Jiminy Cricket
BPOV
There was a moment every day right after I woke up when I panicked, certain I had lost something terribly important, or forgotten to do something that was a matter of life or death. Then I remembered. I forgot to be someone Edward could love forever. I forgot to make him want me the way I wanted him. And I lost him. Then I dragged myself to school where I could see every day what I had lost. Occasionally Edward would speak to me, but the rest of the Cullens stayed away. I understood, they were his family, but I missed them. Once, about a week after we returned from Volterra, I caught Jasper looking back and forth between me and Edward with confusion or perhaps concern, and I thought he was going to come and speak to me. I wondered if perhaps Edward's bloodlust was becoming a problem, now wasn't he wasn't in love with me, or pretending to be, but Alice simply rested one small hand on Jasper's forearm and gave her head a minimal shake, and he never came over to me.
I'd taken to hanging out with Angela and the rest of the group at lunch and in between classes, trying to uphold the illusion that I was a regular teenager, that I didn't spend half my time fantasizing about Edward losing control, making me a vampire, and then slowly falling in love with me. I tried to pretend that waking up every morning wasn't a disappointment. My efforts to be normal and friendly must have worked somewhat, because one day Jessica caught me lost in space in the Chemistry room. "Hey, Bella," she said, interrupting my reverie. The room was empty. Huh. I guess class was over. "So, are you coming to Tyler's party tomorrow night?"
"Oh, um, I don't know."
"C'mon Bella, it's going to be so fantastic. His parents have a pool table, and a hot tub, and I heard some of his brother's friends from college are going to be there. Hot. College. Guys. You have to come!"
"Ok." Arguing seemed like a lot of energy. Plus, I didn't have anything else to do and a party would at least keep me out of my room for awhile, where every night I stared at the window, so ashamed to open it and have no one go through it, but unable to sleep until I did open it.
"Great! Lauren is driving, we'll come by and pick you up at 8. Actually, wait, what are you planning on wearing?"
"Jess, I just found out I was going, I haven't planned what I was going to wear." She narrowed her eyes. "In that case, you obviously don't understand how important it is. We will come at 6 and we'll all get ready at your house!
Jessica and Angela were already ready when they got to my house, no doubt they knew they would need to focus on me. Jessica was in a white baby doll top and miniature khaki skirt and Angela in a pretty gray silk halter and black hot pants. I expected Jessica to pull an outfit out of her bag, but instead she brought forth a couple of bottles of Smirnoff Ice.
I accepted the drink because it was easier than arguing, but as I took the first cold gulp, I suddenly realized, I wanted to drink. I'd always rather looked down my nose at teen drinking. I thought the other kids were just trying to be cool and impress each other and rebel against their parents. It suddenly occurred to me that there might be things they wanted to forget. That they might be desperate for a little fun, to feel alive, to let loose. Or certain they had already ruined themselves with a bad test score, or a bad decision, or a lie they told and thinking that if they could mess up further it would matter less.
After we finished the bottles, Jessica gave me a shot of Tequila, which I dutifully threw back. The liquor seeped down through the layers of my subconscious, flooding some errant thoughts I'd suppressed to the surface. I wasn't just sad anymore. I was angry. Why had he changed his mind about me? What gave him the right to take that away? I know he wanted me at some point. I could feel it. Maybe if I was a little less innocent, I would know what to do to make him mine again. He didn't even have to love me, my love would be enough. I would be satisfied to be just a distraction. He just had to want me.
Jessica pulled out my outfit for the night, and Slutty Bella, apparently someone who appears on my shoulder after about three drinks, nodded sagely in approval. Skin tight skinny jeans, a lace blue bustier top, and murderously high fuck me peep-toe ankle boots. Jessica squealed when I came out of the bathroom and twirled slowly, awkwardly around. "You look soo hot Bella." "You too Jess." I said. Suddenly an evil thought occurred to me. Rather than an Angel and a Devil, or a little green cricket, alcohol apparently caused Slutty Bella and Angry Bella to manifest themselves and express their opinions. But they weren't arguing. They were consipiring.
Edward won't see the new outfit or Slutty Bella, or Angry Bella, tonight in person, but I bet I can make sure it's featured in several highlight reels on Monday. Just because he couldn't read my mind, didn't mean I couldn't give him a piece of it.
