I've found that lately I've been on a HUGE writing kick so... updates are going good. The school year is beginning again so the rapid updates may slow to once a week or even bimonthly. Of course I'll let all of you know what to expect. For now, enjoy how much I have and how rapidly I post. :)
Thank you for your responses! It's invigorating as a writer :)
Onward...
I'm first aware of a hand running through my hair. It's someone who loves me, they know I like that, the simple gesture calms me. I open my eyes, the dim lamp illuminates the room. It's my room. Well one of them.
Esme is an interior decorator with a big house. Despite arguments and denials she's made a room for all of us in her home so we feel welcomed to stay.
At her house, my room is decorated prettily, the walls are a lovely indigo, the bed is clad in a soft blue blanket and fluffy feathered pillows. A bookshelf holds all sorts of books in varying genres. A desk with an old fashioned typewriter rests in the corner. Esme knows I want to be a writer and that I'm obsessed with vintage typewriters.
I look up, sitting on the edge of the bed is Esme. Her face looks like it's aged, she's weary and so sad. I know it's because of me.
"Oh Bella." She says, it makes my heart clench the way her voice breaks. "We're all so proud of how well you've been doing. But these are big adjustments, and you've experienced an incredibly traumatic event." Her hand drifts from my hair to my shoulder.
"You had a panic attack dear, Carlisle believes this may occur for a while. It's your body's way of handling what you've experienced." Her pretty hazel eyes mist with tears.
"We're all here for you Bella, I made everyone leave so you wouldn't be overwhelmed when you woke. But they're no doubt in the hall waiting for the okay to come in." I smile weakly as I think of them camped outside the door. When Alice got the chicken pox and we weren't allowed to see her we camped outside her door and told her stories and jokes so she wasn't lonely.
"Carlisle thinks-" She pauses and clears her throat. "We all think that you should talk to somebody Bella, it can be one of us, or a professional, anyone as long as you're talking about these emotions and memories instead of bottling them up and becoming overwhelmed."
I bite my lip and gaze up at the ceiling. Glow in the dark stars decorated the surface because I can't stand absolute darkness, more so now than ever.
"I-I guess I can do that." It's physically debilitating to recall any of it. I lose the ability to breathe and then I'm fading in a world of horror. Speaking about it will be like that. Freezing, losing power over my body, cringing and crying and screaming.
Esme leans forward and presses a kiss to my forehead.
"My Father was a very abusive man Bella." Esme says her eyes far away. They're tear filled and lost in the memories.
"He used to get so drunk and get so mad at the littlest things." She shakes her head. "Mom would try her hardest to make the best dinners, look as pretty as possible, keep the house clean, be meek. But he always found something to be angry about and then he'd beat her something awful." A tear falls down her cheek. I'm paralyzed suddenly, I've never seen Esme cry.
"I was the oldest, Liz was a tiny thing, always so afraid." She shudders and another tear falls. I sit up and hug her, she presses her face into my hair.
"Mom died, complications from internal injuries. He killed her Bella, I watched my Father beat the life from her." A sob shakes her body, I squeeze her tighter.
"It only got worse, Father turned on us, I took on my Mom's responsibilities in the house and did my best to protect Liz." I can feel her tears in my hair. I begin to cry too. I don't like seeing Mama Esme like this, in pain.
"I ended up in the hospital within months. I had all kinds of damage Bella, fractures, bruises," When Esme speaks again her voice is devoid of life. It rips me to the core.
"He kicked me so violently it took away my ability to Mother a child." I squeeze her tight and nuzzle into her shoulder sobbing with her. We cry together for several minutes.
"We were saved after that. We didn't have any family so we ended up in Foster Care, but we were lucky to find a loving home. It took many years to heal emotionally. I had horrible nightmares and depression. Liz had severe anxiety and panic attacks."
I never knew. They were so strong, beautiful, graceful, strong.
Esme pulls away and swipes a hand over her cheeks, she tenderly wipes away my tears.
"It will get better Bella. You have more support and love than you could ever ask for. We'll see you through this."
I draw in a shaky breath.
"I've told the story twice, but every now and again I remember new details. What they looked like. What the blood felt like on my hands. When I ran down the hall I stepped on Bree's hand." I shudder and sob, my chest aches with the force of my breaths.
"I can't control when it happens, when I leave get lost it's always so horrible. I was watching you all dance and then suddenly I remembered the way Mom danced around the kitchen and then just like that I was seeing her body, feeling the blood, hearing the screams…" Bree's pain filled screams. I squeeze my eyes tight and will them to go away.
Esme's eyes are laced with pain.
"Liz learned this technique to cope." She says softly. I nod my head eagerly, urging her on.
"I think you two should talk Bella, she can sympathize with these feelings, offer you advice that will remedy it. All I can tell you is what helped me was to remember that today is a new day, and that I'm surrounded by people who love me. I'd wake from a nightmare and tell myself the date, and repeat over and over the date we left my father. Then I'd find Liz curled up against me, hugging me to ease my nightmares. I'd hug her tightly and remember the love she has for me." I hug Esme close hugging her so tightly I fear I may hurt her.
"I love you Mama Esme. Mom would be happy you're looking after me, like your acting in her place, because you and my Mom are the same. You're my Mother in every way." She cries into my hair and I relish in her hug. It feels just as warm and soul comforting as Moms.
"You're my daughter Bella. You always have been. Let's not keep them waiting." I crack a smile and take a moment to take a few soothing breaths and wipe my face clean. Esme holds my hand and we open the door.
They jump up from their positions on the floor at once and I'm mauled in a massive group hug.
It's impossible to forget how loved I am with them around.
We end up making a blanket fort in Carlisle's study like we did when we were little. It's the best for blanket forts because of all the shelves to drape sheets and blankets on. The little rotating lamp projects stars on the mass of bedding overhead and I lie back and stare at it contentedly. We're all in a circle, our heads together in a mass of pillows.
"You're okay right Bella?" Alice's voice is small, scared. I'm honest when I answer.
"Sometimes I really am Alice. I'm more than okay. I feel whole and normal. It's just us being together like always and I'm so happy and carefree, and then…" I pause as I mull over what to say next.
"Then I'm not okay. I'm in that bathroom again, seeing, hearing, and feeling it all over again." I blink away tears.
"And I just get so lost, it's like it's happening all over only this time the cops will never come. It was thirty three minutes Alice. But it was the longest, most devastating thirty three minutes I've ever endured and when I remember it, it seems to go on forever."
It's extremely quiet. Edward, who's beside me, scoots closer and envelops me in a hug. Rose pats my back from behind me.
'We'll do whatever we can to make you always okay Belly." Emmett says his voice tortured. This pains him as much as it does me. He didn't live it, but it was his Mom too, his half siblings, his step Dad. It's his twin that's breaking down and I know he feels it.
"You guys already are, just by being you." Edward presses kisses to my head and nuzzles his nose into my hair, his hand runs through the tresses down my back and I suddenly feel exhausted.
"Let's sleep guys."
"Come out Bella." He growls through the door. The bright white walls feel like they're closing in on me. I clutch the lock in place and quiver.
"Please stop." I beg. He laughs. That dark chuckle that sends shivers up my spine.
"Wrong answer. who will it be first Bella? How about brother bear," I hear a grunt outside the door. My heart clenches and I know, call it the twin connection, it's Emmett.
"Last chance, come out," I'm paralyzed, and then warm sticky blood is spreading around me, between my toes, rising up to my ankles. I slip in the thick pool, it keeps rising, alarmingly so. I'm crouched in the blood, it's up to my neck, pouring down my open mouth as I scream.
Hands are all over me, shaking, grabbing. I scream and wrench, kicking out, elbowing, punching. I hear grunts and the hands disappear. I sit up in alarm.
There's not light. It's too dark. I can't see. I clutch my knees to my chest and rock back and forth in terror.
The hands, where are they? Hiding in the darkness, waiting to grab me.
Light bathes over me and I gasp in relief.
I'm in the blanket fort. I look around in alarm, my friends are kneeling around me, they're scared, they're crying. Alice has a fat lip and Jasper is nursing his jaw.
I've hurt them.
I close my eyes and press my face into my knees as I rock back and forth. I want to be anywhere but here. I can't look at them, not when it's me they're afraid of.
I can't seem to get enough air in. Each gasp does nothing to satisfy my lungs and I gasp deeper only to come up empty.
I can't stop crying either.
"Bella." It's Carlisle, I don't look at him. "Bella I'm going to give you a sedative to calm down if you can't calm down yourself." I nod urgently, I'm trying to calm down! But I can't breathe.
"I'll get the sedative dear, just give me a moment."
I'm starting to get dizzy.
He returns and I feel a prick in my neck. I flinch.
Slowly something takes hold of my body. The pressure on my chest lessens and I take a deep, nourishing breath. When I'm able to breathe deeply for several minutes I finally lift my head.
Everyone is staring down at me.
I see a mixture of emotions, sadness, worry, exhaustion, pain.
"I'm sorry." I croak miserably. "You guys should be able to sleep, and I-I" I stutter as my chest seizes with a sob. "hit you." I whisper the last part in shame.
Alice is the first to speak.
"Bella, don't you dare blame yourself! You were reliving it again, and we were all grabbing you! We should have kept our space turned on the light." I shake my head and rest my head on my knees.
"I wasn't reliving it." I breath, cringing as I recall what happened. "It was different. He found me again, this time…" I sob and throw myself up and launch myself at Emmett. He catches me and holds me close.
"It was you E-Emmett. It was you through the door and it was y-your blood." I gag and sob into his chest. He squeezes me tight, a hand combing through my hair.
"That's never going to happen Bella." He says earnest. "Because if he comes near you again, I'm going to kill him. And that's a promise." The words are said darkly, A tone I've never heard Emmett use before. It's completely serious, dead serious.
Everyone settles back down and I apologize profusely to Carlisle and Mama Esme for waking them. They insist that they're always here, no matter the hour and wish me happy dreams. We settle back into sleep. I opt to have Emmett hold me because I need to feel him. I know he's okay.
As they all drift to sleep I stare up at the pattern of stars and planets shining prettily on the blankets overhead. I'm exhausted, achy, desperate to sleep, but I don't.
I stare up at the swirling lights and I keep my mind busy. I don't want to sleep again tonight, I don't think I want to sleep ever again.
When dawn starts to break I creep from the room and go into the kitchen. MIndlessly I pull out ingredients and begin cooking. I make chocolate chip pancakes, omelets, sausage, I save the bacon for last because it will wake Emmett.
As soon as the first slice begins to brown and the kitchen begins to smells like bacon I hear him. Its the roar of a hibernating bear.
"FOOD!"
I keep frying the bacon and placing it aside. There's a mountain of food behind me on the island. Dozens of pancakes, omelets, sausage links, the pile of bacon keeps growing.
I've already got coffee brewing, and there's a apple juice and milk set out and ready.
"Are we feeding an army?" Rose teases. I don't answer, I just continue flipping and cooking the bacon. Edward gives me a hug from behind and presses a kiss to my head. I sigh in content. He holds me while I finish the bacon, and then he walks over the the island and pushes me into a seat. His eyes command me to stay seated as he fixes me a plate, then he sets it in front of me.
"Eat." He states. He doesn't move to get his own until I take a few bites of my omelet.
Carlisle and Esme come in and see us devouring mountains of food.
"It's always so nice to wake up to a houseful." Esme says with a tender smile. She and Carlisle make themselves plates and we all eat a lively breakfast.
I even do the bacon dance with Emmett. After breakfast I give all of my friends a big hug and a smile.
"Edward is your Mom home?" His brows crinkle and he nods.
"I need some alone time with Elizabeth today." I say to everyone. Esme nods a smile on her face. She's proud of me for seeking help.
"Of course Bella, text us if you need anything." Rose says. I smile and nod.
Edward gives me a tight hug and kisses me deeply until I'm breathless. His eyes sparkle with mirth and mischief.
"I don't like sharing you, even if it's my Mother. Try to hurry back to me or I might come steal you." He gives me that special crooked grin and I swear I melt.
"This is why you need siblings, you never learned to share." I tease. Edward pulls me impossibly close and I swear I hear a growl.
"I have no problem sharing Bella, it's you I want all to myself." He releases me with a mischievous grin and basically struts after Emmett to my house.
I huff and march over the Masens. Like I do with everyone, I don't knock, I walk in. Elizabeth is in the kitchen gazing out at her rose garden. She's nursing a cup of tea and looks like she's a million miles away.
"Elizabeth." I say softly. She turns to me and offers that absolutely beautiful smile.
"Bella, come sit." I squeeze into the space beside her on the window seat. It's so peaceful here in the morning. The sun is soft and warm, and Elizabeth's roses look ethereal in the light.
"I've been having panic attacks." I say softly, out of the corner of my eye I see her glance at me. I steadfastly keep my gaze on a bush with pale pink rose buds.
"Esme told me…" I don't know how to say that I know about what happened to her. Elizabeth's hand resting softly on my shoulder makes me turn.
"She called dear, we both agreed it was best you knew. So you could see that it does get better and that you're not alone." I sigh and slump forward.
"I can't help it. One minute I'm remembering a happy memory with my Mom and then I'm seeing it all over again and I'm lost." Elizabeth scoots closer and puts an arm around my shoulder.
"When I would start to panic, I would mentally ground myself. It kept me from becoming lost in a memory." I crave for the attacks to end.
"Look around the room Bella tell me five things you can see." I blink and glance around.
'Toaster, cup, coffee maker, cookie jar, fruit bowl." I say listing the things I see on the counter across from me.
When I glance at Elizabeth she's smiling encouragingly.
"Feel around Bella, tell me four things you can feel." My hands clamp down on the leather cushion of the window seat.
"Leather." I say. My hand meets the cotton material of Elizabeth's pajamas. "Cotton." The cool glass of the window behind me. "Glass." The slightly itchy frilly material of the curtain. "Lace." I open my eyes and Elizabeth instructs me once more.
"Three things you can hear." Again I close my eyes. I can hear the percolating of the coffee maker. The hum of the refrigerator, the soft sound of a door opening.
"Coffee, fridge, door." I say.
I keep my eyes closed, peaceful and calm.
"Now two things you can smell." I inhale deeply.
"Your perfume, it's like roses and…" I open my eyes. "Edward?" He's standing in front of me looking bashful.
"I missed you." He admits with a small boyish grin. My heart flips and I beam up at him.
"I missed you too." I say. He braces himself against the counter and boosts himself up. He's sitting, watching me.
"Before Edward wisks you away, impatient boy." Elizabeth teases. Edward gets all pink and bashful again. "The final thing is to find something in this room you can taste." I blush because the first thing I think is Edward's lips. But I don't tell her that.
"Cinnamon." I say eyeing her cinnamon roll. She nods her head and grins.
"That's it Bella, you've immersed yourself in your surroundings." I feel like I'm more grounded here in this kitchen than I've ever been before. Tearfully I embrace Elizabeth tightly.
"Thank you." I breath. She pats my back.
"It's nothing dear. We just want to see you overcome this." I turn to Edward who's watching us with soft eyes.
"Okay Edward I'm all yours now." His eyes get really bright and sparkly and he grins animatedly. He hops off the counter and grabs my hand and pulls me up. I shriek when after I rise, Edward lifts me bridal style. Elizabeth laughs delightedly as Edward carries me away.
"Where are we going?" I ask. Edward's eyes shine brightly and he shakes his head down at me. I quickly realize that we're heading for his room.
As soon as we enter I'm airborne, shrieking until I land with an oomph on his bed. He stands at the foot of the bed gazing down at me. Subconsciously I pull down my too small shirt where it's ridden up.
"This is the first time I've had you as my girlfriend on my bed." I gasp at his words and my cheeks flame with heat.
His eyes are dark and he has that look again, the one he had last night. His eyes are roving over my body, resting on my breasts. I'm breathless when I realize it's attraction. He's attracted to me. Edward slowly crawls onto the bed, and comes to rest beside me. His upper body leans over mine as he leans forward and presses his lips to mine. For the first time our lips don't just merely press together. They move, his bottom lip is plump and I can't resist biting it. Edward gasps and I take advantage and suck it. He groans and I hum at the sound.
My body is doing strange things. It's tingling, and everything feels warm, and a weird heated ache makes me rub my thighs together.
One of Edward's hands is resting beside my head supporting his weight the other comes to rest on my waist, thumbs needing me gently. A breathy gasp escapes me at the feeling. Edward's kisses become harder, more passionate, I turn my head to the side and gasp for air. Damn my need to breath. Edward presses his lips against my neck and I jerk slightly at the feeling it's ticklish, but when his kiss becomes a hot open mouthed one, I moan. It feels so good.
Edward pulls back looking flushed and breathing heavily. I'm sprawled out heaving for breath. We both stare at each other.
"Jesus Bella, you're so beautiful." I blush at his words.
"Especially when you get all pink." I sit up and pull my shirt down.
"We should probably go do… something else." Edward grits his teeth and his jaw hardens.
"Can I have a moment." His ears a turning pink and he's refusing to meet my eye.
"Uh- okay. I"ll be downstairs." On my way out I stumble and pause and bend over to retie my shoelace. From behind me Edward groans. I right myself and turn and look at him. He's got those dark eyes again, making my body feel like it's on fire.
Oh. He was staring at my… and he liked it. Red faced I rush out of the room.
Downstairs Elizabeth smirks when I enter the kitchen red faced and flustered. Shouldn't she be upset that her son and I were just getting hot and heavy? Most Moms would be concerned by this!
When Edward comes down looking all pink and bashful Elizabeth giggles and Edward quickly rushes me from the house. She laughs loudly as we flee. The gate opens, and a delivery truck pulls in front of my house. I grin and take off across the road, Edward follows behind laughing.
I sign for the delivery as Emmett, Jasper, Alice, and Rose come outside. We open up the truck and begin taking the boxes inside. We pile them up in my room and when we've unloaded everything we all take positions around the room and begin sorting through boxes. Rose, Alice and I are all perched on the edge of my bed bending over and digging through boxes.
Jasper is sitting at my desk and Edward and Emmett are on the floor. Rose snorts and I glance up and gape in horror. She's holding up a ice blue lace bra.
"Rose." I hiss tearing the bra from her hands. I toss it back into the box and then kick the offending box away. Alice and Rose are cackling. Jasper is glancing down with earnest at a pile of books. Emmett is shaking his head and mumbling. Edward has that damn look again.
We unpack my clothes and I gleefully rush to the bathroom and change into a pair of sweats and a gigantic shirt of Emmett's. We get my books situated and all my photos and odds and ends I've collected through the years.
"I remember this." Alice chirps holding up a picture. We all crouch around her and look at it. It's a picture of all of us, scratched, bleeding, messy hair, holding Alice who's smiling triumphantly.
"We were in Mama Esme's back yard." Rose muses outloud.
"And someone decided to make it a competition to see who could get through, or over the lilac bushes." I add casting an accusatory glance at Emmett. He grins widely.
"The bushes were too thick and close together, but bent and swayed when we tried to climb them." Jasper says grimacing, no doubt remembering all the scratches as we got as we tried to weasel our way through.
"Then Alice says she'll split the reward money with Emmett if he'll throw her over." Edward says shaking his head. Emmett guffaws.
"I tossed her and she starts crying, and laughing saying it hurts but she won." Emmett says.
"And you guys came running and carried me to Carlisle and he had to stop to take a picture and laugh and then he wrapped my sprained ankle and I split 100 dollars with Emmett." Alice says with a little giggle.
We all sit in a circle and go through my stack of photos of us through the years.
"Halloween when we were eight." Jasper says holding the photo up. We all take one look and laugh.
Alice is Snow White. I'm Belle. Rose is Sleeping Beauty. Emmett, Edward, and Jasper said being princes sounded super dumb so they're ninja turtles. Alice was so put out that they wouldn't do what she wanted she wouldn't speak to them all night. In the picture she's on the far left, as far from the boys as possible.
"You were so mad because they wouldn't dress up like our matching princes!" I exclaimed laughing at the memory of eight year old Alice with her cheeks puffed in anger.
"They ruined everything, just so they could go as stupid turtles." Alice moaned flopping to the floor dramatically. We all laugh at this.
Rose is shaking her head and laughing as she picks up the next photo in the pile
"Aw." She says her eyes soft. She holds it up and I blush. It's a baby picture. I'm wearing a cute little pink onesie and there's a bow in my barely there hair. I'm curled up next to another baby, slightly older and bigger, three months bigger. His hair is as it is now, untamed, bronzed, beautiful.
Rose begins to read what's written on the back of the photo.
"Bella took to Edward and Edward to her. They curled up next to each other and slept. Elizabeth and I are currently planning the wedding, we're arguing about wedding colors. Emmett is very put out that his twin abandoned him."
Jasper, Alice and Rose laugh.
"Dude, bro code. Twin code!" Emmett grumbles. Edward gives me a soft grin.
"What can I say. You were the prettiest baby I'd ever seen."
Hastily I grab the next photo it's of all of us as babies. Sitting next to each other.
"From oldest to youngest. Mary Alice Brandon. Rosalie Lillian Hale, Jasper Whitlock Hale, Edward Anthony Masen. Emmett Charles Swan, Isabella Marie Swan."
I'm the youngest by nine months according to Alice. six months according to Rose and Jasper. Three months according to Edward. And four minutes according to Emmett. They called me Baby Bella until we were seven and I got so mad I refused to speak to or play with them for days.
I gaze softly down at the photo.
"Mom had this obsession with capturing moments. She bought everyone cameras and insisted they always take pictures of our antics. If she heard about an adventure and it wasn't captured on film she'd get so mad." I giggled softly. "And then she'd steal everyone's pictures and make a bunch of copies. I have stacks of your guys' baby pictures."
I gesture to the box full of scrap books.
"And then there's all of those. She made one for all of us." I rise and pull them out. Alice's is pink, sparkly, with frilly satin ribbons and rhinestones.
"Oh wow." Alice breathes running her hand over the upraised letters of her name on the cover. Rose's is lavender with bits of lace, and elegant swirling letters. Jasper's is dark green, with his name embossed in black. Edward's is red and navy, his name neat and bold. Emmett's is lime green, with cooky circles and crooked letters. MIne is sapphire blue, with velvety material and little pearls.
"Together?" Alice asks. We all nod.
The first page is a picture of us in the hospital. We're anywhere from pink to purple, wrinkly, squinty eyed, and all around newborn. It has a few details listed. Our birthday, the time we were born. How big we were.
We all turn the page. It's of us being held tenderly between or by our parents depending on if we're twins or only children. Our parent's heads are bent, tears of joy in their eyes, complete wonderment in their faces.
I glance around, Dale actually looks terrified and awed and the same time. Edward Sr. is a total softy. William looks nervous as he holds tiny Alice. My dad looks petrified as he holds me.
He told me having a daughter is his greatest joy, and nightmare.
It's the Mom's expressions that I'm most captured with. They say a man becomes a father when the child is born and there in their arms. But a woman becomes a Mother the moment she's pregnant. Our Mom's look reverant, joyful, completely and totally in love.
We turn the page.
It's a picture of Esme holding us. The expression on her face hurts my heart. She's staring down in earnest and wonder, a smile on her face. But you can see the sadness in her eyes, the deep sated want for a baby of her own.
The page only says one thing. 'Mama Esme'.
We turn again. This time it's the first birthday. We're dressed in our one year old best. Frilly dresses, button ups, cherub faces and curious eyes.
We continue the pattern. Watching slowly as we age, the last few pages are empty, but titled.
"Can we keep these?" Jasper asks holding his tenderly. I nod smiling sadly.
"They were going to be graduation presents, look at the last page." After the empty pages of Junior Prom, Senior Prom, 18th birthday, and graduation is a page with a handwritten letter.
My sweet Bella,
You have grown into an absolutely beautiful young woman. I can honestly write these letters in advance because I know that you kids will never waver from who you are. You and intelligent, and kind, and have a good head on your shoulders. That's all I want on those shoulders baby girl, you can't take on the problems of the world. I know you shouldered mine for far too long. It's time to live baby, move back to Washington if you want, go to college with your friends. Finally admit that you love Edward and kiss him.
I made these when I looked over and realized you'd grown up. You were physically and mentally a woman, and a very fine one at that. You have this graceful tact which you learned from Elizabeth. This strong sense of right which I believe came from William and Ed. A love for all mankind thanks to Carlisle. Kindness that can only be rivaled by your Mama Esme. A strong will which I'd like to believe came from me, but you spent a lot of time with Cynthia. You laugh, and you can laugh at yourself a trait no doubt learned from Dale and Emmett. You don't get caught up in your beauty and I'm so thankful Lillian taught you that it's what inside that matters. You've got your Daddy's eyes, and your Daddy's big heart. That man loves like you love, completely and totally.
I"m sorry we didn't work out, and I'm sorry I robbed you of a childhood with your friends and family back in Washington.
You're an adult now Bella. It's time to go out into the world and prove to us, your parents, that we raised you right. You will, Bella. You'll never dissapoint us.
Live.
Love.
Tell me all about your adventures.
Mom.
I'm sobbing as I clutch the book to my chest. I'll never be able to tell her about my adventures. She'll never see me graduate. She'll never get to find out if she raised me right.
"Bella?" It's Emmett, he's crying too. When I look around with my tear filled eyes they all are. In this moment we share the same grief of a precious gift and knowing that we'll never be able to show her if she was right.
We close our books and all end up in this big group hug thing. I'm predominantly hugged by Edward and Emmett. Rose is hugging Emmett and Jasper. Jasper is hugging Alice and Rose. Alice is hugging Edward and Jasper.
It's a big circle of crying and hugging.
"My parents will love this." Alice says patting her scrapbook reverently. I sniffle and smile softly, trying to ignore the ache in my heart.
"You guys should go show your parents them, it's getting late." I look outside, the sun is getting low in the sky.
"We have school tomorrow." I say which earns a round of groans.
"Go guys." I say with a wry grin. I've always been the deliverer of bad news, the rational one who points out reality.
"Okay Bella, you call us if you need anything." Rose says with a long earnest stare, I give her a hug.
"I will Rose, thanks." Jasper gives me a half hug and a smile.
"Thanks again Bella." He says holding up his scrapbook.
Alice latches onto me nearly knocking me to the ground, I stumbled and pat her on the back as I wheeze for breath.
"You call me the minute you need me okay? I'll be over here in a blink!" I nod in her grip.
"Okay Alice." I croak. She jumps away and skips from the room.
Edward pulls me close, holding me right against his chest. I breathe deeply as my cheek rests right over where his heart beats.
"Please call me if you need me Bella. I'll have my phone on extra loud," He presses a tingling kiss to my forehead.
"Please baby, I'm so worried about you."
I lean forward and press a chaste kiss to his lips, conscious of Emmett in the room making gagging noises.
"I'll call if I need you Edward, go see your parents they have to be missing you." Edward gives me that endearing boyish smile and leaves.
I make my way downstairs and pull out the supplies to make spaghetti and meatballs.
"It's about time you spend a meal with your old man." Dad says as he steps into the kitchen. I roll my eyes and toss a piece of garlic bread at him. He catches it with ease and takes a large bite, his mustache twitching.
"If you missed us that much you should have said something." I tease pouring the pot of boiling pasta into a strainer. Steam envelopes me, making me crinkle my nose. It reminds me of Lillian's steam treatments for clear pores.
"I always miss you kids. I'm just glad you're in good hands all the time. Ever since we put in that gate I've had a lot of my concerns vanish."
Dad didn't like Mike Newton. Not when he ran up and stole my first kiss, and especially not when he got busted in the tree outside of my window while I changed for bed. Unsure how far his antics would or had gone, all the Dad's put in the gate, the cul de sac was already lined by a tall stone wall. It's thick, with smoothed stones that make it impossible to climb.. We've tried.
When they put in the gate they outfitted it to recognize the sensors they put in all their vehicles so it would open automatically. Whenever a car approached, they'd all get a notice on their phone and could opt to open the gate or not.
Jessica and Lauren call us all snobs for living up on a hill in a 'gated community'. It's not that we're trying to live in some holier than thou state where we keep out all the riff raff. That's Tanya, Kate, and Irina. It's just that our Dad's are ridiculously protective.
They wouldn't talk if they knew how much of a pain it is. When the power went out a few summers ago we couldn't get the damn thing to work because it runs on electricity. They've since put in an emergency generator stored in a metal electrical box, but still, that was a weird experience. I shake my head fondly at the memory of Dad running the gate down with Granddad's old Chevy. It was a huge, bulbous red behemoth that knocked down the gate, then finally gave out.
"Emmett dinner!" I call upstairs. I hear a loud thump followed by his pounding steps as he races his massive body down the stairs.
I joke that Emmett took all the nutrients from Mom in the womb. Because he's like six foot five and heaping with muscle. I've five foot five and struggle to put on any mass. No matter the workouts with Alice and Rose, or the full scale obstacle courses I run in the backyard when we have paintball fights.
Emmett piles his plate with a massive amount and I take my own conservative serving.
We eat with comfortable conversation. How work was for Dad, what we did today. Dad remarks that he's glad my things arrived just in time for school. Emmett jokes that I'll actually be able to wear clothes that fit, then proceeds to say he would have had to beat up all the boys at school for looking at me. Dad tells him to keep an eye out for unsavory boys. Emmett says Edward and he are already scouting.
I roll my eyes at all their antics but feel comforted that they'll be looking out for me tomorrow.
Once we clean up dinner I go upstairs and take a shower then settle down and do some reading. When my eyes begin to droop I turn off my bedside lamp and get into a comfortable position.
With a deep sigh I close my eyes and I pray that the nightmares won't come tonight.
"How many have to die for you Bella?" James growls through the door. It's not the bright white bathroom of my house in Phoenix. But the stone tiles of my bathroom in Forks.
"First your brother, how about a sister? Of course I've already killed the other one haven't I? Maybe someone you consider to be a sister?" He muses. I can imagine that satisfied smirk on his face.
"Vicky darling bring me the little one, I want the blond for fun." I draw in a shuddering breath, tears are pricking at my eyes.
"Bella." It's Alice. Her voice is shaky, tear strained, scared.
"No, no please. Let them go, I'll come out!"
James and Victoria laugh.
"They'll all die whether you come out or not, and then when we're done with you, you will too." I pound on the door and scream.
"No!" My voice is shrill.
Then her screams pierce the air. They're high pitched, drawn out in absolute pain. I collapse on my knees and sob into my blood stained hands. There's blood so much blood. They're blood.
"Vicky darling, I'll let you have the blond boy." No. I imagine Victoria, red hair, gleaming smile. Jasper calls out in pain. It's gruff, muffled, he's gritting his teeth to keep from making noise. But I hear him.
"Damn it Bella wake up!" I sit up with a scream and glance around. I'm in my room. The lamp is on. Emmett and Dad are beside the bed looking sleep rumpled and worried. I look to my bathroom door and begin to cry.
"It was here this time. The nightmare was in there!" I point to the bathroom. Emmett marches over and walks in turns on the light and shows me that it's empty.
"He killed Alice and Jasper…" I start to cry.
Dad pulls me into a tight hug.
"Bella. That maniac will never get near you again. You're safe here. This neighborhood is the safest in Forks. I'm a cop baby, I'm just a call away. He'll never get to you or your friends." I cry into his shoulder until the tears stop and my chest stops heaving.
When we were coming into our angst riddled teenage years we'd call this place The Compound. It was locked down, hard to escape, difficult to sneak into. We'd rant that we never got to sneak off to Tyler Crowley's crazy parties, or get to see the appeal of The Lookout.
But a part of us was always conscientious of how safe it was. We walked freely at all times of day and night. Never looked over our shoulder, and never had to worry about strange cars, or creepers in the bushes.
It's safe here.
I'm safe here.
I call Alice and Rose to make sure they're okay, Rose checks on Jasper and tells me he's still sucking his thumb. A habit he never really kicked as he aged. Alice assures me that she's fine and locks her door right beside the speaker so I can hear the satisfying click.
When I'm calm I go back to sleep, and it's blissfully dream free.
I make reference to the same grounding technique in Are You My Mother? It's great for anxiety and I've seen it personally work wonders both with adults and little bitties. Give it a try!
