Chapter 4
Alexander was in a foul mood, not that there'd been any other moods in his repertoire as of late; foul, fouler, and foulest just about covered them all. He missed Hephaistion, missed his presence, his closeness, his soft voice and smile, and he knew it was his own fault. He'd been the one who'd rebuffed Hephaistion, and if Ptolemy's ranting had any merit, he had also been the one who inadvertently caused his lover pain and worrying confusion. Not to mention the fact that he'd failed to make any attempt to amend the situation, hiding instead behind brief messages sent through Ptolemy or his guards, messages that were of no personal value whatsoever.
He had, of course, seen his lover around the camp, but only in the briefest of moments and the farthest of distances. Hephaistion rarely even took his meals in the dining tent anymore, and Alexander had watched numerous times as either Ptolemy or one of Hephaistion's loyal men delivered food to his tent. He'd considered being the one to bring the sustenance to Hephaistion, but alas, hadn't had the courage to even do that.
Sliding his fingers through his hair, Alexander pulled on the ends of his unruly curls and dropped his head to his desk. He had so many things to do, to plan, to occupy his brain, but his mind was completely centered on Hephaistion. Even the scrolls and papers on his desk reminded him of how horribly he'd reacted to his fears, giving Hephaistion such a menial and mindless task when he knew he'd be furious with the idea. The single-mindedness of his thoughts made him seriously question his sanity, as well. Had he sunk into the same path of obsession that took hold of his mother during times of stress?
The rest of the army had been sent off on some training maneuvers, preparing them for the next stage of the fight that would surely happen soon enough, as well as allowing them to burn off some pent up energy left over from the battle and grieving process. Alexander had remained behind with a few select soldiers, but he'd sent Ptolemy along, despite knowing his oldest friend was the only one that Hephaistion had been allowing to visit him, had become Hephaistion's only support. Maybe having fewer witnesses would stir Alexander to face Hephaistion. Maybe he'd finally find the strength and courage to face the man who held his lonely, aching heart in his own.
Maybe ...
x x x x x
There was nothing Hephaistion enjoyed less than being cooped up in his tent, his mind and body restless and bored. And even though he hadn't been strictly confined to his quarters, the whisperings and stares that plagued the camp when he was out and about were not something he had the patience for. His head and face still ached even though the physician said he was healing well, and his mood was lower than he could ever recall it being in the past.
Ptolemy had been trying hard to help, dropping in on Hephaistion at least once a day to boost his spirits, and as much as he appreciated the kind gesture, Hephaistion wasn't in the mood for it. He wanted everyone to leave him alone, to just go about their own business and forget about him. Unfortunately, the rumors and accusations were even more rampant than usual ... the king's whore acting as Alexander's personal secretary ... duties stripped from him because his beauty had been destroyed ... the king preferred to hide him away than have to look upon him every day.
He'd never allowed the words of others to hurt him before, since he'd always known they were untrue and merely spoken out of spite and jealousy. But this time was different, this time he feared that all he'd thought about his relationship with Alexander had been wrong, he feared he'd become exactly as the others had always taunted him as being; completely expendable when his beauty ran out.
Scanning the pile of correspondence on the makeshift desk that he and Ptolemy had constructed, Hephaistion ran his hand through his long locks and dropped his head to his chest. He needed to stop feeling sorry for himself and just do what he'd been ordered to do. He wasn't a man prone to voicing his objections or one to unduly ruffle anyone's feathers, but he strongly believed that Alexander was making a mistake, a grave error, in trying to hide him away. He'd wracked his brain day and night, trying to understand what Alexander's behavior truly meant, and despite having the utmost trust in Ptolemy, Hephaistion still did not believe Alexander was not avoiding him because of the injury to his face. The expression on Alexander's face when he looked at him for the first time after the battle, still sat heavy in his heart, and as far as Hephaistion was concerned, that spoke for itself.
Alexander had looked at him with unmistakable disgust, a look that Hephaistion had only seen on Alexander's face when something truly repulsive crossed his sight. Hephaistion had seen no fear or worry in that look, only pure and unadulterated displeasure, and he wasn't sure if he could ever strike that image from his mind.
He'd found himself involuntarily touching the wounds beneath his bandage every time Alexander came into his mind, and that was a great deal of the time. Ptolemy had threatened to tie his hands behind his back if he didn't stop picking at the fraying cloth, had told him to go talk to Alexander, to unearth and dispel all the pain and upset that was still rocking his sleep and making him so restless.
But now even Ptolemy wasn't there for Hephaistion to lean on, not that they spent much of their time talking about the situation since Hephaistion preferred to stay away from the topic, choosing to contain his sadness and fear within himself. Nonetheless, Ptolemy centered Hephaistion in a way that he really needed. He made Hephaistion stop wallowing in pity and gave him something else to think about during the times his friend visited. He missed him very much.
With an enormous sigh that expelled all the breath in his body, Hephaistion lifted his head again. He was determined to stop thinking about Alexander and how lonely he felt without him, and simply concentrate on the job he'd been given. No matter how tedious or meaningless he considered the task, it was his duty to see that it was done, and if he concentrated hard enough, he was sure Alexander would be swept completely from his mind ... maybe ...
x x x x x
"How many more nights do you intend on sitting in the dark, my King?"
Alexander nearly jumped out of his skin when Hephaistion's voice broke the silence of the night, the steely darkness seeming not quite as black as only moments before. He sucked in his breath, one shining moment of irrational clarity making him think perhaps if he didn't speak, Hephaistion wouldn't know he was there at all.
"If you consider me so hideous that you can only grace me with your presence when you cannot see me, why do you venture out to see me at all, Alexander?"
"What by the gods are you talking about, Hephaistion? And how did you even know I was here?" Alexander remained huddled against the wall of the tent, the one leg he had tucked beneath him earlier, becoming increasingly uncomfortable. Despite the discomfort, he refused to move, unsure whether Hephaistion was upset with him for sneaking into his tent without his knowledge or just for being there at all.
"I've known for many nights. You're not nearly as artful as you believe yourself to be."
Alexander scratched his head, the leg beneath him tingling and aching as he struggled to remain still. "Then why did you not say something before tonight?"
Hephaistion sighed loudly, rising up on one elbow and peering into the darkness. "I assumed you would come to your senses and admit what you'd been doing. Obviously, I neglected to take your stubborn and childish nature into account."
"Stubborn and childish?" Alexander could remain sitting no longer, pitching forward into Hephaistion's cot as he struggled to his feet. He felt a hand close over his as he gripped the blankets, the warmth of the fingers sending a jolt of sweet familiarity up and down his spine. His mind told him to pull away, to retreat and return to his tent where the fear of explanation could settle back into the air-tight box where he preferred to keep it. He wasn't ready to have a conversation defining his actions yet, and he certainly wasn't ready to confess his fears to Hephaistion.
His efforts to pull away proved futile when Hephaistion's hand wrapped around his wrist and pulled him closer to the bed. His lover's voice was like a beacon in the dark, the soft gentleness warming his entire body, as well as his heart and soul.
"Please tell me, Alexander," Hephaistion said softly, fingers stroking lightly over Alexander's quivering wrist. "Have I truly become nothing more than a beautiful memory in your heart?"
Alexander's breath hitched in his throat, Hephaistion's words sending shivers of a different sort throughout his body, chilling the blood in his veins. "What? How can you ... why would you ... I don't understand, Phai ..."
"No, Alexander. It is I who does not understand. I do not understand why you have stripped me of all the duties that I strongly believed I had earned, why you have repeatedly scurried around in the dark without a word to me, and why you have shunned and ignored me since I was injured. Ptolemy told me you were struggling with feelings of guilt and fear, but those things are not what I see when I consider your actions. All I see is a man who I've shared my entire life with, who I love with all the breath in my body, who I would protect with my very life ... all I see is that man taking away everything that I cherish and hold precious ... including, and most importantly, himself."
Alexander reached out into the darkness, following the sound of Hephaistion's raspy breaths until he was close enough to enclose him in his arms. "Oh, my dear, Hephaistion ... my beloved Phai. I've not intended to take any of that away from you, and most especially, I have not ejected you from my heart. You are still the only one who resides there, and I assure you that is where you shall always remain."
Hephaistion slid his arms around Alexander's waist, his fingers moving against his beloved's ribs and clutching at his back. "You've not been eating properly," he said, nuzzling his head into the crook of Alexander's neck. "I can feel that you've lost weight since we were last together."
"I'm sorry, Phai." Alexander loosened his grip on Hephaistion, sliding his hands over the soft skin and up into his hair. His lips moved to find the warmth of Hephaistion's mouth, his beloved's hot breath stirring something deep inside him as he pressed against the moist heat. He twined his fingers in the long locks, the smell and feel of Hephaisition clearing all his senses and settling a comforting peace over his body.
Hephaistion's lips moved against Alexander's, their breaths mingling and mixing as it had always been, as it always should be. He pulled away gently, pressing a soft kiss to the side of Alexander's mouth. "Sorry for not eating?"
"No." Alexander struggled to keep his breath steady and even as his hands moved over Hephaistion's skull, feeling the edges of the bandage that still wrapped around his head. "Has the doctor not allowed you to remove this yet?" he asked, voice peppered with worry and confusion. "Are your wounds not healing as they should, Phai?"
"They're healing fine, Alexander," Hephaistion assured, pulling back and stroking Alexander's face. He could feel the worry etched in Alexander's face, his forehead wrinkled, his mouth and jaw tight with concern. "I've seen no sense in removing the bandages when my face has clearly become something that no one wishes to look upon."
Alexander's sudden movement startled Hephaisition, his beloved quickly moving away, taking with him all the warmth and comfort Hephaistion had been seeking for so long. "Alexander ..." His words were cut off by the brightness of a torch being lit directly beside his bed. "What are you ..."
"May I remove the bandage, Phai?" Alexander was back at Hephaistion's side immediately, the torch settled in a stand beside the cot. "Would you allow me to look upon you?"
Hephaistion turned his head away from the light, away from Alexander's curious face, away from the eyes he'd been yearning to have look upon him. "No. I don't think ... I ... I believe it would be best if you left, Alexander. I don't think now is the time."
"I don't find you hideous, Phai. That could not be further from the truth."
"Then what has this been all about, Alexander? Why have you removed me from your life?"
"I've done no such thing." Alexander's voice was raw and filled with suffering, one hand moving up to nervously thread through his hair. "But what I have done is given in to the very emotions that have caused me distress for so long, emotions I've been too embarrassed to share with you, feelings that have haunted me day and night for months."
"What feelings, Alexander?" Hephaistion asked, shuddering slightly with the intensity of his lover's stare. He felt overly self-conscious and uncomfortable, both sensations he was unaccustomed to feeling when he was with Alexander. "What feelings could possibly make you so uneasy that you chose to seal them up inside you, rather than sharing than with me when we've shared everything our whole lives?"
"You could have been killed, Phai." Alexander's eyes moved from the worry of Hephaistion's face, dipping low, following his fingertips as they gently moved over Hephaistion's firm chest. "I could have sent you to your very death."
"What are you ... I wasn't killed, Alexander. I'm alive and confused ... sent me to my death? Is that why you removed me from my duties?"
Alexander's eyes closed, his body suddenly trembling with trepidation. All his disturbing dreams and fears moving forefront in his mind, again. He gave his head a shake, hoping to relieve the pressure in his brain. He shouldn't have come, shouldn't have allowed himself to be caught. He thought his mind had settled around his decision, but being there with Hephaistion, had just brought everything back; all the images and horrors ...
"Alexander?" When Hephaistion's voice finally broke through his thoughts, his beloved's fingers tracking the contours of his face, he flinched back.
"I'm sorry, Phai."
"I love you, Alexander, and I do not believe you sent me to my death, nor do I believe you had any hand in my injury. I'm alive and here, and I love you."
"But a blow to the face ... it could have been so much worse ... you could have ..."
Hephaistion's mouth crushed Alexander's, teeth nipping at the soft lips, tongue poking out to lick along the crease. Hands wrapped around the king's head, pulling him closer, the mouth slanting and pressing desperately, leaving no room for Alexander's worries and fears. Bodies shifted and turned towards one another, hands and mouths exploring, feeling, tasting, as hearts beat rapidly as one.
Alexander pulled back slightly, lungs fighting to suck in depleted air as he tipped his forehead to Hephaistion's. "I've missed you," he whispered through parched and quivering lips. "I've missed you more than I believed possible."
"And I, you," Hephaistion whispered back, heart soaring beyond any place it had gone before.
"Make love to me, Hephaistion. I need to know you're still mine. I need to feel the strength of your body as we move as one. I need you ..."
Hephaistion pressed a gentle kiss to Alexander's nose, hands moving up to fist in his hair. "I'll always be yours, my King. Always and forever, just as we've always said."
Alexander tilted his head, lips pressing roughly to Hephaistion's, tongue forcing inside as the lust in loins ran rampant. He tugged gently on Hephaistion's hair, one hand slipping up to the cloth around his beloved's head, fingers playing along the frayed edges. The strength of his passion was strong, almost overpowering, but he had to see, had to know what lay beneath the bandage.
"Please let me see you." Hephaistion pulled back with a groan, but Alexander's hands kept him close, kept him from fleeing the situation that suddenly struck fear in his heart.
"If you aren't concerned with how I look, then why must you see me now? Will it not just make you wary of me, again?"
Alexander shifted on the bed, pulling at his chiton, trying to give his lower half a little more room. "Not wary. I was never wary, Phai. I just ..."
"Felt guilty," Hephaistion said, finishing Alexander's sentence, voice strong and demanding. "You felt guilty for allowing me to do the job for which I have been trained all my life. You felt guilty for being the king who took his men into battle and let them be injured."
"No ..."
"Yes, Alexander! And please allow me to tell you what your guilt is to me. May I explain to you, my love, that your guilt leaves scars on the both of us, scars that are far worse than any my body could be subjected to. Unfounded guilt will destroy you, Alexander ... will destroy us both."
Alexander dipped his head, the emotions he'd been shoving aside for days finally overwhelming his senses and causing him to shake with despair. "I've had dreams, Phai. Terrible, awful dreams. Dreams of you being slaughtered in front of my eyes. Dreams of me standing by as you're brutally tortured and then killed. I've been so afraid that those dreams would come true, so afraid you'd be taken from me ..."
Hephaistion gathered his beloved into his arms, holding him so tight it was difficult for either one of them to breath. "I'm here, Alexander, and I have no intention of leaving you ... ever. My body, heart and soul are yours, but you mustn't shut me out anymore, and you must let me be the man that I am destined to be."
Alexander nuzzled his nose into the nape of Hephaistion's neck, nodding his head and saying a silent prayer of thanks. Hephaistion was right. All that mattered was that they were together, that they were in each other's arms, and their hearts and souls were entwined. "I'm sorry," he whispered, breathing in the scent of forgiveness, warmth and love.
After several minutes of desperate holding and gentle stroking, Hephaistion pulled away, untangling his body from Alexander's. He dipped his head for a moment then looked up into Alexander's confused eyes. His smile was sweet, but with just a hint of sadness curling the edges as he moved his hands to the bandage on his head.
Alexander bit his lip to keep from interrupting the silence that he sensed his beloved needed. He didn't want to force Hephaistion to remove the dressing, didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, but at the same time he longed to see the whole of his face. He could tell Hephaistion was trying hard to hide a mask of agony, trying hard, but not quite managing the task in the eyes of someone that knew him so well.
As he unwound the bandage, his arm lengthening as the cloth multiplied in his hand, Hephaistion concentrated on shadowing his fluttering nerves beneath a facade of indifference. What would Alexander think of the wounds that had only partially healed beneath the dressing? Hephaistion could not help fearing that the truth would finally come to pass when the ravages of his face were revealed.
When the unraveling had ended, Hephaistion involuntarily dipped his head, only to have a warm hand slide under his chin and bring him back up to meet Alexander's eyes. His beloved smiled gently, moving closer, his other warm hand moving to stroke Hephaistion's right cheekbone.
"Alex ..." Hephaistion's words were cut short by the pressing of a gentle kiss to the wound above his eyebrow. His heart flip-flopped in his chest, his breath hitching in his throat and becoming labored with nervousness. "You don't have to ..."
"You're beautiful, Hephaistion. There is no one in this land, or any other, that can ever take your place in my heart or make my heart race as you do." Alexander's lips remained on Hephaistion's skin, moving slowly down the left side of his face from eyebrow to cheek, finally settling a kiss on the puckered gash beneath his eye. "I will never take you for granted nor question your abilities. Please forgive my insensitivity, and never allow me to push you away, again."
Alexander kissed each of Hephaistion's injuries twice, slowly, methodically, taking care to be sure his beloved understood that the changes to his appearance made no difference in the love they shared. As a single tear escaped Hephaistion's left eye, Alexander tasted the saltiness on his tongue while Hephaistion stifled a whimper. "Kiss me, Phai. Show me you forgive me and need me."
Hephaistion dragged Alexander beneath him, kissing him deeply and letting go of all his fear and nervousness of the past week. The man under him grasped his shoulders, winding one leg around Hephaistion's thigh as their mouths and bodies quivered together.
Alexander still loved him, still wanted and needed him, was still his, and Hephaistion intended on keeping it that way.
