Chapter 4: A kiss before the world ends

They were walking down the street with a pretty cold wind blowing in their faces. The dark clouds above them warned of even worse to come. But Remus didn't really care about the early spring weather because he had just spent the best birthday he'd probably ever had.

That's why he smiled at the woman walking next to him. "Thanks again, Tonks. Dinner was great."

Tonks beamed at him. "My pleasure."

A distant rumble was heard in the distance and Remus glanced up at the sky when the first rain drops hit his face. "It seems we should both better get home."

"Why don't you come with me to my place – for a cup of hot tea or something?"

Remus looked at her, surprised by her invitation. There was no doubt that he loved spending time with Tonks. But being alone with her in her flat… for some reason that thought made him uncomfortable. The weather was getting worse, though, and they needed to make a decision right now or they'd both be soaking wet.

So he nodded. Tonks smiled, took his hand, and they Disapparated immediately. Next, Remus found himself entering Tonks' living room.

"Uh, it's not very tidy. I wasn't expecting any visitors – not that it would look any different…"

Remus just smiled. "It's alright. I think it's very comfortable."

The room was almost as colourful as Tonks' hair. It was crammed with furniture and lots of other knick-knacks, although nothing really seemed to fit. The walls were decorated with pictures and posters. He spotted Gwenog Jones, head of the Holyhead Harpies, a poster with the Weird Sisters on it and of course a Hufflepuff banner.

But there were also some framed pictures of a more personal nature. Remus took a photo of a man and a woman off the mantelpiece. The man was rather short and big bellied, but he had exactly the same kind face Remus knew so well. The woman next to him was completely different. You could tell immediately that she was a Black. She was tall, had dark, fathomless eyes, brown hair and looked absolutely beautiful, but strangely familiar.

"That's your parents, right?" Remus asked when Tonks came back into the living room, having changed into fresh robes, which reminded Remus that he had to dry his own.

"Yep," Tonks nodded and looked at Remus rather than at the picture. "You're thinking of Bellatrix Lestrange, aren't you?"

Remus winced. Now it struck him why Tonks' mother had looked vaguely familiar, although he had never met Andromeda Black. "They look somewhat alike," he admitted.

"I know, although I've never seen it, but well, she's my Mum."

Remus looked at the picture again. "You just have to look closer, I guess. Her eyes – they look very kind, nothing at all like Bellatrix would."

Tonks smiled at him and Remus realised that she had inherited her mother's beauty. "Did you ever actually meet Bellatrix?" he asked after putting the picture back.

"Not really." Tonks busied herself with emptying the small table near the sofa and then bringing them two cups of tea. "When my mother married my Dad, both Bellatrix and Narcissa would have rather killed her than talk to her again – or her half-blood child."

Remus stared at her for a few seconds, but Tonks just shrugged and indicated him to sit down next to her.

"It's not a big loss, really," Tonks said and handed him one of the two tea cups.

They continued to talk and talk until Remus noticed that it was past midnight. "I really should be going," he said.

"Or you could just stay here." Remus couldn't hide his surprise and Tonks shrugged. "It's pretty late and you never know these days." She looked honestly worried about his safety. "You can have the couch. It's not that bad."

Remus met her dark, twinkling eyes and sighed. "Alright, if it's no inconvenience for you."

"Don't be ridiculous!" Tonks replied happily and started preparing the couch for him. When she was done, she looked a little nervous. "Well, have a good night, Remus."

"Good night," he replied and waited until Tonks had closed the door to her bedroom.

He felt a bit strange lying down on her couch. Sure, they were living in dangerous times, but there wasn't really a security risk in Disapparating to Grimmauld Place. It would have taken him all of thirty seconds. And Tonks wasn't usually the cautious type. But she had indeed looked worried about him and really, why else should she have asked him to stay? She hadn't even kissed him goodnight as she had done on occasion.

Remus shook his head. What the hell was he thinking? Tonks had asked him to stay because she was erring on the side of caution for once – as they all should these days. There was nothing more to it! Still, he could already see the grin on Sirius' face when he learned that Remus had spent the night at Tonks' place. Best not to think about it anymore. It would only give him a headache.

He turned around and must have fallen asleep because it was a loud scream that woke him up again.

Tonks' scream.

In a matter of seconds Remus was on his feet and with his wand at the ready he dashed into her bedroom (tripping over several things on the way). The room lay in total darkness, but there was no one else there. No intruder or attacker or anything of the sort. Remus lowered his wand and realised that Tonks was still asleep. She was thrashing around in her bed, her face distorted with fear – she was having a nightmare!

"NO!" she screamed. Remus was about to wake her up when she screamed again, "No! REMUS! Don't be dead! Please…!"

He froze, staring at Tonks' face, which was glistening with tears. Remus' heart was pounding fast. Tonks had a nightmare about him dying! Now, he felt like an intruder, listening to something so intimate. Still, he couldn't help wondering. She wasn't crying over Mad-Eye's or Kingsley's death...

Tonks screamed again and Remus cursed under his breath. He was standing here like an idiot, wondering whether there was a meaning to all of this, while Tonks was in pain.

He grabbed her by the shoulders. "Tonks, wake up! It's alright. It's only a bad dream."

She stopped moving around, but kept saying his name until she finally opened her eyes. "Remus?"

"I'm here. It's alright. It was just a nightmare," he told her.

Her dark eyes looked at him, trying to understand, and then she flung her arms around his neck. "Don't leave me," she sobbed.

Remus felt a lump in his throat. "I won't," he said quietly. Tonks sunk back onto her pillows, but did not let go of him. "Uh, Tonks…"

"Just stay," she whispered and she sounded so vulnerable that Remus had no choice but to lie down next to her. His heart started beating madly when Tonks snuggled up to him. He felt unable to move, unable to touch her. This was far too close. But when he saw the peaceful expression on her beautiful face, a smile played around his lips and he put an arm around her after all.

When Remus opened his eyes again, Tonks was awake, too, and she was looking at him. "Uh… not that I would mind, but why exactly are you in my bed?"

Remus quickly sat up to get some distance between them. "Uh… you had… a nightmare."

Tonks looked at him and comprehension seemed to dawn on her face. "Oh, right," she said.

Remus hesitated. Should he ask? "Tonks… this nightmare…"

"Would you like some breakfast?" she interrupted him cheerfully.

"What?"

Tonks got out of bed. "Breakfast," she repeated. "Are you hungry?" But she didn't wait for his answer before disappearing into the kitchen.

And Remus ate breakfast with a very cheerful Tonks who made every effort, however, not to talk about the previous night or her nightmare in particular. Eventually, Remus gave up and decided that it was probably for the best. He felt extremely uneasy when he thought about what spending a night with Tonks could mean. They were supposed to be 'just friends', after all.


Remus had been stuck in a dream that involved him drinking a Wolfbane Potion that didn't work when something woke him up. It was still early in the morning, but he was glad to have been freed from his nightmare. Sitting up, Remus realised that what had woken him up (besides Mrs. Black's screeching, of course) were angry voices, now getting further and further away on their way down into the kitchen.

Remus hurried to get dressed, afraid that the yelling meant that something had gone terribly wrong – something that involved Harry or Voldemort – which everything did, lately. But when Remus was halfway to the kitchen, he recognized Mad-Eye's voice and relaxed a little. Mad-Eye yelled often, whether there was a catastrophe or not.

"You are the clumsiest person my eyes have ever seen – and I mean both of them! I can't believe you qualified for being an Auror! You're a threat to everybody who tries to work with you!"

Remus had been about to turn around because this was obviously a personal matter when a female voice answered. "Yeah? Then why did you make me your protégé, eh? If I'm that awful?"

It was Tonks. And Remus hesitated. It was still a personal matter, but if it involved Tonks… Slowly, Remus walked down into the kitchen.

"That's a question I've asked myself numerous times," Moody growled now. "Must have been out of my mind at the time."

"Yeah, I love you, too, Mad-Eye," Tonks sneered.

Remus cleared his throat. "Uh, is something wrong?"

Moody, whose magical eye must have known that he was there the entire time, just sighed. "Mornin', Remus. You can have her. I'm done." Having said that, he clonked towards the stairs. "But one more thing…"

"Constant vigilance," Remus and Tonks said at the same time. Moody muttered something under his breath and left the kitchen.

Remus waved his wand and conjured up two cups of tea before sitting down next to Tonks at the kitchen table. "You okay?" he asked her.

She smiled at him as she always did, but she looked tired and a bit shaken, which made her smile less bright than usual. "Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks, Remus," she said, reaching for the tea cup.

"What happened?" Remus asked.

"Mad-Eye wanted to test our defences at the Department of Mysteries to make sure that what happened to Sturgis or Arthur won't happen again." Tonks sighed. "But you know Mad-Eye. He always goes overboard with stuff like this. Anyway, I kind of tripped over something and that didn't only ruin our element of surprise, but also got the Ministry security on our heels."

Tonks sipped at her tea cup. "But nothing happened. We're all fine."

Remus nodded, relieved that it had basically been much ado about nothing. "Why did you decide to become an Auror?" he asked because he suddenly realised that he had never asked her that before.

"You mean because I'm such a failure?" she asked.

"You are a lot of things, Tonks, but a failure is not one of them," Remus said, emphasizing every word. "And Mad-Eye knows that, too. Otherwise he would have never taken you under his wing."

Tonks' smile became a little more sincere. "Thank you for saying that, Remus. Well, there's not much to it, really. I wanted a career in which being a Metamorphmagus would actually do me some good. Becoming an Auror fitted that bill so I went through with it, although everybody said that I was too clumsy."

"And the job didn't scare you at all?"

Tonks laughed. "Fear was something my seventeen-year-old self didn't know. But at the time You-know-who was gone and I had no idea…" She trailed off. "Now things have changed quite a bit and I'll admit that I'm a little scared – scared that I won't be able to do a damn thing that will help stop You-know-who…"

"I know it can seem hopeless at times. But we've been here before and we still have Dumbledore on our side. We just need to have some faith," Remus said.

Tonks looked at him and rested her head on his shoulder. "Right now, here with you, I have all the faith I need."

At first, Remus wanted to feel uncomfortable at her touch, or rather, he expected to feel uncomfortable. But he didn't. So he just smiled.


It was June by now and things were not looking up. Voldemort still hadn't managed to lay hands on the Prophecy, but he had been joined by ten of his most faithful supporters after a mass break out from Azkaban, while Dumbledore had been forced to leave Hogwarts, which was now under the Ministry's control.

Remus was sitting in the kitchen at Grimmauld Place, next to Sirius and Mad-Eye, and Kingsley and Tonks were arriving just now. The latter smiled at Remus and sat down next to him.

"He's not here yet?" Kingsley asked in his deep voice, referring to Dumbledore.

"Nope," Sirius replied.

"But he should arrive soon," Remus said.

But something else arrived instead. A message from Snape that said, "Request information about Black's whereabouts. Potter seems under the impression that he's in danger."

Sirius jumped to his feet and everyone else stirred in surprise.

"What in the name of Merlin's underpants is that all about?" Tonks asked, puzzled.

"Why should Potter think that you're in danger?" Kingsley wondered.

"Maybe he had another vision," Moody growled.

"That would be a false one then and you better tell Snape so immediately." Remus looked at Sirius, who nodded and waved his wand. A silver dog erupted from its tip and vanished.

A rather tense silence filled the room afterwards and all attempts at starting a conversation died down again quickly.

A few hours later Snape's answer arrived. "Potter and his friends did not return to the castle. It's likely that they have been lured to the Department of Mysteries by the Dark Lord to save Black. Suggest sending someone to their rescue and request Black to stay behind to inform Dumbledore."

The impact of this news was imminent. Everybody jumped to their feet and Sirius looked furious. "Stay behind? I make him stay behind next time I meet him!"

"But he's right that we need someone to be here to inform Dumbledore!" Remus said. But he knew that there was no way to convince Sirius to stay behind.

"If it is a trap, there will be several Death Eaters waiting for us and we'd be seriously outnumbered if we are not all going," Kingsley argued.

"I'm not staying, anyway," Sirius barked impatiently.

"We're going to fight," Mad-Eye agreed and Tonks nodded.

"We can tell Kreacher to inform Dumbledore," Sirius suggested and called for the house elf immediately.

While he was busy explaining everything to the elf and all the others got ready, Remus pulled Tonks aside. "Hey, uh, you'll be careful, right? I need you… to be careful."

Tonks just looked at him for a few seconds. Then she gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "I'll be careful as long as you are, too."

But Remus never got the chance to reply or to react to her kiss because they were ready to leave and did so at once. They entered the Ministry and ran through the Atrium. While they were proceeding towards the Department of Mysteries, Remus watched Sirius, whose face was set. He knew that his only thought was saving Harry.

They stormed into the Room of Death and sure enough found Harry and Neville surrounded by at least five Death Eaters. They didn't hesitate for a second. Tonks sent Stunning Spells at Malfoy, Kingsley engaged in battle with Rockwood and Sirius with Dolohov. Remus got rid of Mulciber, but saw Moody's magical eye rolling across the floor and cursed.

He tried to get to Harry and Neville so that he could get them to safety and saw out of the corner of his eye that Tonks was duelling with her aunt Bellatrix now. Malfoy got in his way and when Remus had finally managed to get him off his back, a horrific view met him. Tonks was falling from halfway up the stone steps, her limb form toppling from stone seat to stone seat while Bellatrix shouted triumphant.

"Tonks!" Remus called her name in horror, but he knew that it was pointless. He could do nothing to help her now. He could only hope that she was merely unconscious and would be fine. Anything else was simply not an option.

But now that Moody and Tonks were both down, it didn't look good for them. Sirius was now duelling with Bellatrix instead and Remus hurried to jump between the two boys and Malfoy, who had his wand pointed at them.

"Harry, round up the others and GO!" he yelled and blocked a curse from Malfoy. He barely heard the two boys leaving and then suddenly Dumbledore arrived and Remus dared to hope that things would turn out fine after all. In a matter of seconds as it seemed, Dumbledore had rounded up all the Death Eaters and bound them with an Anti-Disapparation-charm.

Only Sirius and Bellatrix were still duelling and just when Remus looked at them, Sirius was hit in the chest by another jet of light. This time Remus couldn't even scream while he watched, terrified, how Sirius fell backwards through the veil. But he needed to control his own pain because Harry started shouting Sirius' name and ran towards the veil. Remus hastened to stop him and told him that there was no point – that Sirius was dead, but he wouldn't listen. When Harry finally realised that Sirius would not reappear, he pulled away from Remus and ran after Bellatrix. Remus wanted to follow, but Dumbledore indicated him not to.

So he ran over to where Tonks had fallen instead. She didn't look good at all. She was extremely pale and her breathing was so shallow that it was hard to make out. Blood was dripping from her mouth. Terrible fear slammed into Remus' gut. He couldn't lose her, too. He just couldn't.

Kingsley stood next to him. "Moody's not looking good either," he said.

Remus sighed and carefully placed Tonks' head in his lap. Her colourful, pink hair seemed nothing but a mockery now.


He made his way through the Spell Damage floor of St. Mungo's, searching for the right door. But before he had found it, he ran into Dumbledore.

"How's Minerva?" Remus asked politely, remembering that she had been hit by four simultaneous Stunning Spells.

"She will make a full recovery, as will Nymphadora," Dumbledore replied and they exchanged a look of mutual understanding before Remus continued his search.

Finally, he found the right door and stepped into the room. There were several beds inside, but right now Tonks was the only inhabitant.

"Thank goodness!" she cried as soon as she saw him and tried to sit up. "No one's telling me anything in here. Those damn Healers say I shouldn't get upset."

"Hey, easy there, Tonks," Remus said and sat down on the side of her bed. "We only want you to get well again."

"I will if you tell me what's going on!" she demanded.

Remus sighed. "Alright, Voldemort didn't get the Prophecy. Dumbledore duelled with him and he fled. Harry's safe and the Ministry had no choice but to accept that Voldemort is back. It was on the front page of the Daily Prophet."

Tonks let out a whistle. "But you look like there's something else. Something's wrong, isn't it?"

Remus felt a lump in his throat. He had managed to avoid thinking about Sirius by worrying about Tonks instead. But he finally had to accept that the last one of his old friends had left him. "Sirius… he's dead."

It was even worse to say it out loud than he had anticipated. A pain rather similar to the one he had felt at James and Lilly's death seemed to twist his insides and only looking at Tonks prevented unshed tears from falling.

The little colour Tonks had regained drained from her face again. "Dead?" she whispered. "No! How?"

"Bellatrix." It was all Remus could say.

"No! If only I had finished her off, she would have never…"

"It wasn't your fault," Remus interrupted her gently, but determined. He had expected her to say that.

The tears he was so stubbornly holding back, glistened in Tonks' eyes now. "It's not fair."

"No," Remus' voice sounded hoarse when he heard Sirius' voice in his head: 'All is fair in love and war'. "But he died in battle. It was the way he would have wanted to go. He died to save Harry."

"Still, he shouldn't have died at all." Her tears were now spilling over and making their way down her pale cheeks. "No one should be dying. But it seems like we're losing everybody."

"Yes, for a moment there I thought I'd lost you," Remus said quietly.

Tonks looked at him. "Life's too short," she whispered.

Remus looked right back at her. Her dark eyes were still leaking tears, but they were absolutely beautiful and though shaken by grief, her face was soft and kind. He touched her hair, her always changing hair that never stopped to fascinate him. And suddenly he longed to feel her lips on his again and not to let go of her ever again. Tonks was right, after all. Life was too short.

Just when Remus realised that he had steadily moved closer, she closed the remaining distance between them and again pressed her lips to his own. But this time it was a real kiss and it filled Remus with a warmth and amazement he had never experienced before. He put his arms around her to pull her even closer.

Everything he had ever wanted, everything he had hoped for, seemed to be right here in his arms. And Remus realised that Sirius had been right. He had been in denial. He had fallen in love with this incredible woman and nothing seemed to make him happier than kissing her now. He wanted to stay this way, he wanted to stay with her forever.

But he couldn't, a nasty voice spoke up inside of him.

In a few days time the full moon would be upon them again. And once more he would transform into a deadly beast. And afterwards he would be a little older.

That's what he really was, after all.

Old, poor and dangerous.

What would a young, beautiful and gifted woman like Tonks want with him? How could he have ever dreamed of being with her when he had known all along that she deserved someone much better, someone who was whole and not as tormented? He wasn't nearly good enough for her. This had been nothing but a dream – a dream of a life in which he was no outcast, no bloody werewolf.

Remus pulled back.

Tonks blinked in surprise. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"I have to go," Remus said hoarsely.

"What? But why? I… don't… don't you care about me?"

"That's not the point. I'm not… right for you," he replied harshly.

"What do you mean 'not right for me'?" Tonks asked.

"Don't you see that this is – always has been – nothing but a nice fantasy? We can never be together." Remus got up.

"No!" Tonks grabbed his arm. "You can't seriously believe that. All this time…"

"I'm too old for you, Tonks, too poor, not to mention dangerous." Remus turned away.

"But I don't care! I told you so when we first met! I DON'T CARE!" Tears were now streaming down her face – tears which had nothing to do with her dead second cousin.

Remus turned around at the door. "But I do, Tonks, I do. I'm sorry." And he couldn't stand looking at her any longer. He had to leave now or he would never again find the strength. He was shaking rigorously. The pain inside him was almost unbearable.

But it was the right thing to do. The right thing to do for Tonks. She deserved someone better than him. And he had learned to live with the pain a long time ago.


A/N: I know Rowling said that Snape avoided using his Patronus with the Order, so I didn't mention the word Patronus here, but in all honesty I don't know how to deliver a quick and safe message any other way. Hope you don't mind and enjoyed this chapter ;)