ok, I really don't have any excuse at all. I have been super busy, but yeah. It's been forever. I've decided instead of just one more chapter I'll do a chapter and an epilogue. And I promise it won't take me as long to post these. I know how I want this to end, so hopefully it'll be done within the next month or so.


Present day.

"So, care to explain what the fuck is going on?" Johanna asked the next day when I had woken up from a restless sleep plagued with nightmares.

I considered making up something about how I had fought with Prim, or just had a bad day, but decided against it. Johanna had always been able to see right through the barrier I built up to hide my emotions.

"I did something really fucked up, and it's ruined everything for me and someone I really, really ca- Someone I love." I could already feel tears stinging my eyes, and wondered how I was going to make it through this story without breaking down completely.

"Ok, don't take this the wrong way, but I can already tell who it is." Johanna said somewhat timidly, surprising me. Johanna was everything but timid. "It's Peeta, isn't it?"

"Wha- How did you know?" I sputtered.

Johanna snorted. "Please, I'm you're best friend. The way I see you, you're practically transparent. Only something Peeta-related could upset you this much."

I glared at her. I was not transparent. I had always prided myself on being able to wipe my face free of emotions and staying strong when everyone else needed me.

"Oh give me a break, Katniss. You have to let yourself fall apart sometimes. Drifting through life pretending you're always okay is no way to live. You have to let people in sometimes." Johanna snapped, but it made me feel better. Johanna was feisty and unpredictable, but she was fiercely loyal and would undoubtedly stick with me and support me through this mess.

"I'm in love with Peeta. Always have been, always will be." I blurted. Johanna's looked shocked, to say the least. Slowly, a huge grin spread over her face.

"I knew it! I fucking knew it! So what happened? Did you guys fuck?" She asked excitedly. I cringed.

"Delly cheated on him. And the worst part is that I saw her with the guy before Peeta found out and I didn't even suspect anything. I'm so fucking stupid. God, how clueless could I be?" I let the tears I had been trying to hold back fall silently. To my surprise, Johanna took me in her arms and hugged me until the tears stopped.

"I know that's not all that you're upset about, Kat. What happened?" Johanna pressed, knowing that if I didn't say it now it would never come out.

"He.. He kissed me. Or I kissed him. I don't even know anymore. But, God, Jo, it was amazing. Better than I ever thought it could be. Just kissing him was so much better than sex ever was with anyone else." I gushed, letting go for a second. Even if the whole situation was utterly fucked up, I deserved some girl-talk with my friend.

"Is that what you're upset about?" Johanna asked, looking confused.

"No.. While we were kissing, Delly showed up looking for Peeta. I don't know what went down, but when Delly left he was a mess. We just sat in silence while he cried, and I wanted so badly to comfort him but I just couldn't. I just let him cry. It hurt so much to see him that broken. Whatever Delly said to him, it must have been awful. Then he brought up the kiss. When he started, it sounded like he enjoyed it, or whatever, but then he said it was a mistake and that we're best friends and nothing more." The tears had started to slide down my cheeks again, but I was beyond caring. My chest was aching so much that I hardly noticed.

"Oh God, that asshole. I swear if I see hi-" Johanna started, but I cut her off.

"Jo, don't. It's not his fault. The kiss should have never happened. He was right. I don't even know why I'm upset. I should have known that there was the possibility he didn't feel the same way as I did but I guess I was blinded by him, or love, or.. Or.. I don't even know. What was I thinking?" Sobs started to rip through me, so violent that they hurt my chest with every breath.

"Hey, hey, calm down. None of this is your fault. You don't get to choose who you love. Life's a bitch like that. It chooses for you, and it chooses whoever the fuck it wants to, even if it means nothing but trouble for you." I smiled through my tears at that. Only Johanna could word something like that.

We sat in silence for a while, long enough for my sobbing to subside and my breathing to return to normal.

Johanna was first to break the comforting silence. "Do you want something to eat? I could order pizza, or I have some cereal."

"Could I have some coffee? I feel so tired, I want to be alert for at least a little while."

Johanna left to make the coffee, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

Why would Peeta initiate the kiss if he intended to just blow me off as soon as he saw Delly again? He didn't do things that he didn't mean. Everything that Peeta did, he did with a heart and a half. Whether it was offering to babysit for his brothers, or making me dinner when I had had an exceptionally bad day. This couldn't just be nothing to him. He wouldn't do that to me. Would he?

Johanna returned just as I decided what I was going to do.

"I need to see him."

Johanna blinked at me, shocked. "I- I don't think that's such a good idea Kat. I think you both need time to think things-"

"No," I interrupted, "I need to see him. Will you drive me home? Right now?"

"I really don't think it's the right time. You're still clearly upset over what happened and you know that you can be impulsive sometimes. Take a few days to think it through, and if you still think it's a good idea then I'll take you home. I promise. You can stay here until then."

I considered what she was saying for a moment. I desperately wanted to see Peeta, but she had a point. I was upset and irrational.

"Fine. Two days, and then you take me to see him. Deal?"

"Deal."


Those two days were agonising. I had never gone this long without communicating with Peeta in some way. My phone was still in the apartment, along with my laptop. Every time Johanna's phone rang I practically sprinted into the room to see if it was him. It never was. He knew that I would be here, because Johanna's place is where I always went when something went wrong and Peeta wasn't there to help me.

I missed Peeta's presence in everything that I did. When I helped Johanna make dinner I missed his absent minded comments on how to improve it. I missed hearing him singing when he thought I wasn't listening. I missed his comforting scent. I missed everything about him.

The morning of the third day, I asked Johanna to take me to the Starbucks near where she lived, because I was getting sick of the cheap coffee she insisted on buying. She reluctantly agreed, just because it was the first time I had wanted to go anywhere since that night I had arrived.

Jo had to do some shopping, so she left me at Starbucks and told me to meet her at the grocery store around the corner. I ordered and waited for my coffee, the smell of the place making my mouth water.

It took me a while to notice her, but when I did I felt white hot rage bubble up inside of me almost instantly. Delly was standing at the counter ordering, looking as perfect and put-together as ever. My first instinct was to approach her and knock her brains out, but I then remembered the fact that we were in a crowded coffee shop.

My order was called and I took it before the barista could call my name, slipping out unnoticed. I waited for a few minutes, until I saw her approaching through the window. As soon as she had stepped outside, still unaware that I had seen her or that I was even there, I let myself go.

"How fucking dare you?" I hissed, alerting her to my presence.

She spun around, looking as surprised as I had ever seen her.

"Excuse me?" She stuttered, as white as a sheet.

"Don't play dumb with me now, you absolute bitch. How could you cheat on him? Peeta has never, ever been anything but faithful to you, and this is how you repay him?"

She seemed to be stuck for words, but eventually the colour returned to her face and she regained her composure.

"Don't act like you're so innocent in all of this." She spat.

"I- What? What are you talking about?"

"You think I don't notice the way that Peeta looks at you? The way he talks about you all the time? Even when you're not there, you're there. I wanted him to know what it feels like to be second best for once."

"Then talk to him! Tell him how you feel! Don't make yourself believe that you did the right thing by cheating on him! You know that Peeta's my best friend, and that nothing ever has or ever will happen between us." I felt guilty as soon as the lie left my mouth, but I couldn't take it back.

"Oh, fuck off. You think I didn't hear what you two were doing when I showed up the other day? Do you really expect me to believe that that was the first time it's happened?"

I didn't know what to do. It became obvious that no matter what I said, Delly wasn't going to believe me.

I shook my head and began to walk away.

"If you really believe that Peeta, of all people, would cheat on you, then you don't deserve him."

I hurried into the grocery store in search of Johanna, knowing that I had to see Peeta as soon as possible.

I found Johanna with a basket full of ice cream and beer. She smiled sheepishly at me.

"I was planning a girls night to celebrate you being back in the land of the living. You've been like a zombie for the past few days."

"I need you to take me to Peeta." I demanded, dreading the thought that she might refuse.

"Katniss, I-"

"You promised. Jo, you don't understand. I need to see him right away. Please."

Jo sighed, but nodded.

"Fine, let me pay first and then we'll go."

I agreed and waited impatiently for Johanna to pay and walk to her car. The drive home was short, but it seemed to take a lifetime. A million different outcomes raced through my mind.

What if he hates me, and we can never even be just friends again?

What if he does love me?

What if he's already moved on?

By the time we arrived I was chewing anxiously on my nails, full of tension. I shot Johanna a grateful smile as I got out of her car, and she gave me a small smile in return.

"Remember, if things don't go well you can always, always stay with me. Ok?"

I nodded silently and shut the door behind me, making my way up the stairs to our apartment. My heart was beating erratically in my chest, and a small sheen of sweat had developed on my forehead.

I almost knocked when I reached the door, but then I remembered that I lived here too. I had as much right to be here as he did.

When I walked in the place was cold, and the only light was coming from the living room. I could faintly hear the TV playing, but no other voices.

"Peeta? Are you here?" Stupid. Of course he's here.

I heard something that sounded like a book being dropped on the floor, and heavy footsteps followed almost immediately. Peeta appeared in the hall, looking tired, pale and beaten down. His hair was unwashed, he was in sweats, his shirt had a stain on it and it was obvious that he hadn't shaved in days. But I didn't care.

He was still my Peeta.

I wanted so badly to launch myself into his arms and kiss him until I couldn't stand, but I stopped myself, remembering his words from the other day.

"We shouldn't. I was just upset over Delly."

The words still stung and placed an ache in my chest that nothing could cure.

I then realised that I had been staring at him for an inappropriate amount of time, and neither of us had spoken.

Finally, I broke the silence.

"Hi."

It was a pathetic attempt, but in the moment it was all I could think to say.

He gave me a halfhearted smile, but remained silent.

"I- I don't know what to say, Peeta. I miss you so much."

"I miss you too, Kat." His voice came out broken, as if he hadn't spoken in days. By the looks of things, he probably hadn't.

Silence takes over once again as we continue to stare at each other. Suddenly Peeta heaves a deep breath and begins to speak.

"Katniss, I have to tell you something. As soon as you left the other day I phoned Rye and explained the whole situation, and he offered me a place to stay if I needed it. At first I refused, because I didn't want to be away from you. But I thought it through, and I think that maybe it doesn't seem like such a bad idea."

I feel a stabbing pain in my chest. He couldn't have been saying what I thought he was. Rye lived in a town that was almost a four hour drive from here.

"No. Peeta, please, don't do this. I need you. I need you here. You know I can't make it on my own." Tears had started rolling down my face but I let them fall, appearances be damned.

"I'm just too broken. I ruin everything that I touch, and eventually that will include you. I can't stay here. I'll be holding you back." His eyes were red, swimming with unshed tears, and full of regret.

"You can't do this to me Peeta. You are the only thing that holds me together. Did you stop to think how this would effect me? How broken I would be if you left?"

Tears had started falling from his eyes now, too. It hurt to see him like this.

"Katniss, you need to understand that I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life. I have loved you since the day I've met you, and I have spent every single day since then wanting to be able to hold you and kiss you and protect you. Leaving is the hardest thing that I will ever have to do, but it's what's best for us. I'm just too broken - beyond repair." He took a step closer to me, and I watched him carefully.

"If I were to stay, what's to say that you wouldn't get bored of me like Delly did? Or what's to say that I wouldn't scare you off? I'm too intense, Kat." His hands were trembling and I wanted so desperately to grab them and hold them tight, but I stopped myself.

"No.. No, you're not. Peeta, I love you so much that it scares me every day. But at the same time I spend every day wanting to be with you in a way that I never thought I would be able to. Now that I finally can, don't take that away from me." I could hardly see him anymore because of the ferocity of my tears, so I swiped the back of my hand over my eyes.

Peeta took another step towards me, and he was close enough that I had to look up to be able to see into his eyes. One of his hands came up to cradle my cheek, and the other stayed limp at his side.

He leaned in slowly and kissed me, and it was full of tears and desperation and longing and love.

"I love you, Katniss, and I will never stop loving you. But I'm just too much of a mess, and being with me wouldn't be good for you."

I couldn't look him in the eye, so I looked over his shoulder and into the kitchen. I could see neatly labelled boxes stacked on the floor, and I was suddenly filled with rage. He couldn't just leave me like this.

"No, Peeta, you can't just run away from this. You can't leave me here and expect me to just move on. Do you realise what that would do to me? My life doesn't function properly without you in it. You need to stay here and face up to the situation. Running away won't solve anything!" I spat, becoming angrier by the second.

"You don't think I know that? Do you think I'll just be able to leave and forget about this? About you? I'm doing this because every time I look at you I feel guilty. I remember all of the times I told Delly I loved her, when I really loved you. I remember every time I kissed her and wished it was you. I can't live with myself, Katniss." He looked utterly desperate.

"I'm need to go. Rye's waiting for me. He'll be here tomorrow to pick up the boxes. God, I'm so sorry, Kat. I love you." He said, and it was only then that I noticed his car keys, coat, wallet and phone were all in a neat pile on the table that was just inside the door. All I could do was stand there in silence while he collected his things and prepared to leave for good.

Peeta leaned in for one last kiss, and I let him. When he tried to deepen it I pulled away and told him to leave, all of my fight draining out of me.

He left silently and closed the door behind him, leaving me standing alone in my near-empty apartment, the taste of him still on my lips.


So that was intense. I am really sorry, guys, but you know things don't always go how we want them to! Who knows, maybe things will look up in the epilogue?

The inspiration for this chapter came from the song Stay With Me by Sam Smith, you've probably heard it but if you haven't it's definitely worth a listen.

Please leave a review x