Chapter 4: Drowning
I stay stuck there, without knowing what to do or say. Of course, there're a lot of things we could… no, that we must discuss. A lot of things need to be clarified and a lot more need to heal before discussing anything else. We both are far from being healed. I can still see the torture in his eyes, the blame that –aware or not– he rests on my back. And my heart still aches, having lost the so necessary strength to keep beating and missing a sister that will never return.
His eyes burn holes in mines and I –coward of me– can't hold his stare. I'd want to think that I can't because I'm not that arrogant because I can't bear the pain that those blue orbs emanate for my fault. But that's not the reason. It's much simple and so much despicable than that. I can't hold his gaze because I can't deal with the thought that he may never love me again like some time he did. It's because I know he sees me now for who I really am. A fire mutt that destroys everything it touches. A vile and cruel person that only sees her loses and that writhes in self-pity every night when the moon comes out, even if the War left more than one hundred thousand deaths.
I stare at the ground under our feet and I feel all the emotions that filled my chest seconds ago leave in a rush. How could I be so stupid and think that he was going to… to do what, exactly? Receive me with open arms? Kiss me, maybe? I should be grateful that despite everything he has endured he –don't ask me why– still tolerates being anywhere near me. I should be grateful for him still being almost he. Almost.
Suddenly, I feel a warm hand cupping my face, forcing me gently to look ahead. I can't believe what's happening. I must be dreaming. Or much worse, he's only pretending for the cameras and after they leave he will try to kill me. Or even so much worse, he will ignore me for the rest of our lives.
But that's not Peeta, that's me. I was the one who turned around and gave him the back when he needed me the most. I was the one who left him alone fighting against the odds, trying to return to this crazy world where everything sucks. Maybe he was better in that other place on his mind, where everything was like always had been, except for me.
Of course, he was better there.
But he decided to come back, and I don't know why, but he's staring at me again with those soft blue eyes that melt me. "I missed you," He says in a gentle tone with a half-smile on his face. And even though I try to avoid it, I start crying.
I cry without relief even more when he, not asking for permission, embraces me and tries to soothe me, enveloping my little frame with those strong, warm arms. I feel awful for this because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve him nor anything good that is left in this damn world. And yet I have it, after months of reclusion trying to drown myself in agony I have this wonderful man consoling me. I don't know for how much time will it be, I don't even know if he's only doing this because he has pity on me, but it's already much more than what I dared to ask for this morning and for the remaining ones of the rest of my life.
"Katniss, what's up? I thought you would be glad to see me again," Peeta says cupping my face with his both hands and forcing me to look at him. "I know I wasn't the same for a long time," He continues. "but now I'm almost healed. I mean, I still have flashbacks and…"
"Stop!" I cut him. "Stop it, Peeta please," I beg still sobbing. He releases me with a wounded look, stepping back and giving me space. Or maybe giving space himself, I don't know. "I can't pretend anymore, Peeta. I'm so happy to see you again, to see that you're healthy and able to overcome the War. But I can't act like nothing happened and like I didn't fuck up your mind."
"And you didn't!" He screams. "That wasn't you who injected me the Tracker Jacker venom. And I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I wasn't able to fight it back for so long. But I'm trying now. I'm trying to recover what they took from me. I'm trying to be the man you remember."
"Why?" I question with a small voice. I can't understand why is he so eager to be that man for me. He can't love me the way he did before. He will never do it again. So, if love is not what moves him this time, what is it?
"Why what, Katniss? Why am I trying to heal? Why am I trying to be who I was?" He asks to the air more than to me. His voice is low, deep and a bit sad. "It's not for you, Katniss. I'd love to say that it is because that'd mean that I'm healed, that I'm back. But I'm not and I doubt I will ever be. So, it's not for you, don't be afraid," He says with bitterness like he's used to be rejected by me every time he opens his heart. In fact, he is. And it's my fault. I don't blame him. "I'm trying to be that man again because I remember him. I remember that people liked me for who I was. I remember them saying that I was my father's son and I want to recover that. I want him to be proud of me again, wherever he is."
I can see tears flooding his eyes when he finishes. I don't know what to say or if I'm supposed to say something at all. I don't know this man anymore, even if he apparently is the same. He's not my Peeta anymore, the same way I'm not that girl he fell in love with. We're strangers to each other, the dark shadows of the persons we used to be.
I run back home, not daring to look back before getting in. I rest my back against the door when I close it behind me and I slide to the floor. I'm drowning again, this time in a pool of Peeta's tears.
Okay, some not-healed-yet feelings here. Still too early for this two to reconnect. One step at a time, kids ;)
