Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own Mahou Sensei Negima!

I make no money from this crap.

Thanks to Shadow Crystal Mage for the editing and joke adding help.

I don't feel well. Let's get over with this quick.


Magic is what you want it to be.


Previously, in Unequally Rational and Emotional! That is, previously, in Magic is what you want it to be!

Honnouji Academy:

"So, what has been happening over at Mahora, anyway?" Rias Gremory casually asked over the dinner table.

"Well," Himejima Akeno dutifully reported, "after the son of the Thousand Master returned from Kyoto, it seems he started training under the Dark Evangel"

"Really?" Rias lifted a fine, blood-red eyebrow. "That's odd, I don't think she'd ever taken a disciple before. Even that... Karin, wasn't that her name?– girl in the older records was apparently only a servant. Are you sure about that piece of info?"

"It seems legit enough," Akeno said before continuing, "The Thousand Master's son apparently drew enough attention over all of that one of the six factions decided to send an agent after him."

"Which one? Please, tell me it's not one of the Malebolgia's hellspawns again. Seriously, those never get anything done and only make a mess for everyone. I don't know why he keeps trying them..."

"He's still under contract with Todd Mc Farlane, as Mephistopheles is always willing to remind everyone. Them always making a mess for everyone is just how he uses them to console himself," Akeno observed. "Regardless, no, actually, it's Count Graff Herman, if our sources are to be trusted."

"Ah. Well, I suppose it could have been worse," Rias sighed. "Poor boy, however. He'll never know what hit him. And what about the going ons at Mundus Magicus? It's been a while since we last heard about Clef-sama summoning champions to free his Princess, hasn't it?"

"Yes. Last thing I learned on the subject is, Lord Zagato was taking no chances and sending agents to roam the lands, trying to call Clef's Magic Knights out before they can grow strong enough as to challenge him. It remains to be seen if he will succeed, or if those Knights have enough potential as to menace him anyway..."

"Doesn't it bother you how the bad guys always seem to be the ones with the actual initiative, while the good guys only react?" Rias asked her intelligence gatherer, shaking her head to herself.

"It would seem to be a worrying pattern when it comes to these things, wouldn't it?" Akeno wondered before half-tilting her head towards the audience. "And now, after that refresher, we return you to the goings ons at Mahora Academy..."

"Who are you talking to this time?" Rias asked with a slight scowl.

"The audience."

"That's it, no more dodging, you're going to therapy. Talking with that Deadpool fellow was more harmful than it seemed!"


"Haven't you noticed," Satomi took a moment to ask Konoka, "how that slime woman acts and even sounds a lot like that Tsukuyomi young lady you—"

"I don't think she does, no," an unusually frowning (but still cutely so) Konoka quickly interrupted her.

Haruna raised her eyebrow, crinkling her nose. "Ah, the annoying, peppery smell of denial... "

Meanwhile, Melona was using the bunny ear-like prehensile extensions on her head to grab Negi by the temples, all the better to repeatedly headbutt him. "Oh, you're so stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid brat!"

"Then again," Surimu said from where she and her sisters sat by the sidelines, "aren't you even worse by acting like a brat too when you're supposed to be an adult?"

"Shut up," her mother snapped at her, "What do you know, you're a cheeky brat yourself! Ow! Hey!" she complained as Negi finally managed to swing a leg into her belly, where it got stuck into Melona's slimy mass.

"Oh, for the love of—!" Shiho groaned, barely able to pull a small dagger out of one of her sleeves, swiftly cutting one of the pink tendrils holding her, only to find out the wound closed back just as quickly. "Gah, not fair, this thing's supposed to be blessed! Damn you blessed thing!" The dagger then quickly eroded into fine black dust and Shiho pouted. "So this is what happens when a miko curses a blessed object, huh. I'd have thought the blessing just cancelled itself out at worst..."

Akira snarled, chomped angrily through the slime restrain holding her mouth shut, spat it out (she wasn't the type to swallow another girl's juices), and threw her bound arms forward as best as she could, straining herself as much as she dared. "MERCURY BUBBLES!" she shouted, and a barrage of bubbles flew out to impact Melona's head from a side, taking a large frozen chunk of it off.

What was left of Melona's head turned back to Akira, yelling at her while it regenerated, "Ey yuh, dat ws so MEan, THAT was THE paRTof muh jead contrlling th lnguage..."

"Demerit for improper use of Japanese!" Negi growled, swinging his still leg up into Melona's body as much as he could, until his foot got stuck again, this time between the slime's large, round breasts. His face immediately went red. "Uhhh..."

Melona's now fully regenerated head turned back to smile sweetly at Negi, while she regrew the restraints around Akira's mouth. "Oh, you naughty thing, you."

"I, I didn't intend to!" he babbled. "I just wanted to kick all the way into your throat, not to do anything ungentlemanly!"

Melona chuckled creepily as she pushed Negi against herself, twisting him so his face was directly pushed in between her boobs, his nose almost touching his own raised leg. Even Makie cringed at the sight of such a forced positioning.

The mother slime giggled, even more disturbingly, as her hands massaged the back of Negi's head, rubbing his scalp. "If you were curious about them, you just had to ask! I'd never deny a last favor to a young man!"

"Mother, you're embarrassing us," the Slime Sisters deadpanned at the same time.

Back at the backyard, Haruka and Ayaka had to be restrained by the others as they began wildly foam off the mouth, trying to claw on the bubble prison's surface.

"What? What are you seeing now, that has them so fired up? Tell me already!" Misa was frantically demanding.

"You two calm down or you're losing crystal ball privileges too," the Count warned.

Negi's vision was completely obscured as something warm and wet seemed to fill his nose, and before he could start struggling for real to pull himself free, he was quickly claimed by a dark, serene droziness. A moment later, however, he forced himself to regain consciousness, although at first his mind seemed strangely clouded, his vision still obstructed by... something.

What? he thought. What, what is this? So soft, yet unbearably oppressing, so hot, but also fresh... is this... Marshmallow? Marshmallow Hell? And why do I have the nagging feeling I should be in a tropical island?

Wait a bloody second.

"GEEEEEHHHH!" he screamed, gasping madly for air as he used his hands to push himself back from Melona, his face redder than ever if such a thing was possible. He furiously looked into the face of the laughing pink haired woman. "That, that wasn't funny at all!"

"It is!" she argued. "And you know what's even funnier? Look at where your hands are!"

"My..." Negi trailed away, looking at his hands only to realize they were squarely resting on Melona's breasts. "AHHHHH!" he screamed, trying to pull them back, only to find they had been left stuck there...

That was when Kotaro, Yami, Lala and Rito kicked in through the room's door, pouring in within to find themselves looking at several girls (and a cat) held high by slime tentacles by their limbs and bodies, their mouths gagged; and at the middle of it all, a buxom pink haired beauty with bunny ears and a skimpy French maid outfit, holding a slime covered Shota by his lower section while his hands rested on her breasts.

Yami's ears instantly blew thick clouds of dark gray smoke, her shoulders drooped, and her face was covered by a solid black screen erasing any and all features.

"... this isn't what it looks like!" Negi protested.

"..." Rito said, and then angrily exploded, "YEAH, RIGHT! OF COURSE IT DOES! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FOOLING YOU PERVERT?-!"

Although silenced, Misora, Cocone, Shiho, Minako and even Akira still shot upset, vicious even, glares at Rito. Even Lala gave him a sort of dubious side glance.

"Out of everyone, you should be the most understanding of a situation like this, Yuuki-san!" Negi spoke for them.

"Oh, yeah," Rito snorted, "because I'm supposed to believe a random, incredibly contrived and forced chain of events made you to— um— well— No, no, no, that much bad luck can only happen to ONE man on this green Earth! I simply refuse to believe anyone else can be that unlucky!"

"Unlucky? Are you gay?" Ameko asked him. "Not that there's anything wrong with that, but..."

"Shaddap, little creepy thingie, stay out of this!" Rito told him. "All I know is, one way or another, someone here's being incredibly creepy and perverted, and—!"

"I hate ecchi," Yami said with a small, incredibly chilling and deep voice, her face still obscured.

Rito nodded firmly. "Yeah, I agree, ecchi is bad and should be punished, and before any smartass says anything, Haruna-chan's not ecchi, she's just a little bit eccent—"

"I HATE ECCHI!" Golden Darkness roared, as every fragment of her person she could morph became a sharp instrument of disemboweling death, and she threw them in all directions at once.

With tentacles, of course. Which looked very unfortunate.


London:

"Okay," Anya Cocolova said after a while, when it became obvious to her the man was not going to acknowledge her presence until she spoke to him, "aren't you going to ask me why I'm here?"

Jason Blood, her current caretaker and host, inwardly cursed the debt he had owned to the Merdiana Headmaster. Thankfully, it would be repaid after the girl's training period with him ended. Then maybe he could return to the relative normalcy of Gotham, where the only annoying pre-pubescents he had to deal with were either Batman's problem or trapped in crystal balls. He looked up from the ancient tome of forbidden lore (C++ For Dummies, 1991 Edition) he had been reading, pushed up the glasses he only wore while reading to look smarter (since it annoyed Etrigan, and anything that annoyed him was something that Blood greatly cherished) and glanced over his mahogany desk and towards the tiny girl standing at the doorstep of his office.

Her small dog familiar, the one she had summoned a couple of months ago, sat by her side, trembling slightly as was his custom, large eyes shining with a nervous glint.

Blood's rich, cultured voice flowed out elegantly. "Why should I? Have you, perhaps, been struck by some sort of amnesia spell, making you forget about your stay here? That would be a terribly clichéd plotline, but if you really need to be reminded, you are practicing fortunetelling under my—"

"I don't mean that and you know it!" Anya shrieked, stomping a foot down and making the dog yelp. "Well, since you aren't enough of a gentleman to politely ask after I politely knocked before entering, I'll tell you outright, what's going on with Nekane?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Elaborate."

Anya pouted. "I've been calling, just to know how she's been doing. Since I know that idiot Negi is probably too absorbed in his job to remember to check regularly. All I keep getting are recorded messages from her and the next door neighbor, that orange-farming war veteran, telling me she's still 'on a trip'."

"So try reading her fortune, then," Blood aloofly said, his attention returning to the book. "It should be easier for you, since you have a connection to her."

"Do you think I haven't tried yet?" Anya hissed. "I keep getting weird garbage, like 'beware the pink slime' and 'the shield will usurp you'! That shouldn't be happening! And, and I can't help being worried, after that weird albino girl showed up here, and said she had designs on Negi and his family, and her siccing a darn giant on your demon...!"

Blood sighed, marking the pages and closing the tome. "I see. You won't stop pestering me until we have found out, will you?"

Anya nodded resolutely, and after a moment, so did her dog.

Blood stood up and stepped towards Anya. "Are you sure you can handle questioning him?"

"I can," Anya replied immediately.

"No, you can't, but that's one of the things you have to learn on your own," the black-clad man said, placing a hand on his forehead and gloomily chanting, "Begone, begone, the form of man, rise the demon Etrigan."

Courage whimpered loudly as a column of smoke enveloped Blood, and a heavy stench of sulphur filled the room. He ran to hide behind Anya's legs, hugging them tightly and trembling like mad.

"St-Stupid dog," Anya gulped, steeling herself as the smoke dissipated, and she found herself facing the yellow skinned, red clad musclebound brute towering before them, grinning perversely a huge mouth full of sharp teeth...

... and wearing Jason Blood's glasses on his face.

He noticed this, snorted, and crushed the glasses in a claw. "Foolish buffoon, does he think this is funny? I should gut him like a bunny." Then he grinned again at Anya, enjoying the way her small knees clacked against each other. "So! Is the little child afraid for her adoptive mother? And yet brave enough to be for Etrigan a bother? What an irony! What a contradiction! I appreciate that however, so I give your query a benediction."

He laughed darkly, running a claw over his mouth as the mention of that latest word made it sizzle for a moment.

"I, I just want you to tell me she's okay, then, then you can go back, that's all..." Anya said.

"Go back? Into the jail of flesh? Do you think I crave for that? What a jest! I rather enjoy every moment in freedom spent... I can't say I like it there, even if there's no rent! So, since you gave Blood an excuse to set me free... I'll answer your question with macabre glee. Be warned however, when you ask a devil, you might not like the answers gained from the power of evil."

"Aaaaaahhhhhh..." Anya gulped, eyes going diminutive while Courage's hug became almost crushing.

Etrigan chuckled as he gestured with both hands, two fingers of his right hand against one temple, his left hand held out as if sensing something, in the style of all hack and quack phony psychics (and mutant telepaths) everywhere. "Oh yes, I can see what of the future show! Your Nekane is going to face the demon in the snow!"

"In the... snow...?"

"From that night where fire rained upon your village," Etrigan's tongue snaked out, even longer than Gene Simmons', "and many fell under a hellish savage. What a great night! Oh, so much fright! What a good show did he give us, fellows in Hell! I truly hope he comes out well!"

"You mean...?!" Anya shuddered in horror.

"Oh yes I do! The commander of those legions, the Count of darkness! A truly delightful aristocrat of all things badness! He's there! In the school under the World Tree! Trapping two Springfields, that much I can see!"

Anya wobbled in place, putting both hands to her flat chest, eyes going wide.

Etrigan clenched his teeth in a fiendish smile. "The resolution, I can't foresee, however... but I'd bet the time of her return would be... well, never!"


"She's so late," Achakura Ryoko mused aloud, sitting by the apartment's window and looking out into the night. "This isn't like her!"

"Where do you think she is right now?" asked the green dog made out of a balloon sitting beside her. If you've watched Haruhi-chan, you don't need to ask. If you haven't, still don't ask.

"How should I know?" the chibi Asakura groaned, lying back and crossing her short stubby arms behind her all too short neck. "Do you think she ever tells me what she's got to be doing when she goes out? It's all 'classified information' with her. At least when I held the job, I could share data every once in a while..."

"Do you think she's okay?" Kimidori-san asked.

"She does it because she likes it, I tell you," Achakura continued, oblivious to his concern. "She thinks it makes her so cool and mysterious, like that weird person you hear about in the news who dresses like an echo-locating flying mammal. Mysterious? Let me tell you about mysterious! *I* could pull off being mysterious while also being open and chatty! There's no achievement in looking mysterious when you don't talk to anyone and spend the whole day with your nose stuck into a book or playing dating sims! Actually, scratch that, it doesn't make you look cool and mysterious, it just makes you look like Katsuragi Keima!"

In a little insert on the lower right of the screen, Katsuragi Keima didn't look up from his PFP. "I am the God of Conquest and I approve this message."

"Right, so you think she's okay after all. Good to know," he said.

"Okay? How could anyone who is so screwed up be ok— Oh, you mean... Of course she is! What could possibly befall her, an expert agent of the Overmind, other than a major incident involving that Kyon-san I would have killed off if only she hadn't foolishly intervened?" She began wagging a tiny finger, ignoring the thunder rumbling in the distance, while ranting, "And she was good enough to best and suppress me, so she's all but unbeatable!"

"Do you think there's a chance she might bring us something from wherever she is right now?"

She gave an exceedingly cute little snort. "I doubt she'll ever bring anything but books! And maybe a few dating simulators! She's not even original, she doesn't buy anything that's not God of Conquest approved!"

"It's bad that we don't like books or dating simulators ourselves," Kimidori-san said, "because I'm so bored."

"You could go to sleep, you know," Achakura humphed at him.

"I'm a balloon! Balloons don't sleep!"

Achakura pulled a needle out and prickled him, making him explode.

"You might start trying now," she told him. "I'm sure it must be easier this way."

"Just wait until Nagato-san comes back and reformats me," Kimidori-san's main remaining piece said from the floor. "I'm so telling her when she gets baaaaaa...!"


"Gesunheidt, Nagato-san," Mikuru politely told Yuki.

The short haired girl briefly rubbed her nose and only nodded once at her. "Thank you," she said, quiet and passive, and they went back to attentively looking at the events unfolding in the crystal ball with the rest of the girls in the bubble who had not lost crystal ball privileges...


"Wait a second!" Melona began to say. "Aren't you that girl the Count— guuuuuhhhhh!" she babbled one moment later, as several sharp blades of Yami's extensions pierced through her head, two of them going under her left eye, three stabbing into her forehead, one slicing the lower section of her chin.

"Well, that wasn't very nice," Surimu sighed as she dodged another blade shooting for her. "Shall we try being good daughters for once and help her?"

"Why not? It should be a nice change of pace," Purin shrugged while leaping ahead towards the maddened Yami with her sisters.

"This kind of thing isn't bothering me that much. I suppose that should worry me, but I can't bring myself to worry about that either," Rito dryly confided to Lala while she shielded him with her body and rolled aside, ducking under a Yami-created axe trying to cleave their heads in half.

"Are you talking about the whole seeing boys grope grown monster women thing, or about the whole being attacked with deadly weapons for no good reason thing?" Lala conversationally asked while rolling around with him.

"Both, but mostly the latter!" Rito yelped as her breasts couldn't help but mash against him with their motions, his face reddening and swelling up.

"Ah. No, you shouldn't worry, adaptation to constant attempted murders is a must for a member of the Royal Family!" his fiancée cheerfully told him.

"You guys are all freaking nuts!" Kotaro growled, leaping acrobatically over a few hair tendrils, reaching high enough to take a hold of Cocone and yanking her back down with him, safely cradling her on his arms while Melona's grip of her captives loosened now that she was trembling in place, dislodging tentacle blades out of her person and bleeding pink in all directions. It made Misora and Shiho avert their gazes frantically, trying their best not to puke, while Akira just paled horribly and stared on with very wide eyes. "Hey there, girl," he softly told Cocone, frowning at her. "You okay? Not traumatized beyond repair just yet?"

"I've seen worse," Cocone flatly stated with a small shrug. "Thanks all the same."

Kotaro winced despite himself. "Ah... Alright then. I suppose. Hey! Bookworm! You gonna stay there all night long?"

"Just a second!" Negi grunted, finishing pulling himself free, kicking the final piece of Melona's body wrapped around him off, and then reaching into his clothes for the small black bottle. "I wanted to save this for the ringmaster, but—!"

"Oh, no, you won't!" Melona growled, lunging towards him, breasts bouncing and extending as they turned into really creepy tentacles themselves as the Sisters seized Yami from all sides, tiny weapons created from their own bodies at the ready. Negi jumped aside, taking his hand to the bottle's cork, and then she froze, scowling deeply at him. "What makes you so sure that'll work on me anyway? My girls might have fallen for it, but I'm an elite servant of the Swamp Witch herself! I'll just make you eat that thing whole, loverboy!"

"Eat THIS whole, sister!" Sailor Venus huffed, swinging from behind while grabbing the very slime rope that had been holding her, kicking the back of Melona's head and sending her slamming down on the floor, after which she stepped on her head. "The Goddess of Beauty, punishing all ugly, oversexed cows abusing makeup!"

"She doesn't wear makeup, that's just the way her whorish face is," Ameko informed a moment before Golden Darkness viciously punted her across the room. "Aie!"

"Proper divine punishment for disrespectful daughters..." Melona gurgled from the floor.

"Couldn't you have done that sooner?-!" Shiho demanded.

"Says the girl who was chatting with her," Venus retorted.

"Okay, enough of that already! Let's just see if this works!" Negi decided, finally uncorking the bottle and turning it towards Melona, now that she was mildly stunned from Sailor Venus' attack...

Only to be surprised when a small figure leapt in between himself and the mother slime, blocking the sudden, impressive force that had just been unleashed from the magical bottle. With her little arms extended, the Slime Sister who had just intercepted the suctioning burst merely flinched for a moment before quietly saying, "Why did I do this...?" and allowing herself to be swiftly sucked into the bottle. Not that she had much of a choice.

"PURIN!" Ameko and Surimu cried at once from where they had been.

"What the—!" a still sort of groggy Melona gurgled before roughly pushing Minako aside, almost sending her into the way of some of the hair strands Yami still waved around angrily, aiming everywhere. "Why, you, little rat—!" she viciously hissed, eyes burning while she lunged straight for Negi, apparently suddenly unconcerned at all about the bottle he still was holding, now pointed at her...

With a sharp, shrill cry of vengeance of her own, Surimu sprang from a side to tackle Negi, grabbing him by the ribs and pushing him down to the floor with more strength than anyone that tiny should have had. That made the boy drop the bottle and the cork, which rolled across the floor in opposite directions, eventually getting stuck into the pink goo Melona had left spread while extending herself across the room.

"It'd be nice if someone could get me out," Purin's small voice came from within the bottle. "I think I can't do it on my own..."

"Oh, no, you won't!" Kotaro leapt for the bottle, clawed hands at the ready, but one of Golden Darkness' blades suddenly forced him to recoil right before it could take half his head off. Cursing to himself, he settled for reaching over and catching the cork, which was closer at the time, in time, forcing his sight to shift from the still shaking and suctioning bottle to the seething, red-eyed bounty hunter standing at the other end of the room, a black aura surrounding her and her mobile hair. "Dammit, what is it with you anyway?!" he protested. "Make up your damn mind, woman! I don't mind having you as an enemy, but first decide if you're just against us or against everybody in this place!"

Yami simply growled something angry and incoherent and jumped for him, waving a leg that was now a massive wrecking ball. Kotaro simply sighed as he pirouetted back, barely dodging the ball that had just opened a gigantic crater on the floor. "Sheesh, dames..."

"Keep saying sexist things and I won't give you this to complete the set," chided the girl who had just appeared at his side, holding a certain small bottle in a hand, slightly waving it very close to his.

Kotaro blinked several times at that girl who simply hadn't been there the second right before. It was as if she had simply just appeared out of nowhere in a flash. Then he remembered what her power was, the one she had shown in Kyoto while running up Sukuna itself, and he groaned, annoyed, reaching for her hand. "Cute, fangirl, very cute," he chided while Lala engaged Yami again, pushing her out of their way and their temporary attention. "Now just give me that before—"

"How about this, kid, you give me that cork instead and I'll say we're even," Misora said as she held the cork in her other hand, now. Then, feigning having just realized that, she sang, "Oh, just look at that, how obedient you are! What a nice boy!"

"What—" Kotaro, startled, looked at his hand, realized it was now empty, and stared angrily at the impishly smirking nun(-in-training). "I don't even—" he began.

"I'm sure you don't. Gotta go help my boy, thanks," Misora easily agreed before flashing out again, bolting towards where Negi had just disappeared under Melona, Surimu and Ameko, who had just leapt on him all at once, more than willing to retaliate...

... and then, as Misora approached, she had to zoom aside as the mother slime was blown back, pushed back by a compressed wind spell while Negi tried to shake the two smaller slimes off himself. Misora winced, gulped loudly, then forced herself to say, "Way to go, Negi-kun! Leave the rest to me, okay?!"

"What is that bitch say— Uh oh," Surimu said, tilting her head up to look at the girl clenching a nervous grin and aiming the still open bottle at them.

From the inside, she thought she could make out Purin's diminutive hand waving at them.

Ameko gave her brasher sister a level glare before they could be sucked in. "This is all your fault, you know," she said.

"How it is my fauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu—!" Surimu cried as they were sucked in, only to have Misora's hand slapping the cork back on the bottle as soon as they were trapped inside.

"Aaaaaaaand that does it!" Misora chuckled to herself, rattling the words and wobbling on shaky knees, ignoring the looming shadow rising behind her, one eye shining ominously crimson as twin rabbit ears twitched erratically on top of a pink haired head.

"Misora-san! Look out!" Negi warned, aiming his staff over Misora's shoulder, and pointing at Melona's head...

... although, before he could even utter a spell, or before Cocone could intervene either, a black rose flew out from the darkness and directly through Melona's head, getting stuck between her eyes.

Melona blinked in shock which quickly turned into annoyance. "This definitely is one of those nights, isn't it?" she muttered, grabbing the rose and plucking it out of her head.

"Now what..." Negi wondered aloud, as he, Shiho, Misora and Cocone all came closer, looking towards the entrance of the room, where now stood a mysterious, elegant figure in the shadows...

Sailor Venus instantly perked up, eyes going impossibly starry. "Ah! I knew he wouldn't fail to show up...!"

Sailor Mercury blinked, squinting to get a better look through the darkness. "Yes, but... wasn't he more of a black-wearing type...?"

A loud, commanding, potent voice rang through the room. "Showing up wherever danger looms! An emissary of mystery! An enemy of evil, perhaps an ally of justice? Who knows? Only the Black Rose Baron himself!"

"Oh brother, shouldn't you just go away...?" a rather frustrated Kotaro stood his ground, rolling his eyes in exasperation.

"That voice...!" Negi gasped loudly. "That delivery! That heroic posing! That amazing timing to protect me from danger! Is.. Could it p-possibly be...?" he stammered wildly, hands trembling, face suddenly going quite pale.

The newcomer still standing in the shadows, half wrapped in their long white cape, flinched back at that, taking a noticeable step back while Minako's face seemed to fall apart in disbelieving recognition, or rather lack of recognition, and Akira simply frowned thoughtfully. "Wha-what are you talking about, strange boy I have never seen before..." the stranger stuttered, trying to do their best macho, heroic stance and attitude. "I'm nothing but a vagrant yearning for nothing but adventure..."

"FATHER?!" Negi cried out, his trembling now extending all over his body.

For a moment, there was nothing but absolute silence all over the mostly destroyed, slime covered room.

"... what?!" Melona and Rito found themselves saying at once, only to then share a brief awkward look.

Misora facepalmed, then quietly shook her head to herself.

Cocone said absolutely nothing or made any expression whatsoever.

Minako simply finished literally falling apart into pieces, as Artemis sighed, pulled a small jar of glue out of wherever Mau store magical items, and then began patiently glue the pieces back together with Akira's just as stoic help.

Even Yami and Lala stopped fighting and only gave Negi a joint 'Oh, come on!' glare.

Shiho frowned, glanced back and forth several times between Negi and the figure trying to meld into darkness as if their life depended on it, and then shouted at the boy, "Oh, for the love of—! That's your father, for real?! Anyone can tell it's a woman doing a bad impression of a man!"

"I'm not!" the Black Rose Baron was quick to reply before Negi could do anything but opening his mouth. "I'm the much beloved by, um, all women Black Rose Baron! Champion of the mysterious ways of the, ah, um... Strategically-Challenged Rash Action Hero... H-how could I ever be mistaken for a woman? That's silly, that's never happened to me before, you silly girl..." Then she, for she had to be a she, quickly descended into a short nervous laugh that sounded all too feminine while the girls, the slime and Kotaro and Rito, and even the three sisters within the bottle, just gave them truly atrocious glares, of the 'How can you be that bad at it?!' variety.

As Negi simply stood in shaking, impressed silence, staring at the mysterious paladin with gigantic watery eyes, Nekane flinched even more and leapt back into the all consuming shadows of the corridor behind. "I'vedonetoomuchforonenightbyewewillmeetagainunknownboy," she stumbled over the words while disappearing into the blackness.

"Ah!" Negi gasped while trying to reach out with a hand. "NO! Where are you going?! Who are you?! You, um, Baron-san! You can't simply show up and then leave like that without even—!"

Then he had, all of a sudden, the edge of a sharp pink blade spawned from the angry Melona's right arm tighly pressed dangerously close to slicing his throat.

Negi sighed. "Really, couldn't this wait just a minute or two more? I was about to have a touching reunion with my father!"

"THAT WAS A WOMAN, YOU MORON!" everyone, even Melona, chorused.

"No, it was definitely my father!" Negi declared, ignoring Melona's threat to his neck. "I knew I was right all along! If I was in great, great danger, and really needed help, my father would show up to save me...!"

"That was clearly a blonde!" Yami and Lala cried.

"He was clearly using a wig as a cunning disguise!" Negi declared confidently.

"She had tits!" Misora, Kotaro and the girls in the bottle all chorused.

"Cunning disguise!" Negi insisted.

"You could see her hips with those pants!" Rito said.

"Father has clearly been keeping in good shape and dieting," Negi said. "Really, you're all just jealous your father didn't show up to rescue you when you needed help."

"Maybe we should just let Melona-san kill him and work something out later?" Shiho mused.


"That's her!" Haruna said eagerly, craning her neck up to get a better look over Ayaka's shoulder. "That's the Black Rose Baron girl we told you guys about!"

"Bummer," Haruhi pouted. "I was expecting that Tuxedo Kamen dude! At least he has name recognition!"

"It's still a rather amusing twist of events, isn't it?" the Count commented with a faint smile.

"Well, yeah, I can't deny you've offered a great show so far," Haruhi replied. "I'm glad you kidnapped us! If I had to rate this kidnapping, I'd give it eight out of ten. I have to dock points for lack of tentacle-on-Mikuru action and you're not providing interesting exposition thus far."

"Ah, a pity. I shall endeavor to do better, should I need to kidnap you again in future," the Count said.

"Eh, you have time, the score's not final yet," Haruhi cheerfully assured him. "You have plenty of time to mindbreak Mikuru into your sexual servitude with your unnaturally phallic inhuman organs."

"Eh?-!" Mikuru cried.

Misa glanced aside at Madoka. "And you choose to spend time with this woman over us? Really?"

Sakurako sniffled. "That Kyon-san isn't even that good looking anyway."

Madoka just ran a hand down her own face.

"See, you don't even have a defense for yourself," Misa coldly accused. "Seriously, you're making me rethink hanging out with you if your taste is this bad."

"Shut up, please... just shut up..." Madoka said in a tiny voice.

"That's sure a handsome looking man," Asuna commented then in a dreamy, faraway tone.

Everyone, Chamo, Itoshiki and Keiichi included, stared at her.

Asuna continued, undeterred, head slightly tilting aside, bells tingling. "Such an elegant poise, such a noble attitude! And that's Negi's dad, from what I heard? Maybe there's still hope for the brat!"

"... Asuna, that's a girl," Makie matter-of-factly said. "Believe me, I know. My Homura-mama has an anniversary-fun-time-tuxedo just like that she and Madoka-mama use when they want to make me go to sleep early."

"Well, I'll admit he's hardly the manliest type I've ever seen," Asuna conceded, "But variety is the spice of life, you know? I usually like them rougher and tougher, but there's nothing wrong with indulging in a smooth bishounen every once in a while. As long as they're polite and dashing..." she sighed.

"And older?" Ayaka tensely asked, eyebrow twitching.

"That goes without saying!" Asuna exhaled.

"Count-san," Itoshiki requested. "Please either move her closer to you, or step closer to her. It's obvious she can't get a good look of the events from her current viewpoint."

"That's a reasonable and fair request," the Count nodded, walking closer to Asuna and giving her a better show of the scrying ball. "Is this better, Princess?"

"I saw everything perfectly clear!" Asuna protested. "Although I don't mind the even better view, thanks." she said, leaning ahead as much as she could to keep on watching. "I have to agree, as kidnappings go this is pretty good, though I'm docking points because of the kinky outfit and you, you know, kidnapping me. Eight out of ten."

Misa was about to say something, but then simply twitched and growled. "Haruna, that hand."

"Actually, it's mine," Haruhi said. "Your friend's hand is on my ass."

"Well, one of them anyway," Haruna piously said. "I can't tell a lie. They work so much better when they're plausible."

Mikuru then gasped, quickly pulling away from Haruna. "How, how could you?! I, I thought that was Suzumiya-san's!"

"Thinking about it, Count-sama," Keiichi calmly said then, "I also wish to thank you over tonight's events. 8.5 out of ten."

"I'm going to hurt you as soon as I can!" Skuld threatened him.

"I'm only a man!" Keiichi protested. "A less-than-average man, in fact! I'm not like these average guys, who somehow manage to attract girls despite being completely bland, boring, creepy, and having no interesting points whatsoever!"


At the same time, somewhere else, deep under the surface of Venus:

One of the interns, who had been sweeping the hall for half an hour now, stopped when she noticed several of her coworkers and superiors gathered at one of the offices, chuckling to themselves and trading small talk while gathering around one of the desks. Moving into the office while firmly gripping her broom, the cute young intern with the skull shaped decoration on her hair and 'honorary prinny cleaning staff' badge approached the desk, where a tiny demoness in a skimpy black suit and shiny high-heeled shoes giggled at a joke of one of the other demons gathered around her before realizing the newcomer's presence.

"Oh, hey, Elsie," Etna waved. "I'd forgotten today was your turn. Wanna take a moment to check on this?"

"Ah, what is it?" the taller, bustier demon girl asked, approaching hesitantly while a few others subtly moved aside to let her in. She looked at Etna's computer screen, where she saw an old man in a black coat and hat standing on wet grass surrounded by captives. "Say, isn't that..."

"Yeah, old Graff in his disguise," the hulking, muscular, large breasted Thrym confirmed, nodding at the awestruck Elsie. "Ets got an anonymous tip he was moving on to do something on Earth, so she rigged a bug on him, and right now we're taking bets to see if he succeeds or not. Wanna join in, kid?"

"Sorry, can't do," Elsie sheepishly said, turning her empty pockets out and shrugging with a small sad smile. "Maybe if you'd asked me last week."

"Tsk, always throwing your money around," Shader the cat eared Science Development techie shook her head, in disapproval. "Why do you keep forgetting frugality is a virtue?"

"We aren't supposed to have virtues," the diminutive, blonde Eihwaz reminded her.

"I AM BAYTOR!" Baythor chimed in, howling at the top of his lungs and waving a few bills in a bony, spot-stained hand.

"I don't know, Lord Baytor," Etna carelessly shrugged, trying a zoom in, "the old man's been quite rusty for a while now. He just isn't what he used to be, and you know he's been wasting his time taking jobs from mortals lately."

"Well, his own fault for throwing his lot in with the Malebolgia during the Wars," Hrungnir callously said. "Lady Hild would have him as a field agent today, otherwise. He had talent, if nothing else..."

"W-what is he exactly doing now?" Elsie warily asked.

"I AM BAYTOR!" Baytor shouted again.

"Looks like he's running a kidnap scheme with one of Beryl's boytoys, can you imagine?" chuckled that annoying, wiseass red guy with no pants whose name kept eluding Elsie for some reason. "Trying to get their hands on one of the kids from last month's stunt in Kyoto, do you remember that, Els?"

"Ah!" Elsie brightened up. "You mean the Mahora student group, don't you!-?"

The other demons looked back at her, curiously.

"I am Baytor?" Baytor asked.

"Say, now that I think about it, that boy, what was his name, the one you lived with for a while, he's studying at that Mahora place in this iteration, isn't he?" Etna suddenly smirked in a fittingly devious way, eyes narrowing at the gasping, blushing Elsie.

"He is, he is," Hrungnir confirmed after making a lightning quick search on her laptop. "I wonder if he could do what he did last time now, too? I liked that time, we were all hot women."

"I am Baytor..." Baytor said shiftily.

"Of, of course Kami-niisama could—!" Elsie began to stutter.

"Gee, I don't know, Hrungnir," Lummy, Shader's bunny eared assistant, completely ignored Elsie while rubbing her chin in mocking deep thought. "I'd calculated that one time was a complete fluke...! After all, that guy was, well, is, just a human, what are the odds of such a being—"

Then she noticed the sudden black aura ominously expanding from the tearful, frowning Elsie, whose broom was almost breaking in her grip and whose face was obscured by shadow, and she just finished with an insincere, malicious little chuckle. "Well, come on, 'god of conquest'? Who are we kidd-"

That was as far as she got before Elsie, with a cry of "BLASPHEMY! BLOOD FOR THE KAMI-NIISAMA!" tried to beat her head in with her broom. "TAKE THAT BACK YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH!"

"Maybe you should ask Dokuro for another try then, dear," Etna casually said, ignoring the perfectly normal outbreak of violence as she reached for her cup of coffee and sipping the red hot liquid. "At the very least, it'd help you to— Hey! Who the Heaven took my pretzels!"

"I AM BAYTOR!"

"Oh, why you, freaking you—!" Etna growled right before jumping on him.

Demons. You can put them into civilization, but you can't put civilization into them.


Then Melona had a glowing chain made of gold hearts wrapped tightly around her neck from behind. She only sighed and rolled her eyes while listening to a very upset Sailor Venus say, "I'll tell you what instead, Oneechan. Instead, you'll let go of that boy and just give it up before we obliter— errrrr, send you to the Happy Place Where Defeated Youma go. Doesn't that sound nice right now?"

"Maybe, but I'm not a nice kind of girl," Melona replied matter-of-factly while easily shifting her neck through the Love-Me Chain, letting it drop to the floor much to the Senshi's annoyance, "And I'm no Youma either. I'm all but indestructible, darling. All the parlor tricks that can help you against a Youma are useless against me!"

"There was no need to go that far for me either, Venus-san, really, I'm okay," Negi said, already standing rather far from Melona, having moved out of her way with surprising swiftness in the brief moments the looks hadn't been on him. "I appreciate the thought regardless, of course..."

"You're welcome, Sensei," Minako coldly said. "Anyway, you... you pink spore, you're outnumbered now! Even if we couldn't destroy you, and that's a big if, you can't possibly take on all of us and win either!"

"Then again," Lala observed while keeping Yami pinned against the floor, an elbow on her throat, "maybe all she needs to do is stall us here long enough, isn't it?"

Shiho looked at her. "Elaborate."

"Well," Peke said, "that Count person told Negi-sama they should meet before dawn, didn't he? And dawn is quite close by now. If all of these minions aren't a means to destroy us, test us or exhaust us, then perhaps are meant to delay us..."

Minako simply stared on. "... I still can't get used to the idea your hair decoration talks."

"Well, on Deviluke, cats aren't supposed to talk either, ma'am," Peke pointed out, "but you don't hear us criticizing your pet's capacity for speech."

"I'm not a pet!" Artemis protested.

Lala hummed softly to herself, then looked down at Golden Darkness and asked her. "Will you behave now?"

After a short, hostile silence, the smaller girl quietly admitted, "Perhaps I slightly overreacted, however—"

"Good," Lala said, letting her go and then standing up to gesture towards Misora. "Misora, give me that bottle, won't you?"

"Hey, what's up with the yobisute already, we hardly know each! And it's 'Mysterious Sister', there's no Kasuga Misora here, though I heard she's awesome!— Are, are you sure you know what you're doing?" she finished, handing her the bottle after suddenly remembering she had just been questioning the daughter of some alien overlord.

Lala nodded. "Now, Slime-san, if I've understood the mechanics of all of this correctly, then I might risk freeing your daughters again if I unseal this containment unit to try and capture you as well. That'd just take us back to where we started. Then again, as that girl over there said, you can't beat on all us, but it'd take us too long to deal with you for good. So we're reached kind of an uncomfortable stalemate, where regardless you have the edge as long as you can keep us here..."

"That girl over there?!" Minako cried.

"You're no Magical Kyouko, sorryyyyy!" Lala apologized before holding the bottle tighter. "So this is what we'll do. You'll either leave or surrender right now, or either I'll crush this bottle, probably destroying what there's inside. I imagine you wouldn't like that?"

"What the... Lala!" Rito yelled.

"Deviluke-san, you can't possibly be...!" Negi gasped.

"That's... That's..." Akira stumbled over the words.

While Melona stiffened in place with huge eyes, Lala simply said, "Sorry, I don't like this either, but this is the way my father taught me. What will it be, Slime-san? I'm not waiting long for your answer. Would you like a count to—"

"I'm leaving," Melona said through fiercely clenched teeth. "For now. But I'll come back for them, and you'd better not have hurt then before I do, or else...!"

"You'd have to discuss that with the proper authorities who will hold on to this after tonight, but—" Lala began.

Oozing down into a pink puddle that began flowing back, with murderous eyes directly trained on Lala, Melona interrupted, "You've made a bitter enemy tonight, Bimbo Girl. Remember that! Because I certainly will! You will rue this day! I shall have my revenge! Vengeance shall be mine! I shall return! I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids! Cobra! Hail Hydra! You havent seen the last of me! You think you're all that, but you're not!"

She paused a moment.

"'I'll get you next time'?" Akira helpfully suggested an unused cliche.

Melona nodded thankfully. "I'll get you next time!"

"Hey," Kotaro took a firm step towards Melona, "where do you think your—"

Negi placed a hand on his chest to stop him and spoke direct and coldly. "No. There's no time for this. These are just pointless distractions. Peke-san is right."

"Of course I am!" a vindicated Peke glowered proudly while Melona disappeared into the darkness with a final cry of "Cobra, retreeeeaaat!".

"It's a sad day when the most sensible person around is a hair ornament," Shiho deadpanned with a very strange sour expression.

Negi turned back towards Yami, who also had stood back and now close to him. "How about you, Darkness-san? That outburst was clearly uncalled for, are you still—?"

Then Yami slapped him, hard, making his head snap aside.

"HEY!" Misora cried. Sailor Mercury put both hands over her mouth, scandalized. She might have reacted harder if she hadn't learned about Negi's kissing habits earlier that night.

"Damn, you shoulda told me first," Kotaro said, pulling a cellphone out of his pants. "Can you do it again, please? I wanted to record that..."

"Isn't that Yue-san's?" Cocone asked, quietly eyeing the cellphone.

"I left mine in my jeans..." Kotaro explained.

"So you stole Yue-san's while you were at her room?!" Akira asked.

"Sorry! You just end up picking a few habits when you spend too long in the underworld! It wasn't a steal anyway, just a loan in the event I needed one! I always intended to give it back!"

Shiho frowned, pulling her wallet out of his back pocket. "Yeah, I can see that now..."

Calmly rubbing his swollen cheek now, Negi asked Yami, "What was that for?"

"I hate ecchi," she only said, turning around and beginning to walk for the back exit that would finally lead them back outside.

"But it wasn't my idea to be in that situation in the first place!" Negi protested.

"Wow," Rito said. "So this is what these things look like from the outside. I think now I understand why the others keep laughing at me..."

"I believe we're going to like each other," Kotaro told him in turn.

Rito nodded, then looked at his own wrist, and frowned at the black haired boy. "Maybe after you give me back my watch."

"Sorry, I lost mine too and, again, thought I might need one until this was done..." Kotaro said, handing him the wristwatch back.

They hurried through the mansions corridors, time now of the essence, a frowning Sailor Mercury in the rear.

"While I understand we're in a hurry, did we really have to let Melona-san go rather than stick to the plan?" she said. "She's still a danger."

Minako frowned at her. "What plan?"

"Eh, I thought the plan was for me to freeze her with my ice magic," Akira said. "Isn't that why you all talked at her to make her stop moving? So she'd stay still so I could freeze her? I was just waiting to get into a position where I wouldn't hit anyone else..."

Everyone suddenly stopped and turned to stare at her. She cringed. "That was the plan right? I'm sorry I ruined it by taking so long. I guess I still have a lot to learn–"

She jumped as Negi, Kotaro, Artemis, Shiho, Minako, Misora and even Cocone threw back their heads and screamed, "DAMN IT!"

"AH!" Akira screamed, bowing down repeatedly in apology. "I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY I SCREWED UP THE PLAN!"


"Do you know what is the true measure of a man?" the Count calmly asked, gesturing to make the scrying sphere disappear into thin air, then walking away from Asuna and facing the back exit of the manor, his back turned to his captives.

"The number of girls in his harem," Chamo said instantly.

"The number of women he can sexually satisfy simultaneously," Haruna declared.

"Whether he has made the woman he loves happy," Itoshiki said at the same moment, causing everyone who knew him to stare.

"Well, in my opinion—" Keiichi began

"I am terribly sorry lads, perverted weirdo, but I was asking those who would know something on the subject," the demon told him as politely as he could, given the choice of words.

Keiichi frowned. "Well, that was just plain rude."

"Ah! I'm in despair!" Itoshiki cried. "The one cool thing I've ever said being disregarded like the Kyoto Accords has left me in despair!"

"Seriosuly dude, harem size!" Chamo asserted.

"Multi-tasking," Haruna insisted.

Haruhi and Misa both looked at each other, then Haruhi said, bluntly, "You're baiting us, aren't you. Well, sorry to disappoint you, but we aren't going with the obvious answer, pal. Still, for what it counts, I think your feet are rather small!"

The Count chuckled and shook his head. "I'm just glad all that power is not wasted on you anymore, young lady."

Haruhi blinked. "What do you mean, old man?" she asked, while Mikuru and Nagato looked aside, in opposite directions but identical innocent silences. Madoka, meanwhile, stared at the count the way you would at a frog that's suddenly began to sing and dance.

Instead of answering to her, Herrman answered himself, which annoyed Haruhi greatly. "The measure of a man comes from knowing how to face his destiny. In that regard, I will readily admit the Springfield boy has all the makings of a fine man, even if they come along with the seeds of his own undoing. He can feel fear, but never allows his fears to become his masters. Truly, I almost regret to have to cut his path short. But in this endeavor, I perhaps have too much of an unfair, yet unavoidable, advantage over him."

Skuld's eyes narrowed, and she hissed. "Don't you dare. We aren't supposed, even the children of Nifelheim, to—"

"We are both outcast children of our respective realms, Princess," he stoically told her, his eyes coldly trained on the back door, "and as such, we are both pursuing paths we shouldn't be following. You, on your own, I, on what I have been commanded to, but the end result is the same. We know where this is headed, and we are playing that to our respective advantages. The difference being you are still a child, and hence I can— and will—- play to win, unlike you."

He paused a moment. "Besides, I'm a demon. We don't play by the rules, remember?"

Skuld's anger boiled fiercely as the others just looked at her in perplexed concern. "Why, you miserable—!"

He only held a hand up, without looking back. "Silence. A more respectable child is here now."

And the door flew off its hinges, landing violently at the feet of an unflinching Count, and Negi stepped back out into the icy night, glaring intensely at the old man, the rest of his improptu rescue pose halting behind him, ready to do battle. Well, all but Misora anyway. An exasperated Sailor Mercury reached back through the door and pulled her out from where she'd flattened herself against the wall so she wouldn't be seen from outside.

"Count Herrman!" the boy mage snarled. "You'd better unhand my students, RIGHT NOW!"

And the old man smiled, his lips' corners tugging tightly, and yet also with a slight jaded sadness. "I'm afraid I can't do that. You are, of course, welcome to do it yourself should you get past me."

"And my familar, as well!" Negi kept on demanding, stomping a foot towards him.

Keiichi blinked. "Wait, are we ranking lower in priority than the ermine, now?"

"Finally, some satisfaction!" a pleased Chamo mused aloud.

"I wouldn't care about being left in this bubble, as long as all air were to be drained out of it first..." Itoshiki pondered to himself, delicate fingers tapping on his own chin.

"Negi-kun!" Misa beamed just as the Count was about to say something suitably grand and dramatic.

"My dear Bro!" Chamo gushed a moment later, interrupting the Count again.

"Chamo-kun, girls, nice to see you're okay!" Negi nodded at them, once again beating the Count to the punch.

"Yaaaaay, Negi-kun will save us!" Makie cheered while the demon tugged down on his hat for a second in growing frustration.

"Makie-chan!" Sailor Mercury gasped.

Makie then blinked. "... do I know you?"

"Negi-sensei!" Ayaka swooned, with her eyes turning into pink pulsing hearts.

"Iinchou!" Negi responded in turn. "Hold on there just a second, I'll— Wait, why are you naked?!" He then shot the Count a bug-eyed, bewildered stare. "How dare you! You're even less of a gentleman I thought!"

The Count's right eyebrow twitched slightly. "They were already naked when we happened to collect them. I wasn't going to waste time and effort on dressing up the bait, and that's all they are, bait—"

"Riiiiiiiight, that explains why you took the time to have Asuna put into the special sexy lingerie!" Misa accused.

"Maybe he's sweet on her," Sakurako not-really whispered to her. "He calls her 'princess', after all. Perhaps, just like how she likes old men, old men like her back, that's just logical..."

"It's nothing of the sort!" the Count protested, then grimly muttered something about things not being that ridiculous the time he'd done that. Or something to that effect.

"I'm still not sure he's not a pervert, myself," Yami quietly said as she also walked out into the backyard. "That's why I'm still not saying I won't turn on—"

"Ah, Goldie-chan!" Haruna said. "So you were Befriended by Negi-kun!"

Negi blinked. "What?"

Yami frowned. "I'll pretend I didn't hear that latest insane raving."

"No, no, he so totally did! That's why you came with them instead of being pounding on them right now, what other reason could there be?!" Haruna vehemently argued, then pointed further behind Negi. "Look, look, his boyish charm also won over the puppy kid from Kyoto! Even though he still should be in juvie detention!"

"Who the hell are you calling a puppy, you freaky loudmouth cow?!" Kotaro barked.

Negi frowned, then casually backhanded his mouth with the hand not holding his father's staff. "Insult my students again and I'm tossing you at the ancient fiend."

Kotaro growled and rubbed his own mouth with the back of my hand. "The only reason I'm not punching you back is 'cause my mother taught me that, yeah, you should be patient and polite even with freaky loudmouth cows who're insane. So, sorry, Cow-neesan, it's just this has been a trying night for me."

"Apology accepted!" Haruna happily said. Then she perked further up, eyes sparkling as she saw two other figures coming out behind Negi, Kotaro and Yami. "Rito-chan!"

"Haruna-chan!" Rito ecstatically cried, taking a single sprinting step towards her before noticing all the female nudity, being propelled back by a nasal blood outburst, and landing on his back on the grass, instantly knocked out. "... guh."

Everyone, included the Count, took a moment to sweatdrop. So much that Negi forgot to hit Kotaro again.

"So, ahem," Satomi finally rasped to break the silence. "I see Kasuga-san and Cocone-chan are here as well, but... how about Chisame, Sensei? I hope she hasn't suffered any—?"

"She's okay, thanks for asking," Negi nodded quickly, keeping his eyes on the waiting Count and standing his ground against him. "But we should talk about that lat—"

"If she's okay, then why isn't she here with you?!" Haruka protested. "The never of that woman! After naming herself Lieutennant of our outburst, the least she should do is brotheling to show up during an emergence like this, to stand at your side in the team's aide!"

Negi sighed, clearly tried in his patience. "Nerve, Lieutenant, outfit, bothering, emergency, aid, Haruka-san," he tensely corrected. "But she just couldn't show up, I'll explain after—"

"Did you bring Takahata-sensei along?" Asuna inquired, trying to crane her neck in all directions curiously.

"Uh, no, sorry," Negi said. "I wasn't supposed to bring anyone to this duel or else—"

"WHAT?!" Asuna yelled. "Oh, yeah, and then why did you bring a whole ragtag bunch of second stringers, okay, and Lala-san, I guess she's okay, here then?! Seriously, you thought of calling on Mana's sidekick but you couldn't bother to ring a bonafide buttkicker like Takahata-sensei?!"

"Second... stringers..." Misora babbled, trembling a little. "That... kinda stung, Asuna..."

Asuna blinked, then added, in an awkward tone, "Um, sorry, maybe that was uncalled for... but, like the puppy who shouldn't even be here said, it's been a trying night... Look, the point is, you even brought two Sailor V cosplayers!"

"Cosplayers?!" Sailor Venus indignantly shouted.

"Well, yeah, maybe you've got some flashy moves, but we've been watching you since you entered that house, and you haven't left the best of impressions on me, girl!" Asuna argued. "I bet the real Sailor V would have demolished this place already!"

"How violent do you think I am?-!" Venus cried indignantly.

"Well, maybe we haven't been giving the best showing so far..." Mercury uneasily allowed, dragging a foot around. "I can see why they'd get the wrong idea about us, then..."

"Oh, come on," Minako snorted. "You know that's just plain—"

"We didn't even exit the house to face the enemy with a proper spectacular Sailor Speech..." Mercury sheepishly said, as if ashamed of herself.

Venus froze in place, then turned around to rest her hands on a wall, her head drooping. "Oh... my God, you're right, we've been batting an all times low tonight. Good thing Tuxedo Kamen-sama hasn't shown up yet, I'd die of shame...!"

The Count, BOTH eyebrows twitching strongly now, looked at Negi again. "Well.. now, then, if all of your companions have gotten what they needed to say out of their chests, it is time for us to—"

"I'M IN DESPAIR!" Venus wailed, throwing her hands up. "JOBBING LIKE I'M A SECONDARY IN SOMEONE ELSE'S STORY INSTEAD OF AN EXPERIENCED SUPERHEROINE JUST BECAUSE I'M IN A SITUATION THAT IS TOO BIZARRE AND PERPLEXING HAS LEFT ME IN DESPAIR!"

"... you're in one of my classes, aren't you?" Itoshiki wondered aloud.

"No, you're just really popular on Mahoratube," Haruhi said.

The Count sighed very deeply. "Just attack me now, please. Any of you."

"With pleasure!" Lala said peppily, flying right over the still downed Rito and past the just about to act Negi, heading directly towards the demon noble, fists first.


To be Continued!


This is a Super Mario Maker Joke, which I Have Just Spoiled by Identifying it as Such.

The Beehive Mob was the most powerful gang in New York City. Since Wilson Fisk was a completely legit humble dealer in spices and could not possibly be connected to the actual most powerful gang in New York City, much less run it as its merciless Kingpin of Crime. Moving on.

The Beehive Mob had survived frequent clashes with rival gangs, crazed supervillains (sometimes sporting metal tentacles) attempting to take over the local underworld, vigilantes like Daredevil and Spider-Man, a visit from the Roanapur-based Troika, that urban legend biker with the skull in flames, those shinobi turtles living in the sewers, and even the Punisher, before he was killed off by the Joker. It had thrived, strong and indomitable, but no asset of theirs was more indomitable than their heiress, the young and vital Kirisaki Chitoge.


"But I don't get it," Spider-Man said as he and Daredevil sat on the rooftop, comparing notes on the gang. "If her mother is the one who's Japanese, and his father is American, and she's been living in America for years, why the Japanese last name?"

"Because it's her mother who keeps Kingpin at bay when he's at odds with them, that's why," Daredevil replied.

"Oh."


No local threat had moved the Beehive family to get their daughter away from them. Not Gah Lak Tus showing up over New York, not the really bizarre war between Uncle Xanatos and the revived Gargoyles from dark ages which had caught the family in the middle for a while, not even the creepy idiotic troll who flooded the city with vegetation spawning from Central Park until the local mages killed him off and swept the whole affair under the rug blaming it on Poison Ivy, none of them had been able to convince them maybe their precious girl would be better off elsewhere at least for a while. She was a New Yorker, after all. She had to be as rough as they came.

Then she got herself tangled in that whole mess with the ancient civilization of dinosaurs living under Brooklyn in a secret underworld (right to the left of the Mole Man's domains, way below the aforementioned ninjutsu turtles), where she somehow ended up replacing a portly Italian plumber and his younger, thinner brother in saving a long lost princess from a mutated turtle Tyrannosaurus emperor out to make her his wife, and the Beehive decided maybe life in New York had finally become a little too ectic for their angel for the time being.

So they shipped Chitoge away to a safer location inhabitated by more normal people, namely the prestigious Honnouji Academy of Japan. Maybe they could use the chance to smooth things over with the Yakuza while they were at it too.

They had considered Riverdale as well, but ended up discarding it because, frankly, those Lodges were bitches.


Loyalty.

Jeremiah Gottwald of the British Empire Armed Forces had always fancied himself a man of unbreakable loyalty. Very early into his military career, he had been assigned to the protection of Empress Marianne, and he had latched onto that assignment with all the zeal he could muster. When the Empress was killed despite his best efforts, he had been offered a lesser position at another branch of the armed service, but he had rejected it without a second thought to just walk away from the State's service.

And everyone had thought he had just been incensed to be demoted over something that arguably was not his (complete, at least) fault, but it hadn't been that. It was just he had pledged his loyalty to the wellbeing of the Empress herself, and failing at that, he just couldn't move on like if nothing had happened. As much as he loved his country- both when it was in the right and when it was in the wrong, lest you think too highly of him- not only he wasn't sure anymore he was the correct man to serve it anymore, but once he had failed at what he originally had pledged himself to, he failed to see much of a point of pledging onto another area of the same field.

So all he asked for was a small farm in the Welsh countryside, like the one his maternal grandfather once owned, to grow orange trees. Shortly after, a young woman and her kid brother had moved to the house next door, after their former hometown had been devastated by what the authorities had officially branded a terrorist attack from the same faction that murdered the Empress.

Gottwald knew a few things about the secret things lurking in the dark that were often covered under such pretenses. He did not understand much about them other than the need to keep them hidden and his own desire to stay away from them. With that in mind, it mildly surprised him to find himself not that upset once he accidentally learned both of his new neighbors belonged to that same world of shadows, due to a misstep from the boy, always too eager to further his arcane education, even before being sent away to some sort of academy built for such purposes. Gottwald supposed he should hate and despise those who belonged to those circles, after all the rumors he had heard about their connections to the hit on the Empress.

And yet, somehow, the young woman's gentle behavior reminded him to that of the Empress, and the frail boy reminded him of the Empress' son in a way, so Gottwald assumed there were people both good and bad in that world as well, just as with any other. Still, he never considered he had any sort of particular loyalty to them. Even keeping their secret was less of a commitment he actively sought and more of a combination of not wanting his memory wiped and just not wishing to bother going around telling, only to be dismissed as a mad man.

Then, why had he agreed to carry on Nekane Springfield's bothersome request shortly before she left?

Jeremiah Gottwald knew nothing about how the magic in the letters worked. All he knew on the subject was she had left him several months' worth of previously recorded letters with assorted messages to periodically send the boy and a certain family friend living at London, with the added instructions to also pick their mail and keep it until Nekane's return. Since anything new hardly ever happened at the village, it was easy to keep the illusion, Gottwald guessed, all those letters were being sent with generic praises of the youngsters' own missives and even more generic token statements of the local situation. He completely ignored if there was any way the children could suspect the ruse and date the letters Nekane was supposed to be sending, but he figured Nekane wouldn't have attempted the stunt if there was one.

It was not his place to question that, he supposed, shrugging to himself after picking the last batch of mail from overseas and taking it home with himself.

After all, that was what loyalty was about, in his mind.


Kittens.

Once, while still studying at Ohtori, Himemiya Anthy had given a small, adorable kitten to the Student Council President, Kiryuu Touga-sama, as a gift.

Now, Anthy was far more aware of everything that transpired around her than she ever let be known, so she was perfectly aware what Touga-sama's possessive, obsessive little sister, Nanami, had done to a green and white kitten Nanami herself had given Touga-sama, long ago. Touga-sama had grown quite attached to and fond of the small animal, to the point Nanami grew jealous of it and ended up drowning it. Well, technically, she'd put it in a box and sent it drifting down a river, but the effect had been the same.

Anthy knew that, but despite all of her insight she couldn't know the future. Still, she had good reason to believe Nanami would do the same thing to this new kitten eventually, and that had not deterred her from giving it to Touga-sama, or even caused her any concern or discomfort about the situation. She was not fond of cats anyway, which in all fairness was a reasonable thing to expect from someone who kept a mouse monkey as a dear pet.


"Hiiiiisssss..." the small, black haired girl under the table hissed, baring her teeth up at Mai and Anthy, much to the former's perplexion. She was crouched down on arms and legs, like a petite beast waiting to lunge forward. Even wearing the Mahora Junior High uniform, everything about her conveyed the strong impression of looking at a wildchild, from her unruly, spiky hairstyle made into two thin side braids to her pose and behavior, not to mention her sharp, fierce eyes.

"Well, I realize it might seem like a heavy charge upon you, seeing as how you're still new at Mahora," the elder gentleman whose office they were at coughed, feigning awkwardness, "But Akio-sama told me before your arrival that you were the best caretaker he had ever known, Himemiya-kun. And of course, Tokiha-kun has a stellar record of looking after a younger sibling for years as well. So, frankly, we couldn't think of a better pair to look after Minagi-kun until we can find a proper tutor for her..."

Mai blinked, nodding absently at Headmaster Konoe's words, barely registering them. Still, she hesitated, and Anthy saw hope there, for a moment, before Mai's endearing but sometimes regrettably annoying soft heart made her crouch down before the Minagi girl, smiling sweetly at her.

At the bottom of the screen, almost-cookie-cutter generic teen anime harem leads all waved. "Yo," Itsuka Shidou, Emiya Shirou, Morisato Keiichi said from the forefront of legions. "See, now there's less sneezing! Aren't you happy?"

The feral girl went from hissing to growling, arching herself like a menacing feline. Mai, undeterred, simply reached over and stroked her hair, petting it softly. "So, Mikoto-chan, huh?" she said. "I'm Tokiha Mai. Pleased to meet you!"

The smaller girl blinked, obviosuly surprised by the unexpected contact from this stranger who was not keeping her distance like everyone else. She had been keeping them at bay for so long she had literally forgotten what to do when they touched her. Well, when they touched her and she didn't have Miroku at hand, at least.

Anthy did not frown or scowl, but for once, she was not smiling anymore. She just stood behind Mai in perfect, polite silence, which Konoemon seemed to find terribly amusing, if his slight chuckling, which only Anthy noticed, was any indication.

It was official, now the old man was Anthy's second least favorite Headmaster ever.

"Oh!" Mai added, gesturing back towards Anthy, cheerfully. "And this is Himemiya Anthy-chan! She'll be your roommate, too!"

The feral girl looked past Mai, met Anthy's bespectacled eyes with her suddenly narrow ones, and wrinkled her nose after sniffing in her direction. "Smells like roses," Minagi muttered, nudging closer to Mai, glaring at Anthy.

Mai blinked. "Um, yeah, I guess. She always does! What's so—"

"People shouldn't only smell of roses," Minagi slowly said, glowering under Mai's chin and generous bustline. "They should smell like people, too."

In addition to the former, it was now clear Konoemon was Anthy's second least favorite person in that office, too.


"Well, at the very least," an amused Archer said, carefully caressing and examining the gigantic black sword while Anthy glared out the window at Mai, running across the garden after a laughing and naked, soapy Mikoto, holding a towel in one hand while yelling at the girl to stop already and get back inside, "she should provide Tokiha-san with extra protection for the incoming war. And I thought you liked strong young swordswomen, either way?"

Then again, Anthy quietly decided, she liked her Servant even less than she liked the kitten or the old man.

She guessed he still was better than her brother.

Didn't change the fact she'd gladly Command him to kill himself eventually, though. After all, that rumored panty demon in Nerima was likely better than her brother.


"— you drowned it? Really?" Yukino made a disgusted face while Hikaru blanched hideously, hands twitching, and Tsuwabuki looked aside uncomfortably. Natsu, Lucy and Gray had identical expressions of utter dislike, while Erza Scarlet's own face had become an unreadable mask of stone.

The other person sitting around the campfire, under the starry skies of Mundus Magicus, grumbled while shaking her head. "Well, I had to, didn't I?! Didn't I just make that sufficiently clear? I didn't trust you, telling you all of this, just so you could stare at me like that! It's probably been reincarnated into a green-haired robot girl or something! I just wanted you to know why I'm not comfortable around cats, and that it's nothing personal against Happy-san!"

"I'm still jumping on your face and scratching it all over," Happy plainly said, seconds before doing just that.