A/N: This is in First Person POV, first from Dean's, then later in Amara's. Please, darlings, read on.

Lyrics shall be scattered through out from various songs. They will be listed (in order) at the bottom in the A/N.


Love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken

Hallelujah

Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen.


I walked out of the bathroom to see Amara standing in front of the table in Cas's white shirt. I opened my mouth to say something, but shut it immediately. She walked over to me with a stoic expression. She stood a few feet away from me, and smiled slightly.

"Can I borrow some clothes? I don't... Have anything, obviously. Everything was... Is at the hospital." She asked, scared that I'll say I'd say no. I nodded, throwing her a band tee and a plaid shirt.

"I'm assuming you'll need some, uh, pants?" I asked, knowing the answer. She nodded, and I handed her a pair of jeans. She thanked me, and walked into the bathroom to get changed. When she walked back out, the clothes fit her like they would if they were actually her size.

"How did you...?" I trailed off, surprised by this. She laughed quietly, probably expecting my response.

"I've got special mojo, Dean. Okay? Okay." She said, walking to me and clapping a hand on my shoulder. "I'm stealing Sam's beanie, by the way."

Since when did he have a beanie? "Um, okay. Does Cas know?" She tensed when I mentioned Cas

"How the hell wouldn't he?" She said, trying to hide her anger.

"Touché." I smiled, not knowing whether I should acknowledge how she seems. When she turned away, she froze and fell to the ground, her eyes turning black. She didn't wake up though. She didn't smile. Her eyes didn't go back to the crystal blue.

I yelled for Cas, fearing something bad happened to her. He ran in, and saw Amara on the floor. He muttered something under his breath, fuming with anger.


(Amara's POV)

I let go of Dean's shoulder, turning away and walking out of the motel room. I went to the one I was staying in, and locked the door behind me. When I turned around, I saw Cas, sitting on one of the beds, his back facing me.

I felt a bit scared, though I didn't know why. When I saw his arms and hands though, I knew why.

Blood was dripping down his arms, and his hands. He was breathing deeply and shallowly through clenched teeth. I almost cried for some reason, though I didn't know.

"Castiel? What... What did you do?" I asked, scared, kneeling in front him, holding his cheeks softly with my hands. I looked at him, his eyes tightly closed. When he felt my touch, his eyes opened slowly. His breathing picked up, and he was almost hyperventilating. "Cas! Cas, relax. What... What happened to you?"

He looked down at my clothes-Dean's clothes-and then back into my eyes.

"They fit you." It was a mix of a question and a statement. I nodded.

"Mojo, Cas, mojo." I smiled, hugging him. "Now tell me what you did to yourself."

He sucked in a breath, opening his mouth to say something, but stopped himself. Was he so ashamed?

"I... I punched a mirror after you left. The one in the bathroom. You wrote the runes used for Angel Blades on it." He said, confronting me. My jaw dropped minimally. I looked down in shame. I used a clear gloss to do it, but I should've known he would have found out.

"Castiel..."

Just give me a reason. Just a little bit's enough. Just a second, we're not broken, just bent.

"Why? Why did you write them? Were you... Were you scared? Of Gabriel? Me?" He asked, the words flowing from his mouth quickly.

"I'm not... Scared of you, Castiel. I.. I..."

"It's him, isn't it?"

"No, it's not... Why would it be Crowley?"

"Not Crowley, Amara. I meant Raphael." He said somberly, his now healed hand resting on my neck. When did he heal it?

"Why would I be afraid of your superior?" I asked, still rather confused. Raphael had always been kind to Castiel, as far as I knew.

"No one talked about it?"

"Talked about what? On the 'radio'? Other than when they said that Raphael had committed a sin of some sort... Though some say it was a good thing... They've said nothing of him. Why?"

"When you were 14... And we hadn't talked for a while... I refused to tell you why, but... Now I must." He sighed, not wanting to tell me, apparently. "Raphael... killed me when I attempted to prevent him from breaking the last seal. Then the Apocalypse started because Sam killed Lilith."

I hadn't thought...

The nightmares... The visions... The angel radio turned off for a while...

"Oh my God." I whispered. "I..."

His arms were better too, I noticed that minute. I shook my head. This wasn't a dream...

His hands were on my cheeks now, and I held his upper arms. He kissed me softly, and I stood up, not pulling away. He stood too, our bodies pressed together. My hands moved to his hair, and I felt the softness run between my fingers. One hand slid to my waist, his arm snaking around it, pulling me even closer, and his other moved to the back of my neck, holding me in place.

To be honest, it felt nice.

I hadn't realized we had moved until I felt the mattress against my back and realized he was on top of me, hovering. His kisses became slower, almost teasing. Then he suddenly stopped, biting my bottom lip softly. He left a trail of kisses along my jaw, moving down to my neck, his lips slowly pressing against my skin. I got tired of him unknowingly teasing me, so I pulled his face back to mine, passionately and hungrily kissing him. My hands wandered to his chest, and fumbled while trying to unbutton his shirt. He gripped my hands tightly, yelling something at me.


I jolted upwards, sweating, shivering, and alone in the bed. I had Dean's clothes, but... What was that? It had to be a...

Oh my God. I just had a vision. I always went unconscious during my visions, and it was always Castiel grabbing my hands harshly and yelling at me that woke me up. Castiel walked inside the motel room.

And we can learn to love again

"You're finally awake." He said simply, but he sounded surprised. "After you walked out of the bathroom to change into the clothes Dean gave you," He said, pointing to my attire, "You just... Passed out. Neither one of us knew what it was but... You apparently just fell asleep."

"How long was I out?" I asked, scared. The amount of time I was out would determine how long from now what happened in my vision would occur.

"About 6 hours." He said, not bothered. But when he saw my terrified face, he quickly walked over to me. "Did you have a nightmare?"

I had trouble talking. My throat was closing. "No... I, uh, I-I-I had a-a vision... And... I was out 6 hours... It's going to happen in 6 hours." I looked at him for a moment, tears threatening to spill, before burying my face in my hands. He sat down on the edge of the bed.

"What's going to happen in 6 hours?" He asked, concerned.

"You were going to ask about the runes on the mirror..." I started, then went into the whole conversation, leaving out our... Make out session.

"What was your explanation?" He demanded. I finished everything, and he looked shocked. And slightly pissed off.

"I don't know, Castiel. I don't get it. Why would you even consider... Having an... Unholy union with me? Especially now?" I asked, not understanding that part. He looked down at his lap in shame. He murmured something but he was too quiet. "I'm sorry, Castiel?"

He looked me in the eye. "Lust, Amara. It is lust that would make me want to have sex with you." He said, loud enough so I could hear this time, but still rather quiet.

"What?" I asked in disbelief. Why the hell would anyone lust after me? He looked at me, confused.

"Did you not hear me? Must I repeat myself?" He asked, annoyed. I shook my head.

"No, I heard you, clearly, but... Why would you lust after me?" I asked, not understanding. I was normal, except for the half demon half angel.

I looked like any other girl. But all the girls my age looked prettier than me. At least, I thought so.

He was struggling with his words.

"You... You are beautiful. I... I am not sure how you don't realize that. When you had... When you were allowed out of the hospital for a few weeks, and you would go out to the mall or the park... Or the beach, I saw boys looking at you. They would attempt to flirt with you, but you ignored them, waving them off. On more than one occasion you had them looking at you, wanting you simply for your body. I..." He trailed off, looking at me. "I hated them. I hated them with every ounce I could muster, every time they looked at you. I still do, even now."

I was choking on air. I couldn't... What was I supposed to say? All I wondered my whole life was how I'd find a boyfriend, how I'd find a husband... How I'd have a child.

I always wanted a child of my own; I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to be married though, before I ever lost my virginity. Even then... We'd have to adopt.

"And I knew Gabriel did something before I left him... Now I know." He said, his typical stoic expression now in place. He stood up, backing away from me slowly. Oh, God.

"He's 'guiding you' in the relationship. He wants you to..." I didn't have heart to say it. Why?

"He's making me sin, Amara. I can't... I won't be able to control myself at some point, I don't know when." He said, his jaw a hard line.

"Please, Castiel, don't go. Please don't leave me." I said, trying to hide my sadness. No, no, no. Not now.

"I have to." He said. I could hear the hatred in his voice. He hated saying those words, I could tell.

"Castiel, please, don't leave me. If I... I can't do this, Castiel. Please, please. Don't leave me..." I begged, stepping off the bed and quickly walking towards him. I grabbed his arm tightly as he walked towards the door. He turned towards me, glaring with fuming anger.

"Why don't you want me to leave, Amara? I could hurt you. I don't want to hurt you again. I couldn't... I can't see you like that, fearing me." He said through clenched teeth, his normally bright blue eyes now a dark sapphire. I was scared slightly. I'd never seen him so angry like this. He was steaming with hatred. I struggled with words.

"I can't do it." I said quietly, my grip on his arm loosening. His jaw tightened. He closed his eyes tightly.

"What do you mean you can't do it?" He whispered. I felt a single tear drop roll down my cheek from my left eye.

"I can't do it... I can't do this without you, Castiel! You are..." I stuttered almost every word. I felt more tears stream down my face. "You're... My angel, Cas. You're my Angel."

"I am not your angel. I am many peoples' angel." He said, not understanding what I was saying. I almost screamed at him—why did he have to be so oblivious?

"You're my Angel. My Guardian. My Savior." I said, still trying to get my point across.

"What are you trying to say, Amara?" He asked, slightly calmer. I still struggled with the three words. Why did they have to be so hard to say?

They were three simple words. The whole sentence would be only eight letters. Three syllables. And I couldn't pronounce them. Only in that moment did time really feel like it passed by in a few hours.

"Amara? Amara! Answer me!" He yelled, trying to get my attention. I looked at the watch on my wrist—I stole one of Dean's.

Oh my God.

It was the time he'd try to... No, it... I checked again quickly, trying to double check that this was the time my vision occurred. It was. I may as well get it over with, huh?

"Yeah, Cas... I um... What had we been talking about?" I asked, not remembering.

"You were trying to say something to me. You called me your Savior, Angel, your Guardian. You said you couldn't do it, this, without me. You were begging me not to leave." He said slowly, enunciating each word with perfect precision. "You were having trouble saying what you wanted to say for 5 hours."

I couldn't hold it back anymore. I slowly shook my head. "I love you." I whispered, my lips crashing against his. If I knew where things were going, I may as well take the lead. He pulled away after a moment, cupping my cheeks.

"I..." He couldn't say them. I didn't—couldn't—blame him. "This happened in your vision."

"And it couldn't be any more right. Not at this moment. Please, Cas..." I whispered. He kissed me softly. I held his upper arms, and our bodies pressed together. My hands moved to his hair, and I felt the softness run between my fingers. One hand slid to my waist, his arm snaking around it, pulling me even closer, and his other moved to the back of my neck, holding me in place. Not breaking apart, he guided me to the bed, gently laying me onto the mattress. He slipped his trench coat and suit jacket off, kicking his shoes off at the same time. His kisses, like mine, were now less soft and more passionate and hungry.

My hands shakily moved to his chest, my fingers having trouble with the buttons. After a few minutes, I had finally undone all the buttons. I ran my hands across his collarbones, down his chest, and down his abdomen, feeling the strong muscle beneath the pads of my fingers. One of his hands moved to my hair, his fingers knotting the strands. His other hand moved to my hip, holding it down. His lips quickly left mine, but left a trail of kisses across my cheek, along my jaw line, and down my neck. His lips trailed across my collarbones, kissing them softly and too slowly for my liking.

His hand moved under my back, making me arch my spine. His fingers massaged the muscle near my wings.

"Oh, my God, Castiel..." I murmured, hating that he was teasing me—whether he was trying to or not—even though it felt so... Nice.


Castiel's POV

I could not stop myself. I had to, but I had no way of knowing how I could.

Hearing her say my name the way she did... It made my stomach feel as though there were insects flying in it. It felt strange, mind you, but it felt... Amazing.

But I could not keep this up. No matter what she said or what I felt, I had to make positive she was pure before she married. It was her wish, and I had to keep it. I promised I would.

I rose, no longer hovering over her. She was panting, her breathing heavy and rapid.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, her voice shallow. She swallowed some air, almost sounding as if she choked on it. I gazed at her, confused.

"Why are you sorry?" I asked, looking down at my unbuttoned shirt. While I was buttoning it up, she propped herself on her elbows, catching her breath still.

"I... I was pushing you. You've said before you didn't want to do this and... I pushed you to it. God, even I wasn't ready but... I just... I don't know, Cas. I shouldn't have made you." She said, all too quickly. If today were Sunday, I may have thought she was doing Confession. But she wasn't Catholic, as far as I knew. I just stared t her, unblinking, not knowing how to react.

She hadn't been pushing me. I thought I was pushing her. We must have been pushing each other.

I needed to keep my distance. But she told me that she can't do this—whatever this is—and she told me so many things she kept secret.

I couldn't emotionally pain her, but I needed to leave.

I looked at her, already wanting forgiveness for what I was about to do.

"I'm sorry." I murmured, putting two fingers to her forehead, making her sleep. I left then, teleporting to the location of Sam Winchester.


Third Person

Castiel looked around the clearing for Sam, but to no avail, the younger Winchester was nowhere to be found. Just before he left, he heard a gunshot. He turned quickly to see an injured Sam falling to the ground. Cas walked over, and found a stranger holding a gun, pointing it towards Sam. The hunter was laying on his back against the dirt, blood seeping through his shirt. The angel looked at the bullet hold in Sam's stomach, then at the person who injured Sam.

"Who are you?" Cas asked, his tone making it clear he was going to get what he wanted. The woman glanced at him, her eyes wide with fear.

"I-I-I'm Samantha." She stuttered, dropping the gun. "I didn't want to do this, I swear, but..."

"But what?" Castiel demanded.

"He told me he'd kill everyone I loved if I didn't." She whispered, looking around the trio as if assessing that they were alone. Cas's eyes widened.

"Who told you that?" He asked, hoping it wasn't who he thought it was.

"Someone named Zachariah. I'm not allowed to kill him, though. I can only put him in pain. I don't want to." She sobbed, dropping the gun and falling to her knees. After a moment, she stopped crying and picked the gun up once again. Castiel didn't know what she was about to do. She looked at him, smiling sadly, shrugging. She locked the gun. "But he'll kill them anyway, won't he? He'll kill everyone I love. They always do. They say they won't hurt anybody, but as soon as you turn your back to do as they said, your friends and family are dead."

She pointed the gun at the side of her head, pulling the trigger. After she fell, Sam spoke for the first time.

"Why would Zachariah want this done to me?" He asked weakly, delicately laying a visibly shaking hand on the bullet wound. Castiel bent down, moving Sam's hand and putting his over the wound instead, healing it. He looked at Sam with a stoic expression.

Without a word, he stood, leaving the healed hunter on the ground still. Sam stood up quickly, stumbling, and jogged over to the angel. The angel didn't stop walking. In fact, he completely ignored him.

"Cas? Hey, Cas. Come on, answer." Sam asked, walking by Cas's side.

"Sam... I..." He started, looking around. "I have to go."

With the sound of flapping wings, he was gone.

Sam sighed. "Jerk."


Amara awoke to a room different from the one she'd been staying in. She tried moving her hands and arms, but they were tied together below whatever she was laying on. They ached so much. Her legs were burning, like they were on fire. Her mouth was duct-taped shut, and a small cloth was stuck indie her mouth. The room was warm—stuffy and hot, actually. She was drenched in sweat from head to toe. She opened her eyes slowly, and noticed the lighting in the room was dim.

"Ah, she awakes once more." A gruff voice said. She looked to her right to find a tall man sitting. He stood up, walking closer. He smirked when he saw a tear escape her eye. "Oh, now, darling, don't cry. I won't hurt you. Well, if you don't do as you're told... Father will punish you."

Amara screamed into the tape, though it was no use. The cloth muffled the sound. The man laughed. He walked away and turned a light on, making his appearance show. When she saw who it was, she wanted to kill him. She wanted to kill him slowly and painfully.

Castiel stood a few feet away from her, smiling like an idiot at her pain. "Now, now. I just need to see which hurts more..."

He took out an angel blade and a demon blade, deciding which to use first. He chose the angel blade, dragging it slowly across her waist, a lavender light mitting from the skin. He looked surprised, not expecting the color. He shrugged, looking at her expression.

She writhes against the metal bed, the ropes tied around her wrists starting to burn her skin. He dropped the blade, picking up the demon knife. He dragged it sideways across her ribs, blood slowly dripping out. The lavender light yet again lit her skin up.

He dug the knife slightly deeper, enjoying her pain. Tears flowed freely from her eyes now. He cackled, his voice slightly higher pitched for some reason. He ripped the duct tape off her mouth, pulling it quickly. She cried loudly, spitting the cloth out.

"Oh, no..." She whimpered, realizing what was going on. Castiel smiled creepily.

"Oh, yes." He said, licking his lips in anticipation.

"Cas..." She murmured. He laughed maniacally, his head thrown back slightly.

"Cas—Cas is.." He shrugged. "Hm, well, he's gone." He smiled. "He's dead." His voice flowed just too quick, as Amara was just able to understand his words.

"No... No, no, no! Not again!" She screamed, her throat dry and sore, her mouth aching. He smiled evilly.

"Ah..." He sighed, looking the girl up and down. His skin began to look cracked as black ink flowed across his skin, making his face look all the more frightening. He took a step towards her, placing a slow, lingering kiss on her lips. "Now this is going to fun."

She screamed again, only to have her cheek be met with a stinging sensation. "Shut up." He muttered, untying her ropes. She sat up slowly, her body feeling as though it were on fire. She looked at her body, only to see a tiny bathing suit.

She looked at him, confused and scared, not knowing what was going to happen. He looked at her lustfully.

"We run the show now." He whispered against her neck, making her shiver. She thought of all the ways to possibly kill a Leviathan. Which were none, since there was a lack of weapons in her immediate surroundings. He trailed his lips against her shoulder, and she pushed his head away. "Mm, is there a problem?" He asked, smiling wistfully.

"Yeah, yes, there is..." She stuttered, leaning away from the Leviathan slightly. He looked at her skeptically. This was her chance.

"And that would be..?" He started, prompting her to finish what she was going to say. She swallowed some air.

"You're not close enough to me." She whispered, her voice breathy. He climbed onto the uncomfortable metal bed so he hovered over her, kissing her hungrily. She reluctantly kissed him back, eager for his—hopefully—soft and gentle touch. He was rough though. When she felt him trail his hands down her waist and to her hips slowly, she braced herself for the unknown.


"Cas! Amara! Where are you guys!" Dean shouted, running over to the metal bed where Amara lay, her head lolled to the side, her hair hanging off the bed, knotted. Her body was limp, and paler than she was when they had first met. He ran to her side, starting to freak out, when Sam came up behind him.

"Dean." He said simply, making the older brother look at his sibling in fear. "Cas... The Leviathans..."

"What about them?" Dean yelled, slamming his pistol onto the metal table. The two met with a loud bang, and yet the girl didn't stir.

"I'll have to kill Cas." Sam murmured, looking at Amara. Her body was barely covered, other than the thin cloth that covered her chest and lower hip areas.

"And what'll we say to her?" Dean asked, gesturing to the sleeping teen. Sam glanced at her, a soft expression upon his face.

"There was no other way." He said, still looking at her with a sad look. His eyes widened. "Wait..."

Amara coughed, hacking up a small amount of blood. She tried to lift her head, but failed. She couldn't move her body at all, she was too weak. Dean hurried to her side, trying to sit her up. Sam helped, hoeing her up. They carried her out to the Impala, and Dean put his jacket on her, hoping she'd stay somewhat warm. Sam decided that Dean should stay out here, and he'd go back into the building. The elder brother agreed, knowing he'd panic if she was out here alone with a Leviathan on the loose.

He ran a hand through his hair, looking in the rearview mirror to see her. She smiled weakly, her eyes barely cracked open as she caught him looking.

"You... Didn't have to... Stay..." She breathily said, her voice very hoarse. Just then, her eyes rolled into the back off her head, and turned pitch black. Dean didn't have any time to react before he heard a tapping on the window on the passenger's side. He jumped, looking out the window.

Castiel stood there, blood spattered across his faces and his clothes. He opened the door, and Dean pointed the pistol at him.

The angel backed away, putting his hands up in defense. Dean stepped out of the car, still aiming the gun at him. The hunter's breaths were heavy and rapid. Castiel looked into the window of the Impala, and saw Amara laying there, seemingly on the verge of death. He fell to his knees, slamming a fist into the ground. Dean lowered the gun, but kept his finger on the trigger.

"You see her, don't you? How the hell can you do this to her?" He yelled, throwing the gun into the ground, furious. "Cas, she's almost dead because of you!"

Castiel let out a strangled sob, slamming his fist into the ground repeatedly. He looked up at the night sky, a tear escaping his eye.

"Do you see her? What are you going to say to her, Cas? Because when she wakes up—if she even fucking survives—she'll remember everything, won't she? You have a hell of a lot of blood on your hands, and you might not regret any of it... But if she dies, that blood is on your hands. Do you think you'd be able to stand it, Cas? Huh? Because, in the state you're in right now, I don't think you would be." Dean fumed, his anger boiling. He picked the angel up by his collar, pulling him close, and slammed him against the wall. "And I swear to God, if she dies..."

Cas's breathing was shaky, shallow and heavy. "You'll kill me, won't you?" He asked, planning on it happening.

Dean nodded, after hesitating a moment. "But, unlike you, I won't make it painful. I'll make it quick."

Castiel nodded, believing the punishment would suffice if Amara didn't survive.

The hunter walked to the Impala, climbing in. Sam walked out minutes later, an angel blade in his hand. Castiel looked at Sam, shocked and hurt. The younger Winchester gave Cas a dirty look, stepping into the Impala. The brothers drove off, back to the motel.

Castiel teleported to Bobby's home, and walked inside, scaring Bobby.

"Bobby, I need you to do something for me." Cas said, walking over to him.

"What'cha need, boy?" Bobby asked, sitting on the couch. Castiel looked at him sadly.

"I need you to tell Sam and Dean that Amara can't be near me. Not for a while." He said, casting his gaze to the floor. A single tear splashed to the floor.

"Who's Amara?" Bobby asked, not having heard the name before.

"My... She's, uh, the one I..." He stuttered, still having trouble saying the simple words. "She's the, uh, girl I, um... She's the girl I love."

Bobby frowned, giving Castiel an empathetic look. "I'll tell 'em. Are they mad or something?"

Castiel looked back up at the older hunter. "Let's just say she's on the verge of death right now." He murmured.

Bobby now looked confused. "Why?"

Castiel took a deep, shaky breath before saying the three words. "Because of me."

With the sound of flapping wings, he was gone, and Bobby took his phone out, dialing Dean's number.

"Hello?" Dean answered, making Bobby sigh.

"Dean... Cas wanted me to tell you to keep Amara away from him." He said, his voice laced with regret and sadness.

"And we'll do that. Hey, Bobby, I gotta go. Call in the morning, okay?" Dean replied, his jaw clenching. "Bye."

"Bye."

That was the last time Amara saw Castiel for 4 weeks. She never woke up, but the Winchesters kept hoping she would. For hers and Castiel's sakes.

She slowly grew paler. The color of her hair dulled, the strands damaged and breaking. Her smooth skin was now a little rougher from the lack of natural oils. Her skin felt colder with each day. Her lips were now cracked and dry. The only sign of life she had was the fact that her eyes were still pitch black.

Her pulse grew slower and weaker with each day, eventually completely diminished within 2 weeks.

The two brothers faced the truth—she wasn't going to survive.

And she didn't even get to say what she wanted to say to the Winchesters and her Savior, Castiel.


A/N: Okay, tell me how much you hate me. I need to know.

The only lyrics in the chapter were from 'Just Give Me A Reason' By P!nk and Nate Ruess.

Trust me, this isn't the end though. How could it? Not enough fluff for me, tbh.
I hope this is good for now... It's nearly 2X as long as my usual chapter.
I love you guys!

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