The Final Fantasy VII FAQ

Chapter Four

A/N: Since the Turks had some reconnaissance work to do, they won't be making any appearances for a while. Instead we'll have the Silver- Haired Men and the REAL ex- SOLDIER Zack over for the show!

Okay… I know this is the fourth chapter and all, but I think I gotta lay down a few rules. So stop picking your nose and listen!

1. Characters who haven't been asked a question shall be forced to ride good ol' ShinRa No. 26 and will be sent to space until a week has passed, or until someone asks them a question. Whichever comes first.

2. All questions regarding my User's Manual and Maintenance Guide Series shall be answered here.

3. This FAQ is aimed at answering any question people might have about the original PS FFVII game- yes, the one released in 1997- but I forgot to include this in the previous chapters' disclaimers (boy, am I forgetful or what?)… and even though I've played only the '97 FFVII game and NOT DoC, CC, BC, and Lost Episode (heck, I haven't even played KH and KH II yet), I'll try to answer questions regarding them… just keep them easy, ok? And about the spin-offs… so far, I've only watched AC and nothing else… come to think of it, maybe I should've made this a pure FFVII (PS) FAQ instead… yeah…

-click OK to continue…-

Allele: Welcome to another episode of the Final Fantasy VII FAQ, where questions are answered by the game characters, character answers are questioned, and fangirl dreams are shattered because the beautiful bishounen of their dreams won't go out with them. And… (gags) I can't do a serious speech unless it's for school… so… yeah. (Laughs out loud. Really loud. I mean, you might even hear it from where you're living.)

Cloud: … I think she's PMS-ing.

Zack: Hey! I was about to say that line! You stole my line!

Sephiroth: That's not the only thing he's stolen from you.

Cloud: (steps up to Seph) Unless you want me to tear your damn hair off by the roots, I suggest you shut up now.

Sephiroth: (looks down at Cloud) And unless you want me to kick your ass AGAIN, I recommend that you. Clam. Up. Now.

Vincent: Break up! Break it up!

Allele: (wiping off tears) Ah, that was good crap… okay, here's the deal. Since I only have two weeks left before classes start yet again, I thought I'd give in to the whims of those who bothered to ask questions (thank you!) in the form of reviews and I'll even mention their names as a form of acknowledgement…

Cloud: Hey, where's Aerith?

Zack: Wouldn't YOU like to know…?

Cloud: Argh, not you too Zack…

Kadaj: The Cetra girl and the others aren't here because she (points to… well, the only female in there) put floor wax in their food.

Loz: But I thought Allele pushed them down the stairs outside when they went out for lunch!

Yazoo: You idiot, she used a Lv.2 Exit materia on them and sent them to some hellish dimension using Remove.

Allele: Actually I forced them inside ShinRa No. 26 because no one bothered to send questions about them.

(Inside Shinra No. 26)

Aerith: GIT YOUR HANDS OFF MY HAIR!

Tifa: Well, excuse me, your Princess Guard's HITTING MY CHEST!

Cid: Now, now, ladies…

Aerith and Tifa: SHUT UP!

Cait Sith: Barret, I think you're stepping on my foot…

Barret: As if you'd feel it, foo!

Red XIII: But you're stepping on my tail!

Barret: I don't give a f-ck about your tail!

Yuffie: But do you give a f-ck about your foot?

Barret: (looks down at his foot, which is slowly…) OH CRAP MY FOOT'S ON FIRE!

Yuffie: Yay! Blazing Barret!

Barret: This is no time for one of your sugar highs you stupid broad!

Yuffie fans: He called Yuffie stupid! RAWR!

Barret: Not another one! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Yuffie fans charge at Barret and fill up ShinRa No. 26, leaving only a millimeter of personal space.)

Tifa: … Hey… why are we here in the first place anyway?

Aerith: Allele told me that there would be pink dresses on sale here, so I went here as fast as I could!

Cid: Well, she told me that someone was offering a crapload of cigarettes for only 1000 gil!

Yuffie: But I thought that Rikku would be coming over from Spira with her latest fashion designs!

Cait Sith: You don't think…?

Cid: Oh shit…

(Everyone rushes over to the only window, where they see… well, whoever's not inside the rocket- smiling up at them from below.)

Allele: In three…

Cloud: (smiling very WIDELY) Bye Tifa! Bye, Aerith!

Allele: Two…

Aerith: Help me Cloud!

Tifa: No! Save ME! Save me like you've always done before even though I'm perfectly able to take care of myself!

Allele: One…

Vincent: ("Finally, Yuffie is out of my hands… she's a nice girl but sometimes those Yuffientines really get on my nerves.")

Allele: AND THEY'RE GONE!

(ShinRa No. 26 takes off into space, its passengers' screams echoing down to ground zero.)

Sephiroth: Now that we're done with that, can we have the readers' attention now?

Cloud: I see no reason why not.

(And so, back in the villa… on the other hand, maybe it's a good idea to get a little sun for a while…)

Allele: As I was saying before… welcome to another episode of the Final Fantasy VII FAQ! But today's show is definitely no ordinary one, 'coz today we have Colonel Zack and the Silver- Haired Triplets!

Random Fangirls: YAY!

Allele: And, since it's summer… and Vincent's getting a little… paler than usual, we're gonna broadcast this live from the gorgeous beaches of Costa del Sol!

Random Fangirls and Fanboys: YAY!

Allele: (hollers) No use hiding! Come on! OUT!

(The Final Fantasy VII Bishounen- namely Cloud, Sephiroth, Vincent, Zack, and the Silver- Haired Men- all file out… in swimwear.)

Cloud: (twiddling his thumbs) But I'm… shy.

Everyone else: (roll eyes) Sure you are.

Vincent: (shivering in the breeze)

Allele: Anything wrong?

Zack: You don't know what's wrong 'cause you're not wearing a swimsuit!

Allele: And so? It's not my fault that I'm not freezing my ass off.

Sephiroth: (shakes head) Just get on with the FAQ, f-ck it…

Allele: Okay. First one:

From: One Winged Cetra

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"this is so funny!

my sides are hurting! lol!

i have a question for sephiroth

does he know that lucrecia is his mother and not stupid jenova!

keep up the good work"

Sephiroth: Actually, I do.

Kadaj: He just doesn't want to admit it, since Mother (Jenova) looks way cooler as a mom than Lucrecia. GO MOM! And wouldn't you consider Mother (Jenova) to have acted more maternally than Lucrecia did, if you were in Sephiroth's boots?

Allele: Next!

From: the instant-ramen monster

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"oO so very VERY random...

I have a question for Vincent:

Would you go out with me?

PLEASE?"

Vincent: One word: No. Haven't you read my user's manual?

Allele: And… from FFlove190:

FF: I just looked at my review, and I realized that deleted all my questions. ; So I'll tell them to you now.. ; I hope you get these, and does kill them."

Zack: Why did Cloud steal MY SWORD? very angry

Yazoo: Cloud stole your sword 'coz he needed some money to get to Midgar… so he got your sword, sold it at a junkshop, got some cash, went to Midgar, and had some random hobo make his metal-plated cardboard sword, which he now uses. Besides, he RETURNED your sword in FFVII: AC, so I don't really know what you're raising a stink about.

Reno: Seph, is Zack really the supposed Colonel of the ShinRa army like he sayz he is?

Sephiroth: As much as it pains me to do this, Zack's telling the truth. holds up a certificate with the following printed on it: This is to certify that Zack Whats-his-name of Gongaga has completed the required requirements to qualify for the position of Colonel of the ShinRa army. Given this 32nd of January, year 4006.

Zack: Why am I only a flashback! I deserve to be a ghost or something! Don't I!

Allele: If I recall correctly, you already appeared as a ghost in AC, so I don't know what you're complaining about. Maybe the Square Enix guys were too lazy to make a ghost sprite of you in the game…?

Reno: Seph, if you love your mom so much, then why don't you do you chores?

Cloud: Who says Sephy can't do chores? (holds up picture of Sephiroth in an apron)

FF: Can Sephy play the piano? Can Vinny play the violin? And if they can, could they play a duet?

Sephiroth: The only duet I would want to play with him would be tackling him to the floor.

Allele: Seph, we already have enough yaoi fics starring you and Vin.

Vincent: Good point.

Zack: Why did Kadaj kick my sword down in FFVII:AC? Does he hate me that much!

Kadaj: … Sheesh, you don't have to shout it. The only reason I have for kicking your sword in AC was because it was IN THE WAY. It's as simple as that.

Reno: Why is Loz such a crybaby?

Loz: (sniffling) I'm… I'm not a crybaby, am I?

Yazoo: (gritting his teeth) Sure… sure you aren't… ("Crybaby!")

Kadaj: I'm not really sure why, but I think it's because of the drugs Loz takes for his allergies.

FF: Sephy, have you ever thought about dying your hair a different color, since the silver can attract fangirls from hundred of miles away?

Sephiroth: I've tried dying it black, brown, blonde… heck, I've even tried pink… and I got mobbed by Haruno Sakura fans. I'm not even a girl! Obviously it didn't work. Nothing works.

Zack: Whatever happened to my body after I was killed? It just kind of... vanished...

Loz: Why? Do you want to see your body where it was last seen? It has been years, y'know. Maybe the rain washed it out to the ocean or something… --

Allele: (to Cloud) I don't think you're gonna like this one.

Cloud: Bring it!

Allele: (sigh) if you say so…

Xehanort:

"My question is for Vincent: Is there, or was there, ever anything going on between you and Cloud?"

Vincent: (stands up, shoots Cloud in the nuts.) There. Nothing's going on between him and me NOW.

Sephiroth: But was there?

Vincent: (sighs) If you want it put bluntly, fine: I didn't have sex with Cloud. YOU didn't molest Cloud at summer camp when he was 16, the author just made it up in the spirit of fun. The only person Cloud had sex with was Aerith… and maybe Tifa… I'm not really sure.

Allele: I feel… uncomfortable. Moving on:

From: Lady Lilliana

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"Okay, cool!

for Sephy-sama: Doesn't his hair get in the way of his malicious evil when there's a high gale?"

Sephiroth: No, because I use Cloud's hair gel… and we all know how that one stands up to anything… ANYTHING!

"For vinnie: Dontcha hate it when fangirls call ya Vinnie?"

Vincent: Yes, I do. I hate it like HELL.

Zack: And before you ask, Seph hates it when you add a '-sama' as a suffix to his name.

"For Cait Sith: If you're Japanese, how come you have a scottish accent in Advent Children?"

Allele: I'm gonna answer this on Cait Sith's behalf, since he's currently in space and all… He's part Japanese and part Scottish, half cat, half moogle fairy, and whole plush doll. Or maybe he can do accents very well. Last question…

From: SapphireXSerpent

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Great! I have a question:

Vincent, what are your thoughts on Yuffie? (Include info from DoC.)

Vincent: What I think of Yuffie…? She's a great… she's… a nice girl. Sure, sometimes she pisses me and the others off, but I don't think it's her fault. Back in the original FFVII game she was really hyper, but she's matured considerably well in AC and the other spin-offs. Of course, sometimes she still displays that wild streak in her, but it doesn't bother me much. I am really grateful for the help she offered in DoC, alongside Cloud and the others, since taking on all of the Deep Ground Soldiers on my lonesome would've hurt. A lot.

Cloud: And how about the Yuffientines…?

Vincent: They don't bother me at all, since those stories are purely FICTION. And before someone asks, there's NOTHING going on between me and Yuffie; there never has been, and there never will be. That's why I didn't understand why Allele got so cranky everytime she saw the word 'Yuffientine' on I was an obsessed 15-year old twit back then. And I was a !& Mary Sue. But it's been three years, and a lot of things have changed. So, if I can offer anyone out there some sage (yeah right) advice: don't fret when you see one of your fave characters paired up with someone else or someone you hate, 'coz in the end it's all up to you whether you're going to read that story or whatever… and besides, it's fiction, isn't it? There's no universal law saying that fiction automatically translates into stuff in real life. (Heh.)

Sephiroth: And while you guys are going through stuff in your real lives, don't forget to send your FFVII-related questions through a personal message or a review. Thank you, and come again.

(pretty bland, isn't it? Meh... --)