A/N: Sorry for the delay – Not only did I spend some quality time with the family, I had a lot of neglected chores to do and I um may have got distracted by YouTube and the endless Tom Felton interviews. Ops!
Chapter Four
Harry was just about to start his coaching session, when Draco joined him. "I hope you don't mind me gate crashing. You did say I could help?"
Harry stared for a moment, he hadn't seen Draco in quidditch robes for a long, long time and well he looked very sexy in them.
"Oh no I don't mind. I'm just about to start." He sent Draco a warm smile and then proceeded to introduce Draco as the second coach for their sessions.
Draco was pleased he decided to join Harry at his coaching session. He hadn't flown for a long time, being back on his broom, feeling carefree and enjoying the simple art of quidditch. It was exhilarating.
Scorpius was bored and so he decided to go watch Al and James at their quidditch coaching session. When he reached the pitch he saw Draco and Harry flying, demonstrating a quidditch move. Draco was a really good flier, he was smooth and speedy.
This caused mixed emotions for him, he was somewhat proud that his dad, NO not dad – Draco. He was proud that Draco was such a good flier. But he also felt cheated, all those years lost, if Draco was around he could have shown him how to ride a broom, taught him quidditch and all his moves. He felt angry that Draco missed these important milestones in his life.
Seeing him coach the other students, was like a glimpse of what he could have had, if Draco hadn't walked on him.
Harry could see the familiar shade of blonde hair and so he dismounted. "Alright Scorpius? Want to join in a friendly game?" Harry asked him.
Scorpius saw Al nodding enthusiastically. He liked flying with Harry and Al, he decided he should stop doing what he liked, just because Draco, once again turned up uninvited.
"Sure, I'll go get changed and grab my broom" and he walked away.
He returned moments later and mounted his broom, flying straight over to Al. Ignoring Draco's watchful gaze.
They played a quick game, Al and Scorpius both seeking. Then Harry and Draco took it in turns to show them a different and useful move, which could help Al improve his game.
Scorpius enjoyed flying and soon forgot that he was meant to be angry at Draco. They flew well together and managed to beat Harry and Al, but only once. Everyone stopped and were heading back to the castle.
Draco was proud, Scorpius was a great flier, a natural and handled his broom confidently. "You're a great flier" Draco complimented his son.
Scorpius was happy at the compliment, but now he wasn't flying, his previous anger started surfacing. "Well no thanks to you. You weren't there to show me how to ride a broom, teach me to fly and show me quidditch. Nothing in my life is thanks to you." And he stormed on ahead.
Harry had watched as the two Malfoys walked back together, he stayed back to give them space. However he just watched as Scorpius stormed off, leaving a shocked Draco to stare after him.
Al hurried off after Scorpius and Harry walked slowly over to Draco. "It looked like it was going so well" Harry commented.
Draco looked at Harry and then they both started walking back to the castle, "I think he has a point, I wasn't there for all the important parts of his life" he sounded downbeat.
Harry knew both Scorpius and Draco had a point, "Look Draco it wasn't like you didn't try. Because you did, it's not all your fault, Scorpius blames you because it's the easy option."
They parted ways at the grand staircase and Harry knew Draco would be going over all the regrets he had and what he missed by not seeing Scorpius grow up.
That weekend was a Hogsmeade weekend and Harry watched as Scorpius and Al wandered away heading into the village. Once the boys were out of sight, Harry spotted a smallish book, left where they were sat. He walked over and picked it up. It looked like a journal, and flicking through the pages he noted it was Scorpius'. He recognised the hand writing. He would keep it safe until he returned.
Harry was sat writing out his next lesson plan, when he caught sight of Scorpius' journal. Well Harry had always had a problem with privacy, looking into pensives' and things when he shouldn't. He was too curious for his own good, so he opened Scorpius' journal and started to read.
Scorpius had written a few poems and one in particular made Harry feel bad for reading it.
When I was only three years old,
My daddy went away.
He swore he'd always love me,
But he said he couldn't stay.
Days turned into weeks
And weeks turned into years.
I never saw my father,
He never saw my tears.
He never read me bedtime stories
Or tucked me in at night.
He never showed up for my birthdays,
But I always hoped he might.
He missed my first day of school
He doesn't know how smart I am,
My report cards full of O's.
Sometimes I want to call him
To say Hey Dad I'm still alive!
I'll be 14 years old soon,
The years go by so fast.
I'm looking forward to my future,
But I'm still trapped within my past.
I guess I'll never understand,
Did I do something bad?
My parents got divorced,
But why did I lose my dad?
Harry shut the journal, deciding he really shouldn't have intruded on Scorpius' personal feelings that way. He saw Scorpius at dinner and gave it to him, "You left this behind this morning" he said as he slid the journal towards him.
Scorpius' eye narrowed, "Oh. You didn't read it, did you?" he asked, uncertain.
Harry didn't want to lie but he didn't want to embarrass Scorpius by admitting he had read his poems. However his silence must have confirmed it.
"Well isn't that just fantastic, go ahead and tell Draco and everyone, how poor Scorpius lost his dad and he's hurt by it" he voice angry.
Harry was pleased it was the end of dinner and most people had left. "Scorpius, I'm sorry I shouldn't have read it. It was very wrong of me, but I won't tell anyone about it and its okay to be hurt by what you have been through." He kindly said, hoping Scorpius would accept his apology.
Scorpius stood and snatched the journal, he stomped over to Draco and slammed the journal on the table, next to Draco's plate. "Here, read it. Then you will see why I hate you so much" and he walked away glaring at Harry as he went.
Draco was confused, he was enjoying his dessert when Scorpius, looking furious slammed a book on the table, shouted at him and left. He picked up the book and realised it was a journal, Scorpius' journal. He picked it up and left the hall.
He caught up to Scorpius, "Scorpius. Here take it back, it's yours. I don't want to read it, it's personal" he tried to hand it back.
Scorpius shook his head and pushed Draco's hand away. "No. I don't want it back. I want you to read it, I want you to see how much pain and hurt you caused me."
Draco sighed, "Scorpius please. I've been hurting too, it's not been easy, being denied access to you. Just come to my classroom, we can talk about this. Maybe I can read this and you can talk to about them, explain what you feel, it might help me understand"
Scorpius glared at him but headed for the potions classroom.
Once inside he stood defiant and arms crossed, "Why Draco? Why did you leave me?" he sounded angry but upset too.
Draco wasn't sure if Scorpius was going to cry or start screaming, "I left your mother not you. I had hoped I would get joint custody. I tried, I really did. We can go round in circles discussing it, but your mother did everything in her power to make sure I couldn't see you. I don't want to place blame, but you can't blame me entirely" Draco was annoyed too, why should Astoria escape the blame.
"Well if you weren't death eater scum, then you might have been granted custody!" he yelled.
Draco rubbed his temple, "Do not speak to me like that. You may not like it, but I am your father and I will not be spoken to that way." He was firm and strong.
Scorpius uncrossed his arms and marched up to the nearest cabinet and started chucking things on the floor, "I can do and say what I want. You're no father of mine and you cannot tell me what to do" he said as he started smashing up various objects and throwing books.
Draco gripped Scorpius wrist, very tightly, "I wouldn't throw that if I was you? Not only is childish, that contains a lethal potion and it would cause you to experience grave and serious effects" he warned, releasing Scorpius wrist.
Scorpius put the vial down and stared at him, "I understand that you are angry and you need to vent your anger somehow. But destroying my classroom, will not change anything" Draco flicked his wand and the classroom started righting itself.
"Now if you're willing to act like a young adult and not a spoilt child, I will be willing to talk to you about this" he stared at his son, face firm, lips pressed together.
Scorpius continued to stare at him, then he grabbed his journal and marched to the door. Turning when he reached it, "I'm telling mother you're here and she will get me transferred" and then he left.
Draco groaned, he hoped that was an empty threat, he really really hoped that it was just said in anger.
Harry had heard the whole fight, he had gone to apologise to Draco, for starting the issue over the journal. But stopped when he heard them fighting, now Scorpius had left, leaving a dazed Draco standing in the middle of the room.
Harry entered, "Hey Draco. That um went well" he joked.
Draco laughed, "Quite the little shit when he wants to be" and he sat against his desk.
Harry confessed to reading Scorpius poems and he explained that Scorpius was really effected by the divorce, "At the bottom of all this, is a frightened little boy who doesn't understand why his dad doesn't love him. I know that you do, but he feels like you don't."
(Time Skip)
Harry had a plan, he had put some of his memories into a pensive and he was going to call Scorpius to apologise, and then conveniently leave the room. He was hoping that Scorpius was just as curious as he was, and he hoped he would look into the pensive. If he saw Harry's memories, of parts of school, the war and the battle, it might be enough to get him to listen to Draco.
It was Friday 'marking' night again and Harry was thinking over his idea. Unsure if Draco would want Scorpius to see some of the memories, they were traumatising.
Draco chuckled, "Harry, you obviously have something you want to say. I've never known you so quiet. Just say what's on your mind, I might be able to help." He was intrigued, Harry had been distracted all night and remained introverted.
Harry watched his beer swirl around in his bottle, not meeting Draco's gaze, "I've been thinking of ways to get Scorpius to give you a chance. Well I had one idea. It's a long shot." He glanced up at Draco.
"I was thinking maybe I could leave certain memories in a pensive and Scorpius accidently comes across it and hopefully he would watch them. What do you think?" He hesitantly asked.
Draco frowned, "Depends on the memories, no way is he watching your point of view of Dumbledore's death" his frown deepened.
Harry shook his head, "No, I know that. I meant maybe memories that show the good you did. He's only heard about the bad."
Draco snorted, "The good, no Harry. I don't think so. If you show the memory of the snatchers and you at Malfoy Manor, he will have more questions, about his grandparents – everything. No I don't want him to see it. Maybe hear it, but definitely not see it" he was firm and wouldn't allow Scorpius to see Harry's memories.
Harry sighed, he thought that would be Draco's answer, but he couldn't have done it without telling him. He thought some more, "Maybe I should just talk to him, tell him my side of things, then he might see things differently. If I can forgive you and understand why you did what you did, then surely he can?" Harry hated how much his estranged relationship with his son was eating away at Draco.
Draco smiled sadly, "I appreciate your concern for me Harry, I do. But maybe Scorpius doesn't want to listen. He said the other day that he was telling his mother and he hoped to be transferred to a different school" he was gutted.
Harry wanted to help Draco, he wanted to see him happy and he wanted Scorpius to open his eyes. "Astoria must have filled his head with such crap" Harry seethed.
Draco gave a dry laugh, "Yes I think she did. It probably doesn't help that nearly everyone agrees with her."
Harry placed his hand on Draco's shoulder, looked into his eyes, "Not everyone, not me" having these heart to heart talks with Draco, these last few weeks, and seeing a different side to him, had only increased Harry's fondness of him. In fact Harry had to stop himself on several occasions from comforting Draco, in a way that was definitely crossing the friendship line.
Draco relaxed under Harry's touch, he had noticed Harry would touch him often, in innocent ways, but the touches would cause wonderful sensations in him. His heart rate had sped up and his stomach was doing flip flops, like butterflies. He would think about an innocent shoulder brush, hours after it happened. The warmth of Harry's hand against his shoulder and the familiar green eyes, were welcomed. He wondered if he was reading into it more because he had a crush on Harry.
Harry squeezed his shoulder and removed his hand. Draco forced his features into indifference, so Harry wouldn't see how disappointed he was.
He had spent many hours thinking about that night he kissed Harry. In fact he replayed the kiss over and over in his head. He could easily recall the taste of Harry's lips, the feel of them and the wonderful kiss itself.
He questioned why he broke the kiss and fled. He concluded that when people encounter a stressful situation they experience "fight or flight", which helps you to decide whether to fight the situation or get away from it. He panicked and went for flight mode, he regretted it very much. But he was still a coward and wasn't sure if he was brave enough to put himself out there again.
Harry had watched Draco a lot since he became potions teacher and he could probably describe what he looked like to a stranger, right down to the length of his eyelashes. He found himself on more than one occasion, wishing he could learn every detail of Draco's face, but not by using his hands.
Take now for instance, Draco was talking, but instead of listening he was staring at Draco's lips and wondering what his chest looked like. It probably didn't help that Draco's top was a low V-neck and he could see the top of his chest and a few blonde hairs.
"Harry. Harry –are you listening?" Draco's voice shook him out of his trance.
"Hmmm what? Sorry, can you repeat that?" Harry said as he shook his head slightly.
Draco smiled softly, "You can be in your own little world sometimes. I was saying, I think James has a crush on a Slytherin no less." Smirking at James' pretend disgust the other day.
Harry laughed, "You mean Zabini? He's fancied her since last year, refuses to admit it. Al torments him constantly about it. He doesn't like James' insulting Slytherin, said he'd rather have a crush on a Slytherin than a Gryffindor"
"Apparently Zabini isn't his type, she's to bossy, but he knows an awful lot about her and would speak frequently about her in the holidays" grinning as he knew James would eventually own up to it and admit he has a crush on her.
Draco grinned too, "I'm sure Blaise would have a heart attack if Zara introduced James as her boyfriend" chuckling to himself.
They spoke some more, Draco asked how Lilly was settling in and Harry told him how she was getting on.
"I think Al looks the most like you" Draco declared, "Probably the eyes and the messy hair" he said quietly but knew full well it was loud enough for Harry to hear.
Harry shoved his knee, "My hair isn't messy – it's um it's …" and Draco laughed and said "Messy"
"No. It's dishevelled but in a sexy manner….um maybe" he didn't sound convinced, he wished he could be confident like Draco. "Anyway Darren and Ginny always liked my hair, can't be too bad" he grumbled, feeling a bit stung by Draco's piss taking.
Draco was only teasing Harry, he hadn't meant to knock his confidence. Then Harry admitted that Ginny and Darren liked it, his stomach churned at the mention of his exes, not really she Weasel – but Darren. Draco was jealous of the man and he hadn't even met him. Why Darren chose to leave Harry was beyond Draco, Draco was addicted to Harry and they were only friends. Friends who shared one brief and fantastic kiss.
"Did you love Darren?" Draco found himself asking and once the words were spoken, he realised how much he really wanted to know.
Draco watched as Harry's body stiffened ever so slightly, but relaxed moments later. "Yes and no. I think a part of me will always hold a special place for him in my heart, because he was the first man I ever had a relationship with and well had gay sex with. But I think it was more the fact that he didn't know me as 'Harry Potter' and I could be whomever I wanted to be, he had no expectations of me. I loved that but not him, I thought I did but now I look back, I know it was infatuation, lust, desire – whatever you want to call it. But you cannot truly love someone if they don't know your secrets and the darkest parts of your soul. If I could find someone that still wants to stick around, once they know all my darkest secrets, then that would be the person I will love with my whole heart and soul"
He ran his hand through his hair and swigged his drink. Anything to distract himself from Draco's intense gaze.
Draco was stunned, Harry never failed to amaze him when it came to how open and honest he could be about his emotions and feelings. Draco had always been very capable of compartmentalizing his life and feelings. Often storing them away and forgetting them, he admired Harry as he could be so open with his feelings.
Draco was also stunned because he had heard some of Harry's deepest darkest secrets and he had stuck around, he knew him as Harry Potter and just Harry. He wasn't driven away by this, in fact getting to know Harry better had increased Draco's feeling towards Harry.
Harry felt uncomfortable as Draco still hadn't said anything, feeling awkward he decided to continue to speak, "Even with Ginny, I loved her but not with all that I am. She was my first relationship and first person I slept with, she's the mother of my children, I will always love her. But not in the romantic sense. I don't think I have ever really truly loved someone with all that I am, I always held back. What about you? I know Astoria wasn't a marriage for love, but you mentioned a male lover, did you love them?"
Draco's eyebrows rose at Harry's question, most of his friends would never ask such a direct and personal question. Harry didn't seem to care though.
"No I never loved Astoria or my lover at the time. I'm a very private and closed off person, I never really gave my partners a chance. I never allowed anyone to get close enough, they knew nothing about the real me and I would distance myself from them if I felt like I was getting too attached. I think I am a paranoid person, I worry if I did fall for someone and then opened up, let my barriers down and told them all about me, they would run a mile and then I would be hurt. I don't want to risk getting hurt" he smiled sadly.
Harry turned his head and looked right at Draco, "That's awfully sad, aren't you lonely?" Harry thought he sounded lonely, "What's that saying? It's better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all? Or something like that"
Draco knew all that already, didn't make opening up to someone any easier, he subconsciously moved closer to Harry, "To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose your true self, and to love is to risk not to be loved in return. I never found anyone worth the risk" he coolly replied.
Harry could understand that he guessed. Draco looked sad, "Mother always said; Be careful to whom you give your heart because when you give your heart to someone, you're not only giving that person the right to love you back but also the power to hurt you. Those words always stuck with me."
Harry smiled, "Yes that is very true. But life without love, is no life at all. I know I'm going to be forty next year, but I hope my time hasn't gone, I hope I can still find love." Harry was a romantic so he would never give up on love.
Draco smirked, "How very Hufflepuff of you. Also very Gryffindor, being brave and taking the risk for love." He teased.
"Don't be so cold hearted, ice prince of Slytherin, or whatever it was that you were nicknamed" he playfully teased back.
They joked and talked until the early hours of the morning and Draco didn't return to his quarters until gone 2am. Lying awake he ran all that had been talked about through his head, Harry had said he could love someone if they wanted to stay with him after they heard the good, the bad and the ugly things about him. Draco allowed himself a moment of pure fancy and wondered, if he could be that person. Harry had spoken to him about so many bad and difficult things and he hadn't ran away.
He fell asleep, thinking of crazy ideas and wishful thinking, about being Harry's true soul mate.
A/N: Poem not my own, Source: Poem about Divorce called: Through the Eyes of a Child, by © Brianna K. Slone. (tweaked slightly to suit Scorpius age etc)
