside his pants; it was dangerous enough seeing the shape of his manhood through the fabric.
I forced myself to stop looking at his pants, and my eyes traveled to his arms. They were muscular, but not excessively so. Firm, strong...
I had to stop this! If I was not going to stop Judas from his self-gratification, I at least needed to leave the plaza. It was wrong of me to watch, wrong of me to admire Judas at this moment. I was afraid of the feelings it stirred up inside of me.
I looked at his face. His eyes were still closed, but his eyelids occasionally fluttered. His skin glistened; he seemed to be sweating. When he wasn't forming half-sentences, he bit his lower lip. I couldn't fully understand the intensity of his facial expression, because I had never felt what he was feeling at this moment...
He began to move his hips urgently, and his moaning became louder.
"Yes, Jesus, yes..."
I realized what was going to happen very soon, and that realization finally shook me from my disgraceful voyeurism.
I ran toward him before it was too late.
* * *
~Judas~
"Judas Iscariot! What do you think you are doing?!? Stop that, at once!"
Oh, no...
I quickly buckled my pants, as my face grew hot with shame.
"I was just... I was just... I couldn't find a toilet, and I drank a lot of wine earlier, and-"
"Do you think I am stupid, Judas? I know very well you weren't urinating. And you know very well what your vows are as an apostle. I pray that my Father will forgive your lapse in judgment, and I highly suggest that you pray as well."
I looked at Jesus. His jaw was clenched, his eyes hard, his face flushed. I had never seen him so angry. This was a nightmare; surely, he would abandon me after this.
Indeed, he turned to leave.
"I can explain!" I gasped. "Please, Jesus, let me explain myself. It's not what you think, I swear to you..."
"Do not swear," he scolded. "You know better than this. Animals cannot control themselves. You are an apostle. Not only that, you are the first of the Twelve! I chose you for your intellect, for your goodness. I chose a man, not an animal. When you have composed yourself into a man again, you may come join the rest of us in the gathering place next door. And don't forget the money for the fliers! We're going to be late paying the printer because of this... I thought I knew you; I thought you were an honest man."
Tears stung my eyes.
"Please, listen to me! I wasn't behaving like an animal, despite what you think! I was controlling myself. You don't understand, Jesus."
I tried to grab his arm, but he pulled away.
"That is what you call controlling yourself?" Jesus asked incredulously. "Mary knows how to control herself. Perhaps I should appoint her treasurer from now on, since your carnal appetite is apparently getting in the way of your duties. Now, give me the 500 silver pieces, so I can send Simon to the printer's shop."
With that, all my sadness, fear, and guilt were washed away... Appoint the Magdalene whore as treasurer?
"That's quite a low blow, isn't it, Jesus?" I sneered. "The slut takes my place in every capacity, then. Because you're stupid enough to think she doesn't lust after you? That's really hysterical, I must say. For all I care, she can-"
Then, I saw it.
For a split second, I thought my eyes were deceiving me. But no...
There was a distinct and definite bulge in Jesus' pants. He was not fully erect, but it was certainly noticeable.
The clenched jaw, the flushed face? That wasn't anger; it was the tension I knew all too well, the kind of tension that comes from arousal.
I looked back up to his face. Now, he looked uneasy, worried. I smiled, because I finally had him exactly where I wanted him.
"Tell me, Jesus... Just exactly how long were you watching me before you decided to come scold me?"
"What are you talking about?" Jesus voice was low.
"I'm talking about your pants, Jesus. Did you think I wouldn't notice? Perhaps you had better 'compose yourself' into the messiah again before you join your followers next door."
"You look very proud of yourself," Jesus said ruefully. "I have never said that I am not a man. I have a body, like any man. But, unlike you, I have self-control."
"Your little stiffy didn't come out of nowhere, Jesus. That would be far too coincidental. If you're going to come at me the way that you did, calling me an animal, threatening to replace me with your precious little Mary, shaming me for simply trying to relieve the physical discomfort you caused... Then, I think my question is only fair. How long did you watch me before you decided to stop me from my fun?"
"Judas, this has to stop. If you are going to be my apostle, this has to stop. We can't go on like this. Do you understand? Please, my friend... Tell me you understand. Tell me that you will control yourself, at least when you are in my presence. I don't want to lose you, and that's what's happening. It has to stop."
He was right, of course... I nodded, swallowing against the lump in my throat.
"Okay," Jesus sighed. "Now, the money for the fliers... Would you like to go with me to pay the printer? Just the two of us... We can join the others later. We can talk more on our way to the printer's shop, if you'd like."
Fuck!
"Jesus, I... I don't have the money... I lost it." No, I couldn't lie to him, not now. "I'm sorry; that isn't true... I didn't lose the money. I spent it."
"Spent it?" Jesus was incredulous. "On what?"
"Something at the Temple." There. That wasn't a lie, technically speaking.
"You never go to the Temple, Judas. Why would you have spent money there?"
I wasn't going to get out of this, was I?...
"There are male prostitutes at the Temple..." I told him, my voice shaking.
"How could you?" Jesus whispered.
"I didn't!" I protested. "I didn't follow through. We came here to this pond, and I gave him the money, but then I sent him away. We never even touched each other. I couldn't do it; I couldn't be unfaithful to you. I sent him away, Jesus. I did the right thing! That's why I was touching myself... To make sure I'd never again even consider being with anyone who isn't you. I didn't have sex with that boy... I did the right thing!"
"You gave our communal money to a male prostitute whom you found at the Temple, of all places, and you say that you did the right thing? I don't know what to say to you, Judas... I'm going Gethsemane to pray... Please, leave me alone for awhile, would you? Go next door to the others for now."
The tears returned to my eyes as he walked away.
* * *
I would have been angry when I saw everyone's reaction to my presence, but I was too depressed to muster up the energy for anger.
Laughing, pointing, whispering... I sat down in a corner and tried to ignore them.
Finally, Simon strutted over to me.
"So, did you have a good one, Judas?"
"What are you talking about, Simon?" I asked wearily.
"Well, you know, I hope you were able to finish before Jesus caught you. Then again, you look pretty bummed. Maybe you've got a pretty bad case of the old blue balls now?"
How on earth did Simon know what Jesus had caught me doing?
Simon started laughing, as if he had read my mind.
"Yeah, I guess Mary was just passing through the plaza, when she saw you in the shadows near the pond. She was going to go say 'hi,' but then she realized what you were doing. So, she ran in here and told Peter. Coincidentally, Jesus was wondering where the fuck you were, anyway. Peter told him where he could find you, but not what Mary had seen. And, the rest is history, I suppose..."
"Simon!" Peter called. "Stop trying to cause trouble, man; I mean it. We're all family here... Judas, we need the money to pay the printer..."
* * *
~Jesus~
Why, Father? Why would Judas betray us this way? Is he truly incapable of conquering his lust?
Silence.
What am I supposed to do now? I can't turn him away... That would be cruel; he isn't an evil person. He's just... flawed. He honestly thinks he did the right thing; I know how much he loves me, so why does that love lead him to the wrong actions? Please, Father, I need Your guidance now, and You don't answer me!
The sound of the wind blowing through the trees.
Really, though, I did not need an answer from God. I had answered my own question.
Indeed, Judas loved me. He loved me too much. He was becoming increasingly irrational, increasingly unable to control himself. I knew it wasn't his intention, but he was becoming a threat to me, a threat to my own vow of chastity, a threat to my ability to fully devote myself to my Calling.
Of course, I would not turn him away, nor would I demote him. He would always be closest to my heart... But it was now abundantly clear that Judas was incapable of living up to what I had hoped for him. No amount of talking on my part, no amount of apologies on his part, would change that.
Instead, I needed to turn my focus to my other disciples. There were so many souls thirsting for God, and it was my job to take them there. I could not allow myself to become too distracted. I could not be too emotionally close to someone who drained my energy.
It was time to start distancing myself from Judas Iscariot.
* * *
Author's Note: Chapter Five will be posted soon, and it will be the beginning of the "retelling" portion of this story! Thanks so much for reading; please consider leaving a review!
