This story was inspired by my brain refusing to stop. The title comes from me having "Let My Love Open the Door" stuck in my head.
He walked home, slowly. Rita spoke the truth, even if he tried to pretend like she didn't exist in that moment. Olivia Benson. She had been his weakness for a lot longer than he would care to admit.
"I'm going to be right here. OK. In your corner." He couldn't even pinpoint when it had happened.
"I was protecting you. If you had testified against your fellow officers, your career at the NYPD would have been over." He like to tell himself that it was because she was one of the good ones, one of the amazing one. But it was more than that. Her reputation proceeded her, especially when he told everyone he was transferring to Manhattan. "Watch out for that Benson. She's hell on wheels". But damn, if she wasn't more than that. He had seen lesser people burn out in a fraction of the time she continued to work in that job and fight the good fight.
But then Tucker… it had all gone to shit. And then confiding in Carisi instead of her about the threats against him. He wasn't sure that they would have ever gotten back on track, but here they were, slowly trying to. But there was tension. Maybe all of it had brought it to the forefront of their thinking. He knew it had for him for sure. She drove him…
"You drive him crazy. Just doing my job". So crazy. It had been years since that little run in with his mother and Olivia and Lucia still asked about her at least once a week. He rounded the corner to his building, asking for some kind of sign or moment to give him a push. A push he was terrified of, but knew he desperately needed. Knew they both desperately needed. And then… there it was.
"I'm coming back to get Noah." She was facing away from him. What was she doing here? He slowed down, just taking her in. There was something frantic about her in that moment. Manic. Almost… scared? But of what?
"Amanda… it's just… so scary". He would literally scorch the earth to take that fear out of her mind. He knew he would do whatever it took to make her feel safe. He always had.
"But Amanda…"
He walked up behind her, quietly. His fingers itched to reach out and still her, as she paced back and forth, running her hand through her hair.
"And say what? Hey Barba, mind if I come in and take off your clothes?" Thank God for his quick brain and reaction time. Because the rest of his thought process had shut down hearing that she was thinking about undressing him.
"Only if I get to repay the favor". He watched her freeze. If she had been facing him, she would have seen him basically do the same thing. She pulled the phone away from her ear and he heard a cackling from the other end of the line. He chucked quietly as she held the phone up in front of her, like it had personally offended her or something. He needed to see her face. Desperately.
"Liv. Liv, can you turn around?" He took a few more steps into her so they were just a breath away from touching. It had been a very long time since they had been this close. It had started to feel wrong and it was so hard for him to be that close to her and not touch her, comfort her, be able to wrap his arms around her.
"I would rather not. Just waiting for a hole to open up in the ground here. Should be any minute now". He shoved his hands in his pockets and smiled. Nerves. What he couldn't put his finger on till right now. Nervous energy. He thought it was just him. But she had it to. He wasn't making this up in his head. He had convinced himself this would always be one sided. That he had to find a way to make peace with it and move one. He hoped the break from her and work would give him some clarity. But the only thing that was made clear to him was the depth of their relationship. It had consumed him over those two weeks. She turned to face him, finally and all he could do is look at her. Her beautiful face. Eyes filled with a bit of terror and the unknown.
"How much of that did you hear?"
"Enough" he replied. Enough to know that he needed to get them off the street. He smiled brightly as she cursed Amanda's name to the sky. If Rollins was the catalyst to Olivia standing here in front of him, he would have to find a way to repay her in a large way.
"Can you please stop smiling at me like that?"
"I'm not sure I can right now. Sorry." He glanced at her lips, wondering if this was finally the time that he would get to see if his dreams were right about how they would feel pressed against his.
"So, we just gonna stand here on the street or are you coming up?" He watched her agree and gave over to his need to touch her, resting his hand on her back as they walked out of the night and into whatever was next.
