Hi everyone!
Sorry for the long wait. Gosh, I feel like Foaly because I went to my reviews to feel better. For everyone's information, I DO NOT HAVE A BETA READER. And also, these are all FIRST DRAFTS (I was too lazy to go back and edit). And this is my first try at fanfiction. So guys, cut me some slack? Please?
skoshiahiru
After lunch followed math class, which everyone fell asleep in, and then gym. If you had ever looked up Artemis's list of 'dislikes', then you would have seen 'exercise' ranked quite high. It fact, it is right below, 'evil deranged genius pixies'. Yes, Artemis Fowl does not enjoy exercise of any kind, including gym classes.
The gym teacher spoke. "Alright, line up, kids." Everyone did as told. "I'm your teacher, Spick Dairl."
Artemis sighed. This was going to be a long hour.
5 minutes into the session Spick noticed something about Artemis. He simply wasn't getting it. All the kid did was stand in the exact same spot, acting like he was sleeping on his feet. The strange this was, Artemis did not get hit. At all. Every single projectile launched at him miraculously bended in some strange way that should not have been possible. What was this kid? Some super-human? Well, he looked like some alien next to all the other kids. No, take that back, he looked like some alien by himself.
He really needed Butler on this case.
Butler, watching through roof windows knew that he could not allow for his principal to get hurt. Getting hurt consisted of being maimed, injured, or killed. At the moment this particular exercised fell into the category of 'maiming'. Picking up a pile of pebbles, he deflected every single object that came within 3 feet of Artemis. Artemis glanced upwards and smiled a bit. Artemis had to say, this sort of exercising was quite fun.
Butler was about to deflect another object thrown in the direction of his employer when he remembered something. Something Angeline had said.
I want Artemis to live a normal life, okay, Butler? So don't do anything that would make him stand out.
Butler decided that perhaps he was in the wrong, protecting Artemis in this way. He decided that his employer would not be exactly hurt, however maybe just a few scratches and bruises. After all, Artemis really was too wimpy.
Artemis felt self-confident that Butler would block every single item thrown. After all, Butler would not allow himself to let his employer be harmed.
And then it happened.
A green projectile flew his way and hit him straight in the face. The ironic part of this event was that the ball (for it was a ball, and a plastic kiddy ball at that) had the picture of an evil looking fairy. This particular fairy reminded Artemis of a certain 'evil deranged genius pixie'.
Artemis fell to the floor, and fainted. Everyone else ignored him, as if this happened every day.
On top of the roof, Butler flinched.
When Artemis regained his conscience, he found himself lying in his bed. The last moments he could recall were those terrible 4 seconds when the evil looking pixie ball was hurled at his face. Suddenly, he remembered something strange about the event.
"BUTLER!"
Butler rushed to his employer's side. This would not be pretty.
Artemis sat up all of a sudden and screamed, "What do you remember happening at 14 hours 37 minutes and 53 seconds this afternoon?"
Butler spoke without fear. "I was watching your gym class from the roof. You got hit ball a ball." Then softer, "And fainted."
Artemis colored a bit. "Can one blame me?"
Butler decided that being hit with a plastic ball was quite harmless however he replied, "Ah, for you, master Artemis, no one can."
Artemis detected the hesitancy. "You are hesitant,"
Butler replied sheepishly, "Well," he stated, "You're kind of…different."
Artemis twitched, but did not retort. He left the room. After he left, Butler smirked.
Coeus and Persephone busted the door down and yelled, "DUUUUUUDE! ARE YOU, LIKE, HOME, DUDES?" Artemis, who had taken refuge on the couch, flinched. Why was it always him?
Coeus noticed the flinching Artemis and walked over to him. He placed his head right next to Artemis's ear and screamed, "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE! ARE YOU, LIKE, DEAD?"
Artemis thought to himself, Ignore the imbecile and it will leave.
Coeus frowned, thinking to himself, Aw, man. Arty's, like, dead! That's, like, not cool, dude! He paused, and then grinned, remembering something. He took an object out of his pocket and held up two devices attached to it. One he placed in Artemis's right ear and the other on his left.
Artemis, at this point, had guessed that Coeus had left to see to the funeral plans. He waited patiently and relaxed a bit. Things were finally going his way. Suddenly Artemis's ears felt the sensation of some weirdo screaming accompanied by a two-year-old's choice of guitar chords. Followed was a pattern of a monkey banging on the drums. Worst, this was all on the full blast of Coeus's IPod.
Something one should know about Coeus's IPod was that he had bought a certain upgrade so that the volume could become 20 times as loud as a normal IPod on full blast.
Poor, poor Artemis.
Artemis jolted upwards and Coeus rejoiced, "Hey! I guess metallica really does wake the dead, dude! I'm, like, awesome, man!" Coeus ran off to tell Persephone.
For the first time in his life, Artemis Fowl met his match.
The following days followed in the same pattern. Artemis fainted less, however he still came to know the gym floor very well. He also met a new friend: the bottom of the pool. How did he meet it? Well, Spick Dairl had just made up his mind to try the 'sink or swim' method.
"Alright, kiddies!" Spick smiled. Evilly. "We have the privilege—" Artemis felt something very wrong in that statement, "—to use the school's pool this season. So, putting it to full use, we are going to do a bit of 'sink or swim'!"
Artemis's backbone started shivering right then.
Spick advanced towards the nearest student, who unfortunately was Artemis. "This is how it works." He literally picked up Artemis by the collar of his shirt and hurled him into the middle of the deep end. "Sink or swim!" he called out.
Artemis had read every book about the formula for correct swimming, every article on the most reliable style of swimming and a couple other various essays. The only problem was that these formulas applied to normal humans, not wimpy pale kids who sit at a computer 8 hours a day. As a result our hero's physical state was not fit to apply any of the research. Therefore, Artemis chose Spick's first option.
When he was three-quarters drowned Spick finally decided that the wimpy kid might need some help. He dove into the pool (using the ever-so-perfect diving formation) and grabbed the flailing Artemis by the ear and pulled him out of the pool. He whispered into Artemis's wet ear, "Wimpy, you are going to learn to swim really fast."
Outside Butler whistled. This gym teacher really knew his stuff.
Artemis endured these days with admiral patience. He tolerated the fanatic teachers, the torturing gym lessons, and even Coeus and Persephone. The strange place classifying as 'school' Artemis found more bearable every day. Sanders help greatly and explained all the strange events and objects. This was not too bad, this school place.
Actually a few certain people had been talking about Artemis. Not that oh-what-a-nice-kid-I-want-to-be-friends-with-him sort of talk but as in hey-let's-use-that-wimp-for-a-punching-bag sort of talk. These certain individuals approached Artemis. The burly one of the right yelled, "Hey, you!"
Artemis turned o face three figures. "You wish to have conversation with me?"
The middle punk grunted. "I don't like you."
Artemis smiled. "What a coincidence, I don't like you either."
The middle punk frowned. "Uh…um…I…I'm gonna beat you up!"
Artemis twitched. "Of course. Now, if you excuse me, I will proceed to my classroom."
Three veins popped. "You—you…uh…"
Artemis grinned. "Imbecile?"
The right kid grinned back. "Yeah! Inbasiele!"
Artemis frowned. "May I pass now?"
The reply came as a clenched fist. Artemis gulped. Just as the punch was about to connect with Artemis's jaw and Butler was about to dash in, a familiar blond-haired boy jumped in front of Artemis with his fists raised. "Hey, Artemis!" Sanders smiled.
Artemis blinked. "Sanders,"
Sanders grinned and dropped to his knees, dodging the punch that had come his way. His leg shot upwards, hitting the left punk (who had been fighting) and knocking him out. "That," Sanders announced, "was for being mean to my friend."
The other punks picked up the fallen and ran. Artemis blinked again. No one had ever stood up for him like that. It was probably because he had never had friends before. Perhaps Sanders was useful after all.
Just then Sanders punched Artemis in the face. "And that was for being stupid."
Artemis's faculties slowed. Someone had just called him-dare he think it?—stupid. Artemis ran a dictionary analysis on the word 'stupid'. Stupid; [stoo-pid, styoo‐]–adjective:1. lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull. 2. characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless: a stupid question. 3. tediously dull, esp. due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless: a stupid party. 4. annoying or irritating; troublesome: Turn off that stupid radio. 5. In a state of stupor; stupefied: stupid from fatigue. –noun; 7. Informal: a stupid person.
A bead of sweat dropped down Artemis's forehead. He just hoped that he did not qualify as any of the above. Sanders tilted his head at him. "Are you okay? Should I take you to the infirmary?"
Artemis, walking like a zombie, strode off down the hallway, muttering, "Lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind? Dull? Stupid?"
Sanders blinked. He thought, Did I hit him harder than I meant to?
Artemis later thought about the former scene after riding back to Coeus and Persephone's home. By then he had convinced himself that he was not stupid; he had just perhaps misjudged the situation. Then a thought occurred to him. How had Sanders been that advanced with his physical self-protection skills? Artemis pondered this for a moment and came to the decision to ask Sanders himself. He approached the boy. "Sanders,"
Sanders turned and faced Artemis. "Oh, hey!"
Artemis greeted him as well. In a way. "Greetings."
Sanders grinned. "No need to be formal!" He slapped Artemis on the back. Artemis staggered forward. Sanders apologized, "Uh, sorry."
Artemis straitened his tie. "I do not hold any ill feelings towards you. Rather, I would be pleased to ask you a question."
Sanders took a moment to process what the other boy had said. He then replied, "Ask away,"
Artemis breathed out. It would be better to get this over with quickly. "What is your situation with any physical contacted arts?"
Sanders smiled. "I do a little bit of sports."
Artemis demanded, "Please elaborate."
Sanders looked away and shouted louder than he needed to, "Oh, look at the time! I have to get to class. See you!"
Artemis's eye twitched. He decided that Sanders was more than he thought. He then proceeded down the hallway. It was time for the next class.
School was an interesting experience. Artemis tolerated these days quite admirably. They went by quick enough. One weekend, Coeus and Persephone decided to take Artemis to the beach.
The outcome? Well, let's just say, it is not a very good idea to take a vampire to the beach.
Artemis, Coeus, Persephone, and Butler proceeded to a nearby beach (Butler was dragging Artemis.) When they arrived Coeus and Persephone immediately took off, rampaging in the sand.
Butler, who had by this time set Artemis down, found to his horror, that the occupants wore nothing more than bikinis or swim trunks. This was completely normal to an average person, but to the Fowls this was a bit more than necessary.
Butler flinched and covered his employer's eyes. "Don't look," he said, "It's not pretty."
Artemis replied mournfully, "I know, Butler," he flinched as well. "I know."
Artemis and Butler walked away from the previous location and proceeded to the nearby shops. More than a few bystanders stared hard at the two figures. However, this was LA, and they had seen stranger things. They did stand out quite a bit, however. Artemis was wearing a Giorgio Armani suit, and Butler was wearing nothing less fancy. People whispered to each other, talking about how maybe the pair were movie stars and the vampire-giant combo had come to take the day off.
Artemis ignored the staring company and resorted to walking calmly and slowly down the street. People backed away from the pair, resulting in a wide walkway for the later party. Suddenly a teenage girl approached Artemis. "Um…are you, like, a movie star?"
Artemis replied testily, "No."
The girl studied Artemis and squinted, trying to detect a lie. Then she pointed to Butler. "Is he?"
Artemis twitched, not for the first time this day. "No."
The girl asked, "Then who are you?"
Artemis straightened his tie. "You have no business—"
"Shea!"
Persephone and Coeus had evidently left their former location to find Artemis. Persephone had called out in surprise to Shea. "What are you doing here?"
Shea grinned. "I'm, like, chilling out!"
Persephone grinned. Coeus grinned. Artemis snorted. "Do you have anything to say to me?"
Shea narrowed her eyes. "Uh, dude, you're, like, weird."
Artemis frowned. "Hm. I should deposit you in highly-concentrated hydrofluoric acid for your impudence."
Shea blinked. "You just proved my point, dude."
Butler, at the moment, was observing the surroundings for any chances of assassination attacks, kidnapping attempts and other elimination schemes. There were a few couples and a group of teenagers in the shops along the side. One lady was jogging with her dog and as a man walked on the road, holding a cell phone to his ear. The place was completely in the open with no proper guarding spots. What a terrible place for having conversation!
Suddenly, a dark shape on the roof budged. In a second Butler had drawn his Sig Saucer and was pointing at the figure. Coeus and Persephone's eyes bulged. "Dude, is that, like, a gun?"
The figure suddenly jumped off the roof as Butler shot. A pigeon lay at his feet.
Coeus yelled, "Dude, you just can't, like, go shooting birds here. We have, like, parks for that!"
Butler apologized to him thoroughly. But he was sure that he had felt a spike of killer intent…
The trained assassin panted hard. It was a good thing that a bird had been on the roof. Otherwise he could have been the cooked meat. And what was with the one who he was supposed to kidnap? It was this puny little pale kid who stood around in an Armani Giorgio suit! Did this brat really steal that Rembrandt painting? He didn't seem like one with much gut. He'd probably spill information like a waterfall.
Artemis grimaced.
Somehow Coeus, Persephone, and Shea have gotten the idea into their miniscule brains that Artemis needed to be taken to an arcade. Of all the places in the world, it had to be an arcade.
It was a quite full, but there were a few vacant spots. The place was also very loud, and so one had to shout to be heard.
Coeus grinned. "Dude!" he yelled. "Let's, like, try this!" He dragged Artemis to a first person shooter game.
Artemis's nose shriveled. "I reject!" he replied promptly.
Coeus frowned. "Dude, just try it. Please. For me." He feigned puppy eyes.
Artemis stuttered (for the first time in his life). "But it's contaminated! It's unhygienic!"
Butler promptly brought out a spray bottle of disinfectant and sprayed the game controller. Artemis's eye twitched. "Butler, you were not supposed to do that."
Coeus grabbed Artemis's hand and brought it over to the game controller. He shouted, "Okay, then, start!" He then pressed the button for starting the game.
Artemis, startled, did nothing. At all. Coeus cried out in horror for a bit and then Artemis shouted one order. "Butler! Take over!"
Butler took the controller and killed all 15 enemies in 4.2 seconds flat. "You were saying?"
Coeus gaped. "Wow! You're, like, awesome, man!"
Butler grinned. "This is pretty fun."
Thanks for bearing through my terrible writing skillz!
By the way, I DO NOT talk like Artemis, Coeus, OR Persephone.
skoshiahiru
