A/N: As always, thank you all for your continued support. I really hope you guys are enjoying it! I do not own Bleach. Tite Kubo does.
Silence. How long were they just going to stand there staring at each other? Apparently, he had something to say. He made it clear enough by unapologetically swishing through her front office completely ignoring her lieutenant. On top of that, it was the first time she'd ever seen Rangiku nervous before. Even when her prodigy of a captain caught her doing everything except tending to her work, she was startled, at best, but never nervous.
Focus, Sakura.
Even in silence that seemed to transpire for eternity, there was nothing in his expression that helped her understand why he abandoned their friendship. There was simply his now classic quietude. He was as noble as she'd ever seen him; standing tall, lips in a flat line, commanding all of her attention. Her face flushed from remembering that she had not been in a room alone with him since their last meeting. She wished she knew then that they were saying goodbye.
The previous day moved along quickly for him after breakfast with his sister and his orange aneurysm. The house was quiet, almost ghostly, once they left. They learned the business that he was not ready to tell, and never returned. He figured that they were off somewhere discussing him which made his blood boil. He needed to speak to Sakura soon, or risk the bickering boy and girl accidentally running their mouths so he instructed Renji to hand out duties to Sixth Company in his absence. He was explicit that the squad members should spend as much time as possible keeping busy with matters regarding Intake.
Meeting the students, sitting in on panels and classes, and assisting with extracurricular activities would keep his division occupied for the latter part of the week easily. The young lieutenant was honored that his captain entrusted him with such responsibility, and the shadow of guilt stunted Byakuya briefly. The circumstances for leaving Renji to man over the Sixth didn't necessarily hinge on his merit. However, he allowed the ambitious redhead to stroke his own ego. It would only be a matter of time anyway before Rukia or Ichigo told him what was really going on. He wanted to break someone's neck. Anyone would do.
Once he finished voicing his expectations to his vice-captain, he closed out all other business for the day and went home. A certain twosome was still missing in action. He rolled his eyes, deciding to retire early. Sleep evaded him causing him to thrash about the bed mangling the bed covers and kicking the pillows overboard. He couldn't pinpoint what to say in his head. Every time he attempted to rehearse the words, he became frustrated and tried again to sleep and, perchance, dream about how to ask not only for her forgiveness, but for her hand. Rest never came. When the morning arrived, he wiped his tired eyes, and decided against shattering the bedroom mirror after taking a look at himself. He dismissed his attendants not wanting them to see him so undone, and was left alone to get ready for the day. The night had not been kind. He noted his red eyes and dull skin. To his horror, his hair that never tangled was a knotted mess. After dropping and breaking two kenseikan rendering them unwearable, he nearly turned the room upside down before accepting that he didn't have any extra ones. It felt unnatural to wear just the three lining the top of his head but they would have to do. When did he become so high maintenance? His father wore one, lone kenseikan without the slightest problem with it.
He fidgeted as he tried to secure his clothing with a sash. It wasn't working. He'd only dressed himself a couple of times in his life. It was always a dreadful experience. After trying to catch one end of the sash with his free hand, and dropping the secured end with the other hand, he threw his clothing across the room. Falling back onto the bed, he drew in a deep breath, trying to calm down. After imperfectly robing himself, he fumbled around the house, grabbing something quick to eat. There was no morning brawl over the menu. The halls were as quiet as a church mouse. At long last, the moment arrived when he could have peace after months of their clamor, and he couldn't even enjoy it. How dare they stay out all night and not bother to even come home before breakfast?
Perhaps I would make a good father.
Finally, he made it to her office and finally, after too long, he stood before her taking her in; her dark eyes, a mixture of the deepest blue and black, the pieces of armor she wore as opposed to a shihakushō, the black pleated skirt that rested just above her knees, tall boots, the crimson engraving of the Seventh Company insignia on her breastplate along with the Tsukōji crest, and her clean, almond-shaped nails on fingers that somehow, despite battle, maintained the delicacy he loved in their youth. Her hair was pulled up as she usually wore it at work, and he wondered if it was still long or if she'd cut it for ease in combat. She looked like a knight and too masculine, many of the older noblewomen argued, but it was just the armor. The little skin she exposed was creamy and flawless, and his hands ached to scale its softness. He frowned at the resurfacing of feelings he'd tried desperately to keep at bay.
She abandoned hope long ago that they would make amends. As much as she wanted to blame him, she blamed herself for not forcing him to acknowledge her. Sometimes she wondered how different things would be if she'd called him out, but it was the pain that hit him back to back that restrained her. His father's death, Hisana's death, and finally, his grandfather's. He didn't need her burdening him with a friendship that was over, but she still wanted to know why.
After drawing a long breath, he took up moving around her office, still searching for the words to say. It was a nice distraction. Not once had he seen it during all of her years as a captain. There were pictures of her with her subordinates and other officers. They were happy photos. Historical artifacts lined the left wall of the room. He found horns and teeth from hollows that had to have been severed before the unclean spirits received the final blow of a zanpakutō. He spotted a bar cart and noticed, among the many items on it, an ornate, black cast iron tea set with her initials. Her family was a famous dealer of tea leaves, pots, and sets. Once allowing himself to breathe and relax, he noticed that the office smelled of jasmine and sandalwood. It put him at ease. He was so at peace that he almost forgot why he was there until he heard the sound of her gauntlets clanging against each other.
"Would you like some tea?" she asked, removing the rest of the metal protecting her arms.
He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. She pointed to the chair in front of her desk prompting him to have a seat as she prepared their tea. She pulled a handful of leaves and using a knife and mortar, she cut and ground them into a fine powder. Her knuckles whitened from the work, but she wore the most diligent look on her face. Ever the perfectionist. A small smile found him. After sifting the powder, she halved it into two cups, and poured hot water into both. She placed their drinks on the desk and sat down. After a few sips, he nodded his approval. She stared into the cup as she released a heavy sigh.
"What do you want, Byakuya?"
A flurry of emotions danced in her heart. She was shocked that he even came to her. Nostalgia surged as he brought with him many of her most fond memories as well as her painful ones. He was gorgeous to the point of distraction which almost made her forget the magnitude of the moment.
The Women's Shinigami Association's "captain the ladies would most like a photobook of" was an honor bestowed on him for good reason. He was the boy that used to make her blush whenever she felt his spiritual pressure arriving to her family's estate. He could undo her with just a glance. She thought it was unfortunate that he still appeared to have that power. She noticed he didn't wear his scarf. Also, his robe was a bit loose, exposing his collarbones and a portion of his chest. The summer sun had given him a bronzy hue and his muscles were tight and smooth. After banishing her appreciation for his form, she allowed her frustration to return. He'd come into her office, frightening her hard-working lieutenant with his arrogance and entitlement. She wanted to let him have it, but it was useless. He had been a pompous jerk for the last half-century yet she was unsuccessful in mustering any real anger towards him.
Her dispassionate demand to know the meaning of his presence cut him swiftly. He couldn't detect any other feelings from her but indifference. He thought that since she hadn't refused him entirely, and even made him tea meant that she was not angry, but she made it hard to tell. The nervousness that plagued him the entire night resurfaced. However, he had stalled long enough.
"Do you remember when I cheated in that race for the spicy edamame?" he asked.
Her hand twitched as she let go of her teacup and placed it back onto the desk. A wave of vulnerability washed over her, prompting her to reach for her armor. Once she clicked the couter and vambrace into place on her left arm, she thought of how to approach his out-of-the-blue query. Truthfully, it was difficult to eat edamame or spicy things again without remembering that day.
"I remember," she confirmed.
He expected more of a response but accepted her answer. They locked eyes and he attempted to, once more, decipher her. She maintained a tepid demeanor.
"Do you remember when I stayed behind and decided not to enroll in the Shinigami Academy with you?"
It hurt but she soldiered on. Even if he placed his dreams on hold, she owed it to herself to maintain her own identity. She tried her best to instill the importance of remaining true to oneself into her squad members, especially the ladies. The Soul Society was quite progressive compared to civilizations she witnessed in the World of the Living, but there were still so many flaws. Women could hold high-ranking positions and were respected for the most part, but there was an incredible amount of sexism, and despite her efforts and the decline in number, there were still rape cases that found her desk each semester. For many reasons, she admired women of the Rukongai. Their independence and fortitude intrigued her. In the nobility, women were mostly seen as the property of their fathers and husbands. She would never apologize for relentlessly combatting such backwards thinking.
"I remember," she said again.
There was talk among the servants that his temper disappointed his grandfather. Tumbling into the demanding coursework involved with becoming a Shinigami would only deter him from his goal. His clan was his chief priority and he wanted Ginrei's approval beyond the shadow of a doubt. She assured him repeatedly that he was ready and that his temper never got in the way of him fulfilling his duties. He argued how collected his grandfather and her father were, and that he was not fit to lead if he could not attain their level of restraint. It was the quality that gave leaders their longevity, he believed. She countered that it was due to their years of experience that they even had restraint to begin with, but he did not have the luxury of time. Ginrei was getting too old and there was no one to take control except for him. Seeing it was an unavoidable undertaking, she respected his decision, but let him know that she was moving forward with her enrollment. A crossroads lay before them.
"Do you remember when you graduated from the Academy?"
It was pointless because she would never forget anything with even a loose connection to him and their past. She carried him in her heart and no amount of time or distance could change that. She stared at him with eyes that begged him to cease his questioning.
"I remember all of those things and you know that I do so what is the meaning of this?" she caught the breath she'd been holding, and cursed herself for raising her voice.
Over the years, he was adamant about pushing her out of his mind. When their paths diverged, they strayed so far from each other that he forgot how to get back to her so he filled his life with other things that eventually left his heart weary and burdened. On the way to her, he recalled their happy times and forced himself to face the sad ones and ultimately, his role in all of it.
"I remember that I made you cry after that race. I remember that you cried when I told you I didn't feel ready to enroll and I remember that you cried as you gave your speech at the graduation."
She closed her eyes tightly. He was there. She dreaded her graduation ceremony because the night before, her father announced that Byakuya had been secretly married. The news came down on her like a collapsed building because not only had they drifted apart, but he had now kept the most significant decision of his life from her. She questioned if she ever meant anything to him. As she walked the stage to address the other students and hopefully, leave a legacy behind that would strengthen the Academy, she searched the crowd for his reiatsu. She just wanted him to be there for her biggest moment even though he hadn't allowed her to partake in his. He wasn't there. For a moment, it was as if she sensed him, but she believed it was merely her imagination and desire.
"You… were there?"
Her voice was soft and free like a weight had been lifted.
Hisana left for the Rukongai a few days after they were married. She wanted to find the baby sister that she abandoned. Byakuya had to order her maidservants to wait on her after the head servant, an old woman very much established in her ways, refused to attend to a "peasant." The disrespectful treatment didn't end there. In the eyes of the ladies of the house, he was confused and under the spell of the common woman's witchcraft. They were fixated on finding devious and hurtful ways to make her feel as if she didn't belong in his world. He let her leave without putting up a fight or voicing his concern for her welfare because he knew that she needed to get away from the manor where she constantly endured insults and being watched. His marriage quickly spread around the nobility and the Seireitei, and he knew that things were going to get worse before they improved.
After seeing Hisana off, his grandfather reminded him that Sakura was graduating and that nothing would make her happier than seeing him. He didn't know if that was the truth. The days leading up to the graduation frittered away on the calendar, making his heart heavy. He was married and he was certain, by now, that she'd heard about it, just not from him. He couldn't face her and ruin her special day so he attended the ceremony incognito. He saw instructors gush over her. He remembered the first and only time the Head Captain shed tears. She spoke about integrity, true strength, and defying odds to a room full of people that hung on every word.
"It's true that I am of noble blood," she said. "But that does not give me the right to look down on others. If anything, my shoulders bear a greater burden to be kind and bless others for I do not know the hardships they've endured. That's the kind of solider of the Gotei I want to be. I want to protect the defenseless and I want to be a voice for those that are not heard."
The audience stood with perfect timing in a standing ovation and he watched as many attendees wiped their eyes. Captain Ukitake rushed to her and hugged her tightly. The seasoned captain went out of his way to encourage new soul reapers but was especially fond of Sakura who was not opposed to work beneath a woman of her stature. Byakuya wanted to pummel the white-haired man as Jūshirō lifted her off the ground, wrapping her in a tight hug. Though she was a graduate and one of the captain's favorite pupils, she was still a lady of the nobility, not a ragdoll. Her father, enveloped in pride as he witnessed the respect she garnered from her superiors, looked on smiling, dissipating Byakuya's rage. They were all just proud of her and couldn't help expressing it while he merely watched from a distance.
"I was there, Sakura. There are three times in my life that I know I have made you cry. I am ashamed of it. I am ashamed of many things that I have done, but it's the thing that I have not done that has kept me awake at night, and followed me around every day that I walk the Seireitei and feel you near. I should not have abandoned you. I'm sorry."
She used to go over what it would be like to talk to him again. What would they say to each other? Would the meeting be awkward? Would either of them still care? She used to believe that time only strengthened bonds. One day, she stopped clinging to her childish fantasies. It was her daily prayer for so long that the gap separating them would close, but finally, she accepted their fate. Now, all of that resolve, he challenged, making her feel suffocated. In more than fifty years he hadn't even looked her way. She moved from her desk, trying to remain calm. Once she put enough of a functional distance between them, she spoke.
"Why?" she asked with clenched fists, her back to him, and her head hanging.
He stood up and approached her cautiously. Her reiatsu began to spill out raggedly. He exerted his own spiritual pressure towards her and their souls met. She slowly subsided and allowed his energy to wrap itself around her. He still felt the same, his aura cool and gentle against her skin like the first blossoms of early spring.
"Do you think it upset me that you got married? I have only ever wanted your happiness. I was upset that you didn't tell me. We used to talk about everything. When Hisana died, I just– I wanted to check on you. I wanted to be there for you but I couldn't reach you. I couldn't feel you anymore. I couldn't figure out what I did to make you hate me so much."
For the first time in many years, he felt like weeping. Perhaps tears would wash away the shame he felt or maybe they could erase the way he hurt her. Maybe they could wear down everything that built a wall between them.
"Never," he said, almost suffering a break in his voice. "It was never that. I just thought that you felt betrayed and upset by my decision."
If it hadn't broken her heart, she would have laughed. Their entire adult lives disjoined over something so fragile and trivial. They were just as silly as the humans, she supposed. She didn't expect for him to wait on her. She knew that when they went on their separate journeys, fate would begin to unravel its plans for their individual lives. She just believed that they would always be a part of each other's lives.
"You dummy," she shook her head. "Instead of telling me you had fallen in love and were getting married, you made up some ridiculous story that I would be upset with you? Good job, Kuchiki. You managed to piss me off by trying to avoid pissing me off."
He sighed and remembered her father's words about her harboring no ill will towards him. Life was simply a series of choices. It had been difficult for him to stop regretting the ones he made. He frowned at her crude choice of words. They reminded him too much of Ichigo.
"Watch your language, young lady," he warned.
She cocked her head to the side and waited for him to let her know that he was just joking. When he remained still and serious, she laughed lightly. His frown worsened, and he cleared his throat.
"I fail to see the humor," he said.
She smiled. He was still the same. He still moved her in and out of a symphony of emotions effortlessly. She closed the space between them and leaned in to take a good look at him. He inclined his eyes downward to accommodate their height difference, and stepped back as only a few inches stood between them.
"So who dressed you this morning? A toddler?" she asked. "There are knots in your hair. You are missing your scarf, and if you move another step, my Lord Byakuya, that sash is going to give way and we'll have a scandal in the Soul Society."
She continued to observe him, something also seemed strange about his head. He looked off balance. She covered her mouth to smother her laughter. The red flush that dispersed from the center of his face to his ears left him without words. He pulled the haori across the front of his body and folded his arms. Her laughter was sweet, bubbling with relief.
"Byakuya… thank you for apologizing," her voice grew soft, not losing its seriousness. "I never blamed you. I was never angry. I just… missed you," she said.
He smiled again, resisting the urge to embrace her. He had thought about little except the prospect of her forgiveness for quite a while. He didn't realize how much he needed it. Silence fell on them again. She peeked past him and rolled her eyes at the stack of files on her desk. She enlisted his help in looking at student profiles to get an initial feel for the squad each of them would best be suited for. They worked quietly and he drew a red circle around one profile mentally noting, Renji's replacement.
He enjoyed the rhythm between them, but remembered that he had not covered all of the details surrounding his visit. He organized the files he worked on, put them aside, and looked at her. She was engrossed in scribbling notes and making many faces at what she read.
"Sakura, the elders and advisors of my clan are asking me to produce an heir, and I have been contracted to marry again."
She accidentally circled the wrong student's profile picture and suffered a pain in her chest as her heart pounded. She looked away from her work to notice that he wore a bit of nervousness on his face. Years ago, he failed to tell her that he was going to be married, and now the decision had been made again. All she wanted then was for him to talk to her, and she wondered how she would have responded. Now, words failed her. So many questions buzzed in her head, but couldn't escape her mouth.
"I knew this day would come," she finally said with an air of nobility that stirred even him. "As the head of the Kuchiki clan, you are obligated to pass on its name. I understand the elders' insistence. I also understand that you might be resistant. You married Hisana because you loved her. It was not a contract."
He sighed. The room felt hot and he removed his haori after verifying that he would not suffer a mortifying wardrobe malfunction. He refreshed his cup with hot water. He didn't know how to say what needed to be said. He had apologized to her and she accepted. It was supposed to be the most difficult part of facing her again, but it seemed like a walk in the park compared to proposing. She watched him move around aimlessly, and hated that she couldn't lighten his burden. As a noble, male leader he had duties that were uncompromising and could not be avoided.
"How do you feel about it all?" she asked as she pushed the paperwork to the side of her desk.
He didn't want to fail. If he was blessed with a family, he wanted to protect it. Sometimes he lacked trust in himself to do that given how he allowed things to play out with Rukia. Nevertheless, he wanted to teach his children how to stand for things in life, and how to accept responsibility for their actions. He had much experience with owning up to his faults and though it was not easy, it always rewarded him to maintain his integrity. He considered how long it took for him to do the right thing by Sakura, and didn't want such a mistake to plague the next Kuchiki leader.
"I stopped thinking about being a father quite some time ago. I just ignorantly thought that I could. Since I agreed to remarry, it is all I've thought about. That and being a husband again. I just want my child to be loved and strong. I want him to rely on me and be a man of honor and pride. As for a wife, I do not want to burden her. My advisor tells me I'm not the easiest man to deal with."
She shook her head. When did he become so melodramatic? The objective of marriage, to her, was for spouses to shoulder each other's burdens. She knew that Byakuya was strong and though he appeared to have an infinite reserve of strength, he, like anyone, needed someone to pour into him.
"I've often wondered, Byakuya," she caught his eyes. "If you constantly deposit into others, but they never give back to you, what happens when you're empty? Have you ever considered that maybe you're empty and just need to be filled again?"
"I am very sorry I couldn't return Byakuya-sama's love."
He had not stopped to think of how he focused more on what he would have to put into a marriage instead of imagining what he could get out of one. When Hisana died, and asked him to find and care for her sister, she apologized for burdening him in the wake of her impending death. When she passed on so did his dream of someone who could return his love. Sakura watched him mull over her words, and brushed his haori as she passed the chair he sat in. If remarrying gave him a partner that reduced his strain by taking some of what he carried off of his shoulders, she could think of nothing better for him.
"And besides, she would have to be an idiot to refuse being your wife," she continued. "You've got more than half of the women in the Seireitei losing it over you. I'm sure she would be proud to throw around 'Lady Kuchiki' as a title," she laughed, hoping to lighten the mood.
The faintest pink dusted his cheeks and she slapped herself in the middle of the forehead. Her objective wasn't to disconcert him. She joined her hands together and bowed deeply, face heated with shame. There he was apologizing to her finally, and confiding his fears, and she was making jokes. She continued to mutter how sorry she was, and bow. He walked over to her and placed a hand atop her head. She flinched from the contact.
He moved his hand to rest on her shoulder and she felt a rush of heat on the back of her neck. Their reunion was beginning to drain her as he continued to strum different strings within her, causing her to experience a rollercoaster of feelings. She stepped aside and his hand fell away from her. She attempted to retreat but he blocked her. She refused to look up to him. A million curses choked her. Why is he so close? Why does it bother me so much? What the hell is he doing? She had faced countless hollows and enemies throughout her career but she was unable to face her temperamental childhood partner in crime. The entire notion was preposterous. Sakura, relax. She took another step to the side and both of his hands captured her shoulders, the clang of metal rattling her senses. He unclasped pieces of her armor, and she wanted to liquefy and ooze right out of the room. He carefully placed the items down and nodded his satisfaction.
"It is difficult to think with all of that making such a commotion," he said.
He wanted her at ease. He had no right to expect her to quickly put off the shock of them coming together after so much time, but her armor was loud and it concealed too much. He could tell she felt safe in it. Such guarding was not necessary, he thought. At least, he didn't want it to be true while she was in his presence. She held her breath again. Her fingers absently reached for the discarded metal, but he took her hand, making her stiffen.
"You –why," she stammered, snatching her hand away from him. She stopped to collect her thoughts and chided herself for being a stuttering mess. "Who the hell do you think you are, Byakuya? What? Now that I've accepted your extremely late apology you think everything is just fine again? Do not think more of yourself than you should. If I need any help with my armor, I will ask!"
Sakura fumed, scrambling to decide her next course of action. Byakuya sucked his teeth and dismissed her pitiful indignation. She had already shown her hand. Even still, he was not able to fall prey to her anger. He wondered whom she tried to fool. He crossed his arms, completely unmoved by her ranting. Such arrogance, she thought. She pointed to the door then collected his things. Shoving his captain's robe and Senbonzakura into his arms, she started pushing him out. He shifted his weight so that it was difficult for her to move him.
"Sakura, wait!" he protested. "Please accept my apology."
"I have had enough of your apologies today, Captain Kuchiki. Get out! I have work to do."
He was Captain Kuchiki again. He smirked. He slipped away from her and put his belongings down in an armchair. She put her hands on her hips and shook her head. She reached for the door handle.
"Fine. Feel free to stay if you're wanting to shirk your responsibilities for the day. I'll leave. And if you plan on lingering here, do not touch my tea. You were never that great at making it yourself and I doubt your skills have improved," she said, opening the door.
She was still quite the amusing little thing, he realized. He remembered how she would take a jab at his skills or lack whenever she was "upset." Still wearing a smirk, he found an opening.
"You aren't going to be this way if we fight once we are married, are you?" he asked.
Her grip tightened on the doorknob and she slowly turned back to him mouthing an inaudible "what?" She gently closed the door and focused her wide eyes on his calm ones. He offered the faintest smile and wondered if he'd smiled more in just the small amount of time that they talked than he had in years. Her lips quivered but couldn't offer up any words. He nodded his head slowly to help her accept what he said as he moved closer to her.
"I did not know how to feel about it at first for obvious reasons," he said. "You and I are everything except what we once were. Though now, I feel as if only seconds have elapsed since we were last together."
She attempted to steady her reiatsu that gushed forth again. She was a captain for all things holy, but she had lost control of herself like a rookie. It was despicable. He swallowed her with his energy, once more, and she wanted to hate how good he felt. He enjoyed consuming her with his power, reaching deeper and deeper.
"I was challenged to face my actions," he said, trying to restrain himself from her depths as he waited for her anxiety to dissipate. "You've always meant a great deal to me, and I know I am not nothing to you, Sakura. It has plagued me; I must admit; my thick-headedness. How could I maintain that I care but let things end between us in such a cowardly way? When I began believing that perhaps, I still possessed a part of your heart, I could accept you as my wife for you surely still possess a part of mine. Can you accept me as your husband or am I being presumptuous?"
She tried to throw her guard up as he continued pouring himself into her. The intensity of the connection made her lightheaded. Along with his words, she was stupefied. Marriage? There was a time when she imagined being his wife. She would braid a crown of flowers as they played in her families' gardens. He would carry her piggyback and they pretended they were on their honeymoon. As they entered adulthood, she joked about marrying him but keeping her surname. He stated that it was simply "out of the question." Finally, the pretending stopped. He found someone else. She told herself that only his happiness mattered.
"Forgive me if I am suffering a bit," she glanced at the bottle of sake at the bar that was suddenly very attractive. "I –," she paused. "Tell me the truth. Is this just your duty? Am I just some convenient choice because I can't think of anything worse than being an obligation to you."
His father planned an elaborate birthday party for him. He had come of age and all the noble clans were invited to celebrate the occasion. Sakura had gone away with her father on a mission in the World of the Living. It annoyed him. She wasn't a member of the Gotei nor was she a Shinigami student. His father and grandfather never even discussed Gotei business with him but she was allowed to go on missions. At this rate, she would surpass him and he'd never hear the end of her gloating.
He walked outside to find many adults drinking, laughing, and dancing gracefully. He scanned the room and found his father talking to the Tsukōji head. Immediately, he looked for Sakura. A sudden tap on his shoulder startled him. She and her father were not due back to the Soul Society for weeks. She explained that though that was true, she could not miss his birthday. She looked different, he thought. Maybe more mature. Even more beautiful.
"That trip must have been too difficult for you to handle," he shrugged his shoulders. "You look older."
Her face reddened and she slapped him on the chest for the offhand comment.
"Hello to you too, Byakuya," she hissed. "Happy birthday, you idiot."
She turned to leave. He laughed and called after her, mocking her for being so easily excitable. He was happy to have her back. When she was close, things were right again.
"As you said, it is my duty to leave a successor, but you are not my duty, Sakura. There is no one else that I would take as my wife, but I understand if you feel differently. The choice is entirely yours. I will not force it on you."
She thought of how weird her father had been acting. Sneaky old man. It'd grown easier each day to carry on as if nothing had ever manifested between her and Byakuya. In captains' meetings, they stood directly across from each other, and he always took his orders in with his eyes closed, ice encapsulating him. Even when directly questioned, he spoke with his eyes closed. He never came close to slipping up and looking at her. It tore her a part a little every time. She felt Captains Ukitake and Kyōraku's stares. If she really concentrated, she even heard a tired sigh from the Head Captain.
After so many moments built upon each other, creating the wall, between them, he so easily tore down that wall. If they could simply go back to how they were, why had they wasted so much time? But it wasn't simple. He still had her heart, but her trust was another matter entirely. Marriage was another matter entirely. With their relationship in such a fragile state, she feared that such a decision could break them once and for all.
"Byakuya, I– I,"
A hell butterfly entered through the window and found them. She extended a finger and the gentle messenger rested on it. The trial deciding the fate of her problematic freshmen was coming to a close and a sentence would be decided by a judge from Central 46 along with Head Captain Yamamoto. Her presence was requested. She groaned. If they were about to make the decision, why did she need to be there? The pomp and circumstance of her position really annoyed her at times but she thought of the students. People made mistakes. Youth was supposed to be the best time to make them. If the students' careers were going to be ruined over something she considered small in the grand scheme of things, she did want to be there. She wanted to appeal on their behalf just in case, hoping it wouldn't come to that. She nodded her receipt of the message and the butterfly left. Byakuya cursed the interruption.
"I—I have to go. A group of freshmen, scoundrels to put it more accurately, are having their fates decided as we speak," she said. "After that, I have dinner with the lieutenants to thank them for their hard work this week. We will discuss this when I return?"
He simply nodded. Though he was barely holding it together as he awaited her answer, he maintained himself. She grabbed a few items and he gathered his things as well. He reached for the door and sighed.
"Sakura," he started. "I look forward to seeing you later. I've missed you."
He left and she felt him flash away. Feeling that he was quite distant, she released the tears she was too proud to let fall while with him. She glanced at the armor that he relieved her of. It gleamed so brightly against the light, her eyes hurt.
She arrived at the hearing after collecting herself and spotted the sulking group of ruffians waiting outside of the courtroom. She shook her head and walked over to them. They righted themselves quickly, heads held high, and chests sticking out. She stood in front of the four of them all sitting on a bench. They looked at her with wide eyes like children and she could see the regret written on their faces. They were all boys from East Rukongai that had been friends since childhood. Obviously, they dreamed of forging a better path for themselves by deciding to be Soul Reapers.
"Answer me, each of you. What is the meaning of your behavior? What was your goal?" she asked.
They bowed their heads once more and she exerted her reiatsu, instilling reverence in them. They lifted their heads quickly. One boy, a frail blond with hands red from pressing them together for so long, raised a hand. She nodded, granting him the okay to speak.
"Captain, we lost a bet with another group in Class B. We know it was wrong; what we did. We just didn't want to back out and look like cowards."
Boys and their pride. She crouched down so they would not have to look up to her. She considered how to address their juvenile definition of strength before speaking.
"Listen to me, gentlemen. It is never cowardly to do the right thing and keep oneself out of potentially harmful situations. It's called integrity, and in this business, it's called staying alive. Tell me, if you were in a battle in which you considered yourself sorely outmatched, and an opportunity to retreat with your life presented itself, would you remain and die like a dog just to prove yourself? Trust your instincts the next time you are faced with a choice with an unclear answer. I've learned you cannot fail that way."
They bowed their heads again like sheep. She stood up and sighed. A clerk came outside to announce that the trial was back in session and they all entered the room. She announced her presence and sat in the very back. The Head Captain explained that their actions could have compromised sensitive information retained by Twelfth Company. He let them know that such insolence would not be tolerated, but in the end, ruled to only remove them from advanced placement studies as punishment. They were assigned to environmental health and safety training directed by Captain Kurotsuchi. Fear became them, and Sakura covered her mouth to stop from laughing. Old Man Yama had a twisted sense of humor since surely, his judgement was worse than expulsion. The boys thanked him for his graciousness and promised to prove themselves. They left quickly and returned to their dorms.
Sakura decided to walk back to her division's barracks. The more time she could waste, the better. She needed to think. Byakuya had proposed to her and it took all she had to keep herself above ground. Just accepting that they were even on speaking terms again was difficult enough. She felt like disappearing. Before she could ponder her predicament further, Rangiku was beside her. It was almost time to head to dinner. She shook her head at the irony of it all. She dreaded that damned dinner but now it could not be a more advantageous distraction. Time had slipped away from her and she was still dressed in her uniform. The lieutenant protested that she could not go to dinner dressed such a way.
"Fine, Rangiku. Let me change," she slipped back into her office and looked in her closet. Rangiku invited herself in.
"Captain, look at all of the pretty clothes! You could live in your office!"
Sakura rolled her eyes, and pulled out some items. Often, she never left the confines of her office because of her workload so it made sense to have a change of clothing or several as was the case. She opted for an outfit that she told her third seat to pick up in the World of the Living. She shimmied an emerald, floor-length dress with capped sleeves and a scoop neck on, adjusting the material underneath before looking in the mirror. Rangiku pulled a bottle of perfume that matched her mood, and borrowed some jewelry for her own outfit. Sakura didn't bother feeling offended. She knew the outgoing lieutenant would put the items to good use. Instead, she took one last look at herself, satisfied with her appearance.
They headed out to the West Gate of the Seireitei as Sakura explained she couldn't join them for any after-partying in the Rukongai. Rangiku pouted that she looked too pretty to just go out to eat, but was happy enough that the captain even agreed to attend the dinner. Tōshirō Hitsugaya passed them and scoffed.
"Rangiku, I trust that you will not drink yourself into oblivion tonight," he said.
They prattled on about whether it was okay for her to drink heavily. It was the weekend, she argued. She needed to work on kicking her habit, he spat. She asked him to join them. For the hundredth time, he refused. Sakura lost her patience. Her thoughts ran laps around her mind, and she just wanted to eat and drink something before the weight of her stress crushed her.
"Let's go quickly, Rangiku, before we are late," she interrupted. "Good night, Captain Hitsugaya."
The ladies arrived at the restaurant and everyone on the guest list had already been seated. Kyōraku chaperoned again along with Ukitake. They didn't need to draw numbers this year since the other captains were busy or not interested. Shunsui passed a sake bottle around. Ikkaku and Yumichika were there as expected although uninvited. Sakura became wooden at the sight of Renji. Does he know? She sighed heavily, trying to steady herself. Jūshirō beamed when he noticed the Seventh Division's captain. He figured if he could take time to get out and enjoy the city, anyone could. Rangiku congratulated herself and her powers of persuasion, letting the older captain know that she was the reason Sakura was there. Sakura elbowed her, and reached for the bottle in the hands of Ukitake's already inebriated co-chaperone. She hugged Jūshirō, asked him to try harder to address her as Captain Tsukōji instead of "Sakura-chan," and sat down beside him. They ordered far too many things, and discussed the first week of Intake. She poured her third drink and stared into the cup before downing it.
"Yo! What brings all of you guys here?" asked a voice she did not know.
Ichigo and Rukia opted to eat out for dinner so that Ichigo could familiarize himself with the social environment of the Seireitei. They were also still avoiding Byakuya. Rangiku explained the purpose of the gathering, and asked them to join. Sakura smirked at the lieutenant's looseness with other people's money. All manners as usual, Jūshirō asked if it was okay for the pair to join them, and she nodded after finishing another drink. Ichigo pulled out the chair next to Sakura for Rukia to sit down. Sakura took a deep breath. Rukia tried to stop herself from staring.
"Good evening, Captain Tsukōji. It's lovely to see you. You look amazing," Rukia smiled.
Another breath.
"It is wonderful to see you, Rukia. I think I've picked up your affinity for clothes from the Living World. You bring back such beautiful things," Sakura returned.
She always thought it strange that Rukia looked so much like Hisana. She suspected they were related somehow. When news of the girl's adoption reached her ears, by way of gossip, she was relieved to know that Byakuya was not alone. The young woman was exactly what he needed to loosen up again and gain renewed purpose. She also figured Rukia's new friend had something to do with it.
Ichigo picked up on the Tsukōji name and tapped Rukia's arm. She glared at him, and he sunk down into his chair. They ordered entrees. Shunsui urged Ichigo to have a drink, pointing out that it was the "Soul Society. No one would know." Ichigo swallowed a few sips and grabbed his chest. It was the first time he ever had alcohol. Rukia laughed at how much of a lightweight he was definitely going to be.
"Captain Tsukōji, I want to commend you on the great ideas you came up with this semester. I'm having a lot of fun getting to know the students and helping out," Renji said. "Especially since my captain left me in charge," he added confidently with extra emphasis intended for Rukia and Ichigo's ears.
Rukia offered a sarcastic thumbs-up and Ichigo waved off his gloating.
"Great job, buddy! Do your best! If you screw up, Byakuya is going to have your ass," the deputy soul reaper raised his cup at the redhead and sneered.
Rukia tugged Ichigo's ear, reminding him to watch his language in front of her esteemed superiors. Jushiro dismissed it. Shunsui was too drunk to care and was never really much for etiquette anyway. Yachiru banged a fist against the table repeatedly. Sakura poured another drink. She caught the attention of the waiter and inquired about the tiny girl's desserts. He assured her they would be right out. Yachiru came over to Sakura and snuggled against her arm.
"Can I have as many as I want?" she asked with excited eyes.
"As many as you can eat," Sakura confirmed.
The pink-haired lieutenant hurried back to her chair as a cart of desserts rolled out. Rukia smiled. She felt Sakura's reiatsu giving off a hint of anxiety. The alcohol she quickly disposed of probably didn't aid the unease she sensed in her. Still, she was poised and regal. She maintained perfect posture and consumed her food with feather-light dexterity and quiet mastication. Rukia did not often attend noble affairs due to lack of interest and not wanting to embarrass her brother so it was her first time witnessing the refinement that came with aristocracy from a woman.
"Eat your food, midget. You're staring," Ichigo said, casually pointing to her plate. Rukia straightened up and took one more quick glance at the Tsukōji princess as she brought a spoonful of soup to her lips. It was like a dance.
"Sakura, I got a question for you," Ichigo continued. "When I was in the Soul Society to save Rukia, I don't recall ever seeing you one time, not even when Aizen was outed as a traitor. Are you a new captain?"
Rukia turned towards him slowly. Ichigo, you fucking moron. He returned her look with one of confusion and shrugged his shoulders. A brief interlude of awe visited Sakura before she gathered her bearings. A light blush rosied her cheeks. Never had she been called by her first name by any man who did not know her well.
"Ichigo Kurosaki," Sakura addressed him. "I can finally behold the man who is the reason why I was trapped in Hell. It is a pleasure to meet you at last," she leaned over the table, looking past Rukia to see him better.
Ichigo abruptly swallowed his half-chewed food. Rukia was puzzled. Sakura narrowed her eyes at the two of them before explaining. After escaping Hell, she read several reports and watched video surveillance of the newbie Shinigami who stormed the Seireitei. His power impressed her and she wondered if she would ever meet him.
"Uh, when did I— I swear it wasn't me," he protested with a shaky grip on his chopsticks.
"Oh, it was you. I assure you," she started. "To first answer your question; no. I am not a new captain. When you valiantly broke into the Seireitei to rescue our dear Rukia, I was not in the Soul Society at the time, but away in Hell testing the effectiveness of the new Gūhatsu Jigoku no Mon, a type of gate that allows Shinigami that oversee Hell to enter. I discovered I could get into Hell with it, but not out, and because of the stir you caused, my rescue calls were ignored and I was trapped there."
Rukia cringed but was relieved that she could not sense any anger in Sakura's words. Renji burst into a fit of laughter earning a jab in the face from his childhood friend. Ichigo glanced at him with as much disgust as he could manage, then turned back to Sakura and bowed his head. He thought that this was a fine example of why people thought he was an idiot.
"There is no need to apologize," she said. "After the third call was ignored, I decided it best to just wait. Although it was not pleasant to remain there longer than necessary, I did gather important information that may be of use to the Soul Society in the future. I cannot blame you as your mission was one I fully supported. Unfortunately, I couldn't convey that to you in person. When I finally returned home, I was briefed on all the mayhem you caused, as well as Sosuke Aizen's treachery, but I soon became busy giving a report of my analysis of the new gate. By the time I finished, you and your comrades were already gone."
Ichigo voiced another apology and everyone returned to their merriment. As the hours rolled on towards the restaurant's closing, little by little, the party dwindled down. Rangiku suggested something known as "reverse happy hour," one of the many concepts the Soul Society took from the World of the Living, and took the rest of the crowd with her. Sakura moved to the bar as the waiter prepared the check. Ichigo and Rukia lingered behind.
"If you want to know if Byakuya's talked to her already, just ask her. I'm tired and a little drunk I think," Ichigo nudged her.
"Quiet, you fool! I just— I do want to know. It's just none of my business. I tried to pick up hints from her throughout the night, but she didn't give up anything."
"Maybe because it's not your business," he yawned.
He stuck his tongue out at her and she swiftly kicked him in his shin. Sakura turned to look at them and sighed. Obviously, they knew about the proposal. What other reason did they have for still being there when everyone else had already left? She felt them approaching and prepared herself to be questioned. The waiter handed her the bill. Ichigo glanced at it and thought his soul had left his body before realizing that he was already a soul. Sakura looked at him like he sprouted a second head, and handed the payment and tip to the waiter, letting him know to keep the change.
"Are— are you serious? That bill is insane!" Ichigo had lost the color in his face.
"You are a strange one, Ichigo Kurosaki," she laughed. "It is impolite to focus on such things. Besides, the total of the bill is far less than I expected. It is no matter."
Ichigo shook his head realizing that he would never understand rich people. Rukia ignored him. She was too busy struggling to find out if her brother was going to get married or not. Sakura figured there was no point in hiding anything.
"He asked me, Rukia," she confessed, relieving the seatless officer of her stress.
The young Kuchiki felt her heart skip a beat. She spent the entire evening trying to read Sakura, but was the one who had been picked apart. She desperately wanted to know the captain's answer for her brother. Sakura explained that a series of interruptions had stalled her decision.
"Forgive my being out of line, Captain, but—but do you think you'll accept my brother's proposal? I can't help but ask! I—I," her voice faltered. "Nii-sama, he –"
Sakura sat down at the bar and rubbed her temples. The effects of her drinking set in rapidly, and she tried to massage the throbbing away. Tears burned her eyes again and she held her head down. She hated to appear so weak in front of them but there was too much on her mind to care. Ichigo tugged Rukia's arm and shook his head, advising her against pressuring Sakura. He felt the concern plaguing her heart.
"You care about Byakuya, don't you?" he asked.
Sakura only nodded. Ichigo and Rukia smiled.
"I just want him to be happy. So happy," she said before steadying herself with a deep breath. "He deserves it. However, I do not know how or even if we can have happiness together the way… we used to."
She was tired, unsure, and trying to hope.
"Captain Tsukōji," Rukia started. "I think you and Nii-sama have been given a second chance. Please don't let fear get in the way."
The odd couple, that she was instantly fond of, bid her goodnight and returned to Thirteenth Company's barracks where they stayed while everything sorted itself out regarding the future of the Kuchikis. Sakura sought out Byakuya's reiatsu. He was still awake even at such a late hour. He was waiting for her. She hated to prolong things, but she still needed to think, and sober up. Everything in her little world was happening too fast. The reflection of the moon shined on the water under the Seireitei's bridge that led back to the barracks. It had a cold iridescence that strangely warmed her heart. In a few flashes, she arrived outside of the large gate fortressing the Kuchiki manor. A guardsman verified her identity with one look and immediately opened the gate. A small group of servants rushed towards her and bowed.
"Lady Tsukōji! Pardon our insolence, milady, but is something wrong? It is quite late," the guardsman asked.
She asked them to rise. They slowly came up.
"I simply need to speak with Lord Byakuya," she said.
Two men led the way and three followed after her. She took in the sight of the grounds and spied a few changes. There were many more trees. More cherry blossom trees, she realized. She smiled. Before she could register it, they stopped walking. The guardsman left her inside of the library and went to fetch Byakuya. When he arrived, he watched as she checked the titles of the books within her reach. Taken by her appearance, he observed her a while longer without making his presence known. Her hair was in a high ponytail, and straight. It is still long. Even longer, he noticed. The dress she wore complimented her skin just barely kissed by sunrays. The garment trailed a bit behind her. His breath hitched and he cleared his throat, startling her.
"I was beginning to think you were going to make me wait until tomorrow," he said.
She turned to face him with a smirk. The servants closed the door. There were thousands of books and scrolls lining the walls from the floor to the ceiling. It was always her favorite room at the manor.
"Rukia came to the restaurant where we dined this evening. She was with Kurosaki. They are quite interesting together," she said. "She looks so much like Hisana, Byakuya. Is it hard for you?"
She pulled a book and thumbed through it trying to distract herself, and he wondered if she prepared him for a refusal. He was surprised by how shaken the prospect of that left him.
"It was difficult for a long time. I could not look at her until I was ordered to apprehend her from the World of the Living. It is there that I met Ichigo Kurosaki," he explained.
Sakura nodded. Rukia also knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of Byakuya's conflicting emotions.
"He is something. I think he and Rukia enjoy a relationship similar to what we had. They understand each other very well. It was nice to witness them interact. She said you and I have been given a second chance," she moved closer to him.
He clenched his teeth. Those two could not be discreet if someone paid them to be. She knew he was annoyed and broke up the moment with her laughter. He reached for her hands. Once again, the sudden contact made her jumpy but she soon relaxed in his touch. He gently rubbed circles into her soft palms with his thumbs. Damn him for this.
"What do you think about that?" he asked.
She had almost been worn down by their distance. As much as she loved her life and relished her success and status as a captain, there was something hollow about it all. It often felt bittersweet without the one she had always shared everything with. At night, the realization of her loneliness came in waves. In the beginning, she reached out to feel his spiritual pressure, and it was as if they were in sync. She knew he also felt alone, and incredibly grieved. Trying to sleep was futile because without fail, she'd meet him in her dreams. In time, there were hundreds of ways detailing their reunion gently stored in her memory; so many different outcomes she imagined that were nothing close to reality. She thought she tucked it all away, but it was bubbling to the surface now, threatening to overwhelm her.
"I have waited to be near you like this," she confessed. "I wanted to be strong and forget you. I tried very hard, but in the end, you are a part of my soul. I never expected an apology much less a proposal but it is our fate, isn't it? The way of the nobility."
She pulled away. She hated being so vulnerable with him. It used to be as easy as breathing but now it felt like there was no air at all. He hoped that she believed him when he told her that his proposal was not because he considered her to be his duty.
"I just," she hesitated. "I have doubts and I do not think that is a good foundation for a marriage."
He vowed never to go back on his word again. One last promise made after apologizing to Rukia. He did all he could, in a way that made him comfortable and form that she could accept, to prove himself as a brother to her; someone that she could depend on and trust. He wanted to be that and more for Sakura again. It was the only way to repair what he had broken. It was the only type of husband she deserved.
"Sakura, if you are worried –"
"Please let me finish," she interrupted, turning back to him. His mouth closed quickly, amusing her. "I do not think that doubt is solid ground for a marriage, but I have never been married. I don't know that there is anything about it to be sure of, but despite everything, even still, I am sure of how much you mean to me so yes; I will marry you, Byakuya Kuchiki."
Time moved forward but destiny moved with it.
A/N: kenseikan: star insert that Byakuya wore in his hair prior to the Fullbringer arc, and again in Chapters 685-686
zanpakutō: soul cutter
gauntlet: an armored glove, as worn by a medieval knight
couter: the defense for the elbow in a piece of plate armor
vambrace: forearm guards in a suit of armor
Rukongai: Wandering Soul City; "Rukon District," English
reiatsu: spiritual pressure
haori: an outer robe. The Captain's robe, specifically, in this context.
Gūhatsu Jigoku no Mon: Contingent Gate of Hell, something I made up not previously in the series
