Pain and Suffering

By: Absolute Edge


AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry this took so long to get uploaded, I've been having issues with the FF website; click on 'Doc Manager' and it would take 5 minutes just to tell me it timed out and to refresh. So here you go! Chapter 4; let's see just how twisted I can make this plot =)


Chapter IV

"Well, that went better than I expected." Garrus said once they were outside Shepard's room.

"How so?" Tali asked slowly, she wasn't really paying attention.

"If he lost the last few years of his memory he could've come back as an alien hating pro-Human racist trying to kill us; me in particular." Garrus said following Tali to a bench and sitting down next to her.

"What?" Tali just now started paying attention and only caught the last few words, Garrus continued thinking she just didn't understand.

"Did you know Shepard used to be an Alpha Human?"

Tali whipped her head around and stared at the Turian. The Alpha Humans were an old terrorist organization that was fueled by the singular belief that Humans were in all forms superior to aliens. Their tactics, though extremely efficient, were more brutal than ever seen before and many people, Human and alien alike, called for action in removing the group from existence. Even mentioning the name was punishable by fine and possible imprisonment on certain Human and Turain controlled worlds where they were most active.

"Our Commander Shepard? One of the most decorated men in the N7 Alliance and first Human Specter in history used to be an alien hating psycho killer?" Tali asked in utter disbelief.

"We were just talking at a club, this was a few days after we picked you up initially, and he confided in me that particularly emotion grabbing detail. Of course, I thought he was joking but when he looked at me I could see the old hatred in those eyes. I know I'm better at reading people than that but he had buried it so deep that he always seemed sincere. He told me that when a person's been fed a certain amount of propaganda for ten years it becomes part of them. Imbed into their instincts and feelings. Every time he looked at me he'd wanted to rip my head off. Sure he had hated all non-Human life but with the whole Relay 314 incident the Alpha Human's held a particular grudge against Turians. Then he hits me with a curveball and tells me straight up that he likes you and needs advice." Garrus said but he stopped when Tali held up a hand.

"Wait, wait, wait; hold on. I guess I can see Shepard being an Alpha, Humans are known for holding grudges better than most and the Reapers are a prime example in Shepard's case, but he went to you for relationship advice? Are you, what is the expression… pulling my arm?" Tali asked.

"It's 'pulling my leg' Tali, and yes he did. I must admit I was shocked and a little angry at first. He tells me he used to butcher my people in cold blood and then asks how he should go about letting you know how he feels." Garrus sighed and leaned back against the wall. "In the end, I helped him out because if he had fallen for a non-Human then he had to be changing on more than just one level. Heh, sounds like a bad romance novel: The Alpha and the Quarian. an alien hating mass-murder falls in love with an alien."

Tali and Garrus laughed at the bad joke; at least he was cheering her up a little. She sighed and leaned back with him. "Garrus, I'm a mechanic. I can fix just about anything spacecraft related. John's mind isn't an engine with a burnt out fuel control card that I can fix in minutes. John's mind is… it's more complicated than I can even imagine. I can't fix him like one of my machines. I can't-" Tali stopped talking and held her head in her hands letting out a deep breath.

Garrus looked at her and patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry about Shepard's mind. That nurse seemed very competent."

"I hope she can help. I don't know what I'd do without him." Tali said as Shepard's voice echoed softly in her head. The promise he made days ago.

He just couldn't forget.

He had to remember.


"Mr. Shepard, do you mind answering some questions?" Haenna asked sitting in the chair next to him.

"Sure, I guess." Shepard said with a sigh.

"Alright, what is your name?"

"Seriously?" Shepard asked looking at Haenna with a raised eyebrow.

"They're all pre-made questions but I'd like for you to answer them all in some way, sorry." Haenna gave an apologetic smile and shrugged.

"John K. Shepard."

"Oh, um, what does the 'K' stand for?" Haenna asked as she scribbled something down.

"Kain."

"Alright, excellent. Now, when were you born?" Haenna looked at Shepard expectantly.

"April 11, 2154."

"Good, where were you born?"

"I was born in a small town called Barksdale here on Earth." Shepard replied as he went through the motions.

"What are your parents' names?" Haenna asked as she continued to scribble down notes. She flipped through some pages to check accuracy against his medical records.

"Eric and Lindsey Shepard."

"Are they currently alive?"

"No, they died in a shuttle crash when I was nine." Shepard sighed.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"No." Shepard said and was surprised when Haenna did not continue. "Is that all?"

"Ah, no; it's just… you have a sister." Haenna flipped through some papers and turned the clipboard so Shepard could see it. She pointed to a specific part-

-Primary: JOHN KAIN SHEPARD

-Parents: ERIC / LINDSEY SHEPARD (deceased)

-Siblings: MICHELE SHEPARD (deceased)

Shepard breathed out sharply. This can't be right, that can't be right, this has to be wrong. His mouth opened to speak but no words came out. Haenna noticed and leaned forwards squinting her eyes slightly in a questioning gaze.

"Mr. Shepard, are you alright?"

"I-" Shepard forced out the word, "I don't have a sister. I never had a sister."

"Mr. Shepard it says right here-"

"I DO NOT HAVE A SISTER!" Shepard yelled and startled Haenna who jumped in surprise at his angry tone.

"Okay, I'll be right back." Haenna said with a nervous smile as she went to leave.

Nurse Haenna closed the door behind her and leaned up against it was a sigh of relief and noticed out of the corner of her eye that Shepard's friends were staring at her. The Quarian- what was her name again? Tali'Zorah vas… Normandy, that's it- stood up and seemed concerned. Haenna walked over to them and nervously tapped her pen against the clipboard.

"Miss Normandy, Mr. Vakarian," Haenna said nodding to them, "I think I know what's wrong, come." Haenna motioned for them to follow her. "We need to see Doctor Zephun over at Mental Health."

"What is your theory?" Tali asked expectantly, this was the first shred of good news she's heard since finding out Shepard was alive. They followed Haenna around a corner and to an elevator. "Keelah, elevators…"

"I'm sorry?" Haenna asked looking over her shoulder as she called the lift down.

"Nothing, nothing…" Tali said quickly.

"Anyways, I believe Mr. Shepard has in fact retained all of his memories, however, they've been buried under a particularly traumatic childhood event rendering them virtually inaccessible to his conscious mind." Haenna said as the doors opened. "I theorized that if we can get him to confront this event and accept his responsibility or lack thereof, then his mind will exit this lockdown state."

They waited for the elevator to take them to the third floor, slowly, patiently. Haenna glanced at Tali, her hands were shaking slightly and she balled them into fists and hid them behind her back once she noticed the Asari looking at her.

"Long story short, I hate elevators." Tali said firmly leaving no room for additional questions.

Haenna simply looked away and thought about what kind of mental trauma the Quarian had. Her paranoia could potentially lead to claustrophobia and delusions if left untreated; Haenna made a mental note about it but said nothing. She glanced at the Turian and her eyes were drawn to the large scar on the side of his face. It wasn't Haenna's intent to stare, but she adored scars to no end. The Turian noticed Haenna staring and smiled but said nothing; Haenna blushed smiling back but looked away quickly.

The elevator chimed and the doors slid open letting them disembark. Haenna took note of how quickly Tali escaped the confines of the elevator but, again, said nothing. Haenna led them down a hallway and to a simple door. She depressed a button on the wall and spoke.

"Nurse Haenna plus two for Doctor Zephun." Haenna took her finger off the button and waited. A buzzing sound blared suddenly and Haenna pushed the door open, the lock temporarily disengaged as the buzzer sounded.

They entered an office filled with flora of all kinds and a Salarian popped up from behind a large plant and came rushing around with a smile.

"Nurse Haenna, always a pleasure!" Zephun exclaimed slipping around plants and shaking Haenna's hand. "Ah, you bring me patients!"

Zephun took both Tali and Garrus's hand and shook them together. "Tell me, for how long have you two been having marital issues?"

"Marital- what? No, not us!" Tali said taking a step back and holding her hands up.

"No Doctor, that would be Tali and her fiancé Commander Shepard." Garrus said folding his arms.

"We do not have marital issues! John has amnesia." Tali rebuked jabbing a finger at Garrus who simply shrugged.

"Ah, the great Commander Shepard has amnesia? I may be able to help." Zephun said waving his arms at some chairs half-buried by leaves and vines. They all sat down and watched Zephun look through some paper that Haenna handed to him.

"He denies having a sister entirely? Interesting." Zephun whispered as he flipped through Shepard's medical file next.

"John has a sister?" Tali asked in surprise.

"He's never mentioned her before." Garrus commented.

"Had a sister, past tense." Zephun clarified and closed the thick file.

"I didn't- why wouldn't he tell me?" Tali asked in confusion.

"I believe that the event that triggered the memory block was so terrible, so unbelievable that Shepard's small, child mind couldn't comprehend what had happened and so his mind, being ever protective, decided to bury all evidence of it having ever existed in the first place." Zephun said interlocking his fingers.

"How can we help him?" Garrus asked.

"We need him to confront his past. It's going to difficult and extremely painful for him. He may even become violent." Zephun advised with caution.

"Let's do it then." Tali said standing up. "He will remember or I'll make him remember."


"Where are you?" Shepard asked the seemingly empty room. She was here, he knew it, could feel her presence. "We need to talk."

"We do, huh?" Michele asked peeking over the edge of Shepard's bed at his feet.

A weight pressed down on Shepard's shoulders and his head slowly began to throb painfully. He groaned as he watched her climb up onto his bed and sit by his knees. She smiled and tossed something at him; Shepard reached out and caught it in his right hand. The cast made it a little awkward but the object seemed to travel straight to his hand. He looked at it, a little red ball. It didn't look real though, fuzzy and warped in his hand the red coloring had a black taint to it and the ball looked wet almost as if it had been partially melted.

"What's wrong with the ball?" Shepard asked turning it over in his hand. "It looks like… It's dying."

"That's because it is, sort of… not really, but it's the idea behind it that counts." Michele said holding her hands out expectantly. Shepard felt his hand moving of its own accord and wound up tossing the ball back to the girl. "Think of it as your mind right now; confused and lost. It has lost its shine and become a wreck, it doesn't understand what's going on… but that's why you made me."

"Uh-huh, right, anyways, we need to talk." Shepard said in annoyance. These riddles were adding to the throbbing pain in his head and he wanted them to stop.

"We can't stop; it has to be this way." Michele said offhandedly.

"Read my thoughts one more time and, real or imaginary, I'll put a bullet in your head." Shepard said angrily. Michele sighed and looked at his sheets.

"You're so mean to me, always so mean…"

"You don't exist so don't pretend to have feelings!"

"I used to! You killed me!" Michele pointed an accusing finger at Shepard with tears in her eyes. He looked away and forced himself to calm down as he felt her tears impacting the sheets over his legs.

"I'm sorry, Michele. I don't remember any of it… and I'm not sure I want to." Shepard said softly, the ache in his head dropped a few notches.

"I know you don't want to, but you have to. You made a promise." Michele said hopping down to the floor, her eyes were still watery but the tears had stopped falling.

"When will you be back?" Shepard asked.

"Silly John, I'm part of you remember?" Michele said skipping around to the chair besides his bed and crawled onto it. "Bye, bye big brother. Talk to you later."

"Bye." Shepard said softly with a wave but Michele was already gone.