Elizabeth let her gaze wash over the control room, the inactive gate sitting at the center of her thoughts. Woolsey had given her mission the green light and she'd spent most of the night prepping but she'd found her focus wandering at times, lingering on John and the argument they'd had. She'd wanted to talk to him before departing but he'd been avoiding her and Lorne's team would be ready and geared up in less than an hour.
A sigh pulled from her lips, the conversation would just have to wait until she got back.
"Elizabeth?"
Jennifer waved her her hand, surprised that the Doctor hadn't answered the first time she'd called. Even as she came to a standstill beside her friend it took the women a few seconds to snap out of her thoughts and she lent over the control console, keeping her tone light as she voiced her concern, "everything okay?"
Elizabeth drew her arms over his chest forcing a smile. "Yeah, sorry... I was just thinking."
"About the mission?" Keller guessed, having already heard the rumors through Rodney. Usually she didn't like to entertain his gossiping but she'd signed off on the paperwork deeming Elizabeth fit for active duty. If she was having second thoughts then it was her responsibility to address them. "I know it must be daunting."
"It's not that-" she jumped in quickly then paused taking a moment to align her thoughts. There was no point lying. Anyone in her position should be feeling somewhat nervous and there was no shame in admitting her reservations."It's not just that," she corrected stealing a breath "I know what's at stake but I'm ready. I need... I want to do this."
Jennifer nodded, believing the statement to be true. They'd been working closely over the last few months and she'd learn to pick up on when the diplomat was avoiding the truth but she also knew when the women was deflecting. "This wouldn't have anything to do with Colonel Sheppard would it?"
Elizabeth stiffened though she shouldn't have been surprised. World traveled fast around Atlantis, clearly something that had remained the same in her absence. "I'm assuming you heard about his recommendation?"
Answering a question with a question. Jennifer knew it was a tactical move but if anything it proved her friend was definitely ready for the scheduled mission, just not to discuss what was really bothering her. "You were cleared weeks ago, I'm sure he was just being overly cautious."
Elizabeth drew her lips together releasing a hum of uncertainty. Every time she thought back to their confrontation the truth slipped further from her grasp. Had he really been alluding to the feelings between them or had she simply imagined it? Did part of her merely want to wish it was true?
"Can I ask you something?" She swallowed the question, clasping her hands awkwardly behind her back. The aftermath of her death wasn't an easy topic to bring up in part because she wasn't sure she had a right to know about it. Was it egotistical to ask if she'd been mourned, missed?
"I ordered him to leave me behind, at the time I didn't think about the personal ramifications that might follow..."
A pause fell between them and Jennifer felt a wave sympathy wash over her. Even though it wasn't an actual question she suspected she knew what was coming next and why it was so difficult to ask. "He fought for months to launch a rescue mission but the logistics... it would have been a suicide mission. We all found it difficult to accept but Colonel Sheppard took it the hardest."
The truth fueled the guilt Elizabeth already felt and she shifted uncomfortably. It didn't clarify the extent of John's emotions but it helped her to understand or at least she thought it did. "So you think it's possible he was just being over protective?"
Keller bit the inside of her mouth, the smallest of smiles catching her off guard. She wasn't blind and neither was the rest of Atlantis. Since Elizabeth's unascension both she and John had been practically inseparable and if they weren't both so stubborn, maybe they'd be able to see it for themselves. "I'd say it's a little more than that."
The teasing tone cause Elizabeth to glance up, her brows drawing together at the Doctor's subtle wink. She wanted to read more into it but embarrassment clouded her judgement and she ducked her head away from the scrutiny.
She had a mission to focus on, now wasn't the time to be analyzing her relationship with John. "Thank you." It was said with genuine gratitude despite the fact they both knew it was a brush off. Even if she'd wanted to continue the conversation time wouldn't allow it and she breathed in deeply as she left Jennifer standing alone in the control room.
xx
xx
Lorne knocked on the door to John's dimly lit office, stealing a hesitant breath as the Colonel glanced up from his laptop. He wasn't in the habit of rubbing his superiors up the wrong way but Doctor Weir was someone he regarded a friend. Back in the early days of their mission, before her disappearance, they'd spent a lot of time together awaiting the return of Atlantis' flagship team. He'd happy taken on the responsibility, filling in the Colonel's role by her side, but the moment John had reappeared it was clear who rightfully held the position.
"Something you needed Major?" John lent back in his chair, his expression cool as he regarded the man opposite him.
Evan tensed but didn't let it show as he stepped further into the room. He was a military man and he didn't back down from an awkward conversation, not unless it was likely to get him court-marshaled. "I just wanted to let you know Sir, Doctor Weir and our team are ready to depart."
"Glad to hear it." John remained impartial as he drew his gaze back to the screen in front of him. He'd been playing solitaire for the better part of an hour, trying to ignore the fact he knew exactly when their mission was due to depart but so far all he'd achieved was the longest three card move in history.
Even though the comment was clearly intended as dismissal Evan stood his ground, clearing his throat when the silence became too much. John glanced up at the sound and he shifted clasping his hands behind his back, "permission to speak freely Sir?"
"Do I have a choice?" John scrubbed a hand through his hair breathing out a sigh. They'd always been loose in regards to their chain of command outside of a military situation and he had a lot of time and respect for the man but he could already sense he wasn't going to like where the conversation was going.
Evan relaxed slightly but didn't let his guard down completely. He knew it was a delicate situation and he chose to remain standing as he approached it. "I know you have reservations about sending Doctor Weir off-world but we're going to take good care of her... and if it helps, I personally won't be leaving her side."
John still didn't like the idea but despite his hesitation he felt some of the pressure ease knowing he could trust the man in front of him.
"...and I know she'd really appreciate it if you came to see us off."
And there was the catch, he thought, checking the timer on his game of solitaire.
Truthfully he'd wanted to clear the air between them days ago but he didn't know how to defend his actions without revealing exactly why he didn't want her to go. He'd come close to admitting his feelings on the balcony and he'd only just managed to escape the embarrassment of actually saying them out loud. Avoiding her had seemed like the least messy solution but part of him couldn't stand the idea of her leaving with them on bad terms.
Making the decision he closed his laptop, swallowing his pride as Lorne stepped back to allow him past.
Apparently his compliance was enough because the rest of the journey to the gateroom was made without any further comment on the situation. Silence he was grateful for until they parted ways, the Major heading down to join his team in front of the gate. With a surprisingly steady maneuver he took his position behind the control panel, catching Elizabeth's gaze as she glanced up. It was like she sensed he was there and for a brief second neither of them moved until a small smile floated on her lips urging him to press the interface system.
"Doctor Weir... try not to start any civil wars out there."
He watched her tap the side of her ear piece, her voice flooding the space around him.
"I'll try my best Colonel..."
The gate activated behind her and he breathed out slowly.
He trusted her and he trusted Lorne to keep her safe.
He just had to hope that was enough.
