CH. 4: Bad Blood
" 'Cause, baby, now we got bad blood. You know it used to be mad love. So take a look what you've done.
'Cause, baby, now we got bad blood!"
I don't know where Zayn is taking me but I follow him blindly. Everything is a blur as I try my best to control my emotions. Nothing makes sense as the scene keeps replaying in my mind.
This wasn't supposed to happen. Austin left to LA, he lives in LA. I stayed back in Miami. He wasn't supposed to come back. Much less be the fiancé to the cousin of my boyfriend. Just saying it in my head makes it seem like I'm dreaming.
When Zayn finally guides me into his room I feel like it's been an eternity. He quickly closes the door as I pace around the room trying to gather my thoughts. I can feel his stare as he waits for me to say something. But the truth is I'm too baffled by the situation we find ourselves in to speak. It's only after a few minutes that he softly whispers, "Are you okay?"
I lift my head to look at him. I want to tell him that I'm fine… but I'm breaking apart as we wait. I want to tell him that I'm falling to pieces, but part of me is relieved that I don't have to go on pretending that Austin was never part of my life with the world. But I can't tell him anything. Because to be honest I don't know if l am or not.
Instead I just evade the question with, "Can you… just hold me?"
He doesn't let a second pass by before I'm hidden in his arms. And right now everything seems a little bit better. If only it could be like this. And then Zayn asks the hardest question I have to answer. He asks me, "Ally do you still love him?"
I haven't spoken a word but his voice already sounds like his heart is breaking. He sounds like he already knows the answer. But I only have the courage to say, "No Zayn. I don't love him like that anymore. It just… It just took me by surprise. That's all."
He lets out a sigh of relief as he leans down to kiss my forehead. And the longer I stay in his arms the more I realize that my answer says it all. I don't love Austin. How can I possibly love him when he broke me apart?
We stay like this for a few minutes. And I decide to leave everything in the past between Austin and me. We were a mistake. We were young and reckless. I've forgiven both of us for our foolishness. We've moved on. There's nothing left to say. And with that decision we both go downstairs to reality.
The moment we step outside to the party I can't help but look for him. And I feel relieved when I can't find him anywhere. Yet at the same I'm slightly annoyed at the fact that he has ran off again from all responsibility.
I try to brush it off but when Halley comes to find me to see if I'm alright, it takes everything to not yell at her for nothing.
I just force myself to smile as I tell her, "I'm fine Halley. I was just surprised. I'm all better now."
She smiles as she says, "I'm so glad to hear that! But if you don't mind me asking, what caught you off guard?"
I try my best to think of a way to tell Halley that I know Austin just as well as she does when I open my mouth and say, "He just reminded me of someone I used to know. And it just brought back memories I thought I had long forgotten."
She giggles like it's the most common answer in the world. She even says, "Well you know what they say. It's a small world after all!"
I can't help but see her in a new light and compare her to me. So this is the girl that Austin wanted. Now I can see how far off I was in being his ideal girl.
Physically we're completely opposite. She has blond straight hair with blue eyes. She's tall with gorgeous legs and everything about her is just captivating. If she really wanted to, she could have become a model.
In simple words she's everything I'm not.
On the other hand, her personality is the exact polar opposite of mine. She's loud and confident. She looks like she lives life one day at a time without any worries. In fact I could almost go as far to say that she is probably just as messy and laid back as Austin.
But the thing that bugs me the most about Halley as she talks about god knows what is that she's nice. And she's not just nice because she's trying to be polite but genuinely nice. Which makes me feel bad because she seems to have no clue about my past with Austin.
I casually respond to Halley to let her know I'm listening but a thousand thoughts are floating to my mind. Like I can't help but wonder if they do the same things that we did. Or if he treats her better than he ever did with me. And the thought that seems to be the loudest is the fact that he loves her more than he ever loved me. It's obvious in the way she talks about him. And if that isn't enough proof, she has the ring that is.
And it's only then while eating lemon cake that I realize he's moved on. Like a 100% moved on. There's no what if's or maybes. No. It's simply a fact.
And somehow for some reason this hits me harder than it should. It makes me feel stupid for all those random times I thought about him. For all those moments I used to compare Zayn with Austin. Because while he still lingers in my thoughts, he's completely erased me from his.
And from then on I just go through the motions. It's like I'm on autopilot and my body is just doing what my brain tells it to do a second later.
In fact when the reunion is over and I'm helping to clean up a bit, I'm still startled by the fact that Austin is here in Miami, Florida.
I keep telling myself I have everything that I ever wanted. I have a great boyfriend. I have my dream job with the record label I just opened. I'm healthy. I have my friends and family with me.
Yet I can't help but feel hurt at the thought that I wasn't good enough for Austin. I mean it's only natural right. We had feelings and plans. We made promises we thought we would be able to keep.
And even though it was a while ago… and it doesn't matter anymore… it still brings a bitter aftertaste to think of what almost could have been.
I just focus on the dish I'm washing as I try my best to ignore everything around me. I even hum a bit to distract myself from my thoughts. It's not until I hear his voice saying that all the dishes have been picked up that I freeze.
I take a deep breath before I turn around.
He's standing across the counter. I can tell he's a bit more reserved and shy than earlier this evening. His hands are stuffed in his pocket and he's waiting for me to say something.
I just stare him for a while until I say, "Oh. Well that's good. I was wondering when I was going to be done with dish duty."
We both chuckle at my statement but it's too forced to be genuine.
Instead I turn back to the dishes in the sink and focus on the stains. He understands that my silence says everything I need to tell. It lets him know that I don't want to talk. Yet he comes next to me and starts drying the clean dishes I've washed.
We both stay silent until he says, "You know, I never thought I would see you like this in Miami. I knew it was going to be awkward due to…"
He trails off a bit. As if wondering if I'm offended by him talking or worrying if he phrases his next words wrong I'll be angry. So instead I just say, "Our past."
He clears his throat before saying, "Yea, our past. You know? But I always thought Trish and Dez were going to be in the picture while we both supported their comments about… our past."
I know he's expecting me to talk and say something along the lines he's mentioned but instead I just nod and say, "Can you pass me a towel to dry the dishes?"
And then we stay silent once again. I wonder if I'm perceived as childish for giving him the silent treatment, I guess. I just don't feel like talking with anyone at the moment. All I know is that his engagement shouldn't be bothering me but it does. It probably bothers me more than it should. I am a tad bit happy to see him yet I want to strangle him. And frankly I just want to go home.
So when he asks me how I've been and all I say is good, I have to stop myself from doing something foolish when he says, "I've been doing well too. Thanks for asking."
I want to scream my head off, but instead I make this awkward conversation more strained when I ask, "So when did you propose?"
I can tell he's taken back by my question when he turns to look at me as he says, "We got engaged about a month ago."
I just keep my hands busy and keep looking down. It's only then I ask the only question that's bugging me at the moment, "Did you know she's Zayn's cousin?"
He stays quiet for a bit and I can't help but think that if he tells me yes, I am just going to start shouting at him. So I find relief when he whispers no.
So he was just as off guard as me. I find a little joy in knowing that he feels just as uncomfortable and confused as me. I even hope he feels more awkward than me. I want to ask more yet have no desire in knowing the answers. So I just stay quiet when he says, "So you finally decided on Zayn."
It's not a question. It's a statement. It bothers me to have him assume that I just ran into the arms of the next guy in line. It annoys me that his voice sounds makes it seem like he knew this was going to happen all along. As if he has a right to be angry at the situation we find ourselves in.
Instead I just say, "Well it took a while but after seeing how he cares for me and loves me without asking for anything in return, I decided to give him a shot. You know."
We both stay quiet. Our guards are up and the atmosphere feels like a bomb is just waiting to explode. As if we're just playing a game to see who can handle themselves better. As if we know sooner or later we'll just end up screaming and fighting.
Yet the longer we stay silent, the louder it seems to get. Every single sound gets branded into my brain. And I can't help but wonder where everyone else is. We're both minding our own business when out of nowhere he says, "I know I'm the last person you want to see at the moment but the least you can do is pretend to be polite. I know things between us didn't end well and I'm sorry for ruining the happiness you've been able to find since then. Trust me it's not like I'm planning how to sabotage your life."
I want to scream at him for acting so damn collected. It's like I'm the only whose losing her mind while he already thinks that I'm over reacting at the situation. I want to tell him that I wish it could be like old times before we dated but it can't. Because there is always going to be a bitter aftertaste when I think of us. I'm always going to be embarrassed at the fact that I threw things at him. There are things I wish he knew then and I wish he knew now. Yet all I can manage to do is stay quiet.
And when all the dishes are dried and put away, I just softly whisper, "Thank you. I guess I'll see you around."
And I leave.
But of course this is Austin. And since when has anything involving Austin been easy?
He stops me from leaving before I even take a step. And somehow this reminds me of old times. To be specific: arguments.
It takes everything not to roll my eyes at him as I ask him to step aside. But of course he asks me why I am overreacting.
I can't help but glare at him as I lose myself in my thoughts. It's not like meeting my boyfriend's cousin is out of the ordinary. Only with the tiny exception that her fiancée, soon to be husband, is my ex.
Yep, completely normal! The only way this situation could be awkward and weird is if big foot come right through the door, right?
I need to remind myself to stay calm when I reply, "You're right Austin. How very inconsiderate of me. Where are my manners? How have you been the last year? Good? Me too. I moved on as you can see and you are doing very well being engaged and all. I guess I'll be seeing you around uh?"
I give him a forced smile and continue to say sarcastically, "Well I hope you enjoyed your time! See you next time."
I trying to leave once again when he grabs my arm and looks me straight in the eyes.
"Ally I know this isn't like old times. But can't we still be friends? You know I've really missed you."
I try to read him as best as I can. He looks so vulnerable. Like a little kid asking for an impossible favor while hoping he'll hear the word yes in response. And for a second I feel myself softening. My guard is slowly coming undone. It almost makes me feel bad for the way I've been treating him.
We're just standing in the middle of the kitchen; daring the other to speak. And seeing him reminds me how I actually do want to know how he's been. I want to joke around with him like I used to. Without being angry, or sad, or anything. I just want to tell him how much I've missed him too.
I'm getting ready to speak and when the first syllable comes out of my mouth, we both hear, "Austin! There you are. I've been searching all over for you baby!"
And as Halley gives him a kiss on the cheek I remember why we'll never be the same. We have too much history to pretend we never happened. He hurt me too bad to forget how I had to fix the broken pieces he left behind. We loved and we fought and said too many things to forget how we both became our worst enemies.
So instead I play my role of a good girlfriend as Zayn walks into the kitchen and smile.
And as I hear them start talking I can't help but feel my heart get broken all over again by the same man as he stares right into my eyes.
