Bored On A Sunny Day

By Bella Masen Cullen

A/N This is a spoof on Star Wars as well as Twilight... Read and see. Then you shall understand Esme's undying fear of the deadly MEAT TENDERIZER!!!

Disclaimer: Sadly, yet again, I own absolutely NOTHING.

Chapter Four: Attack of the Meat Tenderizers

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…" Esme started, recalling the most traumatizing moment in her memory, so she said. My entire family, plus Bella and I, were all sitting around the large leather chair Esme had chosen to tell her story from. I had no idea why we had all agreed to it. I looked back, earlier today…

Bella had accidentally put down the 'vampire' card in her Apples to Apples deck for 'scary', and she was trying to cover up.

"So, Esme!" she said, "Where did your, er, strange fear of Meat Tenderizers come from?"

"Would you like to hear the story?" Esme asked, slightly giddy. My entire family erupted into a chorus of polite turn downs, but Bella pushed her on.

Right. That's why.

"Darth Tender and his army of evil Steaktroopers explored the galaxy in their Knife Fighters, looking for the one Spoon that could be Tender's apprentice and destroy the galaxy. As I'm sure many of you have guessed, Darth Tender was a- a- meat tenderizer…" Esme whispered the last two words, her eyes wide as dinner plates. How cheesy was this?

I looked around the circle. Jasper and Emmett seemed excited. I rolled my eyes in disgust. Alice and Rosalie were doing each others' nails. I couldn't see Carlisle anywhere. I wondered where he was. Bella was in my lap, her cheeks still slightly red. She was attempting to look like she was enjoying herself. I chuckled and returned my attention to Esme.

"Cheese Forkwalker lived on the planet Cucumber with his uncle and aunt Lettuce. One day, Cheese decided to take a walk. He was ambushed by a Steaktrooper, who successfully convinced Cheese that he was a clown by giving Cheese a pink balloon." She shuddered.

"Cheese loved clowns and pink ballons, so he followed said Steaktrooper, whose name was later found out to be Hummus. Hummus brought Cheese up to Tender's Meatball, a large planet-shaped space-station Tender had created, triumphant in his victory. Darth Tender walked up to Cheese and-"

"What'd he do Esme?! Oh spare us, what did he do?!" Oh, how pathetic. I looked over at Emmett as he said this, and saw that he and Jasper were both hugging each other in fear, biting their nails.

"I know it's scary boys, but you've got to hold on!" Esme replied motherly, and then put on a stern face as she continued with her story.

"Darth Tender walked up to Cheese and- and- TOOK OUT A CHEESE GRATER!" Esme jumped out of her chair and waved her arms in the air for 'dramatic effect'

"OH MY GOD!" Jasper and Emmett screamed, still clutching each other tightly. What babies! I looked at Rosalie and Alice. What is my family turning into? I thought when I saw them. They too were hugging each other for dear life.

"Hold me Edward!" Bella screamed, burying her face into my chest. Okay, one good thing came out of this…

"Yes, Darth Tender took out his cheese grater and asked Cheese to 'join him for dinner'." Esme buried her head in her hands. "Darth Tender served…" She burst out in tears. "Linguine with the sauce -hic- on the -sob- SIDE!" Esme fell down onto the chair, her head still in her hands.

Her words were met with loud, girlish screams coming from everybody in the room but me.

I suddenly heard a large crash from upstairs, and took the distraction to escape. "I think I'll go check that out." I said, gently putting Bella on the ground and rushing upstairs before anyone could stop me.