It was supposed to be such a good day. And it started good enough too. Group game night at Jin's place meant lots of delicious food, staying out super late because everyone's parents loved Jin and some weak alcohol because Namjoon was a cool dad since before he was born and he chose all of Jungkook's friends to be his adoptive children. If that wasn't good enough, my friendship with Yoongi was...good. Not quite the same but it was coming back to normal. He was talking to me and we just pretended nothing happened. We were all laughing, playing Taboo and teasing Namjoon for his horrible attempts at explaning 'joke' to us by actually telling jokes. Even Jin couldn't get that one right.

"Okay, Yoongi, you're next" Jin anounced. Yoongi stood up and took a card from the pile.

He stared at it for a second, scratched his head and finally looked up at Hoseok who was already visibly excited, squirming in his seat. "What we did about an hour ago in the garden. A verb."

Hobi jumped at that. "Kissing!" Yoongi shook his head."Smooching! Snogging! Making out! Buttgrabbing, handholding, groping! "Yoongi's hand started to progressively cover more and more of his face while I stared at him in shock. Hobi, on the other hand, was running out of ideas."Lip banging!"

Yoongi looked up at that. "Do you really think 'lip banging' would be on the card?" he asked, incredulously.

Hoseok threw his hands in the air. "I don't know! Throw me a bone here! Oh! BONING!"

Jin interrupted with an unsteady voice. "You were doing WHAT in my garden?"

Yoongi paled. "Nononono, we weren't…! We were SMOKING," He turned around his card and then threw it at laughing Hobi. "Goddamnit, Hoseok."

I let out a breath. Hobi was joking, of course he was just joking. Yoongi would never make out with him, they were best friends, you dont make out with a friend! Except that one time but nope, not thinking about it.

"What?" Hobi threw a pillow a at him. "I was only lying about the last one. "He added with a wink and Yoongi rolled his eyes and sat next to him.

….WHAT?

" WHAT?" I repeated out loud. Everyone's eyes snapped to me, including Yoongi's. Fortunately, I was not the only one surprised.

"Okay, I second that notion, "Jungkook raised his hand. "Since when are you… " He moved a finger pointing between them. " ...a thing? Actually, what are you two is my follow up question."

I kept my eyes on them but they were no longer looking at me. Yoongi seemed as if he wanted to be anywhere but here but Hobi showed no sign of discomfort.

"There's nothing really to tell… but after Hobi's birthday party we got talking…one thing led to another… "

" ...and my birthday wish came true." Hoseok finished in a melodramatic tone kissing him on the cheek.

Pause. Then Jungkook spoke again. "So you blew his candle?"

Taehyung groaned, Hobi stood up to high five Kookie, Namjoon snickered and Jin hid his face in his hands.

"Yeah, I'm going for a smoke." Yoongi said and left for the garden. After a short time of hesitation I decided to follow.

Yoongi was already smoking by the time I caught up to him. I closed the door and hoped no one will try to interrupt. As per usual, I had no idea what I was going to say.

"So you and Hobi, huh?" He let it hang in the air for a short moment before he nodded. He wasn't going to make it easier for me. "Why didn't you say anything?" I asked, maybe a bit too aggressively for a friendly question.

He shrugged. He took a drag on the cigarette and exhaled slowly. "There was nothing to say. It's not a big deal."

"Yeah, probably. "I laughed, humorlessly. " I mean, it's Hoe-bi, it's probably not just you that he's fucking " I said, cuttingly, before I could stop myself.

This at least caused him to stop smoking and look at me, jaw clenched, muscles tense. "Not that it's any of your business but it's more than fucking."

"With him ? "I snorted. " I saw the state you were in during that party. He apparently made a move on you when you were wasted. A foundation for a beautiful relationship" I shot back.

"It was AFTER the party" He shoved me.

"So he waited until you had a hangover and were barely able to think? How chivalrous of him"

"What? "He asked as if I was being ridiculous. Okay, so maybe I was. " No... "He decided. "I don't need to explain myself to you. What is it to you anyway? Why do you care so much?"

"I… I just think you deserve better than that."

He laughed at that. An ugly, bitter laugh. "You know? That's so rich coming from you . So who do I deserve? "He challenged taking a couple of steps towards me. "You?"

Me?

No, much better than that. Cause that's what it all boiled down to. That's why I panicked. Yoongi was someone I could fantasize about, someone I could admire and be friends with but nothing more. He was still in High School yet he already had a career, he had top grades without any effort, he was a popular kid even though he didn't care about it, people gravitated towards him, he even already knew he was going to get into his dream college. He was fated to be successful. Everything just fell into place in his life because he was Yoongi. I had a crush on him since I first saw him on a school corridor. Back then even knowing him was inaccessible. I was invisible, painfully average. But then Jungkook and Taehyung started to dance around each other and suddenly everywhere Jungkook went he invited Tae and everywhere Tae went he invited me. So I silently slipped in and became a fixture in this little group and most of all, I became Yoongi's friend. But I knew, I knew nothing more could happen because then he would see all of my flaws. He would notice I'm not as funny as Hobi or as witty as Jungkook, I never even had as much in common with him as Namjoon. I'm barely good enough to be his friend. What could I offer him in a relationship? He would get bored with me within a week.

I rather not have you at all than lose you.

Yoongi was staring at me expectantly, waiting for my reply. After a moment he looked away. It seemed whatever he found in my face was enough of an answer. He threw away his cigarette.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." With that he went back to the house, leaving me alone in the dark.