Leaving McCoy and Sphin to talk about medicine Kirk took the stone and started to go into a small office, paused as he noticed how McCoy had nodded as he pressed the record button on his communicator so that he could hear what was said later, then shut the door. For some time he just looked at the stone. He wanted to hear not only that beloved voice but also what the message was but then, as he sat down and cradled it, he was afraid it would be not only very formal but also the last he would hear of that voice. Once he had calmed himself he cleared his mind, and whispered, "T'hy'la."

The beloved baritone seemed softer, "Jim, I have sent all the proof and evidence I found that ensures you keep your career and the ship to the various departments on the ship as well as to the panel. As you stated, at our last meeting, you believe friends have no secrets I will tell you that I also informed the panel as to what I believe my findings showed and how the differences could have been deliberately made to those areas which would substantiate any claim of incompetence or error of judgement on your part. I left the most likely reason up to them to discern. I was most pleased to find physical proof that my suspicions about Ward chemically influencing you were correct and by now, with Doctor McCoy's medical acumen, you should no longer be effected as you were. I did point out to the panel that any of your actions, following the arrival of Ward on the Enterprise, were to be investigated as the substances used were likely to have influence on your decision making. The proof will also clear any doubt about the abilities of the others."

There was a long pause and only then, in the momentary silence, did Kirk first think Spock's voice was not only softer but also strained, "I am so tired of it all, of being in what McCoy termed "a constant state of flux" between my two genetic halves, of having to control, if not hide, my emotions and feelings when around both Humans and Vulcans as neither would understand what it is like to live in what McCoy called my "area of most conflict". While I miss and will miss whatever you want to call the relationship you and I shared," as Kirk listened he could hear how talking seemed to tax Spock, "the relationship you said now no longer exists and the relationships I have had with my parents and the senior crew of the ship, I will welcome the end knowing that you, most importantly, and they are safe. Perhaps in the end you were right, as so often you were." Another long pause, one that lasted much longer than the last ones, "On reflection it is possible that growing up without any Human friends I was incapable of knowing how to be a friend or have a friend, that I grew up only knowing associates. If that is correct then I have greatly misunderstood what I felt towards you, what I believed has, had, existed between us." For a moment there was what sounded like a slight laugh, "I find that I believed and illogically still believe, perhaps it is my Human side in the end dominating, that we were friends, we were almost brothers. May you live long and prosper, my Captain, my friend, my t'hyla." There was the sound of strained breathing then a click and silence.

That silence seemed to fill not only the room but also, for a few seconds, his whole being. No, not just the silence but echoes of what he had said to Spock, echoes of those last words to Spock, and remembering that full tirade that Ward had so expertly groomed him for using drugs his systems were now clear of. That tirade that the panel had heard twice when both he and Ward were before them alone and then once at the actual hearing. That tirade so many others had heard but that had clearly hurt Spock more than he could have imagined. Slowly, using the techniques Spock had taught him, Kirk slowly put the talking stone carefully on the table and stood, he needed to hear about the fever and then get to Spock with McCoy.

When he re-entered the room he had left McCoy and Sphin in and McCoy nodded, "We'll go get something to eat while you hear what we were talking about and when we get back you can ask Sphin your questions." There was an odd resignation about how McCoy was acting and after they had left it had been almost two minutes before he pressed the button on the communicator and heard what he had missed.

"While I am not qualified to comment I believe, Doctor McCoy," Sphin was, Kirk realized, about to answer McCoy's question he had heard as he left the room about the cause of the fever he said Spock was suffering, "that with Humans it is would be not unlike the extreme stages of extensive exhaustion and starvation. It was known that for the last thirty-nine days the Ambassador's son neither ate nor slept. It was his stated intention to find something to save Captain Kirk's career at all costs and that we were not to disturb him. When he started to weaken he forbid us to get a healer or to notify either his parents or Captain Kirk of his condition. In a full Vulcan the fever does not appear until the forty-eighth day."

There was a silence and then McCoy's voice, "How long is the recovery stage?"

The silence said more than Sphin's, "Those few who do recover are those who have had family with them and who will watch them for the first twenty-one standard days over which they are tested to discover if there had been any serious mental or physical deterioration. It has been difficult to accept but he was fully aware that what he felt he had to do, excluding all help, would cause the fever and almost certainty his death. Apart from when I took him liquid sustenance, sufficient to maintain his internal organs and not impair his mental state, that he would drink he did not rest nor eat as he felt had to do what he has done."

"You seem mighty sure he at least drank something."

"Having him as a tutor for so many years and having studied him I knew he would drink only if watched so I would wait while he drank."

"Spock a tutor?" surprise was clear in McCoy's voice.

"Yes, he would send regular work for me to do, research, studies, when he would contact his mother and Lady Amanda would give them to me and offer assistance. I was orphaned young and had no blood relatives and all I will say is that Spock saved me and his parents have been most kind to me. He and they ensured I not only had a home but also got well educated. I am a page till I qualify for medical training which I have been told should be in sixty-nine standard weeks largely due to help from Spock."

"He gave you other instructions regarding us, didn't he?"

"You are as he said. You see more in a fellow being than others. He gave me strict instructions as to what I am to do upon my return and as to what I cannot detail here. I am to inform you that he has arranged for a gifted Vulcan healer to be of assistance to Captain Kirk so that all memories of him as anything but his First Officer and Science Officer are removed. I believe he sent you a personal message and in it was more about that assistance"

There had been resignation in McCoy's voice when he said, "Yes, I, I got a message from him. That is what I would have suspected of him."

"He spoke highly of you and said that if I get accepted for medical training he would like to think I could be at least forty percent as caring and masterful a surgeon as you and thirty-three percent as proficient a doctor as you as you are able to leap beyond logic to treat even the most stubborn patient one could ever encounter. From what I have read of your work I can understand his reasoning. I believe he considered you a very close friend. From what he said of four others they were also friends but not as close as you and Captain Kirk. If he should not survive the fever I have written messages for each of the six of you from him as well as one to his father and one to his mother plus one for me."

"I, I," for a moment McCoy could not talk and Kirk knew he would be still processing what Sphin had relayed. "I need, oh, here's Jim."

"he has arranged for a gifted Vulcan healer to be of assistance to Captain Kirk so that all memories of him as anything but his First Officer and Science Officer are removed." For a moment Jim Kirk had just sat where he was, grateful that McCoy was not there as he fought to regain control. Spock had believed him. Even in all that pain Spock had thought of his needs, believing he needed those memories removed, those memories he so treasured. He heard again, in his head, that whole damned tirade that had pushed Spock to this. He saw again the flash of confusion and inner pain in Spock before those blasted Vulcan shields came back up between them. For so long Spock had lived behind them and his actions had sent his friend but to that lonely hell. No, he had sent him further back than that.

"Those few who do recover are those who have had family with them" mocked him. He had let Spock walk away. He had left Spock nothing to hope to ever return to. He had not hesitated in authorizing his transfer to the Computer Center at Command who had welcomed his assignment. He remembered the surprise of Admiral Rhew, the head of the installation, when he advised him that Spock was being transferred from the ship to be stationed there. He had not lied to the man, just had not said that it was his decision and that Spock had no say in the matter. Rhew had even said that should Spock get sick of being off the ship he would transfer him back and been surprised when he had said not to the Enterprise. Rhew's words echoed, "You sure? You two were the durable unbeatable indomitable team, the duet that so often Command relied on so often."

Were. Past tense. Made that way by him. They were a team. As Kirk calmed himself he accepted the truth that together they were a team, a duet in perfect harmony. "all memories of him as anything but his First Officer and Science Officer are removed." Where had those memories been when he had been calling him just another officer, when he had said that Ward was a real friend with genuine feelings which he would never be as he was totally lacking in emotions, that he could never understand what a great friendship like the one he had with Ward was like as that type of friendship was often an illogical relationships, and that friendships were based more on positive emotions and feelings rather than duty, tradition, or rank. He wanted to stop remembering that tirade. Wanted to stop seeing what he had seen but not thought anything about at the time, that slight smile of satisfaction that Ward had, especially when he had said to Spock that he would never risk as much for him as Ward had.

No wonder Spock had shut himself away and wanted no more contact. How could he have compared all that Spock had done for him over the years with Ward just making sure the corridors were clear so he could fix the test? Ward had kept the corridors clear by standing at the entrance to that wing. All those time Spock had risked his life for him, had stood up to Command, had risked his life to save him, and just silently been there when he had vented in anger.

Kirk had stood up and was pacing when McCoy and Sphin returned and McCoy could tell from one look that his friend was going through the hell that he knew he would as soon as he reflected on what he had sone. He also knew there was nothing he could do, especially not with what Sphin had told him. It had been hard enough to listen to the message left to him by Spock without wanting to do something that that Vulcan would say was a direct reflection of his lack of emotional control and a display of his dazzling illogical thought processes. That blasted Vulcan wording had been exact and logical then had totally emotionally shocked him by saying, "You must know, Leonard McCoy, that I have long considered you as one of my closest friends. When the present situation is over Sphin has been instructed to present you with an aged bottle of Tennessee whiskey that I was assured was made in the traditional manner as I recalled it was your favorite aid to relaxation. I have seen a lot of you in Sphin over the last few days as he would make a fine physician which is what he desires but has no physician to speak for him. I did greatly enjoy our verbal sparring and trust you know how much I appreciated your friendship. You may have thought yourself as just an old country doctor but, McCoy, know that you are far, far more than that is so many ways. May you live long and prosper, Leonard." As he looked at how Kirk was he realized that "when the present situation" was over he would possibly drink the bottle alone in one session.

"Bones, how could I have," Kirk paused for a moment to look at him and McCoy saw the plea he could not help with, saw his friend's inner turmoil that he knew Kirk had to deal with alone. "My gods, Bones, what I did to him. After all we've shared, gone through, all he means to me."

"That was strong stuff Ward had used verbal, herbal, and chemical means on you, at the start, Jim. For those first four days there was no way, with him always there and talking with you, reminding you of your times together, excluding others from your conversations, that you could not have been influenced. After Spock and the others left he slightly lowered the dosages so that he still could easily persuade you to more or less do as he said. After the attack on the freighter you were on your own as he had done what he wanted to do to you, he had what he wanted."

"You, you knew?"

"None of the rest of us were fully aware of what was going on but Spock did. He even tried to warn you," McCoy stopped as Kirk clearly remembered when Spock had approached him that second day and asked to see him alone and Ward had told him to remember his place and never disturb those of higher rank having a private conversation, especially when those two captains have a real friendship that spanned many years.

"Damn him! That was when he really started it. Before that he had only talked to me about what he called our friendship. After that he used the word friend as a weapon and I used it as a weapon on Spock. Damn him!"

"I think all that evidence that the panel saw and heard made sure he is damned, Jim. Seems you're not the first of many he held grudges against from the Academy days who he thinks have had positions he should have had. Luckily you did not have an accident or commit suicide as four of those have nor end up so mentally unstable they are either monitored or in full time care as three others have. It was not until Spock sent them all that information they that they had proof of Thomas Wade's involvement as each time his methods have varied depending on what he felt should have been his and how he felt he had been wronged. Damn!" McCoy turned away for a moment then all but glared at Kirk, "We both should have listened to him that second day."

"He go to you after,"

"Hell no, Jim, you know he would go off and analyze to death any confrontation he had with any of us. I was on the bridge and saw and heard that first outburst and how you did not defend him. As he started past me on the way off the bridge I gripped his arm and said he had to know you did not agree with what Ward said and he had looked at me and said, "Doctor, I am aware that Jim may not agree with what he said but he uncharacteristically neither corrected him nor verbally agreed with him which necessitates further investigation."

For a moment there was silence and then Sphin said, "Forgive me if I speak out of turn but when asked why he would not rest or eat those were words he would say."

Kirk looked at the youth who was, as Kirk seemed to suddenly remember, awaiting permission to return. "What would he say?"

"He would thank me for asking but said, "James Kirk's actions and statements were not those of the person I knew which necessitates further investigation to find out the cause which is then to be presented to the officials and others as proof and evidence of some outside influencing factors he is unaware of."

"Knew." Kirk closed his eyes and tried to steady himself. Past tense. Yet more proof as to how deeply he had hurt his friend. Proof that to Spock whatever they shared was over.

"I will take my leave of you now, Doctor McCoy and Captain Kirk, as I must return and be with him at this stage. I had been aware of the length of time he is usually in the deep sleep akin to coma and if I hurry back he should not be aware of my being gone this long. After all he and his family have done for me I do not wish for him to be alone at this time. Be assured, Doctor McCoy, that I will read him your message during one of his few lucid moments. Since he found what he sought and informed others he rests more as though no longer fighting the fever. I will inform you of any major changes."

"We thank you, Sphin, for being there with him and I will go now and make that recommendation you require and contact Doctor M'Benga who I am sure would be willing to attest to your abilities. I must apologize but I never mastered my fingers enough,"McCoy attempted to raise his hand with his fingers in the correct positions, "but may you live long and prosper, Sphin."

Surprise. Gratitude. Pleasure. Kirk could not tell what had flashed across Sphin's face when McCoy finished but he was glad that the young Vulcan felt comfortable enough around them to show that usually hidden side of the Vulcan psyche. Deep inside himself he wondered if the young Vulcan being around Spock so much over time might have helped him not be afraid or ashamed to show even that glimpse of what is behind that Vulcan wall.

There was just a nod in acknowledgment before Sphin turned and walked away. For a moment there was quietness, stillness in the room and then Kirk got up and started for the door. McCoy saw the look on his friend's face and knew it was one of a decision having been made and not much thought to outcomes given so rushed to stand in front of him, "Get out of my way, Bones. You heard him. I have to get to Spock."

"I heard him, Jim, but you clearly did not. Spock told him we were not to know. Sphin said that Spock was in a serious fever that many did not survive. Now I know you want to go there, you want to go there and make him understand, and I know that this time you can't, Jim. This time we have to wait."

"Bones, you don't understand."

McCoy gripped his shoulders even tighter and looked into the hazel eyes of his friend and tried to see behind the present anger and into that part of his friend he knew he had to reach, "Then tell me what I don't understand, Jim. Are you telling me you mean you did not mean it when you told him he could go back into the safe security of being a Vulcan with no concept whatsoever of friendship and the joys and pains involved with it? You did not mean it when you cut him off when he tried to calm you down and said you were tired of trying to understand anything Vulcan and that included him? You did not mean it when he turned to go you said that he could go and get lost forever in all the fact and figures that mattered more to him than any real friendship obviously ever had or could?"

As he felt Kirk stop struggling and really look back at him as he clearly remembered parts of his tirade he had forgotten but that all of them had heard. "Now I might not understand a lot, Jim, but I know and understood the looks that that so-called unfeeling Vulcan gave you, I know and understand why he did not want his parents or you to know about what he was doing, and I accept that it is his decision, and his alone, as to yield to the release of the fever or fight to come back to that hell he was in when he left the ship."

"That's why I have to go to him, Bones. He has to know, he has to,"

"Did you not hear what Sphin said, Jim? He is beyond that stage now. From what I have read and heard about such fevers in others with such a different biological makeup it is a war within them between living and dying and even those who were in full care can and do die. You know how private a person that blasted Vulcan is?" McCoy released him and paced for a moment then turned and glared at him, "You think I don't want to go there and do everything that I can to make him stay with us? A part of me is dying, Jim, because of him but I will respect his Vulcan wishes and ways and wait. I will rely on his Human side to help decide."

"You, you sent him a letter?"

"Just a very hurried few words he may or may not react to. There is every possibility he may not even hear Sphin read them to him. I will accept his decision even if it means that I will have to forgive you over time. I think you will have an even bigger fight to get Uhura, Suu, and Chekov to understand."

Only then did Kirk think of the others of his bridge crew who had seen and heard that tirade. Those same people he had seen before the panel. He closed his eyes and shook his head, how could they trust him not to turn on them? Could he get them to understand what had happened?

"May we come in, Captain?" Uhura's voice had a slight quiver to it and yet that usual confidence.

"Yes, yes. Please come in." Kirk noticed as they walked in how both Sulu and Chekov had a hand lightly holding onto Uhura's arms as though reassuring her.

"We,the three of us, had a message from Mister Spock we had to listen to together. He, he asked us to support you and to keep believing in you as your actions were not all your own. He let us know he would not be returning to the ship. He did not sound like himself. He sounded like he needed to sleep, like breathing was difficult."

Uhura kept looking at him and Kirk saw she knew the truth. "We were told by the young Vulcan that we would be informed as to the outcome as we could not go to see him or be with him. It is bad, isn't it, Captain?"


A/N Yet another cold and WET weekend but at least we only have two more months of winter - as long as the weather gods know that. Am finding out true that saying is about a person who reads should never be left to sort through a books before the book sale. . . . Thanks for reading. Take care and HAVE FUN.