Bella...
The apartment was eerily quiet as I sat alone in the living room. Silence fell around me like a blanket and I was quite content with my copy of Wuthering Heights on my lap and my cup of hot cocoa in my hands.
I wasn't wide awake, but I definitely wasn't tired enough to sleep.
My day had been weird and my thoughts were running around in my mind like a rollercoaster. After I'd moved all my belongings to Emmett and Edward's spare room, I took my time to unpack and revel in the view from my window.
It wasn't like a pokey spare room with a bed that hit all four walls and a wardrobe somehow squeezed in.
It was a massive effing bedroom.
And I couldn't help but wonder what Emmett and Edward's rooms were like.
The bed sat in the middle of the room, with the headboard against the cream wall. To the left of the bed was a large bay window, one which I couldn't help but gape at for about a half hour. There were long built in wardrobes lining the opposite wall, with a white pine dresser near the door.
Once I got my things unpacked, I headed off to the library to complete my last assignment of the week. When I returned the apartment was empty, and I was quite thankful Emmett had given me a spare key because I had a feeling they worked a lot.
After cooking myself some dinner I decided to change into some sweatpants and a hoodie before contenting myself on the sofa with my favourite book.
And I'd been here ever since.
My temporary flat mates had both passed me at some point in the night.
Emmett made small talk, but was far too tired from his shift at the hospital to talk for longer than ten minutes.
And Edward? Well he didn't utter a word as he came into the apartment with a bag of Chinese food, grabbed a fork from the kitchen and headed straight for his room.
That had been hours ago though.
My eyes, though wanting so badly to stay awake to finish the chapter I was on, began to flutter closed as I rested my head on the cushion of the sofa.
I wasn't actually sure if I fell asleep or not, but what felt like only a few minutes later, I jolted awake to the sound of someone else in the living room.
When my eyes opened and adjusted to the dim light emanating from the one lamp I had lit, I saw a figure standing by the liquor cabinet.
I blinked, noticing Edward's unruly hair in the shadows on the wall. He lifted out an old bottle from the shelf and one single glass. Pouring some of the burgundy liquid, he let out a sigh as his shoulders dropped almost in defeat.
He sniffed suddenly, and although he had his back to me I got the sinking feeling something was wrong.
"Um, Edward?" I spoke quietly, not wanting to startle him.
He was just bringing the glass to his lips when he heard me speak. Turning slowly, his eyes met mine.
Although the lamp gave off only the right amount of light for reading, I could see his face very clearly.
And he was crying.
His nose was red and his eyes were filled with water.
"Are you okay?" I asked automatically.
That same feeling I'd felt after I entered this apartment came back to me. I wanted to sit beside him again, comfort him, be with him.
"I didn't mean to wake you." He said slowly, his tone completely controlled and static.
He didn't answer my question.
He sat down on the opposite sofa, taking one large gulp from his glass before pinning his eyes on me one more time.
"What's your biggest dream, Bella?" His voice was barely a whisper, yet his face was almost demanding my answer.
"I don't understand what you mean." I admitted after a long moment of silence.
"Your biggest dream. Something you've always wanted to achieve, or become, or do." He clarified, although halfway through his sentence his eyes fell to his glass.
It was only then that I noticed his free hand held his phone.
I didn't speak. I knew exactly what my biggest dream was, but I couldn't say it.
Not to him.
I hadn't ever said it to anyone.
"Mine was just to have a year." He uttered quietly, his eyes still downcast, "I've been in this job for so long and all I've ever dreamed about is one year." Shaking his head, I watched as his jaw tightened and he glanced up at me, "One full year where I don't lose a patient."
My heart, although beating erratically anyway, suddenly plummeted at his admission.
"Did one of the children die?" I asked softly, trying my hardest not to startle him from his reverie.
He took one look at his phone, nodding his head slowly as his fist clenched around it.
"Edward, I'm so sorry."
I didn't know what else to say.
I'd known him only a day, how could I ever make it better for him?
"I can go for months and I feel like a fighter, I feel like I'm going to get to the full year. It's not even for my own self worth, it's simply so I can feel like I make a difference. If I can make it to a full year, then I can make it every year. What kind of doctor am I if I can save a hundred children and still lose one?"
"An amazing doctor." I argued, my voice harsher than I intended. I lowered it softly, "Edward you're an amazing doctor."
He didn't answer. Instead, he placed his phone on the coffee table, downed the rest of his drink before placing his eyes on mine again.
"Come on then." He nodded, "What's your biggest dream."
I let out a laugh, shaking my head, "Nothing in comparison to yours. I can't say it."
"Please." Although his voice was calm, his eyes were tearing right through my soul. I saw the broken man he had become within the space of minutes, and he was begging me, "It will help distract me." He urged.
A nervous laugh escaped my lips, and I looked away from him for a long moment, "I want... I want to be amazed by the best cities in the world." My cheeks were flaming at my admission, but I wanted to distract him from his torture, "I want to stand at the top of the Empire State or the Rockefeller, and just be amazed by New York. Or go to the top of the Eiffel Tower and stare at Paris. Go on a gondola in Venice along the Grand Canal and just breathe in everything Italian... All that kind of stuff." I wrapped it up quickly, not wanting to get ahead of myself and embarrass myself even further.
I realised I had looked away from him, and when my eyes travelled back to his, he was staring at me with a slight smile.
"That's an amazing dream to have, Bella." He whispered.
"I've only ever been in two cities. Home, and New York. But I want to see it all."
"Haven't you been amazed by New York already?" His face was curious.
I smiled, "Of course. New York is the best city in the world. Every time I walk down the street I'm in awe of this city, it's brilliant. And even looking out the windows of this apartment, day or night it's a beautiful city and I can't really believe it exists... But..."
"But, what?" He sounded like he wanted me to continue.
And it felt easy to speak to him.
"I haven't gone anywhere in New York where I could be properly amazed because... Well I picture it being so overwhelming, so special and so amazing that I wouldn't be able to breathe or speak... It's exactly why I haven't gone near the Empire State or anywhere like that. I can picture being so amazed but... I haven't experienced that yet because I feel like once I do it'll-"
"All be over." He interrupted with a smile, "It'll amaze you but when it's over you'll miss the anticipation."
"Exactly." I blushed, smiling a little as I looked down, "I've contented myself with being amazed by New York day in and day out, but once I get right to top... I'll be on top of the world. I haven't been ready for that amazing experience yet. I want it to be special."
He was staring at me, and it was the exact same stare he'd given me when I walked into the apartment for the first time.
He smiled suddenly, a soft smile that seemed to send shivers up my spine.
"What are you reading?" He asked suddenly, giving a nod towards my book as if to shake himself out of a trance.
"Wuthering Heights." I answered, following his gaze towards the book in my lap, "It's my favourite."
"Lucky that one was saved then." He chuckled before letting out a long sigh, "I need to sleep." Standing up, he lifted his phone and took a quick look at me, "Goodnight Bella."
"Goodnight Edward." I replied, "I hope you feel better soon."
But he never replied.
The next morning I had woken around 8am to get ready for my 9:30 class. I got showered and changed, all the while wondering if last night had been a dream.
Packing my bag for class, I lifted all my essentials before going to the kitchen to make breakfast.
Just as I clicked the coffee maker, I heard Emmett's distinct footsteps.
"Hey." I called to him.
"Hey sis," I could hear the smile in voice, "Woah."
His change in tone made me turn to look at him.
He was standing in the middle of the living room, looking around.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Have you seen Edward this morning?"
"No? He's probably still sleeping."
Emmett's head was already shaking in a negative. He lifted the bottle, "One of his patients must have died." He sighed, "This is his expensive brandy." Smiling sadly, he put it back on the table, "He takes a drink of it every time one of the children die. I don't know what it is about him... I think he hopes to never get to the end of the bottle."
I didn't know what to say to Emmett.
My heart was breaking for Edward, and I wasn't sure if I should tell Emmett about our conversation last night.
I didn't feel like I could, or even like I should...
It seemed like our secret.
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