Le Lapin Blanc de la Mort
A Jack episode
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "Lost". They were created by JJ Abrams and Damon Lindelof and they belong to them, Touchstone, and ABC. I just do this for fun.

Young Jack opened his eyes. A trickle of blood flowed down his head. He looked up. A Bully was standing above him, with a smirk. Jack tried to get up again, but than he remembered that he was on top of a skyscraper and he was right on the edge.

The Bully laughed. "Stay down and you won't get beaten up, you punk." But at that point, Little Jack saw Mark Silverman, his best friend, tied up in ropes. Two other Bullies were holding on to one part of the rope to keep the precariously dangling boy from falling off. Jack sighed. Being de facto leader was tough. He had many responsibilities.

Jack tried to get up to save his friend. Mark gave Jack a look that said, "Help me!" Jack rolled his eyes and nodded, exasperated. He would be right there.

And then, right in front of his eyes, they dropped Mark off of the building. He fell to his premature death. Jack gaped at the murderers (a young Tom Friendly, and his old friend Sinbad, who was visiting America).

"Why'd you do that!" asked Jack, running at the bullies. He tried to push them off, but instead he fell off.

He landed on the ground, hard, and let out a manly scream. He didn't appear to be too injured, but his back hurt a lot. He saw the bullies dancing around, laughing. The first Bully looked kind of scared though, and Jack saw him escape into the hotel. The other bullies swarmed around Jack like vultures.

"Should have stayed down, Jack!" they yelled. And they pummeled him to a bloody pulp.

...

Back in the real time, Jack looked up as he saw Charlie running to him, like the bully, but much less intimidating. Jack yawned. It was too early for this. He stood up.

"What's up, Pace?" he asked in a falsely interested voice.

"Jack, JACK! There's someone out there in the water! Someone's drowning!" Jack looked over. Someone was drowning... Charlie wasn't hallucinating. Bummer.

Jack really regretted signing that doctor paper that said he had to save everyone. He ran to the water, taking off his shirt. It turned out Kate loved his abs.

"I... I would have gone out there, but I don't swim. I don't swim..." said Charlie. It was true, he sucked at swimming, but that wasn't the real he reason he didn't want to swim out there. He was afraid of those merpeople. Terrified, in fact.

Jack ran into the water, trying hard to look awesome. He succeeded, in his opinion. He swam out into the water, giving a commentary for the people on the beach.

"I am currently swimming free style, but I'm not trying to keep my legs up, or my head down, because I don't have goggles and I don't want salt in my eyes... Whoa, there was a huge wave that I narrowly avoided with my skillz... I'm getting closer to that drowning guy! Does anyone know who it is, because if it's Sawyer I won't save him..."

"HEY THAT'S NOT NICE!" yelled Sawyer from the beach. He ran away crying. Walt punched him and called him a poo poo diaper baby.

"GUESS IT'S NOT SAWYER!" Jack shouted to the people watching. He was getting pretty close to the person that was drowning. A wild wave dunked him underwater. Charlie and Kate watched, caught in an expectant moment.

While Jack was under he saw the guy that was drowning. It was Boone. Jack grabbed him and resurfaced. Boone gasped for breath.

"Did you get the person who I couldn't get because if you didn't I am going to be really upset?" Boone asked while they were swimming back.

"... What?" Jack asked. He looked over. There was another drowning person.

"Man, we survivors are just drowning machines," said Boone. Jack was stressed. He hated having to save people, but it was his duty. He decided to come and get the person after he safely returned Boone to the beach.

He safely returned Boone to the beach, and started swimming back out to save the other person...

They were nowhere in sight. They had drowned. Jack stared at the ocean, feeling guilty and sad... unused to these emotions, he turned to anger, and swam back to the beach swearing. Everyone stared.

Jack had failed.

...

Later...

Kate found Jack standing in the beach, staring at the water, fingering a vodka bottle. This was unusual behavior for the de facto leader, who was normally in the thick of the action. The action just now had been figuring out who had drowned.

First they'd made sure that all the main characters were still alive. Check!

Next, Scott, Steve, Rose, and Spencer Hastings (the guest star from the Pretty Little Liars who never did anything). Check!

After that they'd checked out the extras... Not so good there. Johanna Miller had died. She was a professional swimmer person.

"Johanna Miller," Kate said, walking up behind Jack.

"What?" Jack asked, turning around and looking at Kate with crazed eyes. He was pretty scary, actually.

"She's the one who drowned. Apparently she went swimming with Ethan Rom... a new kind of swimming Ethan came up with that involved Johanna wearing 10 pound weights on her legs. Ethan came back early because he got tired."

"Hmmm..." said Jack, rubbing his stubble. "Strange... It's all my fault, unfortunately. The others must hate me..."

"No! Of course not! It's impossible to hate you!" said Kate, just as Hurley walked by. He noticed Jack, glared, and stalked off.

"MURDERER!" he yelled back at them. "I HATE YOU!" Jack cried a little, but in a manly way.

Suddenly, he saw that mysterious figure in a muffler and a cloak, standing there watching him.

"YELP!" Jack yelped. "Kate, did you see him?" Kate looked weirdly at him.

"Who? Hurley?"

"NO! The mysterious figure in a muffler and a cloak!" Jack was worried that he was hallucinating. He was just falling apart. A broken man. He remembered when he was perfect. That had been this morning, before Johanna died. Now Jack was a failure again.

Kate realized that Jack must be sleep deprived. That was the only reason he could be acting so strangely.

"... Jack, when was the last time you slept?" she asked, stroking his arm gently. He shook off her lovely hand.

"A while ago... Why don't you leave me alone right now, Kate? I need some alone time." Jack was surprised at himself. Kate was his soul mate! He was going to take the angry words back, but a cat caught his tongue and Kate ran away disgusted. She was allergic to cats. Jack took off the cat with unnecessary force and decided he deserved to be treated like this. He was once again a failure. He no longer had what it took.

On another part of the beach, Sawyer was reading I Was a Non-Blonde Cheerleader (he couldn't wait to see who got Daniel- Sage or Annisa. He hoped it was Annisa).He was smoking a cigarette, and had his back to a rubber tire from the plane. Charlie and Hurley walked past him carrying a cooler.

"Hey, Sawyer," said Charlie with affection. He didn't get why everyone hated Sawyer.

"Hi there, Charlie," said Sawyer with a smile. Sawyer had dimples! Charlie loved dimples. He squealed with pleasure. Hurley saw the book Sawyer was reading and let out a laugh.

"Ha! You're reading books for teenage girls! You are more of a loser than I thought you were, which is saying something!" Hurley smirked. He still hated Sawyer for eating that peanut. Sawyer frowned.

"Bye, Hurley," he said pointedly. He puffed his cigarette. Charlie noticed.

"Are you sure you want to be smoking by the plane stuff?" he asked. Sawyer's eyes widened and he put out his cigarette hastily. Hurley rolled his eyes.

"Come on, Pace." They toddled off, Charlie giving Sawyer a little wave. Sawyer finished his book (it left him feeling exhilarated. He couldn't wait to read the sequel, Brunettes Strike Back) just as Shannon came sauntering up to him.

"Do you have any sunblock? I just found out that Charlie's had expired years ago." Sawyer raised his eyebrows.

"Sunblock can expire?" he asked.

"I know, it's disgusting, it expired in 1956... I feel so icky now!" Sawyer smiled politely.

"Well, I have sunblock that I bought last month, would that be okay?" He held it up. It was the kind that had the picture of the almost naked little girl with the pink towel on it. Shannon smiled.

"Thanks. What would you like for it?" she asked. Sawyer's eyebrows went up even higher.

"You're gonna give me something for it?" Shannon nodded. She got out a bag of valuables.

"Yeah, you can pick something from here for your stash." Sawyer's dimples shined brightly. But how did she know about his stash?

"Who told you about my stash?" he asked, taking a little bell. It was shaped like an ugly and fat angel and it said "COMPASSION" on it. He decided to call it "The Compassion Fairy".

"Um... like, everyone knows about it, Sawyer. Except for maybe Charlie and Boone, because they are so out of the loop. Thanks for the sunblock!" Shannon giggled and pranced off with the sunblock. Sawyer felt strangely happy.

Shannon did that to people sometimes.

Meanwhile, Charlie and Hurley had found Jack, who they had been looking for. He stared at them with insane eyes and dilated pupils as they prepared to open the cooler for him.

"Drum roll, please!" said Charlie. Hurley patted his belly as Charlie cracked open the lid.

Inside were three bottles of water. It was the last of their water.

"What is this," asked Jack, not using a question mark because he just. didn't. care.

"This... is the last of our water!" said Hurley. Charlie looked worried.

"I thought there were four bottles left!"

"Well, I got thirsty," shrugged Hurley. Charlie sighed, but seemed otherwise unaffected by this news.

"Jack, how do you think this is gonna last with 47 thirsty people?" Charlie asked, his hands shaking.

"46." Jack corrected him. "There are 46 survivors now because I FAILED!"

Charlie tilted his head to the side and looked strangely at Jack, wondering if he was okay. If Charlie had learned anything about Jack in the days since they'd crashed, it was that Jack didn't acknowledge his own mistakes, only other peoples'. So why now?

"Yeah, whatever, so Johanna's dead and it's your fault. What are we gonna do with the water?" Hurley asked as the group walked over to the makeshift medical tent, dragging along the cooler. It was so... heavy...

"Why are you asking me." Again, no question mark. Things like water had never bothered Jack the hero- oops I mean Jack the failure. Charlie cleared his throat.

"Well... you're the de facto leader, Jack. Please tell us what to do." Jack growled at them.

"No! I will not help you! I can't, I don't have what it takes!" Jack ran off, crying and pulling out parts of his hair. Hurley swore.

"Is everyone here incompetent?" Hurley put the water out of the way in the tent. Charlie's mouth watered.

"Hurley... I'm thirsty!"

Hurley glared at him, holding up a dagger as if to say "Go away", so that's exactly what Charlie did.

...

On another part of the beach, Kate was folding laundry and disposing of the clothes that no one needed. Sayid had missed some the other day.

Kate was singing under her breath.

"I fell in love with a real city boy, gotta teach him 'bout nature, teach him 'bout joy..." Claire toddled up to her.

"Us Amazonians know where we stand, we got kids, we got jobs, why do we need a man?" Together they sang:

"Us Amazonians make out all right, but we want something to hold in the forest at night!" They laughed.

"I'm Claire," said Claire, extending her hand for Kate to shake, but Kate pushed it aside and pulled Claire into a hug. They laughed.

"Let's be friends!" Kate said, smiling. Claire nodded

"Alright!" Claire squinted at Kate for a moment. Then she smiled. "You're a Gemini, aren't you?" Kate rolled her eyes.

"Yep. How'd you know?" she asked. Claire giggled.

"Oh you know, quiet, friendly... You just had to be a Gemini." Claire smiled. "I'm Scorpio. Enigmatic, peaceful." Kate sighed.

"You really believe in astrology?" she asked. Claire nodded.

"Yep... you wouldn't, though... most people don't. Especially not Gemini." She rolled her eyes. Kate avoided her eyes, uncomfortable with the situation."Oh, Gemini." Claire said under her breath with a smile. Kate laughed, and they were BFFs, just like that.

...

Jack was having a flashback.

Young Jack walked into his living room. His alcoholic father, Christian Shepard sat in an armchair watching comedy shows on TV. Jack entered just as his father had let out a huge guffaw.

Jack cleared his throat. He was covered with bruises. His father looked him over.

"What happened?" he asked in a cold voice. He took a chug of his alcohol.

Jack avoided his gaze.

"Mark Silverman got thrown off a skyscraper," he said. Christian raised his eyebrows.

"And you didn't?" he asked. Jack shook his head.

"I fell off while trying to avenge Mark's death, father." Christian laughed a little. He shook his head.

"Jack, you don't get it, do you?" Jack stared at his father. What didn't he get? He got almost everything! Maybe this had something to do with the death of his dearest friend?

But that was not so.

"You don't get what it takes to be a leader, do you Jack?" Jack, shocked, shook his head. "Well, even though you don't have what it takes, I was hoping you would at least know what you didn't have!" Christian glared at Jack with glazed eyes. Jack was speechless.

"Dad... what is that I don't have?" he finally asked. Christian let out a little laugh.

"Oh, Jack." he said, shaking his head, "You don't have what it takes, that's what you don't have. Me? I have what it takes. I'm different. You're... you're not good enough. Want an example have how you're not good enough?"

Jack nodded quickly. He wanted to be the best he could be.

"Well, today when your best friend was killed, you tried to do something about it. That was obviously not the right choice, Jack. Look at yourself."

Jack looked at himself.

"There are consequences for not having what it takes, Jack. Consequences like that shiner on your eye and your several broken bones." Jack nodded, not wanting to admit to himself that his father had a point. How could Jack get what it takes?

"Dad? How do I get what it takes?" Christian Shepard thought for a moment.

"I really don't know, Jack. I have what it takes... let me think for a moment of what I do to have it..." he thought for a moment. "Well, for example, today I was attempting a life-saving surgery while drunk. I failed, and the guy died. But did I try unnecessary things to save him? No. I just let him be. I came home, changed my clothes, poured myself a drink and watched comedy shoes. I laughed. How can I do that? Well, Jack, I just have what it takes." Jack nodded... was he a hopeless case?

"You're a hopeless case, Jack."

...

In real time, Jack was standing, staring at parts of the plane, fingering a vodka bottle. Boone jogged up to him.

"Hey, Jack?" Jack looked at him, blasted out of the memory, and groaned because it was Boone. "Jack, I have a lil' question to ask you and except an answer!" He stamped his foot.

"You mean you EXPECT an answer, not you EXCEPT an answer, Boone. What's your question."

"Why did you save me from drowning. It was so annoying of you!" Jack ignored him. "Hey, hey Ja-ack! Listen to me! Gaa you are no fun at all."

Jack looked at Boone. "I saved you because I'm the de facto leader, Boone." His voice was hollow. Suddenly, he saw the mysterious figure up ahead. He started walking to it, not taking his eyes off of it.

"But... but why are you the de facto leader? What did you even do? I am so much better than you! I run a business!" Boone jogged after Jack, who was starting to run after the mysterious figure. "JACK! COME BACK!" he yelled. But Jack didn't hear him. He ran into the jungle, after the figure, because the figure looked A LOT like his father.

Boone was left standing there alone.

"Welp, looks like we all have a new de facto leader on our hands," he said to himself, putting on a sheriff badge. He smiled, puffed out his chest, and strutted off.

...

Ten minutes later...

"That pregnant lady falled down!"

Walt was yelling for help. Claire had fainted, but no one around him seemed to notice. He looked around frantically, not knowing what to do.

"Miss Kate! Come here! The pregnant lady fell down! She fainted!" he yelled again. Kate looked up from the quilt she was stitching. She ran over to Claire, and Charlie, who had heard Walt too, came with her.

"Here, I'll pick up her upper half, and you get her legs!" instructed Kate. Charlie grabbed Claire's legs, freaked out that she had fainted. Together he and Kate carried her to the medical tent and laid her down, giving her a blanket as a pillow.

"Get her some water!" said Kate, arranging her friend's limbs in a feminine way. Charlie ran over to where he had put the cooler earlier.

It wasn't there.

The cooler was completely missing.

"GAA!" yelled Charlie, freaking out under pressure. "KATE, THE WATER'S GONE!" Kate whipped around to look at him.

"What! Where is it?" She ran around the tent looking for the cooler. Charlie helped. They couldn't find it!

"Well, Charlie, hurry up and go get more water!" Kate said. Charlie gaped at her.

"How! That was the last of it, Kate!" Kate gaped back.

"That was the last of the water and you didn't tell anyone!" Charlie cleared his throat.

"You're assuming things there, Kate! I didn't keep it as a secret! Don't be angry, please! I told Jack... maybe he moved the water?" Kate shook her head.

"I doubt it, but we should go ask him what to do with Claire. I can't believe we have no more water, Charlie!" She spun around and stalked out of the tent. Charlie, who was kind of annoyed at Kate's attitude, decided he should stay with Claire in case she woke up.

Kate found Sayid to help her, because she could always rely on him to be smart, unlike Charlie and Sawyer. Together they looked for Jack, but they couldn't find him anywhere.

Kate ran her fingers through her hair, distraught. She almost cried, but at the last moment she stopped herself. There was no need. Sayid would think of something.

"What are we going to do!" she asked Sayid. He thought for a moment.

"We should go ask the bald to find us more water! He's good at stuff like that." Sayid started looking for Locke immediately.

They found him sitting in Jack's tent rummaging through the doctor's bags. He looked up with a guilty expression on his face and hid the hallucinogens (to use on Boone later) he had picked out behind his back. They had a conversation with him. He agreed to finding water for them. They were just about to leave when he asked,

"Where is the doctor?" Sayid and Kate looked at each other and shrugged. They didn't know. And honestly, Kate no longer cared about her "friend" the doctor. He didn't really have what it took any more. But Sawyer... he was sexy. Plus he read cool books.

"I dunno." said Kate, and she and Sayid began the search for the missing water. Locke picked up his bag of divining supplies, and went out in search of new water.

...

Jack, who was running through the jungle, almost got his father. He was a foot away, just about to grab him, when he got attacked by a flashback!

"DANG IT!" he shouted just as he was completely overcome with the memory.

Jack was again in his living room, but this time it was an older Jack, about the same age that he is in present time.

His father was nowhere in sight, but his mother, who was crying, was sitting in the armchair. Jack was sitting on the floor eating a bowl of Crunchy Flakes.

"Jack, why do you eat those vile things?" Jack looked up. He also had tears in his eyes. What had happened?

"Mom, I eat these things because...

Crunchy Flakes, Crunchy Flakes, give you what it takes,

Eat a dishful everyday, you'll feel bright and gay!

Crunchy Flakes, Crunchy Flakes, give you what it takes,

Lots of sugar, lots of cream, puts you on the beam!"

Jack took a little bow for his mother, who just cried harder. She glared at Jack.

"The only reason your father left was because you got what it takes, Jack! How do you think that made him feel?"

"Hmm... let me see... proud, maybe? Oh wait, it's my father we're talking about! Of course, I'm such a terrible person, I should have realized that my success made him JEALOUS!" Jack kicked his mother's elephant leg umbrella holder into their alligator skin couch. The umbrellas fell on their beautiful bear fur carpet.

Jack's mom didn't catch the sarcasm or the anger and thought that Jack finally understood.

"Yes, Jack, YES! So I need you to go get your father from Australia and stop eating that vile cereal." Jack gaped her.

"No, I am not going to get my idiot dad and stop eating the cereal that has made my life what it is!" It was now Jack's mom turn to gape at him.

"Okay, Jack... I thought you might do this. Here, how about you go to Australia, but you can eat your cereal?" Jack squinted at her.

"Mother..."

"Jack..."

"Fine... DANG IT! But I still don't love him!" Jack's mother rolled her eyes.

"Of course not, Jack. No one does."

The flashback ended as suddenly as it had came. Jack looked around.

He was on the edge of a cliff. Kind of like the skyscraper thing, which made Jack angrier than he already was.

"Bye bye, Jack." Jack's eyes opened wide when he saw Seth Norris and the mysterious figure standing next to each other with evil smiles.

Seth ran over and kicked Jack, knocking him off the edge! Seth and the guy in the muffler and cloak disappeared in a flash of glittery gold.

Jack grabbed onto a root, barely able to hold on. He was just so mad because he had thought that Seth was his friend! I guess he's too much of a success to be my friend... he thought to himself, remembering Johanna. He sighed and prepared himself for his death.

Maybe death would be better than being a failure. He prepared to let go of the root when...

A hand started reaching out for Jack. The hand was creepy. It must belong to Locke! thought Jack. He immediately grabbed onto Locke's hand and pulled himself up. He didn't really want to die. That was just an impulse.

When Jack was successfully pulled up completely he laid next to Locke and laughed like a crazy person.

Locke took Jack to a quiet, shady clearing in the jungle. Jack laid down and took a nap as John started divining.

"Water... water... water." Jack woke up and watched Locke walk around like a fool.

"You're not going to find any water out here, I tell you." said Jack wisely. Locke smiled at Jack. It appeared he'd gotten some of his old pizzaz back.

"The signs are all right on the money. It's a full moon tonight, plus it's May."

"It's September, John."

"Oh, well never mind, then. There's no use in lookin' for water, I'll never find any." Locke threw down the stick, which snapped in half. "I hate divining anyway."

They were quiet for awhile, but eventually Jack started making little "ehh..." and "urhmm..." noises.

"WILL YOU STOP IT?" yelled Locke. "WHY ARE YOU MAKING THOSE NOISES?" Jack started crying in a manly way then, terribly destressed. Locke huffed. "Jack, you're just falling apart! Tell me, what's the matter?"

Jack wiped away some of his tears. "Why would I tell you, John?" Locke looked skeptically at Jack.

"Jack if you don't pull yourself together and tell me what's wrong in 5 seconds, I'm going to have to be the new de facto leader."

Jack whimpered.

"1... 2... 3... 4's awful close!"

"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I'LL TELL YOU!" Jack leapt up dramatically. Locke smiled at the result of his threat and decided, Hey, I like threatening people! It helps me get what I want.

Jack sat down on a flat rock, keeping his back straight and his chin up, ready to explain in full detail his peculiar actions. He took a deep breath. Okay, he could do it.

"Well, John, the first thing that started bugging me was when I had a hallucination of my dead father- oh wait, the you didn't know he was dead yet! Forget that part. Okay, so I was hallucinating this man."

Locke thought of the hallucinogens he had taken from Jack's bag and he wondered if Jack had used them, too.

"The man that I saw was appearing randomly, and he scared the wits out of me, if you don't mind my use if that expression."

"Not at all. Please continue."

"Alrighty, than. The next thing that got at me was that this morning I ran out of Crunchy Flakes, my favorite cereal. They give me what it takes, you see. Well, at first I thought, 'it's no big deal. I bet I've eaten enough of those for a life time of having what it takes!' But, oh I was wrong. I started suspecting that when Charlie came up and talked to me and I responded. I actually responded to him. See, I normally don't stoop so low as to talk to druggies."

Okay, I guess he doesn't use the hallucinogens, thought Locke, And Charlie does drugs? Well who'd a thunk. I'll have to keep that in mind when I aggravate him tomorrow.

"So that's when I started to realize something was not right. But I really knew it when I failed to save Johanna. Gosh... I wish I still had what it took." Locke nodded sympathetically.

"So do I, Jack. Because you're our leader. And we need you back."

"I don't feel like a leader, John." Locke looked Jack in the eye.

"Jack, maybe your hallucinations are just that- hallucinations. But maybe- just maybe- they're not. This island's different. You and I both know it, but no one else wants to admit it because it scares them."

Jack stared at Locke, bewildered and shocked that he was saying stuff like this. He dismissed it as bunkum and balderdash.

"What everything that happened... here... happened for a reason?" Locke asked. He smiled and said, "I'll leave you to think about that, Jack. Then after that you can figure out your white rabbit of death."

He got up and left, grabbing his bag. He waved at Jack, laughing at his shocked expression.

...

Meanwhile, on the beach Kate and Sayid were spying on people from afar to see if they had the water.

It had been an hour and they still hadn't seen water. Until Sun pranced by holding a bottle of water and sipping it daintily.

Sayid ran out and tackled her. "THIEF! WATER THIEF!" he yelled. He was just about to punch the small woman when Jin ran towards him.

"YOU STOP THAT NOW! DO NOT DARE HURT MY WIFE!" He pushed Sayid off of Sun and they started fighting. It was a full on brawl.

"Gaaa!"

"Gaaaaaaaa!" Meanwhile, Kate walked up to Sun.

She pointed at the water bottle.

"Where'd you get that?" she asked. Sun pretended to be confused for a minute, and then she pointed at Sawyer. Kate's eyes widened. "You got it from him?" she asked, pointing at the water and then at Sawyer, who was now reading Brunettes Strike Back.

Sun nodded. Kate left her alone and marched up to Sawyer.

"Give me the water now, Sawyer." She no longer thought he was attractive. Sawyer looked up.

"Can you believe that the whole squad wants to dye Annisa's hair blonde? Well, not everyone, I mean Mindy doesn't, and neither does Whitney, but everyone else does! It's horrible. Just because she's the only brunette on the team... and what's up with Daniel? He's spending a bit too much time with Sage, if you ask me." Kate gave him a funny look.

"Sawyer. Give me the water."

Sawyer smiled at her. "I don't have it, I'm sorry." Kate's temper flared up at once.

"Yes, you do! You gave some to Sun." They looked over. Sun was watching, amused, as Sayid and Jin went at it with each other.

Sawyer smiled again. He. Had. DIMPLES! Kate smiled in spite of herself, her anger dissolving. Okay, maybe he was kind of hot.

"I gave Sun my last bottle of water, not the camp's bottle of water. I have no idea who took all of that water." Kate squinted at him suspciously, but she believed his story. Oh well. Maybe Locke would be back soon.

"Is this series any good?" she asked him, picking up I Was a Non-Blonde Cheerleader. Sawyer laughed.

"Is this series any good? This is one of the best book series I have ever read! There's still another book after this!" he smiled and held up A Non-Blonde Cheerleader In Love. Kate squealed with joy and started reading.

Over in the medical tent, Charlie was still waiting for Claire to wake up. While he was waiting he had divulged in his dwindling drug stash. He had hardly any left, which really bugged him. He did not want to run out!

Charlie was humming when he noticed that Claire was starting to wake up. She looked around groggily.

"Where am I?" she asked, rubbing her eyes. Charlie smiled.

"In a tent, on an island, lying down next to your soul mate." Claire looked up, now annoyed, and saw Charlie. He riggled his eyebrows. "I have Skittles in my mouth... wanna taste the rainbow?"

He was smiling. Obviously he found himself very amusing.

Claire decided to confuse him a little.

"Ta, mate. Not to grouse, but I feel like I could chunder." Charlie nodded with a silly smile on his face. Claire didn't think he understood her.

"Yeah, me too." Okay, he definitely didn't understand her. Claire tried not to smile.

"Ummm... really? You're not having a lend at me, are you? I'm not really in the mood for that right now. 'Ken hell, I'm knackered."

Charlie tried to process what she said.

"Umm... sorry? Are you... okay?"

"Fine. I'd much rather be lying on a doona now than just the sand, though. This is just poxy." She looked at Charlie with amused eyes. A cold wind blew through the tent. "Brrr... can I have my sloppy joe, please?" Charlie stared, not even trying to hide his confusion anymore.

"Isn't a sloppy joe a type of sandwich?" he asked.

"Why would I be asking for a sambo right now? Are you mad? I am pretty thirsty though, where's that esky I saw earlier?"

Charlie gaped at her. "I know I must sound like an idiot, but what the bloody hell is an esky?" Claire stared at him.

"A cooler. Do you know... where the... cooler... is?" she said slowly. She had expected him to understand her a little more than this.

Charlie did a facepalm.

"Actually... no one knows where the cooler is. It was stolen," he said, calming himself down by humming softly.

"Who stole it? Are we out of water?" Claire was getting upset now. She was parched.

"We are out of water, but it's gonna be okay. Locke's getting us more."

"Which one's Locke, again? Is he the hunter?"

"Yeah, the one with 400 knives... I counted, you know." He was trying to impress her with his ability to count to numbers as high as 400. She rolled her eyes.

"Wow... you actually took the time to count?"

"Well... um... if you put it that way, I sound like an idiot." Claire smiled.

"Maybe that's a good thing." Then she stood up and pranced off aloofly. Charlie was left wondering what the heck he did wrong. The truth was, he hadn't done anything. Claire was just on an anti-boy streak because her old boyfriend (the father of her baby) had left her. But Charlie didn't know that, so he did more drugs so he wouldn't have to think about her.

What a lack of communication. *SIGH*

Meanwhile, Sayid and Jin were still fighting. Right now Jin was winning.

"NO ONE HURTS MY WIFE! EVER! YOU HEAR ME!" Jin had him on the ground, whimpering. Finally, Jin got up, wiped blood off his hands, and walked away.

Oh great, now he was thirsty. And they were out of water, Sun had said. Jin spat on the ground, frustrated.

Sayid cleaned his wounds, wincing. He couldn't believe that he had lost! He normally won all the fights he was in. Jin was obviously a very advanced fighter.

Sayid pulled himself to his tent. He needed help. Shannon saw him, and walked over.

"Are you okay?" she asked. Sayid nodded, but it was so painful that he collapsed. Shannon screamed, thinking he was dead.

Steve ran over to help.

"I'LL HELP!" he got out a first aid kit. Sayid moaned as Steve expertly cleaned and sewed up his wounds. Shannon stared, amazed that an extra could do that.

"How'd you do that?" she asked, when Sayid was asleep. Steve shrugged.

"I teach a first aid class at a college. It's no biggie." Shannon smiled.

"You were amazing...!"

"Steve, the name's Steve. And you are?"

"Shannon." They smiled at each other.

"Maybe sometime you could teach me that stuff?"

"Any time." They stared at each other, mesmerized. But then Sayid woke up.

"Urghh... It's hurts!" he said. "Shannon, can you give me a back rub?" Shannon and Steve looked at each other. Extras and main characters weren't supposed to get on like that.

"Uh, sure Sayid!" she said, giving Steve a little wave as he quickly walked away. They shared a smile, and then he was gone.

...

Jack was sitting on that same rock, when he had another flashback.

Jack, wearing detective clothes, entered a hotel room with a man. They came in, and looked around at all the smashed bottles of beer and whisky. The TV was on, and a comedy show was playing. No one was inside the room but Jack and the man.

"WHERE IS HE!" Jack yelled at the man, who's name was Anthony Cooper...

"I'm sorry, I don't know, son."

"I'M NOT YOUR SON, MISTER!" Anthony took a step back, away from Jack.

"I know that! It was just a nickname, Jack!" Jack squinted at him.

"Where is my father? Tell me the truth! He was the number one dad." Jack was embarrassed to hear his voice crack on the last few words, so he said it again, and again, until he said it correctly.

"He dead, boy."

Fifteen minutes later, Anthony and Jack had successfully broken into the Sydney morgue. They were dressed all in black and they were sneaking around, looking at the bodies to see if any of them were Christian Shepard.

They only had one more body to look at. Jack crossed his fingers hopefully, but he didn't know whether or not he wanted his father to be dead...

The last body was Jack's daddy. Anthony patted Jack's back comfortingly as they quickly and stealthily carried the body out, knocking over the guards that were dumb enough to get in their way.

When they were safely far away, Jack wept.

Jack was even crying after the flashback had ended. He wiped away the tears that were a result of his serious Daddy Issues.

Jack's dad walked up to Jack.

"Jack," he said. Jack looked up, picked up a gun, and shot his father down.

"I hate you," he said to his dying dad hallucination, and he got up and walked away, not regretting his harsh actions at all.

Now that a version of his father had died at his hands, he felt light and giddy.

"OH HAPPY DAY!" he yelled, because no one was there to hear him be loud and happy (he was waaay too cool to act like that in public). He jumped up and down. "I AM SO HAPPY!"

He ran around with his eyes closed after that. It was a lot of fun, until he got lost. Then it was kind of horrible.

He tiptoed around, scared. Suddenly, he tripped.

He looked down to see that he had tripped on a disturbing doll and fallen into a stream of clear water.

"Water...?" he said. It was! He looked at the doll. "Luella, there's water! Water! Sweet Jesus in Heaven." Jack cupped his hands together and started drinking. It was delicious.

"Mmmmmmm..." he said. He splashed some all over himself. Now that he was rehydrated he took the time to tie his shoes. He jumped up and down with joy.

"Tied his shoes all by his self! Tied his shoes by his self, he's gonna strut his stuff all by his self, he's strutting and strutting..." Jack strutted right into a cave.

Wait. Omigosh. A CAVE?

Jack started thinking, his brain functioning properly for the first time all day. There was fresh water here... and creepy dolls... and there were caves to live in, too! Jack had the plan all worked out in his mind: all of the survivors of the plane crash could live here with him, and he would be their king because he found the place! They would have water and Locke would bring them food. It would be perfectly splendid. Just perrrrrfect.

Suddenly, Jack's eyes moved in the direction of an upsetting object. Before his brain could block it out for him, he screamed, running towards it and smashing things.

It was his father's coffin. His dad wasn't in it.

Jack smashed it into smithereens. He burnt the pieces. And then he had a flashback.

Jack was in the Sydney airport, standing in front of a desk. He was yelling at the lady standing behind it as people behind him in line stared.

"PLEASE YOU MUST LET ME! PLEASE!"

"I'm sorry, sir, but we cannot allow you to burn your father while riding on the plane! Not only is that just wrong, but coffins aren't allowed with the passengers and you can by no means bring that blow torch on board the plane."

"PLEASE YOU MUST LET ME! PLEASE!" Jack shouted at the lady. She stared at him. Jack groaned. "Please... I want him gone."

"I'm sure there are ways to do that when you land in Los Angeles, sir!"

"We're going to Los Angeles, too" said Boone from behind Jack in line.

"I guess so!" said Charlie, who was behind Boone. "Hmmm... I've never been to California before."

"Well I have. Many times, too," Boone said. Shannon whacked him.

"Because we live in California you nitwit!"

"So you say," Boone said.

Jack cleared his throat.

"Excuse me, I have a rant to do," he explained. Jin nodded his head at Jack and did the A-Okay gesture so Jack went on.

"Um, where was I... oh yeah! PLEASE YOU MUST LET ME! PLEASE!" The desk lady glared at him.

"May I please help the next person in line?" Jack walked off yelling "DANG IT!".

Boone walked up to the counter.

"Alrighty then, how is California?"

The flashback ended and Jack temporarily (very, very temporarily) let go of his Daddy Issues. He walked back to the beach, a smile on his unshaven face and a backpack full of water.

...

Back on the beach, Claire was asleep in the medical tent, on a doona (a mattress, in case you didn't know).

Boone crept into her tent, singing the Bed Intruder song under his breath.

"Better hide your kids..." He had a water bottle in his hands. He must be the water thief!

Boone adjusted his badge. He had decided that he was good lookin' enough to wear one. He sneakily poured some water into Claire's mouth. She woke up, startled.

"What!" Since it was dark outside, she couldn't see who it was. "Is that you, Charlie?"

Charlie walked in because he had heard his name while lurking outside doing drugs.

"What about me? Was I in your dreams?" Claire looked over and saw him standing in the entrance to the tent.

"Than who's..."

"BOONE! BOONE TOOK THE WATER!" Artz the science teacher yelled, running around the camp. "BOONE TOOK IT!" Claire squinted. It WAS Boone!

Charlie pushed him out of the tent roughly.

"Who do you think you are, kid? What makes you think you can steal our water?" he said, naturally adopting a Brooklyn accent.

Sayid came up, cracking his knuckles. "Yeah, punk, whatchu do that for, eh?"

"I was only trying to help... HELP!" Boone tried to struggle out of Charlie's grasp.

"What say we teach this boy a lesson, boys?" Charlie suggested. Sayid nodded.

"Yeah... we should... Hurley? Come 'ere and show him what we do to thieves 'round this part of the beach." Hurley came up with his knife.

"SO... you thought you'd try and mess with us, huh? Well no one messes with the Hurley, right boys?"

"Not unless they're suicidal. Are you suicidal?" asked Charlie innocently. He had lost the accent. Sayid glared at him.

"NO, but I'm am the de facto leader!" Boone couldn't escape. "HELP ME!"

"Oh we'll help you all right... help you DIE!" Hurley was just about to kill Boone when Jack ran up.

"STOP! ENOUGH!" Jack hook-kicked Sayid, side-kicked Hurley, and pushed Charlie over. "EVERYONE, STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND COME HERE!"

"It's Jack!" "The doctor's back!" "Where was he?" "Does he have water?" Whispers like that spread through the camp rapidly. Actually, the same ones had been going around all day, but this time time there was a reason for them.

Almost all of the survivors crowded around Jack in a huge circle. Jack almost expected them to join hands and sing John Lennon songs. He gave a significant look to Charlie, because of that John Lennon song about quitting heroin. Charlie didn't see the look, unfortunately.

Jack cleared his throat.

"Hem, hem. Alright now. It's time for me to deliver a speech... I guess I have some explaining to do, huh?"

Everyone nodded.

"Yeah, you sure do!" yelled Nikki. Jack got. He tried not to drool when he saw her.

Aww, people an butterflies in his stomach just looking at herd their obsessions with celebrities. Moving on.

"Well... I guess you could say that, I never really had what it took. That's why I was so depressed earlier. But, I am the de facto leader anyway."

"Wait what. I thought I have the title of de facto leader now?" Boone asked. Jack shook his head.

"Nope. Anyway... earlier we were out of water. Just like yesterday we were out of food. And like yesterday, today I found a way to solve that problem."

There was some muttering at this, because Jack hadn't solved that problem.

"I found water by some caves. It's about a mile away from here. I walked the distance in two minutes, though, because I'm fast. Okay, so anyhow. Boone took the water, right?"

"YES. KILL BOONE. HE TOOK THE WATER HE MUST DIE," yelled a group of people, or at least Jack thought that's what they yelled.

"This man tried to help and now you're trying to stab him? I am shocked at you people! Knives, guns, those things are not going to work. If you want someone dead, you've got to count to five! No way around it... I found water, just like I said, so we're gonna leave Boone alone now, OK? I'll take a group of people down to the caves first thing in the morning. If anyone wants to come, tell me. If you don't want to, find another way to contribute! We've been here like six days or something, and we still haven't gotten rescued! So we better start living together!

"Because if we can't live together, we're gonna die alone."

Jack took a bow, and everyone clapped for him. It was quite an impressive speech.

...

Later that night, people were calmed down. Everyone had had something to drink and they were relaxing now.

Boone was sitting alone. No one liked him anymore.

Sawyer walked up to him and sat down. "It stinks being hated for no reason, doesn't it?" he said. Boone pouted and nodded.

"Yea, it kinda does... How can you handle it?" Sawyer smiled. Boone did a double take. Sawyer had dimples!

"Well, to handle it, I read." He handed Boone I Was a Non-Blonde Cheerleader, which Kate had finished. She was now reading Brunettes Strike Back, and Sawyer was on A Non-Blonde Cheerleader In Love.

Boone smirked at the book.

"I already read that, Sawyer you dum-dum." Sawyer hesitated, then gave the book to him anyway and walked off. Boone started reading it for the first time ever. (He had lied about reading it.)

Meanwhile, Kate walked up to Jack while holding a bowl of Crunchy Flakes. When he saw them, his face lit up with pleasant surprise.

"Where'd you find these, honey?" Kate smiled.

"In Sawyer's stash. He had ten boxes!"

"That dog. Give 'em here!" He reached out greedily for the cereal. Kate smiled and gave him a spoon, and they dug in together, kissing after each bite.

"So, what were you doing earlier?" Kate asked, while they were imbetween bites. Jack did that creepy thing when he smiles weirdly and shakes his head.

"What, apart from finding water? I just had to clear up a few things... I lost my doll in Sydney..."

They smiled, and kissed, content.

LOST